Compelled to Contact Him

[Zemmma]

Well, you all have said, don't contact him, write us.

So here it is. Holiday weekend passed-  holidays suck!

This time when he broke up with me it was very abrupt and unkind. He actually didn't say the words. He eluded to the breakup but didn't do it because that "would make it his fault." Then later confirmed by text when I asked him outright, "Of course, we are broken up." Passive language. Not "yes I am breaking up with you." He couldn't take ownership of the breakup. Because he promised me he wouldn't do this again. We are in double digits- this might be the 16th breakup (some big, some smaller, but !).

I was so angry with him for breaking up like this that I did not respond at all. Who ends a nine year friendship/ six year, intense romantic relationship by yelling in someone's face and then disappearing?

I am still angry.

After the breakup he did contact me a couple of times about minor things and I was either silent or answered in a very minimal way. He is probably highly ashamed and thinks at this point he should just leave me alone.

And what am I seeking? What I think I am seeking is a kind word or goodbye. Would I feel better if I got this? I don't know.

Is that what I am really after? Or am I just dying for my fix of contact? Do I just want validation? To know he cares? Do I want him to acknowledge what a complete #%#T%Ywad he has been to me? Tell me how wonderful I was?

I just want him to take this excruciating pain away.

At times like this I feel like no contact is a weird game. I am thinking of him anyway. Why not be REAL and tell him how I feel?

And then I think, "What if he is with someone else?" "How will I feel if I contact and he doesn't reply?" "What reply would actually do any good or make this any less painful?"

Remind me why I have been silent for over two months and should continue to be so.

And just so you know, I have been in breakup mode with him on other occasions for up to a year. It never gets any easier, so telling me it will ease with time won't work.

I think the only thing that would really work is finding another intense love relationship, but my fear is that I will never feel that way again. I'm out there, I have tried and never feel anything for anyone else.

[Zemmma]

No one has had a chance to respond and I think I should answer my own question.

His behaviour is the most INSULTING treatment of me imaginable.

I should not be looking to him for anything.

He is actually a pretty horrible and selfish person. Yes I loved him. But he is not a good person- at least not to me.

I need to fight these urges with everything in me. I should run like hell and never look back.

[juju2]

So sorry you are going thru this.  This is a caring community, i found help and still find help here.
Could you share a little bit more, if you are up to it, was he diagnosed BPD, what triggered him, if you know, and how you were able to cope.
Also what helps me is to take good care of myself.
I forgot how to do that in my relationship.

With hope, help and healing, j

[Zemmma]

No diagnosis. Just all of the traits. I am in the mental health field- I am not diagnosing, but his traits are BPD-like or CPTSD-like. All labels anyways... I know I am in the right place because I am dealing with the same behaviours and responses (from him and me) as everyone here.

As far as triggers, they were numerous, but I would characterize his breakups as part of a larger on-going cycle of attach and then detach. He is never truly happy for long. He is a deeply troubled person who thinks life is basically a dark and painful hell that can only be tolerated through alcohol, sex, music and drugs. He WANTS to be happy. He WANTS to find love. But he trusts nobody (for good reason- his mother betrayed him the most terrible way). He is paranoid and jealous. He is jealous of me. My house, my money, my vacations, my kids, my friends, my mom, my gay male friends... of anyone who has the things he wants but doesn't have. He is a high achiever in one specialized area, but really hasn't mastered the big picture. He is at mid-life and owns nothing. He is broke and living in a basement apartment (which he hates). He has a failed marriage with one child. He can't seem to dig himself out of this hole, and he is not content with how things are. He has trouble coping and is emotionally dysregulated. Most of his relationships have lasted 1.5 years. Then there was his wife of 10 years, and me- after that... off and on for 6 years but only because I fought for it with everything in me, took him back unconditionally, and tolerated endless abandonments and the rollercoaster of his emotions and criticism, accusations, mood swings (emotional abuse).

I don't know how I have coped. Have I? I am still alive, but it hurts! Suffered through my husband of 23 years leaving me suddenly as I clung to this new affectionate, attentive person. Just trying to hang on to something. Loved the passion and sex and emotional connection, and the essence of this beautiful man when he was not treating me like garbage. The pain comes from how absolutely PERFECT he was for me when he wasn't engaging in all of this other crap. It would be easy if he was JUST a big jerk. Unfortunately he is the BEST and the WORST. Makes it so #$%'ing hard.

[Cromwell]

Is it accurate to say that he is the best and the worst, see that as polarised behaviour, or could it be that the "worst" behaviour is always there, it is just at certain times, stress, alcohol/drug use that it becomes disinhibited?

im not saying that you are gullible not to realise, or there isnt phases where he might have been happy with you, but the reason I looked back and felt the same was because those punctuated "happy/best" times were so memorable, they stood out and became longed for to return. Generally she hid an ongoing depressive-jealous state much like you describe, and when alcohol/drugs or just a very-bad day came, they lash out on the ones who are closest, we get the combined negative energy from a lifetime of gripes that are entrenched in their past and have had nothing to do with us, it just gets portrayed as if we are enemy number 1, because the real problems or persons arent available to deal with.

[Zemmma]

Well ya, Cromwell. That stuff was always under the surface for him.

He had to fight it continuously. All of it. He thought our relationship was "___ed up." He had to fight that. He didn't "believe in us," and didn't "trust me." And when I was happy he said it was because he was being docile and agreeable and just doing everything I wanted- and not being himself. He basically said that he was faking it. Trying to fake being happy, or fake being okay. He said he ended up feeling like he was just a shell of himself when he was around me.

