What Is Closure?

[Insom]

The word closure interests me because it seems changeable.  What even is it?  If I were to take a stab at defining it, I'd say closure is a life transition that feels complete because it includes an element of emotional satisfaction.

I experienced a few different levels of closure with my ex when we were breaking up (from recognizing the falseness in the relationship, to saying goodbye and refusing further contact).  Today I feel like I'm seeking yet another level of closure that has to do with acknowledging that abuse happened while integrating the bad and good aspects of the relationship into a whole-feeling memory.  I don't know if this new level of closure is something i can produce on my own, or if I need to have a conversation with ex to achieve, but I am working through the possibilities with a T.

How about you?  Have you experienced closure with your ex partner with BPD?  What did the closure feel like?  Was it a single event or an ongoing process in your life?

[Cromwell]

Interesting topic Insom

Id say for me, closure is a feeling of where im not troubled anymore by recurring thoughts.

I feel my own personal barrier towards emotional closure was that I never allowed myself to experience negative emotions im now at the stage on this board (which has been amazingly helpful) of talking of what ive experienced and then sometimes having to unravel "feelings" about "feelings".

its relatively new experience for me, ive been able to find my own concept of closure based on moving on in the past, but due to the nature of this r/s, the emotional intensity, and ill borrow from you the word 'abuse', there was far more going on and i think closure for me is trying to make sense of it all and lay those repressed emotions to rest.

i really liked your description of merging the good in with the bad, id say im at this stage, albeit im able to be more open at confronting feelings rather than rationalising what ive been through. I guess in practical terms, the single event was going NC, that wasnt easy, but it was in the big picture easier. The route/goal towards closure is an ongoing process, I just hope I reach it soon, it has taken far longer than I would have liked - but its brought with it some interesting insights a long the way.

[araneina]

For me it was about 8 months after the relationship ended.  My ex had left me for another girl while claiming the reason he was breaking up with me was so he could "Work on himself."  Finding out he jumped into a new relationship almost immediately really hurt.  He blamed me for most of the failure of our relationship and made me feel pretty darn stupid.  Plus I was left with this worry that I was the dramatic, emotionally unstable person in the relationship, not him.

As I said in my most recent post my ex recently managed to contact me.  In his messages to me he acted like nothing serious had ever transpired between us.  He referred to us as "friends with benefits" and asked if we could get dinner together when he passed through my city.  He claimed he was single, but a quick FB check implies he is most certainly not.  He admitted his life has been pretty chaotic recently and he still wasn't sure what he was doing with his life.

I had been struggling with some lingering feelings for him lately, but quite honestly, those feelings have vanished.  His messages to me reinforced my idea that this man is oblivious to his mistakes, has no ability to take responsibility for his actions, and that he will keep repeating this behavior over and over and over again.  For the first time since we broke up I was genuinely happy to NOT be a part of his life.

That was closure for me.  I do admit, I think if he hadn't contacted me this way I might never have been able to feel completely "over" him, but because he did... .I do!

[Shawnlam]

To me closure means you accept where you stand with yourself in the present experience good or bad and accept the circumstances as they are in your control or out of control.

[MeandThee29]

To me closure means you accept where you stand with yourself in the present experience good or bad and accept the circumstances as they are in your control or out of control.

Yes, this. I'm 100% in charge of my responses. It make take a little while to work through things, but I handle them. It's OK to feel some outrage here-and-there, but it doesn't drive me.

[Sirnut]

When we were first breaking up the closure I wanted was to have a respectful conversation - to say goodbye and exchange some words of grace and forgiveness. I think that sort of conversation would have helped us both, but sadly it wasn’t possible and the time for it seems to have passed.

I’ve had to learn to make do without that, and now closure means something different. It means developing a stable understanding of what happened, how it fits into my life story, and how God is using it to make me into the person he wants me to be. In that sense it’s more of an ongoing process than a single event.

[Insom]

Thanks for the great feedback, everyone.  This all feels super-helpful as I work to sort this stuff out.

Sirnut:

I wanted was to have a respectful conversation - to say goodbye and exchange some words of grace and forgiveness. I think that sort of conversation would have helped us both, but sadly it wasn’t possible and the time for it seems to have passed.

