DIL w/ BPD (undiagnosed) destroying my Son and our Family

[OLM]

This is my first post here. I stumbled upon this site in my search for help, answers, basically anything to ease the pain of what’s currently happening with my family.

I read some postings here and it was like reading my very own horror story in duplicate.

My adult son’s wife is destroying him and our family, and we are completely helpless to stop it. I’ve tried for 5+ years to try and hold everyone and everything together but no longer feel I have the strength to do so.

My DIL takes every weakness and fear that my son has and manipulates, lies, and controls him with them. It’s like watching the movie Misery only the abuse to him is mental instead of physical.

She tells blatant lies and twists partial truths. She can’t seem to even recognize what is real and what is not. She takes the most innocent situations and blows them into catastrophic outcomes at every opportunity.

She portrays a victim in every story and perceived everything and everyone to be against her, but the saddest part is she has my Son broken down so completely that he now mimics her behaviour.

I am lost, exhausted and just so devastated I don’t know what to do or where to turn. My husband and my other Son are hurt as well and no longer want to be part of her drama. We are all beyond devastated to lose our Son and Brother, but I see now there is no winning. We are all always the bad guys. Nothing we do is ever the right thing, it’s always against them in their eyes.

She has been creating a triangle around us with my brothers family and my husbands family and it is frustrating that others can’t see how she is crippling both sides of our extended family, not just our immediate. She uses my grandkids as weapons and manipulation tools at every turn. As well she uses my sons love for them to manipulate him further. I question what we have done to deserve all of this, or how one mentally ill person can devastate so many relationships. I feel very strongly that the victims of mental illness are not necessarily those with the illness themselves but those in direct contact with them.

The details of the abuse we have endured is endless and too lengthy to even begin to share. But I want anyone else out there that lives this type of horrible existence everyday as we do, to know I welcome their input and you are not alone.

Maybe just knowing we are not alone here will give us some peace. So sad that this situation is so common.

[Shadow144]

 . . . like reading my own story.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 

I wish I had some words of wisdom for the situation, but I am in the same boat, except we no longer have contact with my son or our 2-year-old granddaughter.  They cut our entire family out as if we were the problem. 

It's all so very sad.

[OLM]

Thank you so much for your reply. I am so sad for you, that you have had to share the same hardships as we are dealing with. It isn't right and it isn't fair.

It is disturbing to me how common this situation is. I am a "fixer" by nature and for the first time in my entire life I feel there is no fixing. A few years ago I couldn't have fathomed how a parent could distance themselves from their child no matter what the situation was, but now I don't see any other way to handle it. I feel like I am in survival mode now. I am mentally and physically drained.

I can't tell my husband and other son all the terrible things that my oldest son and daughter in law have said about our family or there would be no hope of any contact, so I keep it to myself and just try to do as much damage control as I can. They see and feel everything but I don't see any good that could come of me elaborating on the details to create even more drama and severity to it all.

The process of keeping it all locked in my head and my heart are literally affecting my health so this is why I felt the need to reach out here.

How do you deal with it everyday? Has it too affected your other in-laws and less immediate family members?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi OLM and welcome to our online family! 

I'm glad you stumbled upon us, and know that you'll find fellow sojourners here who understand what you are going through. We have other in-laws who come here as well, and your story will resonant with them and the rest of us.

I'm so sorry that you've had these rough past years, but I hope there will be some comfort for you in having discovered the possibility of what may indeed be going on. Do you feel relief or overwhelmed in finding out this information? Have you ever reached out to a T (therapsit) to help you navigate through the struggles?

How is your son feeling about his wife through all the stuff she is doing to him and your family? Does he continue to be supportive of her or is he struggling as well?

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

 
Wools

[Pilpel]

Hi OLM,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.  I have a sister in law who I believe is N/BPD.  It has been difficult for our whole family.  And after ten years, I discovered that she has initiated conflicts/petty confrontations with extended family and friends --aunts/uncles, cousins, even cousins of cousins.  Our family has always had a passive "forgive and turn the other cheek" mentality.  But a person with BPD/npd really puts that to the test.  

I can't tell my husband and other son all the terrible things that my oldest son and daughter in law have said about our family or there would be no hope of any contact, so I keep it to myself and just try to do as much damage control as I can. They see and feel everything but I don't see any good that could come of me elaborating on the details to create even more drama and severity to it all.

