Did she dissociate and discard or did she fall out of love?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was in a very intense, loving relationship with an undiagnosed partner who showed many symptoms of BPD. She went from idealizing me (I was her soulmate, the love of her life, and the one she had been waiting for), to absolutely no feeling at all in a matter of days. We were in a long distance relationship and the last time i went to visit her, she had shut down emotionally and mentally due to stress at work. She was a shell of the person I knew. I went for a walk one day and she accused me of abandoning her. She lashed out and told me she hated me. When we discussed the matter and I told her that she was in a dark place and it was affecting our relationship, she broke down and said she would get help. (At this time, she had also lowered her anti-depression/anxiety prescription and was not seeing her therapist). The therapist told her to take time away from the relationship to see why she acted the way she did. At the end of a week, my partner contacted me and had completely detached. She said that something had 'shifted' and the relationship was no longer working for her. She said she had this deep love and care for me, and that she was attracted to me, however she didn't think she was in love. To top it off, she told me she was not heartbroken. She was cold and detached.
This happened within a week, as the week before, she was excited of the prospect of me moving there and starting a life together.
She has not spoken to me in a month and I believe she has moved on.

I am absolutely broken and I can't stop thinking about her and our love, even though she was quite cruel and heartless with the breakup.
Is there any advice on helping me move on? I feel paralyzed, unable to function at times. My heart is in pieces.

[allbymyself7]

I was in a very intense, loving relationship with an undiagnosed partner who showed many symptoms of BPD. She went from idealizing me (I was her soulmate, the love of her life, and the one she had been waiting for), to absolutely no feeling at all in a matter of days. We were in a long distance relationship and the last time i went to visit her, she had shut down emotionally and mentally due to stress at work. She was a shell of the person I knew. I went for a walk one day and she accused me of abandoning her. She lashed out and told me she hated me. When we discussed the matter and I told her that she was in a dark place and it was affecting our relationship, she broke down and said she would get help. (At this time, she had also lowered her anti-depression/anxiety prescription and was not seeing her therapist). The therapist told her to take time away from the relationship to see why she acted the way she did. At the end of a week, my partner contacted me and had completely detached. She said that something had 'shifted' and the relationship was no longer working for her. She said she had this deep love and care for me, and that she was attracted to me, however she didn't think she was in love. To top it off, she told me she was not heartbroken. She was cold and detached.
This happened within a week, as the week before, she was excited of the prospect of me moving there and starting a life together.
She has not spoken to me in a month and I believe she has moved on.

I am absolutely broken and I can't stop thinking about her and our love, even though she was quite cruel and heartless with the breakup.
Is there any advice on helping me move on? I feel paralyzed, unable to function at times. My heart is in pieces.

[CryWolf]

Hey buddy, I know it must be difficult for you. Wondering what went wrong, playing scenarios over and over, questioning your actions.

Your breakup dynamics are similar to my situation, as well as others here. My expBPD also told me she loved me, and wanted to be with me but not sure if it was love or settling. The valuing and praising then devalue the next week. It is exhausting for both parties.

Since you are posting on the detaching section, are you looking to move on correct?

What do you have going on outside the relationship? Such as, gym, sports, hobbies, friends/family, or are you seeing a therapist? The reason I ask, is because it is critical to get yourself a good support system and engulf yourself in activities that involve you.

[allbymyself7]

Hi, thank you for your message.
I drive myself nuts thinking about the memories, the fact she could be with someone else, her cold and detached responses. It’s torment.

I have no choice but to move on - she indicated she did not see a future for us and that she fell out of love.

I have seen a therapist twice, however I didn’t feel like there was a connection. I’m attempting to see a trauma therapist, as I do feel as though I’m in some emotional trauma from this all.
I used to workout daily, but now I hide and stay with family. I haven’t been able to do much else. I feel very paralyzed and just am really having a difficult time imagining my world without her.

I did have a minor freak out today and ended up contacting her. She basically told me people fall out of love all the time and that she wasn’t sure of what she wanted at the time but now she sees it clearly - our approach to life was different (a week earlier she was still in love and still wanting me to move there. I don’t believe rational people fall out of love in a week).
She’s still in denial about having BPD.

[crushedagain]

The pain is going to be brutal for a while, but it will get better. I was in such a dark, awful place last fall I thought it would never end. I was riddled with anxiety, insomnia, heart palpitations, stomach aches, and all sorts of physical ailments along with the mental anguish. It's now been 10 months and I am much better.