Many here will relate with this. FWIW, when I left my ex I didn't even consider respectful conversation as a possibility because that would have been completely out of character with how we were with each other.  As time has gone on I've wondered if it could happen now.  (I'm here to process a relationship I had when I was a teen many years ago.)

It means developing a stable understanding of what happened, how it fits into my life story, and how God is using it to make me into the person he wants me to be.

I ADORE that you used the word story here and think you're onto something.  Would you like to say more?  I understand story as a human way of understanding the world and our place in it. 

MeandThee29 and Shawnlam:

To me closure means you accept where you stand with yourself in the present experience good or bad and accept the circumstances as they are in your control or out of control.

I hear you.  Alas, I struggle with acceptance because from an emotional point of view it feels like resignation to me.  I get that you're talking about reality, what is real and within our control, and I like that.  And I also feel like I'm seeking an emotional experience that is closer to gratitude or transcendence.  Maybe that's not possible.  Still exploring.

I'm 100% in charge of my responses. It make take a little while to work through things, but I handle them.

It sounds like you're talking about autonomy?


araneina:

In his messages to me he acted like nothing serious had ever transpired between us.  He referred to us as "friends with benefits" and asked if we could get dinner together when he passed through my city . . . That was closure for me.  I do admit, I think if he hadn't contacted me this way I might never have been able to feel completely "over" him, but because he did... .I do!

Wow, too sadly I can relate with this.  I know I have a Dream Closure scenario in my head -  kind of like what Sirnut suggested - but in reality I bet the conversation would likely sound a lot like what you wrote here.    

I had been struggling witI some lingering feelings for him lately, but quite honestly, those feelings have vanished.

And they may come up again.  If and when they do, do you have someone you can talk with about them?  (Still working with your T?)

Cromwell:

Id say for me, closure is a feeling of where im not troubled anymore by recurring thoughts.

Short and sweet.  This works for me. 

ive been able to find my own concept of closure based on moving on in the past, but due to the nature of this r/s, the emotional intensity, and ill borrow from you the word 'abuse', there was far more going on and i think closure for me is trying to make sense of it all and lay those repressed emotions to rest.

Same here.  I am also working on making sense of and integrating repressed feelings.  I see you've been grappling with the word abuse here this week.  Is it a word you're ready to claim?





 

[MeandThee29]

MeandThee29 and Shawnlam:

I hear you.  Alas, I struggle with acceptance because from an emotional point of view it feels like resignation to me.  I get that you're talking about reality, what is real and within our control, and I like that.  And I also feel like I'm seeking an emotional experience that is closer to gratitude or transcendence.  Maybe that's not possible.  Still exploring.

It sounds like you're talking about autonomy?

Confidence as well. I can handle what comes. There is nothing that could be said now that I couldn't get through. He's analyzed our who relationship and found it very much wanting, so I don't know what other emotional blow could come along. Even if he found someone new, it wouldn't be unexpected. He's hinted at that for years.

Early in separation, I was more optimistic despite a lot of discard, so it affected me deeply. Now it hurts, but I shake it off. That's a measure of closure too, IMHO.

[araneina]

And they may come up again.  If and when they do, do you have someone you can talk with about them?  (Still working with your T?)

I genuinely don't think feelings for my ex will ever return.  The more I think about his most recent messages to me the more I realize how completely lacking in self awareness he is, and how I was in love with someone who didn't really exist.  That combined with the fact that he lied to me about his singleness... .nah.  I used to look at pictures of him on facebook and feel this pang of sadness and hurt.  I spent a little time last night looking at pictures of him again and felt... .nothing.  I didn't even find him attractive anymore.  However if feelings did return, I have a friend who knows every detail of that relationship and she'd be there to say "No!  He was toxic!  Stop thinking about him!"  She didn't much care for my ex... .and rightly so.

I have a new boyfriend who's definitely played a huge role in my recovery.  He knows my history with my ex and is very patient with me.  

[EdR]

When we were first breaking up the closure I wanted was to have a respectful conversation - to say goodbye and exchange some words of grace and forgiveness. I think that sort of conversation would have helped us both, but sadly it wasn’t possible and the time for it seems to have passed.

I’ve had to learn to make do without that, and now closure means something different. It means developing a stable understanding of what happened, how it fits into my life story, and how God is using it to make me into the person he wants me to be. In that sense it’s more of an ongoing process than a single event.