It sounds like it isn't good for you to keep this stuff in.  I have to second what Woolspinner asks -- Have you talked to a therapist?  It might be good to talk to a therapist that has experience with personality disorders.  People with N/BPD have such a forceful way of pushing their reality and expectations on people.  My first confrontation with SIL shook me up so much, I couldn't sleep for days.  I had never encountered anything like her ever.  Most people I tried to talk to about it thought I was exaggerating.  A few relatives said, "it's normal for in laws to have a little conflict, to discover that they think a little differently."  It took a few years later, but now they've all had run ins with her.  And they have all had the same response --where they felt deeply disturbed and shaken by the confrontations.  

Learning about BPD and NPD and finding this board was a big help --if anything to know that our family wasn't alone and there was a name that could describe it and tools for interacting with someone with a personality disorder.  I have to admit, I had been reading about things on this board like FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) for awhile, and then I got an email from SIL that was really upsetting in its anger and expectations.  And I had to read it over several times before I realized, "Oh, this is what FOG is!"  She had a very definitely pattern of using fear, obligation, and guilt to try to manipulate people.  And when I read about JADE (don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), it also took me awhile before I realized --Oh, that's right.  That's what I keep trying to do!  I'm not much into arguing, but I'm constantly trying to defend and explain myself.  You can JADE with other people and come to a meeting of minds.  But in my experience it's pretty meaningless with someone with a personality disorder.  Their feelings are more important than reality.  

[OLM]

Do you feel relief or overwhelmed in finding out this information? Have you ever reached out to a T (therapsit) to help you navigate through the struggles?

How is your son feeling about his wife through all the stuff she is doing to him and your family? Does he continue to be supportive of her or is he struggling as well?

In response WoolSpinner2000. . . I would have to say it makes me feel discouraged to find out that so many are estranged from their children, their families have been devastated, and that I haven't yet seen any say they were able to get through and find a successful way to have a loving family life with them. I feel depressed and scared that I have lost my Son and Grandchildren, and fearful of what other relationships she may destroy within our families.

I am pretty sure my Son is hook, line and sinker with our DIL. I truly believe he does not see what she is doing, even though sometimes I think I can see that he knows its wrong. She is super negative and keeps him in victim mode so she can be his only supporter. She stirs him up with false stories, and overtime I see that he now believes them. He runs things over and over in his head until he becomes the vocal one, while she sits back pretending to be innocent.

Together they are the victims and expect everyone else to prove their worth to them, to kiss up and roll over for them. They do cruel things to our family and feel they are justified because they were wronged. It can be as simple as not waiving when passing in a vehicle to set off a tangent, when the situation was as simple as us not seeing them.

I have reached out to a family councillor and she is the one who pointed me in the direction to research BPD from my description of DIL actions. Truthfully I am scared to say the words out loud even to a councillor, that maybe my Son too has something impairing his judgement to contribute to the situation, because I find it so hard to believe that anyone can be so fully manipulated. But maybe it is possible as I read so many of the same stories here that seem to back up that it is actually possible.

I take some comfort in the thought that eventually others will see her true colors but it saddens me that my Son is committed to such a toxic person. He is a good person who truly deserves happiness. Part of me thinks that we should just step back and let our DIL push us out of his life so he can live with no conflict, and if that made him happier so be it. But then we will forever be the bad guys that destroyed the family to them, and I don't want him to feel abandoned. As you can see I am grasping at straws as to what to do.

Thank you so much for reaching out to me and know that it helps me to read your reply.

[OLM]

Hi Pilpel

I had never heard of FOG or JADE. Thank you for your reply!

I did some research online and FOG is exactly what my DIL uses and I totally always try justify, defend and explain etc.

As you mentioned with your situation, I too have reached out to a couple people close to me about our situation and felt it was sloughed off as typical Inlaw stuff.

With each reply I learn a little more so again thank you  

[Pilpel]

OLM, I started to write something else to you, but I think I lost it.  So I'll try again... . 

I also wanted to say that I feel for you for the sense of loss and confusion you must feel with your son.  I always looked up to my brother.  I thought he was a different sort of person. He used to be critical of me when I didn't get along with my mom.  So it really threw me when he got engaged to a young woman who was a walking red flag of dysfunction, someone who was openly hostile toward our mom. 

