I feel totally lost now than I am free from my BPDm

[PeaceAndLoveNess]

Hello everyone,
hello to my beloved brother who discovered this website and told me about, I'm sure you will recognize me

I am supposed to go to work now, but this morning I don't feel good, like the 8 last month, so I decided not to ignore it once again, and see if someone can help me.

My brother and I have lived with a BPDm and an absent father.
Our mother has been beated by her father when she was little, and she did everything to cut relationship with her own family. Her father died when she was 22.

Since we are little, we have been taught that the world is dangereous, that people are manipulating us, that they are mean. In the end, we ended up with having no friends at all and the only place of safety in the world was the house with our mother and father.

In this "perfect safe world" at home, it was not that perfect... .
Indeed, our mother was the most important person of the family, if she was bad, if we said something bad, she was turning everyone bad. Most of the time, it was our father's fault. For example, if he was not supporting her "after everything she did for family", she was always coming to me the eldest sister, and was complaining about him in her back. So she turned me against my father everytime, then I was feeling bad for him because for me he was not bad at all, but if I said something like "i disagree with you", she would have told me that I was naive, and she would have go and talk to my brother, complaining about my father and me too saying that I was naive and stupid.

I always tried to have friends, but my mother was always juging them, when we had grades, I had to ask every friends their grades, and then I was telling it to my mother, so if a friend had a bad grade, she was somehow telling me that I should avoid this person. Or if someone had a better grade, she was making me jealous about this person, so I was ending up with lying about grades depending if I wanted to support the friend or not.

I hope it's clear, everything is a mess in my head and i'm french 

My brother is the most important perso for me in the entire world because we both have been through the same things and we support each other a lot.
But it was not always like this.

Until maybe 15 years old, my brother and I were not getting along well, because my brother was very very close to my mother, and always supporting her, and for me she was brainwashing him. I was always trying to have friends, to try to have a boyfriend, so my mother was telling that I was a naive girl that needs friends, that everyone was manipulating me and I didn't see. But my brother was perfection because he was always here for her, he was so strong that he had no friend, no one was manipulating him, not like me.
Because I was doing things " in parent's back" as she was saying. I had friends and we were making phone pranks after school, so "I was manipulated by my friends because I was so mentally weak that they made me do bad things"

I ended up with 0% of self confidence. At high shcool, I was blinking my eyes very fast so everyone was making fun at me. I saw a psychologist and she told us that "I was a parent to my parents" and it was too much for me, that's why I was having this tic.

Because the main problem, was that our mother was having a lot of troubles at work, everyone was "mean to her" so she ended up changing job maybe 15 times in her life, saying that other people were mean and stupid and that she deserved to meet better people (she almost had no diploma because of what happended to her when she was little). She always said she wanted us to have big diploma so we don't have to undego with stupid people just like her.

Every night, for dinner was the same things : I had to speak about my day at school, saying grades, jugging friends, then my brother, and then she was speaking about her day at work for 2hours, jugging every colleague etc, so we were trying to find solutions for her, we were only 10 years old and we had to be like adults for her, we bearly understood nothing she was saying because it was not for us (when she was saying that one girl was had sex with another colleague etc), but since little we had to be a parent for her.


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Another thing, is that we constantly lived with the fear that our mother could be against us. I mean, if we said something bad, for example one day I said "I go to see my brother's theatre at school, is it if I leave you alone here because you are sleeping ?" She said "OK", and then when I arrived at school and texted her, she was not answering anymore. Then after the theatre I wanted to call her so she can pick us up, and she told me she was not coming because she was devastated about what I said to her, I meant that she was lazy. For sure, she had already called my father at work to tell him about this.
In the end, she came to pick us up and she had that scary face in the car that I still have nightmare about.
At home, no one was talking to me anymore. My brother was secretly talking to me, we were shortly whispering in my bedroom and he was supporting me, but my father was telling me I was bad girl in front of my mother, and in her back, he was telling me "don't say this kind of things to her next time, you know she takes things too much personal"
Then I had to buy her a rose, and after 2 weeks, everything was forgotten and we went back to normal.
Problem is that we spent our all life in these kinds of circles. Sometimes it was my "brother's fault", or my father or me.
And everytime she was brainwashing the other ones.
For example, she told me very personal things about my father, she said about there sex problem, that my father can't have sex with her, so she feels like in lack of sex, they saw some therapist for this

