BPD's role in affairs?

[nevergiveupever]

My first time posting here.  About two years ago, I found out my SO had had her first affair some twelve years prior, then more recently, two or three others, one of which was ongoing and with a guy in his early thirties (half her age).  Needless to say, in addition to heavy drug use, endless accusations, psychotic rage, emotional abuse, alcoholism and withdrawal from her entire family, my therapist (2 + years of therapy), hearing about this behavior and the fear and dread I was experiencing, strongly recommended I read the "Stop walking on Eggshells" book.  And there my SO was, with all nine paragraphs of symptoms, identifiable back some twenty years.  Our adult children (after countless toxic texts from her) refuse to even see her.  Of course, this is all my fault.  But reading this book was an eye opener.  Even her frequent use of the phrase "You're a robot" was right there in SWOE.  The discovery of these affairs was like being stabbed through the belly with a pitch fork.  "You abandoned me" she said.  She ignored the fact that she had left the family home, moved to another state, demanded I pay for everything (two homes), and then, when I'd go see her, she seemed torn.  Volatile, up, down, weeping, raging, threatening to call the police, divorce me, sue me, then repeat.  I'd leave the house, walk off outside after one of these psychotic breaks, and she'd keep screaming obscenities for another half hour, slamming doors, oblivious that no one was around.  Up until two years ago, I had no idea that as soon as I left (the state), she'd be with one (or two other guys).  There were hints.  When she was drunk (many nights) she'd say stuff-- scary stuff: hints, innuendo, put-downs, veiled comments about being attractive to other guys, and how keen they were to be around her.
I put this behavior down to PTSD from various past traumas, age, and more specifically, that her criticisms of me had to have some validity, that I had failed her in some terrible, but nebulous way, although I had never touched another woman in forty years, or even wanted to.  But as these behaviors escalated, as her mood swings increased, and she twisted facts around until she was pronouncing lies about everyone in her family "I have the family from hell"; "they all hate me"; "they won't even let me see my own grandchildren" (and forgets how she swears and rages in front of them)... .I began to realize this was something far more disturbing than a (very late) mid life crisis.  And that's about when my therapist started advising me to read SWOE.
Anyway, after this long rambling post, I have a question: with her hyper sensitivity to rejection, her extreme and rapid volatility, splitting and projection, does anyone here have any suggestions for how to handle sex?  When it's something she still offers occasionally, out of guilt perhaps, and alcohol, and desire for some form of intimacy, even as she dreads the vulnerability, and I, having a slew of images to try and put aside (she refuses to share anything about these affairs, even hiding the names of some of these guys), am torn in two: one part of me hoping this might restore some fragment of intimacy, even as another part of me is in shocked disbelief that I am in this situation with a woman who preached fidelity for decades, betrayed her own vows and beliefs, and yet seems to expect me to sweep the past under the table, and act as if none of that matters; my feelings are irrelevant, and I should just go with the here and now moment?  My therapist, as great as she is, is having a tough time giving me insight into navigating this minefield of the heart.  She confirmed my SO was struggling with BPD after meeting with her, and that it was extreme-- not mild, and that she had enormous anger from deep inner wounds from her father (deceased eight years ago).  Amazingly, I still love this woman, but I'm hoping to find that sequel to SWOE, called "Stay out of the minefields... ."

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[pearlsw]

Hi nevergiveupever,

It is indeed hard for a relationship to recover from an affair, but throw in BPD and multiple affairs and the challenges are that much bigger.

Have you talked with your therapist about how you feel about the affairs and what you would need to have disclosed (by your partner) to be able to move forward with her, if you so choose? Do you feel you could trust her? Do you want intimacy with her? Sexual intimacy is indeed a strong bond and can bring two people closer. Is this what you are hoping for with her again?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Enabler]

Amazingly, I still love this woman

I have my own reasons for still loving my W who has in essence been following the same rule book as your W (as many SO's here have as well). I'm interest to know, why you do?

There's compelling evidence and reasons for you to not love your W, not least the inability to be accountable for her infidelity. However, we both know it's not as simple as that.

