What a day: 911 and hospitalization for uBPDxw

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It’s been a long day. I don’t even know what I’m asking of the bpdfamily, if anything. I guess I need to write it out and have others read it to see if I’m in the twilight zone or reality. This may be long but I’ll try to keep it short.

After three long years, my divorce was officially entered into record 7/10/18. Going back to June 4th, my ex and I met with a counselor, at her request, to try and work the details of the divorce. This was two days before a mandatory judicial settlement conference. I agreed. What harm could be done? If things went bad, I could walk out and say, “see you at the settlement conference”. To my surprise, she basically agreed to my latest offer. She balked at one overnight on Thursdays that was previously just a dinner night with our children but she agreed to that. In all fairness, I voluntarily gave an extra six months of spousal support without being asked. I told my L what we agreed to and then set up a meeting with the ex, myself and both attorneys at her attorney’s office two days later. My L finished up a few details of the settlement agreement and emailed it to her L. This took place in her L’s conference room. Ex and her L went to another room and went over the agreement for 20 min, came back and we both signed.

Fast forward to this past Friday. Ex said that the amounts for spousal support aren’t right. That it wasn’t what we agreed to. She said the amount was $500 a month more. I said no, it was what the signed agreement states. She said that it isn’t right and she will contact her L and the lady that mediated our discussion two days prior to signing. I replied “ok”. Fast forward to this Tuesday (two days ago). She brings it up again and the amount she claims is the right amount for spousal support changes from what she stated four days prior. Add in several long texts filled with guilting/shaming/belittling and you get the picture. She said that her “dumba** L added the amounts up wrong twice” and that she didn’t read through the agreement because she trusted me. She picks back up last night about this time with the same until 6:20am this morning. Then again around 9:30am this morning. All the while I don’t respond to 90% and keep my replies to brief and factual statements. Then she starts texting wanting to end her life. She wasn’t home. I tried calling her and texting her. No response. I texted that I was going to call her again and if she didn’t answer, I was calling 911. The texts were previously coming in waves and then stopped. I called again and no answer. I texted that I was now calling 911. I called 911 and gave as much info as I could. I didn’t know where she was. A few minutes after hanging up with 911, she calls me and tells me she is at the church where four of our children were! She said to tell them to not come. I asked her if she was with anyone and she said no. The police finally found her at her house. She lives with her mother. I was hoping they would take her to be evaluated. They didn’t. Then she starts sending texts saying that now I was going to use this to take our children from her.

I pick our children up at 5pm since it is my day. We eat dinner and then go to watch my niece’s volleyball game. While there, I get a message to call the lady that mediated the June 4th session to work out the details of the settlement a month ago. Ex had called her saying she was having suicidal thoughts. Long story short, ex’ mother takes her to a hospital to be evaluated. As I write this, ex is being held overnight for psychiatric evaluation.

Here are the triggers that led up to today’s events.
1) At the time of the June 4th session, ex was confident that she had a job that paid 35k a year with full benefits. That fell through.
2) This past weekend, ex cashes the check I gave her on payday. I had our kids and she stays with her boyfriend when I have the kids. Ex’s boyfriend’s son (ex convict and addict) steals $850 cash from her purse.
3) She finds out today that divorce is final and entered into record.

[40days_in_desert]

It’s been a long day. I don’t even know what I’m asking of the bpdfamily, if anything. I guess I need to write it out and have others read it to see if I’m in the twilight zone or reality. This may be long but I’ll try to keep it short.

After three long years, my divorce was officially entered into record 7/10/18. Going back to June 4th, my ex and I met with a counselor, at her request, to try and work the details of the divorce. This was two days before a mandatory judicial settlement conference. I agreed. What harm could be done? If things went bad, I could walk out and say, “see you at the settlement conference”. To my surprise, she basically agreed to my latest offer. She balked at one overnight on Thursdays that was previously just a dinner night with our children but she agreed to that. In all fairness, I voluntarily gave an extra six months of spousal support without being asked. I told my L what we agreed to and then set up a meeting with the ex, myself and both attorneys at her attorney’s office two days later. My L finished up a few details of the settlement agreement and emailed it to her L. This took place in her L’s conference room. Ex and her L went to another room and went over the agreement for 20 min, came back and we both signed.