The first time I had a boyfriend, she started to invite him at home a lot, she was always inviting him, so she can both have me and him at home, because she hated when I was not home, she hated when I was with my boyfriend so she was invinting him to control us, but she was like the perfect mother.
She even invited him in holiday, and "he did something bad", like he took the best bike for him and not giving it to my father, so she told me to leave him. And i did... .She was telling me he was manipulatin him, that he was flirting with her and I didnt see, that he was asking her money and I didnt see
After that I felt so stupid that I couldnt have boyfriend anymore
My brother even told me that my mom came to him one day, saying that I told her I had my first time sex with my boyfriend, that I said that I enjoyed and I was a whore.

I stayed from my 18 to now, i'm 23 without boyfriend because I was scared of going though all of this once again


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If I tell you everything like this, it's because today i'm totally lost.
I graduated with a big diploma last september, I moved from home and I even met my current boyfriend that I really loved (it was really hard for me to try something with him after what happend with my mum), I have a dog, I have a great job but I don't feel good at all
Moreover, one friend died in a fire at my school in last september, it was really hard to see the burrial and I got bit chocked because of it. Since then, I feel like i'm i a  dream. I feel like the life i'm in is not mine, that I'm in  coma somewhere and I'm dreaming everything that is happening

I see a psychotherapist and she helps me with feeling better, she helped me with taking distance with my family and to accept to have a boyfriend and live my own life. My mother took in really bad that I took some distance so she took anti depression pills, (just like my father for 20 years)

I have the feeling that I don't know who I am, I am always changing mood, opinions, I want to quit everything and go live in a forest 
When I read on internet, they say it's called derealization and I think it's exactly what I have. I don't feel connected to reality and I feel like no one can help me. Because i don't know if i feel like this as a drawback of my education, i feel free for once in life and I realize that the way I see life is not how my mother told me, I'm not stressed, I'm not scared of anyone else now, I love people, I don't feel manipulated and I know when to put limit
but i feel so different from the rest of the world, i feel like I can feel what people thinks, how they judge me just my watching their face, I feel like I could help everyone on this planet
I adopted a really really hard dog that was beated, she was really aggressive with people, dogs, etc and now it's getting better, but I'm exhausted
I feel exhausted as hell, I even did a burn out last month because i'm pushing myself too much at  work, I tood two weeks off but it's not enough

I feel like I would like to go in psychatric hospital and just to sleep for month or years I don't know, but I feel so disconnected from reality that I'm not scared of anything in the world, I feel like I could become CEO of my firm because I realized how smart I am, and I've always had 0% of confience in myself, but it's like if now I realized that I am the one who work that hard and good diploma from this big school, it's not thanks to my mother like she always said

But I don't feel good at all, I can't love my boyfriend because my heart is like a stone, and I feel like i'm not in life anymore, that maybe i'm in another dimension of the world, I feel like my brain is blocked, I can't remember my life before, I have to really concentrate like I did to write you all of this, but i can't remember things just like this.

First, I want someone to tell me if my education was normal or not, because my psy says we have some stockolm syndrome and as we havent been beated or anything, sometimes I feel like I said bull___ about my mum to my psy and she is not BPD, but when I write you everything, for me it's clear that it's not normal
SO I need someone than can tell me that what we have been through is not normal
And secondly, if my feeling is a drawback of this education, or it's because i'm discovering the world as it really is ?

Thank you very much, i'm really really sorry for this loong message but I have to go to work and I wanted to be as complete as possible, I hope someone will answer to me

Sincerely,

[Panda39]

Hi PeaceAndLoveNess,

Welcome to the BPD Family    I'm so glad your brother told you about us and you decided to jump right in and post.

There is so much that is familiar in your post.  I was so surprised when I first arrived here at how similar our stories can be.

I'm curious if you have done any reading about BPD at all?  When I first found out about BPD the first place I went was to the library.  I found getting a better understanding of what BPD is was a good first step for me.  It validated the things I was seeing, and helped me to see/understand some behaviors more clearly.