Funny thing is, it seems a lot of this disturbance was in retrospect. For example, he really, genuinely appeared to be having a great time when out with me and his friends. We would laugh and joke and share music, and talk... and he was relaxed and happy (always drinking excessively though)... and we might part ways with hugs and a smile. Then it would be later, when he would be drunk and alone in the wee hours that he would imagine we had such a horrible time, that he wasn't being authentic, that I had either been flirting with his friends or criticizing him in some way (even though I had not) or he had been holding back. It was as though his endless rumination changed the events of the previous night. All of our happy memories painted black.

In the last year we were together he seemed to be able to control things better and we had so many good and fun times. But there was often conflict especially when we were apart... especially on text. It was really a case of emotional dysregulation for him. Things hurt him so deeply... strange things... things hardly on the radar... He could never forgive, never forget, always pulling up examples from the past of things he perceived as offences that I had committed, even if he had been shown clear proof to the contrary. He was also a huge hypocrite and a lot of his accusations felt like classic projection. I think there is some trauma in his past that I don't know about. What I know about is enough, but it could be even more sinister.

I guess what I should read from everything I have said here, is it really doesn't matter what I said or did. There was no happy ending possible with him. Not with me, and maybe not with anyone.

I know that I can be in a stable relationship and be truly happy. I guess I should just let this go, and look forward to something that will allow me a chance at that. So hard when he holds my heart. Maybe a year wasn't enough to heal. Maybe I should try for 2 years this time, see if things get easier. I'm really not getting any younger over here. I want to start living the happy life I want and deserve ASAP!

[Cromwell]

I guess what I should read from everything I have said here, is it really doesn't matter what I said or did. There was no happy ending possible with him. Not with me, and maybe not with anyone.

I know that I can be in a stable relationship and be truly happy. I guess I should just let this go, and look forward to something that will allow me a chance at that. So hard when he holds my heart. Maybe a year wasn't enough to heal. Maybe I should try for 2 years this time, see if things get easier. I'm really not getting any younger over here. I want to start living the happy life I want and deserve ASAP!

Your last sentence stuck out as being powerful and about your own needs. Yes we can sympathise with the issues that those we have felt love for, even pity, but you tried, the likelihood of some magical change in him might never happen, or at least dont expect it to happen overnight. All the whilst you are getting older and whilst there are feelings to look at, on your side too, I would encourage you to refocus on your needs and centre them more. I spent 3 years gradual shift of all my needs pushed to the periphery, my ex ended up being centre stage. Still it took me a long time after leaving her to actually remember who I was, that i am also deserving of happiness and if I couldnt find what I wanted I have a duty to my self to change it. Not easy when there is emotional guilt in the mix and heavy enmeshment.

I had the same experience, it felt genuine happiness, until it became time for us to momentarily part, or when she would be alone for extended periods of time she would ruminate and then send nasty messages. Ive read into the theory behind it all, but the main thing is not trying to find explanations, I want to start dating again and find someone who is more mentally stable that I dont have to pander to their needs excessively like I have done. I tried, it didnt work out, disappointing, but to grieve or pine for it is pointless - its in the past. I hope the last sentence of your post propels you forward as much as it has helped reinforce my thoughts on where i am now. thank you

[Zemmma]

Absolutely! I am waiting for something amazing to happen. Ready for it when it comes and in many ways not waiting at all. I am pursuing my dreams, getting stuff done, making plans and taking time for enjoyment where I can. I am meeting people, going out with friends and even dating a little. I am also allowing myself to rest and forgiving myself when I am not so productive because this grief weighs me down. I just really want the hope of a loving, affectionate, sexual relationship again at this stage in my life (I think it was because my marriage before the BPDx was lacking in these areas, that I treasured it so much). A big problem with my relationship with the BPDx was my magnificent optimism. I continually overlooked the negative, even if he shouted it at me. He'd say, "Why can't you hear me?" I mean, I tried to hear him, but the broken record of his doubt and dissatisfaction became white noise and I would just forgive and forget, and then love whenever I was given a chance, over and over. If I somehow saw diamonds where there was dirt, so be it. I love this anonymous quote: "Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else." Let me use my imagination and create another ridiculous fantasy, this time with someone who won't abuse it. I am a hopeless romantic, loyal to a fault. I have no problem attracting men- I am only worried that I will always be measuring them up to this "great love." My biggest worry is that I won't fall so passionately in love again.

[Cromwell]

Hi Zemma

The only thing I discovered that would make me feel I couldnt fall for someone like that is two fold. One is on the rational, life experience call it maturing level. Ive learned a lot about healthy boundaries and at the same time have learned that I got swept away in the love bombing, many people who hold healthy boundaries would never have allowed that to happen, yet I did, I was open to it, receptive, enjoyed it even. On an emotional level, I could feel that way again with the right person, and have done prior to my ex and there was none of the negative aspects, so of course can do it again, its a big world out there and whilst it can be made to feel that we put our partners into a category of them being irreplaceable, of course this isnt true, far from it.

Realy pleased to see your heading in a good direction also much of what you say im starting to realise now myself, a lot of it was for me more falling in love with the 'idea of falling in love' than with her. It was a time I was emotionally vulnerable and I took that comfort for what it was. I see it now that maybe thats not a bad thing, just a phase I needed to go through that will help for the future. Life is getting a lot better since the post-mortem of the failed relationship is over, there is a great article on boundaries on this site if you are interested Zemma, dont worry you wont have lost your passion, I think the biggest thing lost is "trust" and it just needs a way to become open again and not guarded, because there are people out there who would have loved and appreciate the things you did for him that you could have done for them instead.