Mitigating the damage of silence towards our children

[walkinthepark247]

Some of you may know my story. I’ve been on this site for nearly a year now. Overall, my spouse has dramatically reduced the violence through therapy. We have two kids (2.5 and 5). She has never once admitted BPD or BPD traits and would ardently argue that YOU are the one with BPD. But, I learned the lesson the hard way about bringing up therapy or BPD. To answer the other posts recently, no!, there is no “cure” for BPD traits. It’s a lot of work. Years of work for some. That’s for another post…

My wife has two coping mechanisms if she is upset: Rages and Absolute Silence. For the rage, I just try to move myself and the kids away from her. I feel like a bouncer when that happens. Recently, it has been more often that she goes into her self-loathing silent periods. These are equally as harmful for me and especially the kids. Let me tell you a bizarre story that is pretty characteristic of this phase. We recently went to Disney World. Our kids were having a blast. At one point, my wife thought that I somehow disrespected her therapist. I don’t even know where to begin on that. But, she went silent for a couple of days during the trip. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when we passed under the sign proclaiming DW to be the “Happiest place on earth”. <It’s ok to laugh at our bizarre situations at times>

When she goes silent, you can feel the self-loathing and anger in the air. No amount of apologizing or attempting to deflect can help. I have just learned that you must ride out these long periods of silence. As I told our previous marriage counselor (terrible experience) she goes catatonic when she cannot handle her emotions and self-loathing. She makes eye contact only with the ground or some space on a wall over/behind your head. Now, I have learned to cope with this somewhat, but, what about the effect it is having on our kids? This post very much belongs in the relationship section because my D5 will often ask “why isn’t mommy talking to me?” or “why isn’t mommy answering me?”. This all happens right in front of my spouse. So, I must respond. I won't also ignore our kids. It happened again this past weekend while we were in the car. My spouse hadn’t talked all morning long. Sat silent and staring at a point on the floor. My D5 was trying to talk to her mother. She kept calling out “mommy, why aren’t you answering me.”. This is where all of the BPD-lingo acronyms go out the window, IMHO. You must respond for the safety and emotional health of your kids. This past weekend, I simply said “your mother is ignoring you, which is very rude behavior.” Let’s be brutally honest with ourselves, this type of behavior is rude / bizarre / weird / antisocial / strange. As a parent, my biggest hope for my kids is that they are surrounded by loving people and relationships long after they move out of my house or after I am gone. I want them to deeply connect with other humans. This type of behavior is a completely UNACCEPTABLE coping mechanism. It is abnormal. More importantly, how does being outright ignored by your parent effect you as a child?  Even in better times, I have tried to gingerly raise this concern my spouse when things are calm and no children are present. The response is always the go-to rephrase of “you think I’m a $%# mother!”, which is usually followed by more silence. The other day, I witnessed our D5 following her mother around trying to get her attention and show her something she was proud of. My spouse turned her back in silence and walked away. D5 started to follow her pleading with her to see this thing she had created. That is so fundamentally messed up!

Has anyone else experienced this? Any pointers for appropriately addressing this? How would you answer the question posed to me in the car of "why is mommy ignoring me"?

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[isilme]

I experienced it from the point of the child.  But both my parents had BPD, so by age 5 I'd mostly learned to read the signs and be quiet if they were acting a certain way.  I just got better at spotting it and navigating it as I got older.

Dad was the more likely to pull the silent treatment game.  Honestly, I just left him be at that point, as it was like poking a tiger - leave him alone, in the dark, for as long as he needs, and he may not start raging, throwing, hitting again.  If it was in the car, I'd established a safety of sorts - I started carrying a purse most places by about age 10, and I always kept a book in there, even one Id read before.  I could look in the book, even if I was listening to them, trying to read THEM, not the book, to figure out what was going on, what was the cause if the current upset, and how welcome any reminder I existed would be. 

As for your kids, I'd have to take them aside and find age-appropriate ways to say, "let's all leave mommy alone right now, she is not feeling well?  Happy?"  Someone with kids help me out? 

The biggest in my opinion to communicate is that 1 - mommy will get like this - it is NOT the child's fault.  2 - while the child can try to cheer mommy up, it's not their job to make mommy happy, only mommy can choose to be happy. 

I grew up with a lot of feeling that mom (and dad's) mental and physical health was my job to manage.  I even thought killing myself starting about age 8-10 would make them happy, as I must be the cause of their sadness.  If only I was a better kid, they'd fight less.  If only I did not require clothes and supplies for school or dare to want toys, they'd not have money trouble.  I talked my dad out of suicide (he locked himself in a bathroom, threatening to slash his wrists.  mom stood outside laughing, daring him to do it) about that age, learned what it is, and at least one method to do it.  At 14, I did the same when he locked himself in the garage with both cars running. 

Anyway - your kids don't need to feel it's their job to make mommy not stare off into space when she can't manage.  They are kids.  Be kind, loving to them, and let them know that sometimes grownups just feel bad inside and need time to get to feeling better.  It's not something they need to worry about.  If you take them to Sunday school they can be encouraged to pray about it maybe - that might make them feel they are helping. 

As for your W, this is a poor coping mechanism she has, it's not uncommon for BPD, and yes, when H does it I see he is trying to sort through the mess inside him, and he is making an effort to not rage, even if he still feels that upset.  So if possible, just give her space, feel less tense about it.  It's not YOUR job to manage, either. 

[walkinthepark247]

Isilme,

Thank you for your response. I have often appreciated your insight into growing up with a BPD parent. Your analysis is extremely helpful.

I used to talk to my therapist a great deal about this. Perhaps I am putting too much pressure on myself to control the situation. However, I do very much want my kids to be in loving relationships with others. They often see their mother push others away.