Know this: No matter what, your relationship with her would always come to an end again. There's simply no way to avoid the devaluation. It's built into them. It's who they are. So ask yourself if that's what you want to deal with for the rest of your life in a partner. My own realization is absolutely not.

[zachira]

It is really painful to be discarded and told that your partner just fell out of love. Just know that you will become a happier and healthier person examining how this all happened, and being determined to not fall again for someone who does not know how to have a loving long term relationship and how to end a relationship that takes into consideration the feelings of both partners. It is an arduous journey to change our pattern of who we are attracted to and who we fall in love with, yet it is very doable as time and distance heal the wounds. Many people on this Board are on/have been on the journey that you are on. We are here to listen and support you. Take care and keep us posted.

[mylovewbpd]

Oh man, this sounds so familiar. Same thing happened to me after a 4 year marriage. She would sometimes say she wanted to leave me for a long time, sometimes say it had just been a few weeks she'd been doubting us. She became so cold and cruel.  Pointing out all my flaws and saying it was my fault she had fallen out of love.  She used the same line I've seen from others, "People fall out of love all the time"... .do they? I guess if they aren't working at the relationship or if they detach and go cold like someone w/ BPD does.  It was devastating.  I am still just climbing out... .and now I just found out she's seeing someone else (let's face it, she was probably already flirting before she left me). Anyhow, what I've learned over the last 5 months is that NONE of this is your fault.  Something snapped in your significant other to make them afraid of losing you and that led to them detaching. You could be the most perfect partner ever; giving, loving, and honest; and he/she would have found some "reason" to fall out of love.  This is about self-protection.  This is about fear.  You will surely beat yourself up and run plays of your relationship in your dreams for months but nothing will change their mind unless they get help or they get lonely... .the fact of the matter is, this will happen again if they come back; if they are undiagnosed and untreated.  I recommend therapy to get your feelings out, find ways to cope, and maybe examine why you ended up in this relationship in the first place.  I am in therapy now and it is SO helpful.  Finally feeling optimistic about a future without "walking on eggshells". Much love 

[once removed]

I don’t believe rational people fall out of love in a week).

well, they dont.

but it often feels that way to us. in my case my ex had crossed some lines i had a very difficult time getting past. i pulled out of the relationship emotionally and physically. ignored and neglected her. at a certain point i changed my mind and wanted to reinvest in the relationship and give it our best shot. we had some really good times. no fighting as i recall. she said she felt shed fallen in love with me all over again. it really felt our relationship was on an upswing so i was devastated not to mention confused when she went very distant on me and then ended it.

the thing is is that she had largely grieved our relationship, and had started to move on. she had second thoughts, but that, in the end, wasnt enough.

now thats my story and not exactly the same as yours, but the point is that when a relationship is breaking down, neither party usually sees things the same way; both are usually on different pages. in our relationships, there are often things boiling under the surface that we cant see.

from our article on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD which includes the ten beliefs we often struggle with and can keep us stuck: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

[allbymyself7]

I broke down and messaged my ex yesterday. It did not go well... .
She told me “just because a person falls out of love, it does not mean they are mentally ill.” She said that in hindsight, it was clear: she wasn’t sure what she wanted when I was out there on my last visit in May. She loved me, but she didn’t see a future together because our “approach to life was different”.
She is a high achiever - she works day and night. Success is everything to her. It almost made me feel as though I wasn’t good enough, as I am at a crossroad in my career.
One thing I do know: I was gentle with her heart. She was not with mine.
Whether it was her throwing her keys and telling me she hated me, or belittling me in a public restaurant because I didn’t know enough about her religion, or accusing me of abandoning her if I simply went out for a walk to take some space.
She has not been diagnosed as BPD, but her temper, her lack of emotional intelligence (I felt like a parent during conflict or emotional conversations), her controlling and manipulative nature, her impulsiveness, her anxiety and depression, her past suicide attempt and eating disorder, and the way she detached from our relationship within a week all lead me to believe there could be a possibility she is Borderline.

She is in denial she is not mentally well and basically said she hoped I moved on and found happiness.
And throughout our relationship, she continuously talked about marriage, children, me relocating to be with her. She was obsessed with me.
I am at a loss. She went from one extreme to another. Does this sound like a sane person?

[once removed]

allbymyself7,

do you want to reconcile the relationship?

i ask because if you do, telling her that shes mentally ill is not likely a strategy that will accomplish that. it will push her away. you can work with us on the Bettering board to get on more solid footing if you do.

if you want to detach from the relationship, i dont recommend it either. mental illness or not, its about us and our healing now.