I did want to say that things have changed a bit over time.  When they first got married, my brother actively played the part of his wife's "flying monkey" for several years.  (Flying monkey is another fitting term I learned on this board.)  I'm not sure what happened.  But at some point, he stopped acting like her flying monkey.  I believe he still loves her.  I don't think it's an indication of their marriage falling apart.  Though I know it's been troubling for her.  She's been somewhat open about the fact that they've been going to marriage counselors, and that he's become withdrawn at home.  I suspect he's just seen her stir up so much drama over the years, and he's figured out that participating in it doesn't help her or anyone.  I also wonder if their kids getting older has changed how he responds to her.  I can't imagine what it would be like when BPD mom is allowed to act one way, but not reasonably healthy parent would know that they can't allow their kids to act the same way. 

[Pico96]

Your situation is eerily similar to mine.   My daughter's illness has been visible to the whole family for about 20 yrs but has escalated in the last year to a smear campaign against me.   She has also taken away my two grandsons, who I have babysat for on a regular basis for 10 yrs.   she has snubbed her 84 yr old grandmother, whom she had been close to all her life.   She has allowed her deadbeat dad back into her life, after he abandoned her and had virtually no contact with for 35 yrs.   She has a very insecure husband as her main enabler and has surrounded herself with 'flying monkeys'.   
She has been going to the same therapist for 'anxiety' for over 10 yrs and this has not helped at all... .she has gotten progressively worse.   I went to an independent therapist with her and during the second session, after being pressed for facts that she wouldn't answer, walked out.
The amount of lies about me and the complete disintegration of our whole family is heartbreaking.
I wish I could help you but I can only feel your pain.

[Angie59]

Hello OLM! 

I can't' believe I have not seen your post until now.  I have so many similarities going on in my life as you do, it is really incredible!  Please know you are not alone, and somehow, someway, I feel comfort knowing I am not alone.  That certainly does not mean I am happy you are going through this - no one should have to endure this type of life, and we are doing the same here as you have written about.

It is ironic you have another son, as we do.  Our oldest son, a brother to the 28-year-old younger son who is in a relationship with an uBPD, and our family is simply coming apart at the seams because of it all.  My screen name is Angie59 and if you would like to look up previous posts of my regarding her behavior, it may ring a bell as to what you are going through, but I have found that much of her behavior is so bizarre, disgusting and sickening to me that it is almost hard to show any compassion for her mental illness.

I am an anxiety sufferer and have had severe depression in the past that is now under control.  The anxiety, however, has really been taking a toll on me and I too, feel it effects me mentally every single day and is now taking a physical toll on me. 

We do still have contact with our son.  They have our grandson together (he is our first and only grandchild we have biologically), and his girlfriend has a 4-year-old daughter from another boyfriend.  She showed up in my son's life when the 4-year-old was only 5 months old, so we have come to love her as our own.  She has developed some very serious behavioral problems over the past couple of years, I feel mainly due to her mother's absence.  She is gone all the time doing whatever in the hell she wants.  My son is the only stability they have in their lives, as he is with them all the time.

You explained my son to a T.  He was raised in a family filled with love, went to a private school for 13 years, all the way from kindergarten through high school, then onto college and is now a successful architect.  He told a close aunt of his that going to work is the only time he is not stressed and can relax.  Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?  Home should be that place?

He too has been manipulated by her, lied to, cheated on, and she is now engaging in what she calls "photo shoots" that are nothing but pornography.  Nothing is left to the imagination, let's just say that.  What is the purpose?  No one but my son I guess knows.  We have no idea.  We found these on a tablet that she allows our 2-year old grandson and 4-year-old granddaughter to watch their shows and games on!  The photo icon where they can plainly see these photos is one icon away from the PBS guy which opens up their games and videos.  Very easily accessible to them. 

She has gone on four different trips in the past 4-1/2 years she has been with him, the latest to the Dominican Republic, with a man she always says are just "friends."  However, she is gone quite a bit, and the 4-1/2 year asked me the other day if I liked her new boots.  I said yes, and she said, yeah, mommy and (the "friend" took me to get them!  Later that same day, when my husband and I were picking up some books off the floor, we find a book called "It is Perfectly Normal," which is a book that explains in drawings explicitly everything involving puberty, including masturbation with drawings, how a baby is made, how a baby is born, how girls and boys bodies are different, etc... .  It says ages 10+.  Why is it in the same house on the children's book shelf with a 2 and 4 year old?  What effect does the photos of her do to her children if they see them?  I don't know how they wouldn't have by now.