Some books you might find helpful... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger
 
Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr, M.A.

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth & Freda B. Friedman

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson
 
I also wanted to share information on the Karpman Triangle.  I see a lot of this in your story.  For me understanding what is going on behind the drama and chaos is really helpful, I hope this information is helpful for you too.
 
Karpman Triangle

The Karpman Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The roles are Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. We may start in one position, but as another (or others) shift around the triangle, so do we.

Link to more on the Karpman Triangle... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Do you see the different roles on the triangle and how your family have been moving around the triangle?  Once you are aware of and understand the triangle we can work on some ways to help you stay off it. 

Again Welcome   
Panda39

[Notwendy]

I can relate to your story. I hope to reassure you that you are a  strong person and have come so far to be on your own. Please trust in your ability to get where you want to be- feeling like a whole person who knows who they are. What you are feeling is a natural response to the family environment you grew up in, but now, as an adult, you can undo a lot of that. It just takes some time and some work.


Your story with your mother has some parallels to mine. For one, your mother has poor boundaries and she overstepped yours. I don't mean to say she did this on purpose- she has a mental disorder and her parents also had poor boundaries with her. I also think my mother was abused by a family member growing up. Your mother was doing all she knew to do. The great news is that you have the chance to break this cycle for yourself.

Parents with PD's see their children as extensions of themselves. They see their children as existing to make themselves feel better, not as individuals with their own feelings and ideas and goals. You feel as if you don't know who you are because of this. You haven't had the chance to fully know who you are--but you do now! and that is great!

I also thought the solution to my issues with BPD mom were to move far away from her. I chose a college that was a distance from home. I thought I would be happy finally to not be around her but I felt much like you. Many of my friends had boyfriends, but I just could not get that close to someone. I understand the feeling of feeling different- as if I was watching the world from some outside place. I recognized that feeling as early as 13. I worried there was something wrong with me but there is nothing wrong with me- or with you.

Please take heart that your future is bright. Like you, I did well in school and the degree meant that I could be financially independent from my parents. This is great. You were able to do this!  I know it is scary to be where you are. But you have already taken the step of independence. There is nothing wrong with you.

Psychotherapy is very important and so keep up with that.

You may not be ready for a boyfriend. That is OK. There may be some emotional work you need to do first but it will happen. Don't worry about this as you are very young. Focus on making friends for now- and at one point you will meet someone you like. It is a good thing to be single and work on yourself for the time being.

Some work involves inner child work. You may not have been able to "be a child". As adults, we really can't act like kids, but we can do things children enjoy- like painting, doing things outdoors, seeing a movie. These activities help us to fill in some emotional gaps- they are harmless and it is OK to do them. You may find you really enjoy drawing, or dance, or playing a sport, or musical instrument- you may not have been able to fully explore your interests as a child, but you can do this now.

You've done a lot at 23. Don't be discouraged if you haven't done it all by now. You will.

[PeaceAndLoveNess]

Thank you very much for your answer, I red it during work and it helped me a lot
I feel relieved now that I discovered this forum.

Just to add some context, my brother posted a message on the forum : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326694.0

I didn't read his message before writting mine, but I am really glad to see that we get along with the same story about our mother. I think he is one step further me because he really accepted that our mother has a BPD. He is the one who discovered it, I'm really impressed by all the work he did on himself now, he already red a lot of books on the subject.

For my side, as I am not home anymore, I feel like every memory is blocked in my head, and that's how sometimes I feel like our mother hasn't got BPD, and that's why, Panda39 I didn't manage to read any book on the subject. But maybe as you say, this could help me to "validate" this theory.
My problem is that I almost don't have time for myself, I wake up at 5h30, I am at work 43h per week, 15h more in traffic, and the rest of my time I have to take care of my dog, bills, housecleaning, cooking food etc
That's how I ended up doing a burn-out last month, because I asked to get more responsabilities at work (to fill my mind thinking about something else, because I do ruminate a lot), and in the end it was too much for me.
But I will push myself and read these books, I can't ask for other people to do this job for me. 

