BPD inability to commit to plans/ arrangements. Why?

[Forearmed]

I've noticed this syndrome a lot in a few comments. As a person who went through this (initially it was fear of how she was feeling toward me in her honeymoon period) i'm interested to hear member  takes on if  they were subjected to; more than normal cancellations  of dates / meet arrangements in general. I also wonder why -  past the honeymoon period - a BPD will often actually initiate dates but cancel last minute multiple times (even without notice if boundaries aren't put in place!)  Is this part of  'advanced'  push /pull or a bigger game being played as they become more complacent / now increasingly devalue the other person ?

What say you... .? : )

[juju2]

My experience w pwBPD, was either not making plans, or spur of the moment, nothing else.  Looking back, since we started living together right away, informally, he pretty much spent 24/7 at my place after just knowing eachother two weeks, think because i encouraged the living arrangement without knowing much about him, there were also
bad behaviours i allowed.  Why did i want to move so quickly.  i was not healthy then.

Thank you for reading, j

[Harley Quinn]

So what you're saying is that she arranged dates with you and then kept cancelling?  How often did this happen?  Was she dysregulated at the time she cancelled or do you think it was something else that caused her to cancel?

Love and light x

[schwing]

Hi Forearmed,

I also wonder why -  past the honeymoon period - a BPD will often actually initiate dates but cancel last minute multiple times (even without notice if boundaries aren't put in place!)  Is this part of  'advanced'  push /pull or a bigger game being played as they become more complacent / now increasingly devalue the other person ?

I'd like to think that for pwBPD, a lot of their decision making process is impulsive.  And so what they will do depends on their most immediate impulse.  At the time that they initiated a date, perhaps they were idealizing you.  But during the time before the actual date, they might imagine you "abandoning" or cancelling the date, and so to avoid this imagined abandonment, they would cancel on you first.

I've had a few experiences with potentially BPD women who would set up a date and then completely cut me off.

My two bits,

Schwing

[Forearmed]

Hi Forearmed,

I'd like to think that for pwBPD, a lot of their decision making process is impulsive.  And so what they will do depends on their most immediate impulse.  At the time that they initiated a date, perhaps they were idealizing you.  But during the time before the actual date, they might imagine you "abandoning" or cancelling the date, and so to avoid this imagined abandonment, they would cancel on you first.

I've had a few experiences with potentially BPD women who would set up a date and then completely cut me off.

My two bits,

Schwing

Hi Juju, Harley and Schwing (btw some of your posts a good few years back certainly educated me brilliantly on 'normal' BPD so I owe you Schwing, ).  TBH, i'm more interested on your personal takes as for me i actually believe it was as simple as her being well past the honeymoon stages. i.e. 'when' we spoke (she started to spend a lot more time living her BPD waif life) our rapport was always excellent. It was the inbetween stages where things broke down. e.g. A simple 'hope you're well text not being responded to for days.

So, in terms of being past the honeymoon stages her implusiveness / self-interest /pre-occupations magnified and she would make dates in the moment. Knowing what i know of her,  anything at that stage could have been a cancellation trigger; feeling tired/ stressed/ ill / what if our sexual chemistry kicks in? (and she can't deal with feeling a certain way again)/ preferring to stay in with her daughter at that point / even newer date potential, would result in cancelling. This happened about six times with about three being excusable. I was initially cool about the situation, but when clear disrespect happened around the third I wasn't able to ignore. And i didn't pussyfoot around that (which we know never helps). The others afterwards i just got fed up of.

Ultimately, I was getting the feeling I was a very useful validation back -up option and was being led into playing the malleable male who will take all her s... t tests. That wasn't a part i wasn't going to play -esp. once things became too disrespectful by my own standards: )

[Cromwell]

Yep, punctuality and time keeping was a must. Which was ok because im a reliable guy.