I think most of us wanted or still want closure. And closure is indeed something like the bold part in the above quote.
Although I understand people are trying to define closure in a different way on these boards, I also feel that is a little sad. We are mostly talking about acceptance in such cases and not closure.

Like you indicated in the rest of the quote 'it would have helped us both'. Without true closure chances are people just almost die of a heart attack when their pwBPD contacts them again or when they suddenly see their pwBPD. People are moving, changing jobs, doing all kinds of things just to forget about their pwBPD.

Of course that's understandable and sometimes even necessary. But it actually is really sad. That's NOT closure. Closure would mean all those things wouldn't be necessary anymore.

Again, it is just sad that most of our ex-partners/friends deny us closure. And instead of accepting that, we are trying to twist the meaning of the word 'closure' itself... .

[Insom]

EdR:

I hear that you think this is sad.  But what if closure is just a feeling and not a condition granted by another person?  Is it possible to change how you feel?  If so how?  I'm not talking about using self-help techniques to deny what you feel, or will yourself to feel differently.  But genuine change. 

I'm working with a therapist who's shared with me that she's helped people find closure in relationships where the relationship partner, friend, lover or family member has died.  I love that she believes this is possible.

[spacecadet]

This is a neat topic. Closure is a tricky word because it implies a finality. Similar to forgiveness, which might have "aha" moments where we can think we have closure, or have forgiven, until we stumble or have a dream or waking flashback.

There's a word that was used in counseling that I've appropriated, metabolise. We metabolise food and draw in the nutrients that turn into energy, hormones (emotions) and even new cells that live in us. To me it seems like experiences good and bad also wash through us, part of the effect is short-lived e.g. feelings which are fleeting. They also stay with us a longer time and morph into perspective, deepen traits like joy or wariness. I've metabolised a lot of experiences that are at rest for years, then they come to mind and it's clear there's another layer of processing to be done.

[Forearmed]

I think closure for many is just another word for needing final validation. i.e. IF you accept why this relationship was never going to work you still want the sense that you were loved, appreciated and can now part on good terms. Well, that isn't part of the typical BPD toolbox. Once you are discarded they generally either really dislike you (in that monent / period) or no longer want to deal with anything they can't control / that risks uncomfortable feelings for them.

It was always all about them anyway and they've moved on (esp. if someone else is now in position for them) then so should you... .makes sense to them.

In essence, I say your closure will be down to YOUR ability to process the reality of what you went through (as opposed to ruminating / obsessing on the way they were able to make you feel as you started to fall in love).

[Insom]

Thanks for metabolize, spacecadet.  I've been using integrate because I'm seeking wholeness.  I want to integrate the parts of my past I've denied or ignored into a whole-feeling present self.  I love metabolize because it goes one more.  Integration plus energy.  And I agree, the finality closure implies is tricky.  When does it end?

Forearmed:

I think closure for many is just another word for needing final validation. 

I think this is a fair point, Forearmed.  The validation I got from my ex felt powerful even though the relationship overall was problematic. 

How do you self-validate?  How does one get to do that?
 



 

[Zen606]

Hi -
Closure can be different things to different people. Saying a formal goodbye can be one way, discussing what happened can be another way. Whichever form it takes the end of a relationship is a difficult thing to get through if there was an attachment as there usually is.

From my experience, the best closure I had was with my non BPD ex and late husband of 17 years. The separation and divorce was painful but because of the bond we had and the desire for contact we both after the divorce we re-connected, became friends, and met for dinner when i was in AZ, talked on the phone and wrote letters to each other. No sex, no coming back together as a couple, just a genuine love for each other. He died a year after we reconnected. I know we had closure not only because of what I just described but because I feel very much at peace about he and I. I miss him very much and will always love him but there is a clarity that I achieved with him that I have not with any other significant relationship in my life.
Zen606

[Insom]

Beautiful story, Zen606.  Very moving.  Thanks so much for sharing.

(Wondering if this level of closure would be available to someone with BPD.)

Also, I love the idea of simply discussing what happened.  So simple but so satisfying if it is allowed to go well. 

[Zen606]

Hi Insom,
That is a good question, can BPD individuals experience this? To me from my experience with a bptrait ex, it would seem that this would be difficult because their emotions fluctuate so much over time. My non BPD late husband and I achieved the closure over some time and we did not change our views about discussing the past and coming to an understanding.
Zen606