True intimacy (and that includes sex among other things) is a 2 way transaction. My guess is that you know that you can fulfill 60% of that true intimacy gift to her but since some of that offering is full complete openness and trust, you can't give yourself to her completely... .likewise you doubt her ability to offer herself unreservedly to you... .which means the intimate sex is reduced to a bunk-up. That fulfills a physical need but doesn't invoke an emotional connection.

Nevergiveupever, you have a lot to offer the board, you've been through a lot and dealt with a lot of things, I'm really looking forward to how you've approached these problems and how you mentally cogitate them.

Enabler

[nevergiveupever]

My therapist has grilled me extensively on my feelings and hopes for this relationship, and what I'd want to have as minimal requirements to re-store an emotional connection (which seems to me to be essential for life-giving relationships).  One technique detailed in SWOE is mirroring.  This has already had some significant impact upon my understanding of our interactions.  But for us to get through one day without rage, threats of divorce, legal action or ridicule and condemnation... .Is a major achievement.  I ask myself everyday" "why am I enduring this pain and shame?  This humiliation and mockery?"  And I get the same answer every time: that "You am free to walk away, for good.  But if she commits suicide (threatened repeatedly) you and your adult kids will have to live with that for the rest of your lives."  Having had a close friend who also threatened that some years ago-- and did-- I know the hole it leaves inside.

With forty years behind us, and the first twenty five being wonderful... .I want to be there for her as she sinks into what may be her last journey.  I'd want someone to stick with me if I succumbed to Alzheimer's or dementia.  This may be a precursor, or it could be something else, but no one so far has given me much insight into this vital issue of physical intimacy and sex.  It IS a minefield-- for both of us-- which I am tottering through... .Blind folded, and I'm hoping someone in this community has reached the other side?

[Enabler]

So, to clarify, is this what you want to know?

How do I deal with providing 'intimate' sex (or the appearance of intimate sex) to my wife when she offers?

I am in a double-blind because if I refuse to have sex she will see it as a rejection (and she may commit suicide or other), yet I don't want to have sex with her until we resolve legacy issues that prevent me from wanting true intimacy with her (affairs, drinking, anger... .other BPD traits).

Our issues are being brushed under the carpet and I don't want this to continue in this way but I do not know how to address the huge issues in our current and historical relationship without triggering her to do more bad things.

Help me

Is this roughly what you need help with?

[nevergiveupever]

Yes, and getting to transparency.

[Enabler]

Where “Transparency” is:

”I don’t want sex with you tonight because ________. I still feel hurt by _______ and feel it stops me giving myself 100%”

You want to be able to express your feelings in an open way without triggering her?

[nevergiveupever]

Transparency means that and more.  It means opening up about deep inner feelings, and the choices and behaviors that have followed.  It means being honest about affairs-- even recognizing that denial or concealment, regardless of motive, is self-destructive.  Why do I want to risk sexual contact with someone who may be involved with someone else... .At the same time?

I don't want that.  My own feelings about human sexuality don't include having multiple partners, or even serial partners.  Sure, that was a fantasy I had in college, but never acted on.  It took decades for me to recognize that wasn't something I wanted.  It may be that BPD (in addition to other dysfunctions) is a mind/body perceptual disconnection that hides or masks our integrated perceptions and awareness of feelings, behaviors and memory, such that we live in one of more separated behavioral compartments; each one headed by an orphaned personality, struggling to re-integrate a fractured and divided persona into a whole.
It may also be true that I will never share such transparency with my partner again (as we did decades ago), and will have to live with whatever drips and dribbles of truth she is willing (and able) to reveal.  But my own lack of understanding in attempting to cross this minefield doesn't help at all.  Thank you for reading and responding.

[Enabler]

Honesty is going to be very challenging for her as you know. Suffering from BPD she has a natural allergy to guilt and shame, because negative emotions bring about emotional pain. It would appear that she had a lot to feel guilty about and her preference would be that this guilt and shame stay forgotten... .hidden under the rug.