Notwendy, I can't thank you enough for your very encouraging message. I have been through the exact same thing, and I think that none of us on this forum had the opportunity to be a child.
You and I put everything in school, but now that it finished I think I opened my eyes and saw that I have to face the reality instead of putting everything into work, just like I did for school.

Another thing we didn't mention with my brother, is that when we were 12 and 10, a common friend we had, had a cancer and died before her 10 years old. We have been really traumatised by this event.
In the same year, our father had cancer and our mother got really scared that he could die and let us alone "without money" as she always worries about this. He survived but we really felt like the world was against us with all these terrible things.

When we were 18 and 16, our mother got a pneumonia and almost died, so we supported her, but once again it was like the world could explode tomorrow, and I think all these things with death pushed us to trust our mother a lot.

Another thing, my friend at school died in a fire, and what my mother told me "he died because he lied to his parents saying everything was ok in school" -but like in any engineering school there was a lot of problems with alcolhol and he didnt mention it to his parents, like I did-), and that got me really crazy to hear her saying such a thing.


I have been to my psychoterapist this afternoon, telling her I feel so much exhausted about all of that, that I would love to go in psychiatric center and just sleep, but she didn't appreciate (for sure!), I told her I need someone to tell me clearly that I have been abused, I need some kind of doctor to validate this, but she doesn't understand, and told me to move forward instead of overthinking about this.
She is right in this way, I think I should stop trying to look back to my past, and start to plan my future.
I dont know why I need this validation

And lastly, I sent this post to my current boyfriend, (who is amazing   )  and have been through almost the same thing in life. I got scared of his reaction because I never told him all of this in details.
But guess who was at my place waiting for me tonight , to speak and support me  
I feel really lucky that I found him. It's not like the first guy I could have dated, I met a lot of guys this previous years but I think I needed someone that had to fight in life, and what I love in our relationship is that we support each other for good and we talk a lot even if we are not from the same country. I told my mother briefly about him without giving her more details, for the moment she is ok with the ideadthat I have a boyfriend.
He is really amazing, so I woud like to thank you and say that it's some kind of angel that was sent from paradise (on Badoo!)

I am really happy to say that I feel free from my mother now, I don't care of what she could think or say, and I can't wait for my brother to leave home as soon as possible.
I remember all this fear we had, all the time I spent scanning her face to see how she was going, this asked me so much energy and stress (I lived with a functionnal colopathie, having pain i my belt during 5 years) and now I feel free from all of this, but exhausted.
I hope my brother will end his school soon so he can feel free just like me

Thank you again for reading my long messages, and thank you for your answers.

[Panda39]

I have been to my psychoterapist this afternoon, telling her I feel so much exhausted about all of that, that I would love to go in psychiatric center and just sleep, but she didn't appreciate (for sure!), I told her I need someone to tell me clearly that I have been abused, I need some kind of doctor to validate this, but she doesn't understand, and told me to move forward instead of overthinking about this.

I can totally understand your exhaustion it is really hard to process all this stuff and it can be emotionally draining.  This is a journey and there will be ups and downs.  Taking the day off today was doing something good for you, try and do more of that.  Self care is important, it doesn't have to be a whole day off but try and build in some down time for yourself... .take care of you. 

I'm not a doctor but based on what you've told us here you have been emotionally abused, as many here have been.  Some children of BPD parents like my boyfriend's daughter have PTSD.  Below is the "Power and Control Wheel" (you can Google it to get a bigger image).  I hear your story in the right half of the wheel.



I understand that your Therapist doesn't want you being stuck in the past but sometimes we have to look back to move forward.  In my opinion, (and no I'm not a Therapist  I think it is important that you process your past. Be aware though that these kinds of journeys aren't always in a straight line.

I think it's great that you and your brother are here together, working on this together, and healing together.  Each of you will do this at your own pace in your own way, but doing it together you will speak the same language.

And lastly, I sent this post to my current boyfriend, (who is amazing   )  and have been through almost the same thing in life. I got scared of his reaction because I never told him all of this in details.
But guess who was at my place waiting for me tonight , to speak and support me  
I feel really lucky that I found him.

I'm glad to hear your boyfriend is so supportive, he sounds like a keeper 

Panda39