BPD silent treatment for a whole month out of the blue then breakup.

[mraa90]

I have been going to my favorite coffee shop for over a year. I'm friends with everyone that worked, and everyone is always nice to me. Some girl started working after I became a regular at that spot. Earlier this year, she got closer and closer to me. She even asked if I wanted to visit her more and told me when she worked. She asked me out and then after 2 weeks I told her how I felt because I was madly in love with her because I knew her for a couple of months but never made my move, I just went for the coffee to see her. I took her out on dates and made sure I treated her like a princess. Comfort her, open the car door for her and told her that I want to make everyday special for her. She was honest with me and told me she's "Emotionally unstable" I knew she was suffering from anxiety and depression and had to see her therapist twice a week. She always told me how she is a victim of her parents, co-workers, friends, etc-. The first couple of weeks she gave me the silent treatment for a day when I visited her and her face looked like someone insulted her. She had no emotions. I couldn't sleep that day and had to see her in the morning to make sure she's okay. I myself have anxiety and depression problems for a long time but know how to control it. She apologized and things went fine again and told me that she's thankful to have me and she didn't mean to scare me. She talked about future plans and asked if my parents would like her. I knew she wanted to be with me.

Weeks later, her interest dropped and wasn't happy to see me walk through the door as she worked. One day I was sitting doing work for school waiting for her to finish work, and she left without saying anything and when I texted her, she said she got sick and left. 4 days after that, we went on the last date and it was perfect. She told me that I made her feel hope again in life after she stopped feeling it for a long time. 1 week later she postpones the date, the week after two people got "sick" and had to stay overtime and told me she doesn't want me to think she's doing it on purpose. After that text, she went silent for a whole month and I was too scared to visit. After I couldn't take it I went to see her and she told me that she didn't want anything from us dating and she couldn't do it and told me that she wanted to do see if we're good for each other. Just recently I have discovered she dropped her old best friend with no explanation and her friend who recently stopped working with her. She dropped us all with no explanation at all.

My question is, why ask about my parents, set plans for the future, and tell me that she appreciates having me in her life and then in 1 day she changes her mind? I slept into depression and suffered for months, and to this day, 3 months later I still think about her every day.

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[pearlsw]

Hi mraa90,

So you were just starting off with someone and then she suddenly cut you out of her life?

I think there are many other members who can answer this more eloquently than I, but basically it's about emotional regulation. In one instant we are idealized, in another devalued. My SO is very black and white in his thinking, and what this has looked like in terms of a relationship has been very extreme. He loves or hates me it seems.

In your case, she had some genuine interest, and then she focused on her doubts. It sounds like she may have other stressors in her life. Perhaps her job or family issues? What do you think?

How are you managing with your depression now? In terms of thinking about her everyday what are the outstanding questions and thoughts you are having? Are you at a point of wanting to detach or do you think there is a chance to reverse things?

with compassion, pearl.

[mraa90]

I still love her, but I can't believe she abused me with that silent treatment. I understand it's a mental illness and she is suffering from it. I'm not trying to be selfish or anything. I made sure that I was there for her every day and she liked having me by her side. She told me it meant so much more to her than I could ever imagine. What changed that all of a sudden? Last time we were together she was opening up about things her mom does like ignoring her or taking her money without telling her. She was so honest and I could tell she wanted me in her life because she was opening up about really deep and personal things.

[pearlsw]

I still love her, but I can't believe she abused me with that silent treatment. I understand it's a mental illness and she is suffering from it. I'm not trying to be selfish or anything. I made sure that I was there for her every day and she liked having me by her side. She told me it meant so much more to her than I could ever imagine. What changed that all of a sudden? Last time we were together she was opening up about things her mom does like ignoring her or taking her money without telling her. She was so honest and I could tell she wanted me in her life because she was opening up about really deep and personal things.

Hi mraa90,

It's hard to say really. Maybe she felt very vulnerable to you? People with abandonment issues have a tendency to push away so they can avoid the pain of us rejecting them. It is not a logical thing and I know how hard it is because you, like most of us, want to keep applying logic to the situation.

People with these issues have emotions that can change very rapidly. It is sudden, shocking, and painful for those of us on the receiving end of such treatment. It does take some time to get your mind around this stuff!

Does she have a typically difficult relationship with her mom? Do you know much about her relationship/dating history?

I imagine she genuinely liked you. I understand why it is hard to doubt this and how much it hurts. What is hard now is that for some reason, we may never know, she seems to not be able to have you in her life.

take care, pearl.