[allbymyself7]

I don’t think there is a chance she wants to reconcile. She has already stated she fell out of love and didn’t see a future.
I therefore have no choice but to detach. I’m finding it difficult to do so. I find it impossible believing it is over for her, considering a week prior to the breakup, she wanted me with her, she wanted a life together.
It happened so quickly. I don’t know how to stop loving her, wanting her, pining for her... .even though I know she’s not healthy for me.
I’ve seen my doctor who has perscriped me anti-depressants for the breakup. I’m seeing a trauma therapist next week. Other than that, I haven’t been able to do much. I can barely function,

[once removed]

i hear you abm  

this stuff is impossibly hard. i know you gave it your all.

when i was going through it myself, i was in such a state of desperation and bewilderment. she not only dumped me when i thought things were looking up, she jumped headlong into a new relationship within a week.

i wanted to do so many things. lash out at her. make a case that we should be together. tell her she had BPD. tell her mother she had BPD. i had good advice from friends and family. they kept telling me not to be hasty, and to hold off. to keep my self respect intact and not put my heart on the line. many years later with the pain long gone, im grateful that i listened.

i think the advice applies whether you want her back or not. in the darkest moments, youll be able to lean on that strength. and when it gets better (and it will get better) youll be very grateful. your resilience will grow ten fold. i know thats a cold comfort now.

its a good move to see your doctor and a therapist abm. around 80% of members come here depressed, youre not alone. how long have you been taking them? it can take some time to see results.

[allbymyself7]

I’ve been taking the medication for about 3 weeks now. I feel a bit numb, but I’m still breaking down everyday, have moments of panic and despair.
I truly feel like this will never get better... .that I’ll never stop wanting her. She felt like home to me, and told me she felt the same about me.
It’s so hard to believe she just stopped feeling when she continuously told me hiw much she adored me, loved me and didn’t want to be without me.
And then, it was like she flipped a switch and her feelings turned off. She became cold and detached. Almost cruel. I almost feel like I was dealing with a different person. Perhaps a defence mechanism?

I’ve losf all joy in my life since she’s left a month ago and I truly don’t know how to get it back.

[allbymyself7]

I also had a weak moment and made contact with her after 3 weeks of NC. I broke down because I thought she was seeing someone else. She was cold... .and told me she was not in love and couldn’t picture a future together because we approached life differently. She said she was sorry for making me think she wanted a life with me.
She loved me and was truly happy, but she needed to move on. She said she hoped I could find happiness and move on.
It was brutal, considering her obsession with me and her expressions of love and devotion throughout the time we were together. It doesn’t make sense.

[once removed]

meds can make a real/big difference. in a state of depression, our minds can really fight against us, torture us frankly, and meds can help alleviate some of that. but they wont eliminate despair and pain over a loss.

thats going to take a strong support system, and some steps (as youre ready to take them).

have you thought about adding a therapist to your support system? its made a huge difference to so many members.

[allbymyself7]

Hi once removed,

I have been seeing a therapist however it hasn’t helped much. I’ve found a trauma therapist I will see this week, so hopefully that will help me. At this point, I feel so hopeless. Nothing seems to take this pain away. I shouldn’t have made contact with her, as her words cut through me like a knife. It made me feel as though I just couldn’t meet her standards, that she was sane and that she simply just fell out of love overnight. It really messes with my head

[once removed]

youve got a good plan.

i know how hard it can be to even function. i didnt, for several months, and i would tell people that things were only getting worse.

but youre taking good steps.

the pain will not just go away or evaporate. this is deep grief. like a major injury, it needs to be tended, regularly, it needs a good "cast", and it needs to heal. you take those steps in order for the wounds to heal but there is no quick fix.

anticipate that this will be a hard and difficult journey. sometimes, in my darkest hours, thats what helped me the most, was expecting that it would be a very volatile journey, that maybe for ten minutes i might feel better and then worse, or maybe for an entire day id feel better and then be blindsided, but that every painful step was moving closer to healing, and that indeed, one day, things would be better, and they were.

and we are with you every step of that journey.

[Zemmma]

Man I feel your pain.

You think a lot like me. You believe in love! Its like these lovers are shattering a core belief. Its hard to break a core belief!

To believe with all of your heart: 1) S/he loves me. And we know that because we felt it more strongly than anything in our lives. We were there and a witness and participant in it. It was real. And also, 2) Love doesn't leave.

Your mind will struggle with this for a long time. "How could this person who shared this great love with me choose to leave?" It doesn't make any sense.

