So hard not to respond unproductively

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, a couple of weeks ago, she makes a post to her Pinterest account and I realize I hadn’t “unfollowed” her yet, so I did. A few minutes later she texts, “Hey, how’s it going?”, to which I do not respond.

This morning, I open my email to find a Pinterest notification that she posted something. Didn’t I unfollow her? Oh, yeah, turns out I did: she pinned it directly to one of my boards. I deactivated Pinterest.

40 minutes ago, she texts, “Just want to say hi, thinking of you,” and 20 minutes ago “Do you think we could talk sometime?”

I am trying not to be angry at her, to get over it, but to be honest I’m still feeling pretty angry. I’ve been planning a “high-road” type talk for when I have to see her in October for our continuing court drama (though hopefully that will be the last episode of that for me), but right now I’m not there yet. I’m still pretty raw and resentful.

My first impulse is to say something hurtful and demeaning at worst, at least triggering at best.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is really nothing to be gained for me from talking to her -her words don’t mean anything. She talks a great game, but everything is built on a foundation of lying and denying. I want to confront her about all the lying I’ve discovered since our last conversation, but I don’t see any actual good coming out of that.

Do I say, “I really don’t see the point?” “I don’t think I’m ready to talk to you yet?” Do I ask her what she wants to talk about? Do I say nothing at all?

I cannot maintain any kind of relationship with her as long as she denies her BPD. There really isn’t any point. Do I tell her that?

I’ve frequently been told I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Apparently, that’s true.

[DogMan75]

So, a couple of weeks ago, she makes a post to her Pinterest account and I realize I hadn’t “unfollowed” her yet, so I did. A few minutes later she texts, “Hey, how’s it going?”, to which I do not respond.

This morning, I open my email to find a Pinterest notification that she posted something. Didn’t I unfollow her? Oh, yeah, turns out I did: she pinned it directly to one of my boards. I deactivated Pinterest.

40 minutes ago, she texts, “Just want to say hi, thinking of you,” and 20 minutes ago “Do you think we could talk sometime?”

I am trying not to be angry at her, to get over it, but to be honest I’m still feeling pretty angry. I’ve been planning a “high-road” type talk for when I have to see her in October for our continuing court drama (though hopefully that will be the last episode of that for me), but right now I’m not there yet. I’m still pretty raw and resentful.

My first impulse is to say something hurtful and demeaning at worst, at least triggering at best.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is really nothing to be gained for me from talking to her -her words don’t mean anything. She talks a great game, but everything is built on a foundation of lying and denying. I want to confront her about all the lying I’ve discovered since our last conversation, but I don’t see any actual good coming out of that.

Do I say, “I really don’t see the point?” “I don’t think I’m ready to talk to you yet?” Do I ask her what she wants to talk about? Do I say nothing at all?

I cannot maintain any kind of relationship with her as long as she denies her BPD. There really isn’t any point. Do I tell her that?

I’ve frequently been told I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Apparently, that’s true.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi DogMan75,

Ugh... .not a good feeling to be contacted out of the blue.

Good that you are working through the angry feelings.  In the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline... ." Fjelstad says anger is a sign that we are moving out of denial.  (Paraphrasing here)

You say there is nothing to be gained by talking to her.  If this is true then probably best not to engage with her.  However, only you know what is best for you. 

It seems you have been making progress detaching.  Take care of yourself and at any rate, if you decide to answer, you don't have to answer right away. 

Peace abd blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[DogMan75]

I was wrong. There was something good. I got to vent.

Maybe it wasn’t the high road I had been planning, but it was honest.

I don’t imagine she’ll be contacting me again.

Detachment continues.

[Forearmed]

DogMan75 - Good for you, mate! All you've proven is you are a strong man who won't be falling for the BS again or be party to their penchant for childish vindictiveness/ games (now they are in pure cold, sociopath mode). Please read my recent post on the * BPD Ex that wants to be 'friends'* - i think you'll get a lot from that. 

[once removed]

what happened?

[DogMan75]

If I’m truly being honest, I just called her a bunch of names for immediately just sleeping with other people and lying to me.

In my heart of hearts, though, I still just love her and wish I could find a way to forgive her, but I don’t think I can.

I put up a brave front, but really, I’m just heartbroken and wish she could just turn back time.

I know it’s so petty, but I couldn’t possibly give it another try with her without sleeping with more people than she slept with. I know that’s so stupid, but it would always be at the back of my mind if I didn’t.


Why couldn’t she just have kept her legs together like a normal person for thirty ___ing seconds?

[once removed]

I put up a brave front, but really, I’m just heartbroken and wish she could just turn back time.

youre really hurting, huh 

i was catching up with your story last night. its pretty gripping, and heartbreaking.

you mentioned you feel youve only been essentially detaching since june, do i have that right?

[DogMan75]

Yes, but only in fits and starts.

I’m trying to get on with my life but I can’t stop wanting to be with her. She’s the love of my life, as messed up as she is. I know it can’t work, and I can’t go on like this, but I can’t not love her.

She keeps telling me she wants to be with me too, but she’s still using lying and denying as her primary coping mechanisms. I can’t do it.

I can’t live with her, and I know I can live without her -I have to, but it’s not what I want. I’m choosing not to pursue what I actually want most in the world. It’s so painful. I cry every day. Every day.