Why the silent treatment?

[mraa90]

How could a person go from appreciating having you in their lives to ignoring you like that? Things were fine and this girl I dated wanted more of the relationship and we had future plans. After telling me how much I meant to her she suddenly stopped answering my calls and texts and no closure just to tell me when I finally went to see her of 1 month of torture she doesn't want anything with me anymore.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi mraa90,

I agree, and I'm sure many members do as well, the silent treatment is awful. I got it for a month and a half at one point. But it can be for shorter periods of time as well. I guess it depends on the context... .Sometimes it is about punishing us (during/after fights), or it is just a way to completely get away from emotional pain and it can last longer - be a discard really.

I had a boyfriend once who in the span of a week went from telling me "I'll never, ever break up with you!" (because he "loved me so much" to suddenly breaking u with me and never talking to me again. It gets worse. A mutual friend of ours died and I next saw him at a funeral. It was all so painful. Anyway... .sometimes we don't get answers from folks. But, you do have us here and we can talk to you all you like about the pain of coping with such things and doing our best, given all the learning materials on the site here, to share what we think may have happened.

It is not easy to find closure in such situations, but over on the Detaching board you may also find a lot of insights.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[braveSun]

Hey mraa90   

I'm so sorry that you are going through this difficult patch. It is hard when we want the relationship to work and the other person is stopping communication and not telling us what's going on. Kind of goes against the grain. With pwBPD things can go like that. If the relationship is ending, than yeah, it sucks to have no closure. I get it.

In times like this it is important to take the one step you have most control over.

Maybe you can give yourself closure on the relationship. One of the things I have found important for me is to check on my feelings often, and to let myself grieve. To do nice things for myself as much as I can. Talk to friends, visit family, go for a walk, take on a new hobby, get busy with something that feels meaningful.

Any thoughts?

[mraa90]

I got closure, but I can tell it’s not the real reason. But it’s better than nothing. She said that she wasn’t serious about it and that it didn’t work out for her. I know that it’s probably her splitting me black. She have always talked about the future with me, and how she wanted us to be together but not get married and we both agreed. She also asked if my parents would like her if they met her. And how her grandmother would love to meet me.

[braveSun]

Am I understanding that she was interested in the relationship, than stopped communicating with you, and than told you it was not working for her?

[braveSun]

mraa90, I don't know if this going to help. I read your posts, on the other board as well.

For one thing, it's kinda hard to stay in a relationship all by yourself. If she did decide that she cannot do it, than the onus is on you to accept that.

On the other hand, you are understanding that she very well might be coming back later, as you know she has these cycles. You might feel some good hopes. How do you think you would feel if she does come back, than does it again? With pwBPD, it's most likely that they will recycle several times.

I also read that you mentioned that you have a difficult time being alone. How could you approach this situation a bit proactively, to help mitigate how it's being affecting you so far?

See, talking about the future together is something that's touching our hearts. Probably for the pwBPD just as well. Only their feelings can change very quickly. Say you would wait for her to come back, how would you manage?

[mraa90]

Things were going fine, and her leaving was out of the blue. Also, she looked angry every time I saw her. It's not her normal at all. I think I was split black and was the bad guy in her head. Her friend told me that she's overwhelmed with emotions and stuff. I don't think her friend knows as much as I do, because she told me more about how she felt inside her. She really trusted me at some point and then all of a sudden, she left. I can tell she was mad at me, because she gave me the silent treatment for a month.

[braveSun]

Things were going fine, and her leaving was out of the blue. Also, she looked angry every time I saw her. ... She really trusted me at some point and then all of a sudden, she left. I can tell she was mad at me, because she gave me the silent treatment for a month.

  I'm sorry this happened, mraa90!...  

[CryWolf]

In my case it was power and control. I told her in the beginning I hated being ignored. She took that and used it against me.

[childhoodgone]

In my case it was power and control. I told her in the beginning I hated being ignored. She took that and used it against me.

I can confirm, my BPDgf has a 7th sense for every weakness I may have, and she attacks exactly on that weakness.

It is like she constantly searches for wounds, and when she sees a wound, there she inserts there a very burning knife.

It's malefical, it's impulsive, and they feel superior when they have the opportunity to hurt you significantly.

I understood unfortunately much too late, how very proud my BPDgf was that she bullied her girl colleague in highschool
until she committed suicide.

On one of the first dates, she took me to her grave and presented it as something significant, she was actually
happy that she succesfully bullied her into suicide