He only breaks his NC to discuss bills

[blackorchid]

Hi my boyf showed the signs of disregulating exactly one month ago... .fully blew on June 30th when he left me and moved all his stuff out.  He has blocked me on all social media and phones. He unblocks me on whatsapp just to tell me that a bill is due paying, eg he unblocked me today at 11am to say dont forget to pay the internet by July 20th. I was working so didnt reply, but was watching he left me unblocked... .until around 2pm when I was blocked again... .if he does this again what shall I do? TIA

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi blackorchid,

Sorry to hear about this, but thank you for the update. Is he living in another city far away from you?

It sounds to me like you are a bit stuck. I would not block him if you want to hear from him. He is going to do what he wants on this topic. He may go back and forth. At this point in time he seems to want to push you away and he is doing so. I know how painful, difficult, and confusing this is because in a "normal" relationship you might have a shot (or more) at talking this all over and perhaps reaching a compromise. People with these severe emotional issues tend to push us away pretty hard, then at some point later they may or may not soften.

To the best of your knowledge has he established a new household for himself? Or he's temporarily living with family? All of his stuff is gone now, and other than the bills he no reason to contact you?

Hopefully others will join us and share their insights on how to manage at these extremely difficult and confusing times.

with compassion, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Hi blackorchid,

Just checking in again. I know these are the hardest days - when they go and they start to behave so differently like this. When we have all this love, but no way to talk things over because they push us away. Hope you are okay!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[blackorchid]

Thank you so much Pearl.

Other than bills or potentially our dog (?) he has no reason to contact me.

He has moved to the next tourist town about 25 mins away. From what I have gleamed from his friends he is being put up by the hotel and living there. Which I’m sure is going nothing to help bring him back to baseline as he’s living a holiday kind of life now I guesss... .

[pearlsw]

Hi blackorchid,

Oh, I am so sorry! I know this is not what you want to have happening. I have been in that place of still being so in love and not knowing what the future will be out ahead of me! Shoot!

Are you okay in terms of housing, bills, food, and work? Do you have others there to support you? I imagine the weather is so nice... .Are you able to get out? Are you eating enough? Please remember to eat if you are not!   (I know how bad love stress can be!)

How are you feeling today?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[blackorchid]

Hey Pearl


That’s kind of why I feel so disappointed in him. I’m a private tutor. During term time I can earn a lot. But the summer holidays can be hit and miss. We were so happy that he got his job as it took the pressure off me. I have no idea how I’m going to get there rent together as we pay quarterly. And it’s due in 2 weeks. I’m holding out till Monday I think and then I’m going to get in touch with the landlord to see if I can not pay quarterly this quarter or something. If that makes sense.

People are trying to tell me that he’s planned this. Stayed with me while unemployed using me and now as soon as he gets a job he goes. I get where there coming from. But as bar last year, he does this at the same time almost to the year every year I’m hoping it’s not that. And it’s just a dysregulation. Just a (!).

Last week tbh I wasn’t coping. With eating sleeping or anything. But my mum came on Wednesday for her summer holiday so that’s a distraction now.  The weather is just too hot. Hopefully we can hit the beach this weekend. I have yet to go this year.

I feel like too many people have been getting involved this time and making it worse. The friend who came to stay for the 12 days keeps messaging me but creeping me out. I mentioned it to a friend. Who mentioned it to her husband. Who called me and asked why I hadn’t told my Partner (he’s one of his best friends) I said I couldn’t as he’s not talking to me. He called him to tell him. Of course he didn’t believe it. Said I was lying. And I’m sure that’s set him more behind in self soothing. The other friend won’t relent and keeps telling me he’s telling him he’s made a mistake and needs to return to me. Despite me constantly telling him not to get involved.

Puls whatever the hell the family is saying. I don’t know if I need to reach out to them. To show him that I do treat his family well. Basically as you can see my head is all over the place 

But thank you again for being so kind

[SunandMoon]

Hi blackorchid

I've read your posts and I'm sorry you are in such a uncertain situation right now. I'm an expat too, so I understand how lonely and isolated it can feel when your partner flips out.

It's definitely harder when other people get involved - especially family! And now with him having a new job and accommodation provided, it makes it easy for him to discard you. I'm sorry - it must be very painful 

Are you in that country just to be with him? I mean, would you stay there regardless or are you there because it's your partner's home country?

If this is the end, would you stay there or go home (or even go somewhere else interesting)?

I know you probably want to stay where you are and give him time to calm down and come back... .that's what I would do too. But you do need to start thinking of alternatives, just in case. What would you do if it really is over?

In the short term, can you borrow some money to pay the lease for another quarter?

[blackorchid]

Thank you SunandMoon

Yes I’m just here because of him. I don’t think I would have picked here otherwise. I have made a little business for myself here. So I could stay. Much more easily once schools start. But I’m starting to wonder if I want to. And if there’s any point. As much as I obv love him is there any point in staying here to be treated like this again and again.

I’m sorry to hear that this happens to you as an expat too. It’s so isolating isn’t it?

I know what you mean about it being easier to discard me due to the job accomadation etc you don’t need to apologize. I have already thought it myself. He has no reason to miss me or to return at the moment. Maybe when the season ends. But who knows.

It’s infuriating me more than anything and I’m finding it harder to dispute people when they say he obv doesn’t love you. Tonight on instagram a friend sent a new post he out of him with a new “friend” from work who looks literally about 12. He is making a fool out of himself and also me. And the sensible part of me sees that that’s just not right... .

[SunandMoon]

Thanks blackorchid

You said your mum is there at the moment? What does she think of all this? I'm glad she is there to be with you.

It's good to get angry. You're right... .and this is no way to treat you after 7 years together.

Just hypothetically - what would happen if you contacted him and said you can't pay the lease and you don't want to because you're considering going back to England. The lease is in his name, so he would have to take responsibility. I'm not saying to do that... .just musing on how you think he would react?

I hope you've got to the beach and have enjoyed some time with your mum!