I think I need to stop talking to BPDm

[nenarox2]

Well, after my post about being triggered by watching my BPDm abuse my niece. I think I truly need to no longer speak with my mom. I worry that it seems like I am being black and white. But I know what she did to me now and I cannot continue this relationship. She has BPD and there will always be some new crisis.  Thoughts?

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi Nenarox2,

It’s up to you. But maybe don’t put too much pressure on yourself to make an immediate all or nothing decision. What if you gave yourself some space and time to process and heal?

Yes, it’s true your mother will be who she is. You can’t change her, but you can work on healing yourself.  Maybe taking a short break from your mother could give you some space and time to work on your healing without being exposed to her ongoing manipulation and drama?

Have you read about Managing Emotional Flashbacks? I found this article by Pete Walker extremely enlightening:

www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf

It’s a lot to process, but very much worth the time and effort to do this work.

[Learning2Thrive]

So, if you don’t live in close proximity to your mum, maybe try gray rock and medium chill techniques while you work on your healing. Based on what you’ve stated, I don’t perceive an immediate need to throw down a dramatic NC boundary that will likely be met with an extinction burst, more drama and trauma.

After you’ve healed a bit and have time to get a clearer perspective you can make more permanent changes if you need to.

In the end, you need to do what you feel is right for you. Sending you understanding hugs.

L2T

[nenarox2]

Thanks for the advice! I agree that I need not be dramatic. I asked for space after she made fun of me in June. She completely acted as though I need to accept harsh and cruel jokes toward me. I have been keeping the space and really reading all that I can from the boards. Sending love and trying to fight the inner self-hatred. I have set so many boundaries and even gone a whole year with no communication. I just feel that I need to accept that this is all that there is and that I should just... .stop... .just stop trying with her.

Nobody ever talks about the white thinking. I loved when she was white with me... .It made me know I could overcome things. But the ranting. It was every morning. It was cruel. It was harsh and it only seems to be getting worse.

[nenarox2]

She seemed to have no filter and acted like abusing my niece was necessary.

[Learning2Thrive]

I’m very sorry for that experience.

Unfortunately, she is unlikely to change her behavior unless she is willing to seek treatment and do the work required to recover.

Have you read these steps for management of emotional flashbacks?
www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

[Learning2Thrive]

Step #4 -

Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.

This step is super important to me to help me move forward. I find myself searching for validation from trusted friends/intimates... .and it’s a sure sign I’m in the midst of dealing with emotional flashback.  In the past I sought validation from unhealthy individuals and this only served to add a new level of pain, humiliation and self-loathing.

If your best friend shared this with you (what you witnessed and your subsequent struggle) how would you lovingly advise her?