This is just the tip of the iceberg Olm.  Perhaps my story has blown you away enough for you to feel a little bit better that yours perhaps is not that bad.  I have yet to come across anyone who has had any of those things happen.  My son knows about the photos.  My son knows that "something is wrong," but he just keeps on defending and keeps on acting like they are the happiest little family on earth!

My husband, son and I have talked about making boundaries which we must do in order for us to survive all of this.  I hope it doesn't end up in no contact with our son and grandkids, but I don't know.  My husband and I watch our 2-year-old grandson every Thursday and Friday.  We put in 10+ hour days and are so uncomfortable there.  No appreciation ever.  Not even a thank you as we leave the house. 

Okay, I've rattled on enough.  I hope to hear from you.  We really have a lot in common and hopefully you don't have all the really nasty stuff in common with us.  It is enough to make us feel nauseated.  My son and husband are just angry all the time about it and I'm usually just in tears about it all the time.  No way to live!

Hang in there!   

[OLM]

Thank you to all who have replied to my thread. What an unjust world we live in that so many of us have to suffer from the illness of a single person. I want to scream it to the world for people to learn more about BPD/mental illness, and to broadcast who the real victims are. People need to be able to recognize the signs to protect themselves and especially the children. But instead we just tippy toe around not looking any deeper. I know it is wrong but it gets my blood boiling when I read about how we should feel compassion for those with mental illness.  They don't know any other reality. In my opinion their actions, feelings and thoughts seem normal to them so they have no remorse and get relief/justification from their destruction of others.

My UBPD DIL is hard enough to deal with but as I mentioned earlier I now fear that my son has completely fallen into her world. He has been under a lot of stress the past couple years trying to make ends meat to support his family during an economic downturn. After their second child she convinced my son that it was better she didn't return to work (even though he was barely working), to become a stay at home mom. She claimed that during her first return to work, the sitter they had, had not properly cared for their child. Normally that is not such a bad thing to stay home to care for your own kids, but because of the financial strains it put extreme pressure on my Son. Also the fact that someone with mental illness is the only contact these children have in a day is already showing the effects at age 2 and 4. My son puts his children above all else which I am very proud of him for, but she uses that fact to manipulate him to get everything she wants. Anyways long story short for the past couple years I have watched my son go from an always hard working man, to sitting in his house depressed waiting to get called to work. I could see him becoming more and more unhappy. I could just see him sinking, until finally a year or so ago he started showing outward signs that he was taking on her negative mindset. He confronted me telling me how he felt he had such a terrible childhood, and that he was neglected by my husband who favored our other son. He has always had a strong sense of sibling rivalry with his brother who is 5 years younger, but this was magnified to a degree of a million percent. I was shocked and speechless, I couldn't even fathom where this was coming from. He was telling twisted stories and I was just sick. This is when I turned to a family counsellor as I didn't know what else to do. She confirmed what I had suspected that his depressed mindset had put him in such a weak state of mind that he no longer had the capability to defend himself from his wife's illness and the influences it had on him.

Since then every little thing sets them both off. She stirs him with lies and stories, he believes them and then bases his actions and conversations on them. Most recently my youngest sons wife cheated on him, and at first I felt that my older son was handling the situation in the best interest of my his brother, but within days our DIL had told him lies and stories of gossip that sent him into a rage. What followed was him being angry at his brother for giving his wife a second chance and going to marriage counselling, and now they are angry at my husband and I for supporting his brother in what ever decision he makes in regards to his life.

We can't win. Between my son and DIL we are always wrong and we are always the bad guys. She is destroying my son and the good person he was prior to her by manipulating him for her own agenda, with no regard at how it is breaking him, or how unhappy it is making him. Why can't he see this ? He is completely and whole hardily, her flying monkey.

Our DIL to date has not shown any of the self destructive behavior problems that are often described with BPD thank goodness, but exhibits every other trait described. She seems more like a spoilt brat who only things of herself which sometimes makes me wonder if she has narcissist tendencies.  Her sister most definitely shows signs of NPD so it makes me wonder too is it is possible to have traits of both. A question I will have for the counsellor on a future visit.

The most positive aspect I am finding of this board is that I can tell you all exactly what is happening and know that you completely get it, and completely understand. Thank you again for all your input! ( Heart ) I feel for those of you that have it even worse than we do. I feel like our situation is devastating so I can not even imagine it worse. My heart goes out to you all. 

I read a lot about how BPD can be genetic and her mom and sister are exactly the same. Her mother years ago had severed her husband from his family and now history is repeating itself.