There were only a few times she made arrangements and cancelled them last minute, I saw it at the time as game playing but on reflection, it is a case of feeling abandoned by the other, or the decision was made impulsively to meet in the first place. The only real success I found was to make arrangements at very short notice where the mood at that time is open for it. My ex could alter moods within a few hours, if an arrangment was made in the morning to meet up at 7pm, in the space of that time her emotions could be in a completely different place.

One time early in the relationship I waited over an hour outside her house, knocked on the door, called, her phone went to voicemail. Eventually my battery ran out and I left. As soon as I got home (an hours drive) family member told me she had called and begged me to come back, that she had fallen asleep but saw me drive away. Its strange because half an hour before meeting we spoke so its a very small time frame to just fall asleep. I still dont know if it was a form of testing, or if she was in some emotional state, or if it was genuine she was asleep but my gut instinct says it was a form of testing "reliability" at an early stage. There were a few other simialrish scenarios but they stopped I think because she felt secure that I was reliable all the time.

I said to her on one occasion "I know the real reason for this, its to test how much I care about you", and she gave a guilty look, which over time I learned was her give a way look.

I think its a mix of excessive actions to not feel emotionally vulnerable intermixed with a form of testing to see how reliable you are. Then added to that, some arrangments will have been made at impulsive moments and then not wanting to follow through due to being in a different state of mind when the time gets nearer.

[Forearmed]

There were only a few times she made arrangements and cancelled them last minute, I saw it at the time as game playing but on reflection, it is a case of feeling abandoned by the other, or the decision was made impulsively to meet in the first place.

I think its a mix of excessive actions to not feel emotionally vulnerable intermixed with a form of testing to see how reliable you are. Then added to that, some arrangments will have been made at impulsive moments and then not wanting to follow through due to being in a different state of mind when the time gets nearer.
[/quote]

Yep, some fair assessments i think, Cromwell. Certainly, in my experience the behaviour got a lot worse once out of her honeymoon period and once other triggers (such as still living with my ex-partner) were involved.   

[Cromwell]

My ex was fine until she got led astray by other personalities, it is this inner insecurity of wanting to have many 'friends' and to be liked. At the same time is the competition, there was jealousy for how close I was with her and what I believe happens is that in order to impress, my ex role plays the personality to the exact specification she believes the other expects from her, if they dislike me, she will temporarily support that.

Doesnt matter if the next day she is with me, she will 'switch back' chameleon like, as if nothing had ever happened, and resume her role as girlfriend. Just part of the bizareness that took me so long to understand.

Her behaviour reminds of the saying "if you sit on the fence too long"

In order to not be vulnerable my ex just became an expert at hedging her bets, regardless of the fact that I would have provided her a completely secure emotional bond that she was looking for, they dont have that level of trust, or more accurately 'cant', it is just too exposing for her. Sure over time she recognised me as being the fmost' secure option and wants that in her life, reliable, proven over time - her longest relationship, yet why should I commit myself and then ponder each day that she decides on a whim to keep other options over, or more hurtful, jump to a perceived better replacement. It all feels too 'parasitical' for me and thats when I had enough.

hope she is enjoying shovelling french fries each day and going home smelling of onions because the replacement/enabler has engineered that she has to work with him. (to keep an eye on her), I never controlled her at all. Oh well, she had her chance.

[Forearmed]

In order to not be vulnerable my ex just became an expert at hedging her bets, regardless of the fact that I would have provided her a completely secure emotional bond that she was looking for, they dont have that level of trust, or more accurately 'cant', it is just too exposing for her. Sure over time she recognised me as being the fmost' secure option and wants that in her life, reliable, proven over time - her longest relationship, yet why should I commit myself and then ponder each day that she decides on a whim to keep other options over, or more hurtful, jump to a perceived better replacement. It all feels too 'parasitical' for me and thats when I had enough.

hope she is enjoying shovelling french fries each day and going home smelling of onions because the replacement/enabler has engineered that she has to work with him. (to keep an eye on her), I never controlled her at all. Oh well, she had her chance.
[/quote]

Love this!