They cant be alone so they embed the love hook to ensure stability

[Cromwell]

Somewhat following the same theme of my other topic "they brainwash us to never leave"

One of the biggest fears my ex told me was her inability to ever be alone.

If I was in her position, maybe I would also feel the need to use "love" as a hook to keep the target in for stability.

many, including myself, feel a sense of bewilderment of "what happened to all that love?" when overnight, it seems like it just vanished - as if it never existed in the first place.

Or do you believe you were genuinely loved at the time, its just that it changed due to BPD emotional lability?

my belief is that it was just a strategy of desperation to ensure I stuck around. It is the most powerful staying power hook after all, people will endure for love far more than they would tolerate otherwise.

[BeagleGirl]

my belief is that it was just a strategy of desperation to ensure I stuck around. It is the most powerful staying power hook after all, people will endure for love far more than they would tolerate otherwise.

Cromwell,
This is an interesting thought, but if I start to pick it apart a bit I see one big gap in the theory.  If "love" was the means by which they ensured stability, why would they ever remove it?

Putting that gap (in the theory or my understanding of your premise) aside, I can see where the fear of being alone would lead to quick rebounds and recycle attempts.  I can also see where it could lead to cheating when they start to feel like your love may be waning.  I can see where it would drive them to look for commitments earlier in the relationship. 

So what did the "love hook" you experienced look like?

[Husband321]

I think they use many hooks other than love.

Amazing sex.  Words about how amazing you are.  Soulmate. Twin flame. Constant future promises. Pregnancy. Tattoos. Money. . Etc.

I believe the love is real, but an empty form. More like as you describe, they love you so much and passionately because they need you around so they aren't alone. And you make them feel good.

A couple points.

I liken their love to how a child desperately wants and needs a certain toy. My 5 yr old wanted to give away every toy he has just to get this new one. Once he got the toy, he played with it for a while, became bored, wanted a different toy. Yes he loved the toy for a bit. But he isn't capable of loving that one toy forever.

He also wanted a dog until he realized he would have to walk it. Feed it. Pick up the poop.  Train it etc. Then it didn't seem like such a good idea. Similar to how the BPD doesn't have the want to take care of you and your needs.

I would also say they are notorious for no longer wanting what they finally get.  Living together.  Engagement. Marriage.  :)ream house. After each step forward they take 2 back.  I think the fantasy for them is far better than the reality when they see you are not perfect and also have needs.

[Cromwell]

Some insightful replies,

BeagleGirl, i think the theory is quite strong backed up my own experience, I was never discarded, still havent been, in her words she wanted to be "together forever", which at the time I took - primae facie - a deep harbouring of romantic feelings. Yet, the impulsivity to triangulate is something she had ingrained as habit and thats what she couldnt restrain herself from. Once someone has cheated, it doesnt matter how much regret afterwards, that bond and that trust is permanently (for me at least) severed. My ex was 15 years younger, I was 'competing' with 20 year olds, it was in hindsight an impossible relationship regardless of adding BPD to the mix. The love hook was exactly as you have outlined, idolised, infactuated, then at the height of everything going well, painted black temporarily, cheated on, then running right back for a recycle after regret kicks in. It happened 3 months in where she never got to know me properly, the remaining 2.5 years she realised more what she had gambled away but for me it was too late, even I stayed which was uncharacteristic, when she acted up I split up, went elsewhere, and it was like I had activated the "pull love magnet" to ultra high setting each time I did. Probably because I showed her that despite my strong feelings, reliability, kindness and over time, caretaking prowess - she eventually took me for granted and thought I needed her more than the converse. When I left, it was a reminder that she wasnt the absolute centre of the universe. Yet doing so, forced her I guess to seek out triangulating and adding to a support network. Its the typical catch22 that develops that ive read here time and time again. But "inability to be alone" is something that is significant that she told me herself but I underestimated just how strong it is until ive read more into it.

the loving you until they have you, makes a lot of sense husband123, I felt that I was taken for granted until I made efforts to leave, then I was loved all over again. I do feel to use the toy analogy, discarded momentarily for something new, the new one is evaluated and realise its not as good, so go back to try and fix the one that was thrown angrily at the wall. sobbing with regret as it is in pieces. I dont mean to sound arrogant, but in terms of what I gave my ex emotionally as well as physically, as she said to me (idolised) "you are one of a kind". We are people not mass manufactured entertainment figurines, yet at the time that it is forgotten in the discard/impulsivity phases then regret kicks in cant go the shop and get a new one.