[mraa90]

She told me her ex left her because he wanted to eventually get married and have kids. And her experience with her parents' marriage is not positive. She told me her dad verbally abused her and she's actually happy he's dead. She hated the fact that her mom never stood up for her in those situations. I was okay with not getting married or having kids because all I wanted was her. 2 weeks after I told her I'm okay with it and she felt happy about it. She decided I'm not the one for her. Also, she told me her mom spends a lot of money and careless when it comes to spending. Also takes from her money without telling her. And that she tried to do things with her mom but would always shut her down.

[pearlsw]

Hi mraa90,

How long were the two of you dating for? Were you dating exclusively? Does she live with her parents?

Did you feel the two of you got along well? Want to tell us more about your relationship history as well?

take care, pearl.

[mraa90]

I have known her since last July but only talked to her in December of 2017. After that, she asked me out after seeing her every day at work. We dated for about two months but saw each other almost every day. We both opened up to each other really fast and that was my mistake that's why I'm suffering right now. I thought it was a sign that she was serious about us. I know two months is nothing compared to other stories, but I myself have problems with being alone. I have been like this until I met her at the age of 24. She made me feel like I'm the one for her within a short period of time. I heard it's called love bombing and all that idealization phase - Devaluation and discard. Because eventually, she went from telling me how much she loves having me to mental abuse of silent treatment for a whole month and then discarded me.

[RomanticFool]

Hi mraa90,

I'm sorry you are suffering but I'd like to welcome you to these boards and tell you that you are among people who understand what you are going through.

Many of us have had relationships with people who have BPD or BPD traits and your story certainly sounds very familiar to me. My ex would often visit Silent Treatment upon me and would sometimes go months without speaking.

As pearlsw has said, what is behind this behaviour is a terrible, deep rooted fear of abandonment. Sometimes these behaviours from the person struggling with BPD or BPD traits are impulsive, irrational and without any foundation in anything their Significant Other has done. It is often simply a reflex aimed at avoiding pain. It can be part of the pathology of the disordered personality that when they feel a person getting too close they push away because they cannot cope with emotions it evokes in them. My ex would always pull away after we had a wonderful day together. As if the emotions of the experience were so extreme that she couldn't cope and had to shut them down.

I think it is significant that you suffer from similar emotional issues as your partner did. I was told on these boards that we are attracted to our emotional equals.

Are you looking after yourself properly? Are you getting support from anybody in your life? It is important to take care of ourselves when we are experiencing the pain of detachment. Let us know how you are doing and what steps you are taking for self care.

RF

[pearlsw]

I have known her since last July but only talked to her in December of 2017. After that, she asked me out after seeing her every day at work. We dated for about two months but saw each other almost every day. We both opened up to each other really fast and that was my mistake that's why I'm suffering right now. I thought it was a sign that she was serious about us. I know two months is nothing compared to other stories, but I myself have problems with being alone. I have been like this until I met her at the age of 24. She made me feel like I'm the one for her within a short period of time. I heard it's called love bombing and all that idealization phase - Devaluation and discard. Because eventually, she went from telling me how much she loves having me to mental abuse of silent treatment for a whole month and then discarded me.

Hi mraa80,

No need to apologize for the length of time. Both short and long involvements can bring us a lot of pain. It is important to make sense of such things so we can try to find some inner peace.

May I ask, why you do think you have problems with being alone? What is that about?

Were you/are you looking for a serious relationship?

Hopefully others will join us here and share their experiences and insights as well!

wishing you peace, pearl.

p.s. Thanks Romantic Fool for sharing these important insights!

[mraa90]

Just a few weeks before I met her, I had made peace with being alone. Then she came along and I still remember, she asked me why did you change your mind. I told her that I felt she's special and perfect for me. It made her feel happy that I said that, then she said I need you to know that I'm emotionally unstable. Back then I thought she meant her depression, I didn't know there is more to it. Turns out she is able to love and hate within a short period of time. I felt the hate the last couple of weeks. Avoiding me, her face subtly angry at me. I'm decent at reading people and I can promise you that it's like some turmoil inside her when she last saw me. No mercy at all, even when I told her I loved her, she said you only loved what you saw and not the whole thing. And that she doesn't want to do it anymore.

[pearlsw]

No mercy at all, even when I told her I loved her, she said you only loved what you saw and not the whole thing. And that she doesn't want to do it anymore.

Hi again, 

Wanted to share this as it may also provide some answers: Behaviors: How it Feels to Have BPD

Also be sure to check out the lessons to the right here: 

best wishes, pearl.