Maybe she feels like these "mistakes" or "things" were just casual, not important or things that you drove her to do by some action/inaction so she's found a way to ensure there is nothing to answer for. There is no easy answer in how you would get her to come out and be completely naked with the truth such that everyone could move on... .in the same way that I am not sure you can rely on her word that these incidents will not happen again... .even with DBT therapy. Trust is very difficult to secure with someone whom has let you down so many times and so consistently. I guess the only way that you can trust her is to trust her on the reality you are in... .if that makes any sense. You know that she's prone to infidelity, you know that she's prone to deceit even by omission, which leaves you in a tricky position since you now can't trust her word or her sexual restraint. what metric can you trust her on, have you managed to get to the point of trusting that she loves you in her own special niche way?

[nevergiveupever]

Enabler... .Thank you for your response, questions and insights. 

For many years, these issues-- whether I understood them or not-- took center stage in my awareness.  There was little else that got my full attention.  That changed in 2003 when a series of experiences opened up perspectives within my soul that had previously been completely unknown to me.  This would have been unremarkable if I had led a life of indifference to the unseen, but by choice, interest and fascination, this has been my passion and focus for decades.

So to stumble and fall into realms I had never dreamed could be experienced by humans, I found myself inside a new and undiscovered realm-- within my own perceptions.  The shock of this was profound-- not to mention I was deeply humiliated that for all my looking and searching, I had found not even the shadow of a doorway.

It is these core encounters that have shifted my perspective sufficiently to realize I may never fully understand mental illness and the countless convolutions and distortions our "receivers" are subject to-- like BPD--

but I HAVE been lifted outside of our familiar perceptual worlds.  I am not referring to any sort of drug use; did not pursue or partake of strange rituals, or obsessive behaviors.  And f you had told me beforehand what was about to happen to me... .I would have said you were crazy... .  But now, it turns out those same experiences give me essential perspective to face the pain BPD behavior inflicts on me.  I may only be able to trust this present moment; may never again know what I thought I knew (but obviously didn't), and yet... .I also know I've been to a place, and will be there again, where it doesn't matter; where I float free; where I am known with a depth and transparency that transcends all earthly relationships.  Having (much to my amazement) experienced such unearned encounters... .They will come again, and my partner may yet find herself also immersed, thawed and melted into liberty and freedom.

[Enabler]

That changed in 2003 when a series of experiences opened up perspectives within my soul that had previously been completely unknown to me.  This would have been unremarkable if I had led a life of indifference to the unseen, but by choice, interest and fascination, this has been my passion and focus for decades.

Morning Nevergiveupever,

I'm not good with riddles, could you clarify what the experience was and how this is working in your life. Thanks

[nevergiveupever]

Hi there Enabler-- sorry for seeming riddle-like comments.  There are some things in life which cannot easily be described in words.  I spent five years writing out those specific events and experiences, but I don't think they have a lot of relevance here-- only so much to say my understanding of the complexity of human personality expanded dramatically.  BPD is a convenient way of categorizing and identifying a set of behaviors that exhibit a surprisingly consistent pattern.  Once that pattern is recognized as arising from internal perceptual issues, we can share notes, explore how non-BP's feel and cope, and what we can and cannot do to help.  I have found it very liberating to read and share with others involved with BP partners.  It doesn't "fix" them, nor do I grasp the depths from which BPD emanates, (and with what I've gone through in past years, those depths are immense), and then there are these deep emotional issues which others I'm sure, with more experience with BPD, will have more insight than me.

Thank you for reading!

[Enabler]

Hey nevergiveupever,

Love the name FWIW, it's my mantra... .but it's tough.

There's things we do for our own sanity... .to create a concrete platform with which to build our knowledge and self confidence on. Thinking about it this way, I grew up in a good household, I was told that I was good but sometimes I did bad things. I knew myself as good. That was a solid foundation I built on and became a well rounded adult. When I met my future W she began to chip away at this foundation, tell me I was bad... .why? Because she didn't have this foundation, she had a life built on quick-sand where her footing wasn't stable. Creating an inventry has allowed me to reconstruct my crumbling foundations, patch the holes and steel clad it. It's not only repaired, it's now defended with armor plating. That exercise wasn't about BPD, it was about me, re-establishing me, re-affirming me warts and all. THEN and ONLY THEN am I able to stand up to BPD.

Enabler