ive seen the replacements and the priors, if I could post pictures it would be complete proof of my theory of "inability to be alone", they all in some form crawled back to her and thats what was important, a network to call upon 24/7 because if she was to sit for 10minutes in a room by herself the walls and ceilings would move inwards. When I see how difficult it is for her psychologically, I gain more empathy and take it less personally what she did, detachment has became easier, the behaviour is rooted in desperation not love.

[Husband321]

Some insightful replies,

 When I see how difficult it is for her psychologically, I gain more empathy and take it less personally what she did, detachment has became easier, the behaviour is rooted in desperation not love.

This exactly... .This also allowed me to move on, and realize just how sad the desperation is within them.

My ex wife was 10 years younger too... While dating, she was triangulating me and her ex husband...  He lived in a different state and travelled for work... But whenever he was back home, she mysteriously had to leave and have some sort of "business" back close to him...

Over time I found out, and she gave me large sums of money... Got Tattoos with my name... Anything to get me back... I took that as love. But it was desperation.

Long story short, she does not have custody of her kids from her first marriage... Very long story that I found out was basically lies once I spoke to her ex husband.

Now she goes to visit her children across the country,  flies, gets a rental car, rents a home for a week etc... So she spends a ton of money and time to "see her kids"

Now here is the kicker...  She also flies her single sister to "see her kids"...  And when my ex wife is in the new city, for even a week, across the country,  she has dates set up, off the internet, for most nights of the week.  Sister watches the kids, she dates strangers.  People she would never even have a relationship with as they live across the country.

She literally cannot be alone. Even for a day. Even when she visits her children she abandoned.

I also believe, if we saw their entire internet/texting/sexting conversations, while we were with them, we would probably be sick to our stomachs.

Also, up until 2 days before she vanished, she was trying for me to get her pregnant.  Thats the ultimate hook for them... .Imagine... At that point, they are tied to you forever. And then it is constant leaving, coming back, courts, etc and they have their hooks in you forever.

[Cromwell]

Husband you had a fortunate escape, im sure by that point the red flags were undeniable.

When my ex did start spending money on me, (twice over a period of 3 years) thats when I realised there was something wrong and desperation is the key word but I didnt see it for what it was. Yet it was also the times that she was the nicest and the love felt genuine. So hard at the time to distinguish, it was a feeling of "oh, maybe she has finally woken up, got better".

I do wish I would have found this website 3 years ago, did some homework, but chances are because my ex could present herself as a loving, normal human being for the most part, I would have most likely dismissed all these stories as statistical, a percentage of problems with BPD rather than the norm.

I - perhaps even "loyal to a fault" or naievely, stuck my head in the sand when it came to 'investigating' what my ex was up to. I dont like to snoop what I know some of my friends secretly go through their girlfriends phones, check their emails etc. Ive never been like that but my only regret was to not be firm and discard her when I was suspicious. She got to the stage of not even trying to hide it, either to intentionally hurt or just not able to repress all those secrets. Part of me still believes that my ex got some sexual kick out of the infidelity, gives the adrenaline buzz to add to the other cocktail of addictions to raise the mood from dysphoria, going to and fro to get maximum attention, one source cannot be 24/7 there to prevent the constant need for attention. So yep, I dont take it personally just glad its over before I would have acquired a "BPD gift" of some venereale disease.

to reiterate; "just glad its over"

[Husband321]

And I think that is when we question if we were brainwashed.  Was it real.  What was manipulation. Etc.

When I met my ex she supposedly hated the idea of online dating. Hated cheaters. Would never have a locked phone etc. Just wanted a normal life. Said she never cheated and never would.  She seemed exactly what I wanted.

Now in retrospect everything she told me was a total lie.  But when I was wrapped up in it, I believed her words.  So while who she was was obvious to others, I was believing in her words.

So did she not know she was lying? Was all totally random that she made herself into someone I would be interested in?

I think those are the hooks.  The words.  The mirroring. The lies that seem like expert manipulation