MIL and living situation update

[PeteWitsend]

Hi all,

I haven't posted in a while, I think or maybe not at all since my MIL moved in with us in Mid-April.  time flies.

A lot of people expressed concern that my MIL would exacerbate issues with my wife, especially since I think my MIL may also be on the BPD spectrum, and my in-laws had a pretty high-conflict relationship, which my wife was exposed to all her life.

In some ways, having my MIL here has been beneficial though, as help with the kids they're both pre-K aged) is still help with the kids, even if the person providing it isn't 100% thrilled to do it.  And we were able to take them out of summer day care, saving a bunch of money, although the cost of supporting a third adult eats into that somewhat.

My MIL doesn't speak English and has not been particularly dedicated at her lessons, so my BPD wife bears the sole burden of communicating with her.  And my MIL complains a lot - like any wife - to my own wife!  "when will you be home from work?"  "these kids are driving me crazy, I need a break."  "What should I make for dinner?" "You don't appreciate all I do", etc etc ad nauseum.

My uBPD wife even apologized sort of (REALLY!) and said something like "I realized I did this to you when I was staying home with the kids, and I didn't realize how stressful it can be to come home to that."

NO SH... .!

So in general, things have been better, however, my own family hasn't been in for a visit in a while, nor have we talked about going to see them.  I know once the topic of my own mom or dad coming for a visit or going to visit my parents or family comes up, all the crazy dysregulation will be back in a second.  those hints have been dropped several times... .

I just don't understand how an adult could be so self-centered and selfish to not graciously go along with an annual visit or two to see her in-laws, after her own spouse has repeatedly extended the same courtesy to her, and didn't complain when her mom came to freaking live in the same house... .BPD for you, I guess.

It's difficult, and I know it's not just me, to remember to validate, reassure, etc. when you feel disrespected, invalidated, and unappreciated yourself. 

[RolandOfEld]

Hi PW, sorry to hear that despite all you've done for your wife's FOO, she can't reciprocate in terms of helping you to see yours. Boy am I with you there, brother.

I moved with my wife to her country almost ten years ago, so see family and friends very rarely. And my FOO is a huge trigger. Just took her sister (a genuinely good person and great with our kids) our for insanely expensive bday lunch yesterday. But I am working up the nerve to tell her I want to visit my country / family next April and bring the kids with me. Not expecting a lot of help on that front.

So yeah, the constant unfairness is a real pain. What in particular about your FOO triggers you wife?

~RolandOfEld

[formflier]

Pete,


That's good to hear... .that she is self reflecting somewhat.

When she is doing that kind of self reflecting... .perhaps that is a good time to bring up your family coming to visit.  If she starts to go off the rails... .ask her how that is different... from what she was self reflecting on and expressing sorrow about.

Thoughts?


FF

[Red5]

My uBPD wife even apologized sort of (REALLY!) and said something like "I realized I did this to you when I was staying home with the kids, and I didn't realize how stressful it can be to come home to that."

NO SH... .!

I just don't understand how an adult could be so self-centered and selfish to not graciously go along with an annual visit or two to see her in-laws, after her own spouse has repeatedly extended the same courtesy to her, and didn't complain when her mom came to freaking live in the same house... .BPD for you, I guess.

It's difficult, and I know it's not just me, to remember to validate, reassure, etc. when you feel disrespected, invalidated, and unappreciated yourself. 

Morning Pete,

As I always say to myself, ."part and parcel for BPD".

Seems to me, the more I learn, the more I use the tools, the further I go in the marriage;... .the more evident (stark) it becomes, and I began to realize, just how far apart things are between myself, and my own udx (BPD) wife.

Red5

[PeteWitsend]

Pete,


That's good to hear... .that she is self reflecting somewhat.

When she is doing that kind of self reflecting... .perhaps that is a good time to bring up your family coming to visit.  If she starts to go off the rails... .ask her how that is different... from what she was self reflecting on and expressing sorrow about.

Thoughts?


FF

that particular topic might be a bridge too far.  she's consistently shown a remarkable ability to go right back to every perceived slight, with no wiggle room, and speak in obviously untrue superlatives, no matter how happy a situation was, if I bring up my family, or in particular my own mom.

I did try to use another "teachable moment" once, when she was complaining about how my MIL flipped out and threw a tantrum at her out of the blue.  She said something about how she could sense the hostility before she had even said anything to her.  I took a chance and mentioned she does the same thing to me, noted a recent example of her and said it's obvious that is learned behavior.

she thought about it.  she didn't like me bringing it up, but she thought about it.

baby steps.