I haven't remotely escaped any of it. It is horrible this time, but maybe not as intense as some of the times before. This person has come back many times to rip my heart out again. He declared great love and then the absolute will to leave, then the full-on passion to return with, "I won't ever leave you again," and then "No, its not working, I am not happy... " Your loved one has shown you that they can flip the switch. On. Off. Maybe on again. But in that case, there is a grand likelihood by that point that she has shown you who she truly is.

One of my exBPD's friends met me for lunch one day during a break and we talked a little about him. She certainly didn't know much about our situation and she doesn't know his intimate inner workings but she gave me some really good advice. She simply said, "Find someone who is happy already." Just think about that one a little.

I think the love bombing and placing you on a pedestal at the beginning- thinking you are the answer to all of their prayers is a lovely exaggeration. It is a desperate attempt to resolve deep-seated psychological issues and pain. Or emptiness. They want so badly to believe you are the answer to the endless inner struggle, a way out of the all-consuming darkness that they can not escape. Of course you will disappoint them! Of course you can not live up to that. You are another human being with your own dreams, hopes and needs in the relationship and in the world. Your sole purpose is not to heal them or to be their salvation. And anything short of that will be your failure. You absolutely will not be able to live up to this because it is an unrealistic expectation to place on anyone.

I know you may not want to find anyone else. I don't really either. But the point is, we can not make a person who is fundamentally unhappy, happy. We can not love them into emotional stability. We can't make a sick person, well. And in the case of BPD, our love might be just the thing that triggers them the most. The intimate relationship brings up so much past and pain on conscious and sub-conscious levels: emotional flashbacks, feelings of mistrust, suspicion, anger, jealousy, insecurity, fear of abandonment, feeling trapped or out of control, urge to isolate or run away.

It is so difficult to face. I am somehow comforted that there are so many others with stories that echo mine so closely. This is not a completely foreign human experience. Your story feels like my story, as do so many others here. But we are the few who found this site... How many people are out there that didn't search the right words to find this place? If this kind of thing is happening to so many people, then clearly it is something people are living with and something we can live through. People don't mourn one person for the rest of their living days. In most cases they get over it eventually and find love again. You believe in love. You should believe it can happen for you again. That's the one thing urging me to step away and keep walking from this person who has demonstrated repeatedly that their amazing, breathtaking, incomparable love eventually always circles back to pain.

And now I have to take a hard look and admit: Yes, he could come back and give me some glorious times again. And I would be happy for a while. For as long as he could maintain it. But the truth is, I don't want to be here again in a year, two years, five or ten years down the road because I didn't believe love could be more than this depressing, paralyzing, gloomy, groundhog day.

Be careful with that big heart. You may need it again.

[zachira]

 "I think the love bombing and placing you on a pedestal at the beginning- thinking you are the answer to all of their prayers is a lovely exaggeration. It is a desperate attempt to resolve deep-seated psychological issues and pain. Or emptiness. They want so badly to believe you are the answer to the endless inner struggle, a way out of the all-consuming darkness that they can not escape. Of course you will disappoint them! Of course you can not live up to that. You are another human being with your own dreams, hopes and needs in the relationship and in the world. Your sole purpose is not to heal them or to be their salvation. And anything short of that will be your failure. You absolutely will not be able to live up to this because it is an unrealistic expectation to place on anyone."
Zemma, a perfect description of how we get emotionally trapped into a relationship that will never lead to anything but endless recycling of pain and frustration. I am engraving your words in my head, so I can stop looking for a man to rescue and find one I genuinely admire who loves me for who I am, not for what he wishes I were.

[allbymyself7]

Zemma,

Thank you so much for your heartfelt words. They have deeply resonated in me.

The fact that she chose to leave after continuously stating I was the best thing to have ever happened to her, from a reasonably sane person’s perspective, does not make sense.
You’re right - love does not leave.
Love does not hurt, or control, belittle, or abuse, or switch off suddenly.
And that’s what these people do. Perhaps it’s out of their control, but we are worthy of healthy, gentle love.

I really do wish I could just stop feeling for her; to see her for what she really is - a broken person incapable of anything functional. I want to be turned off so badly. I don’t want to pine for someone who has been so careless with my heart.

However, I’m constantly reminded of her every waking moment of every day. The music on the radio, the food we enjoyed eating together, the places we’ve visited, the plans we spoke about.
I feel as though I’m living in a nightmare. My heart is so full of love for her, and yet I don’t want it to be. I want it to stop.