Tearing our family apart, don't know where to turn next

[momma4]

We have been struggling with one of our four children that has BPD.  It feels like the same scenario repeating for the past 6 years sometimes worse sometimes better but in the past 6 years we have not gone more than 14 days without an incedent.  I feel horrible and feel horrible for his siblings.  It almost tore our marriage apart.  Now we are just tired and worn out.  :)on't know where to turn next.  Have spent our entire savings on programs, etc.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello momma4

 

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with one of your four children who has BPD. Six years is a long time to have been going through this, no wonder you are feeling tired and worn out.

May I ask you, how old is your son, and how old are his siblings? Is your son currently receiving any kind of therapy?

You will find lots of helpful information on this site, just look to the right 

Please take a look around the site and also read members posts, you will quickly realise that you are not alone and we are all here to help and support you x 

[DoneMom]

Hi momm4,

I’m new here too and am glad you found this place!  I have a daughter who has BPD and can relate to your frustration and weariness with the cycle of bad behavior and/or abuse and then the calm periods in between where there’s hope! It’s a definite roller coaster and it can wear you down.

Stick around and share your story here, it’s been helpful for me and I know you will find some much needed support.

Wishing you the best,

DMom

[Overwhelmedabit]

So sorry for your pain and prayers that things will get better for you. It’s like some sort of horrible marathon of chaos. I swear my daughter has been like this her whole life and she’s 26 now. My heart goes out to you. It is a horrific illness.

[Huat]

Hi there Momm4.  I join the others above in welcoming you.

I'm pretty sure all of us who read your post relate to what you have wrote... ."struggling"... ."sometimes worse, sometimes better"... ."it almost tore our marriage apart"... ."we are just tired and worn out."    Yep, that is what happens!

May I ask... .how old is your son?  What kind of programs has he been in?  Has the rest of the family (you and your husband) ever been in counselling on how to deal with your son's behaviours?

It took my husband and I a long, long time to realize that any change had to come from us.  We were on a treadmill and had given control to our daughter.  There was no reason for her to want to make changes.

I sincerely hope you take advantage of all that is offered on this website.  There is lots of information to the right   to get you started on making changes and links to more.  On top of that there is much-needed support from the others here as you move forward... .a great sounding board. 

In reality, there are no quick fixes to our situations, nor is there a guarantee that all will turn out the way we would want.  With that said, it is so, SO important to look after ourselves and the other relationships we share in our families.

Hope to hear more from you, Momma4.

Here is a ((HUG) from one Mom to another.  Your tomorrows can be better.

Huat

[beady]

I hear ya. It's like Groundhog Day. I have no advice for you other than to say that it is a 'whole life' thing for us too. I've not seen or heard from my uBPD daughter of 35 year age for over 2 years. And as much as it saddens me when I think about it, I do have to admit it's been the most calm we've had here in our family for a very long time. You have to learn to find a calm place in your life. You can't fix it, as much as you'd like to. I've learned that acceptance of her choices, however much I may disagree with them, are hers to own. 

[Huat]

Your post resonates with me, Beady!

For a long, long time we, too, have had no contact with our daughter and I echo your comments... ."as much as it saddens me when I think about it, I do have to admit it has been the most calm we've had here in our family for a very long time."

Each and every time (and there have been lots of times!) we have been cut out of our daughter's life and the lives of our grandchildren, it was her decision to do so... .our "punishment" for one thing or another she felt we had done to her.  This time... .it was us who said no more... .until she agrees to go to counselling with us.  She is adamant that will never happen.  So-be-it!

We have been trudging down this road with her for 40 years.   Her verbal abuse was escalating and the red flag was up.  Could verbal abuse turn to physical abuse?   We are in our mid/late 70's... .will be less and less able to defend ourselves if the unthinkable would happen.

It was indeed difficult to take off the rose-coloured glasses.  It was difficult to draw that line in the sand... .but... .we have found that calm place in our life, too.  (Well... .a work-in-progress but to be expected because she is our child and there is a hole in our hearts.)

Life goes on, doesn't it Beady?  Not always the way we want it to but so much easier if we are resilient.

Huat   ; )

[beady]

Yes, Huat, it's tough to make that decision that life will go on, with or without our children. I still mourn what we've both lost and wait for the phone call or E-mail that never arrives. But, when that reconnecting never happens, I do put one foot in front of the other and move on. I am in my early 60's. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it gets closer every day. I have to embrace the peace I have at this moment. Who knows how long it will last; and under what terms.