Fast forward to this past Friday. Ex said that the amounts for spousal support aren’t right. That it wasn’t what we agreed to. She said the amount was $500 a month more. I said no, it was what the signed agreement states. She said that it isn’t right and she will contact her L and the lady that mediated our discussion two days prior to signing. I replied “ok”. Fast forward to this Tuesday (two days ago). She brings it up again and the amount she claims is the right amount for spousal support changes from what she stated four days prior. Add in several long texts filled with guilting/shaming/belittling and you get the picture. She said that her “dumba** L added the amounts up wrong twice” and that she didn’t read through the agreement because she trusted me. She picks back up last night about this time with the same until 6:20am this morning. Then again around 9:30am this morning. All the while I don’t respond to 90% and keep my replies to brief and factual statements. Then she starts texting wanting to end her life. She wasn’t home. I tried calling her and texting her. No response. I texted that I was going to call her again and if she didn’t answer, I was calling 911. The texts were previously coming in waves and then stopped. I called again and no answer. I texted that I was now calling 911. I called 911 and gave as much info as I could. I didn’t know where she was. A few minutes after hanging up with 911, she calls me and tells me she is at the church where four of our children were! She said to tell them to not come. I asked her if she was with anyone and she said no. The police finally found her at her house. She lives with her mother. I was hoping they would take her to be evaluated. They didn’t. Then she starts sending texts saying that now I was going to use this to take our children from her.

I pick our children up at 5pm since it is my day. We eat dinner and then go to watch my niece’s volleyball game. While there, I get a message to call the lady that mediated the June 4th session to work out the details of the settlement a month ago. Ex had called her saying she was having suicidal thoughts. Long story short, ex’ mother takes her to a hospital to be evaluated. As I write this, ex is being held overnight for psychiatric evaluation.

Here are the triggers that led up to today’s events.
1) At the time of the June 4th session, ex was confident that she had a job that paid 35k a year with full benefits. That fell through.
2) This past weekend, ex cashes the check I gave her on payday. I had our kids and she stays with her boyfriend when I have the kids. Ex’s boyfriend’s son (ex convict and addict) steals $850 cash from her purse.
3) She finds out today that divorce is final and entered into record.

[ForeverDad]

First, you're divorced now, it is final.  You are no longer married.  What she does with her life is her own responsibility, not yours.  She shouldn't have cashed your check, she should have deposited it into her own account and used it to pay off her card charges.  She should have known having a lot of cash around was too tempting for BF's son to resist.  Doesn't matter, you're divorced not, therefore not your problem.  That may sound cold but that's the fact, you're not her husband anymore.

Second, the children are now your priority.  The mediator was probably a mandated reporter.  When you reported her texting about suicide, the responders believed her when she no doubt denied it.  I'm guessing the mediator's credibility as a professional trumped whatever Denials she made.

As long as she's unavailable you ought to care for the kids.  Will her parents try to take over on her time?  Legally the parents have priority over grandparents but it depends whether your parenting schedule includes grandparents and to what extent.

Yes, this is something that ought to be brought to the court's attention.  You can ask for temporary custody until the professionals determine what to do and how this impacts her parenting.  Your lawyer should be able to walk you through it.  Make this Friday's priority, especially if the children are not with you now.  This is not something to wait for a call back from your lawyer later this month.

That one overnight instead of a Thursday dinner, does that mean you have alternate weekends with an overnight in between?  Sounds like you need far more than that.  Her choice of behaviors (not your fault!) may allow you a foot in the door to increased time but on the other hand she may be out in a few days.  (Often there is mention of a "72 hour hold" for evaluation, that is why I suspect she may get out in as soon as a few days, depending on the evaluation of course.)  If you are to do anything with court I think you should file quickly for temp custody while things get resolved (IMHO), if she gets out quickly then you could always back off.  What filing would do is get the incident documented so it will be harder for her to sweep it under the rug.

