Difficulty Letting Go: Currently Divorcing Wife Who is Pregnant with his Baby

[ShortKeeper]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time coming to this site and first time posting. I am currently divorcing my wife who seems to fit the description of having BPD. She has never been tested for it as she believes nothing is wrong with her. I have spent the last 9 years of my life with her and no one else. We have 2 beautiful children together. Over the past 9 years we have filed for divorce twice now and separated a few times. We met sophomore year of high school, had our first kid our senior year, and got married the next year. She has been known to cheat and for some reason I always took her back even being against taking someone back after they cheat. She is completely over me and yet I can't get over her. For some reason I can't let go of her and I can't let go of my feelings for her. It causes me pain as the reason for the divorce is that she cheated on me and got pregnant with his child. Even when I heard the news I didn't want her to leave me. I wanted to work things out, until the next day after talking to friends and family. I know that being in a relationship with her is not good for my health as we were always arguing and only happy for a week at a time, but for some reason I cannot let go. Every time I see her my heart sinks and I break down when I am alone. Even knowing that I will be hurt seeing what she is posting about me on social media I still go to her page and look. I am having the hardest time letting go even though I need to let go. I hope you guys are able to relate in some way and help me get through this.

Thank you in advance for all your advice and words.

[Navysndfirey]

Hey bud, I know exactly how you feel to an extent, I was deeply in love with my uBPDexgf. It will be 1 year at the end of the month since we had broke up. We did have constant connection that wasn’t really healthy as it seemed to always be on her terms or when something was needed and I was then cast back into the field to stand around waiting to be called back into the barn for another using. I calle her out on this and she wasn’t too impressed when I did and was painted blacker again. The best thing I did was too softly cut myself off, I disabled my Facebook account 7 weeks ago that really helped with the wanting to look and see what she’s been up to. That also annoyed her that I was able to cut her out of mylife also. It took me 11 months to do this. Don’t get me wrong I did reactive my account a few times over the first weeks to ezze the “ pain” but that has dropped off so much. I feel so much better with doing so.

[ShortKeeper]

Thanks navy, I have unfriended her on facebook but messenger is the only way for us to get a hold of each other since my parents deactivated her phone. She wouldnt pay her bill and when given the chance to start paying she freaked out. So I unfriended her today and am hoping that will help out. I just hate that she doesn't get the fact that she doesnt control my life anymore. I have asked her to only contact me when it comes to the kids but she keeps trying to interfere with whom I talk to and everything. If it wasnt for the kids then I would completely block her.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi and

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such an understandably tough time.  9 years and 2 kids together is some journey and the sort of bond that is formed with a BPD sufferer is a difficult one to break.  It's good that you found us.  Be assured, things do get easier, although it may not seem like it right now.

I am having the hardest time letting go even though I need to let go. I hope you guys are able to relate in some way and help me get through this.

You have a lot of history together and a family.  It's going to be painful and really tough at times, however if it is the best thing all round for both of you and the children, try to keep this front and centre.  At the same time, it's OK to break down and cry when you need to.  Be patient with yourself and allow yourself that space to do so when you're alone.  That's a healthy release of the strong emotions you are naturally going through.  You can also post here anonymously about anything at all that you need to get off your chest.  We are here and will walk with you on this journey to detaching and healing.  It will take time and there is no shortcut, but grief has a purpose. 

How often are you communicating about the children and what arrangements do you have in place for their care between you?  Something that helped me a great deal when handling that sort of contact with my son's father was reading about BIFF.  This stands for brief, informative, friendly and firm.  Have you heard of this?
  What helped me was to have the acronym running through my mind when we spoke.  I also restricted all communication to text so that I had opportunity to form my response before sending.  How old are the children?

Love and light x 

[pearlsw]

Hi Shortkeeper,

My goodness, the pain of this kind of situation must be immense. I am sorry that this happened in your relationship and her pregnancy made it impossible for you to continue although you wish you could have.

Harley Quinn brings up some good ideas about communicating. May I ask, how do your kids feel about what happened? How is all of this affecting them?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[ShortKeeper]

Harley I have not heard of that but we dont communicate often and I try my best to keep everything about the kids. I hate talking to her unless it's about the kids because I break down if I do. So I try to keep myself out of that situation. As for you pearls, my son is only 3 years old and doesnt really understand what's going on I dont think. He has been acting very different though since it happened and I know it is because of all the changes. As for my daughter, she wants mommy and daddy to be back together... .she wanted this the last time to so I did everything I could to make her wish come true. Unfortunately it didn't work out. It kills me to see my kids in such turmoil over the situation and it's really hard to deal with. I hate seeing my daughter not have what she wants... .as my first born I want to give her everything as she is my princess. So it pains me that I cant give her what she wants.

[DogMan75]

Hi SK. 

This, what you’re feeling now, is as bad as it gets. I’ve been through two heartbreaks in my life, one with the mother of my daughter, and one with my BPD ex. You have the dubious privilege of experiencing both at once and I can’t even imagine.

What I can tell you is that it definitely gets better. I fought tooth and nail to stay with my ex for the sake of our little family to no avail. In retrospect, splitting up was the best thing that could have happened. She remarried (I guess “married”, since we never were), and had four more kids in a chaotic, abusive household. I feel for those kids. At least my daughter had my stable, loving home to retreat to. As a result, she is a healthy, resilient fourteen year old now. Had she grown up in one home headed by the dysfunctional couple that was me and her mom, I’m not so sure that would be the case.

Having kids puts a lot of pressure on you because you want to do what’s best for them, but it also gives you strength. You need to be strong for them, but you end up being stronger for yourself too. I’d always known kids need their parents, but until I became a parent, I hadn’t understood that parents need their kids, too. I would not be the person I am today without the privilege and responsibility of fatherhood.

You are in the absolute worst of it now, I’m sorry. You have it a little worse than I did, I think, but my experiences are similar enough that I have a pretty good idea of where you must be at right now. Just take it one day at a time -it’s a cliche for a good reason- and ever so slowly, things will get better, I promise you.

That first breakup was hands-down the worst time of my whole life (up until this one), but looking back, I wouldn’t change a single thing about it but for one thing: I wish it’d happened sooner.

Nine years is a long time to invest in her, but in another nine years, you’ll be so glad it wasn’t 18. Or 27. Or 36.

It could always be worse, and sometimes more time just means more opportunities to extend your pain.

Chin up, my brother. It really will all be ok, eventually. It will just be a slow and painful process getting there.