Long term... .If the children are young, equal time splitting each week is better, they're with her less time but more frequently than alternate weeks.  Here is how a 2-2-3 schedule works: one parent gets Mon-Tue overnights, the other parent gets Wed-Thu overnights and the parents alternate the Fri-Sat-Sun overnights.

Am I too quick to do something?  I think not, maybe others can chime in here, but as long as you state this is for the care and stability of the kids you can make it harder for her to claim you're vindictive or mean.  The longer her majority time continues, the harder it will be to improve your decision-making options and parenting time.

Frankly, I suspect the mediator and the lawyers knew she was fragile or off-center mentally and emotionally and didn't waste any time getting the health experts involved.

Lastly, don't guilt yourself over calling 911.  The official policy they follow is that you can't determine the roots of suicidal talk or threats.  The responders are trained to assess and if appropriate deliver the person to the mental health experts for them to handle.  You did right to call 911.  That it took a second person to really get things moving is not surprising but you did right.

One more thought... .this is probably the best opportunity you may ever get to ask the court for her to start long term therapy.  That this happened within days of the final decree indicates she needs help.  And you can't fix it for her.

[livednlearned]

Wow. I can only imagine what that day was like for you

And for her.

It sounds like a major dysregulation  

I was hoping they would take her to be evaluated.

Right? I can see why you would hope that. Do you worry she might indeed take her own life? Has she made attempts before?

Strong emotions can create a physiological effect that causes cognitive impairment. It sounds like she was unable to really think straight under pressure.

I admire you for calling 911. That had to be a really tough stretch of time, worried sick about the kids, what it is like for them to have a mom who is so unstable.

You probably already know this -- changing anything now after a big dysregulation may make it more likely something like this happens again.

It's hard to completely let go, even when divorce is final, even when we feel done.

She is the mother of your kids and very mentally ill. Sometimes these wipe outs can lead to psychiatric evaluation and a reset, at least for some BPD sufferers. It sounds like she narrowly escaped hitting rock bottom, and has to figure out how to piece it back together without you, and that may take some adjusting on her part.

How are the kids doing? Do they know that any of this happened?

[40days_in_desert]

ForeeverDad,

They didn’t hold her for 72 hours. She was released last night and put on some sort of “house arrest”. She has an appointment tomorrow morning at 9 with a counselor. My ex sent me a text saying that she’s still not well enough to take the kids and then how I have “stolen her mental confidence” so I have them tonight. I contacted my L this morning and we’re waiting to see how things go with the counselor tomorrow.
I have full custody of D16 and my D14 recently moved in with me. Ex was the one that wanted the children to have the ability to decide where they live once they reached age 12. My L and I disagreed to that. Still, ex has said nothing since D14 moved in a month ago. The youngest three are here every Thursday night from 5:30pm until Friday morning and drop them off at school or daycare/summer activity. Every other weekend from Thursday at 5:30pm until Monday morning. I travel for work so it makes it extremely difficult to have them more than this but may have to figure a way to do it. It’s written into the agreement that the non-custodial parent has first right of refusal if the custodial parent is unavailable for a period of more than 4 hours.

[40days_in_desert]

LNL,

Thank you for the words of encouragement and validation. It was hard during those moments. I don’t want our kids to be without a mother. Even though I know I can’t live with her or be in a relationship with her, I don’t want to be without her that way. She is the mother of our kids and I do love her. She has not made attempts before but made comments of wanting to end her life in the past.
The younger kids don’t know anything right now. They asked why they’re staying the night the past two nights. I told them that mommy and I worked it out. They’re happy to be here. We’ll leave Sunday and get back the following Friday so there is a little time on our side.