What is Trauma Bonding?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

  Hello, as an adult-child of a NPD / BPD mother and alcoholic farther,  I am exploring the topic of trauma bonding and how it relates to me today as I free myself from an abuse marriage. So far I have found this related article on recovery from trauma bonding, and would love to hear from anyone who has recovered from trauma bonding and moved through it to freedom.

Thank you for your replies 

10 Steps to Recovering from a Toxic Trauma Bond

Trauma bonds occur in very toxic relationships, and tend to be strengthened by inconsistent positive reinforcement—or at least the hope of something better to come. Trauma bonds occur in extreme situations such as abusive relationships, hostage situations, and incestuous relationships, but also in any ongoing attached relationship in which there is a great deal of pain interspersed with times of calm (or maybe just less pain). I liken it to a heroin addiction—the relationship promises much, gives fleeting feelings of utopia, and then it sucks away your very soul.

If you or someone you know has been in an abusive relationship, you have witnessed the strength of this type of connection. Maybe you or someone you know is trying to get out, but seems incapable of leaving.

Well, there is hope. Here is some advice on how to break free from this type of stronghold:

1. Make a commitment to live in reality. If you find yourself wanting to fantasize about what could be or what you hope will be, stop. Remind yourself that you have made a commitment to live in truth. Even if you don’t choose to leave the relationship immediately, in the meantime you can at least remind yourself that you will stop fantasizing about what is not happening.

2, Live in real time. That means stop holding on to what “could” or “will” happen tomorrow. Notice what is happening in the moment. Notice how trapped you feel. Notice how unloved you feel and how you have compromised your self-respect and self-worth for this relationship. Pay attention to your emotions. Stop hoping and waiting, and start noticing in real time what is happening and how it is affecting you.

3. Live one decision at a time and one day at a time. Sometimes people scare themselves with all-or-nothing thinking. Don’t tell yourself things like, “I have to never talk to the toxic person again or else”; this is akin to trying to lose weight by telling yourself you can never eat chocolate again. While it is true that your relationship is an unhealthy one, you don’t need to make every encounter a do-or-die situation. Don’t scare yourself.

4. Make decisions that only support your self-care. That is, do not make any decision that hurts you. This goes for emotional “relapses” as well. If you find yourself feeling weak, don’t mentally berate yourself, but rather talk to yourself in compassionate, understanding, and reflective ways. Remind yourself that you are a work in process and life is a journey. Do not make the uncaring decision to mentally beat yourself up. In every encounter you have with the object of your obsession, stop and think about each choice you make. Make choices that are only in your best interest.

If you find yourself feeling weak, don’t mentally berate yourself, but rather talk to yourself in compassionate, understanding, and reflective ways. Remind yourself that you are a work in process and life is a journey.

5. Start feeling your emotions. Whenever you are away from the toxic person in your life and feel tempted to reach out to them for reassurance, stop. Consider writing your feelings down instead. Write whatever comes to you. For example, “I feel ____. I miss ____. I wish I could be with ____ right now, but I am going to sit and write my feelings down instead. I am going to teach myself how to feel my way through the obsession, rather than turning to ____.” This may help you to build inner strength. Learn to simply be with your emotions. You don’t need to run from them, hide from them, avoid them, or make them go away. Once you fully feel them, they may begin to subside. Remember: the only way out is through.

6. Learn to grieve. Letting go of a toxic relationship and breaking a traumatic bond may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. You cannot do it without honoring the reality you are losing something very valuable to you.

7. Understand the “hook.” Identify what, exactly, you are losing. It may be a fantasy, a dream, an illusion. Perhaps your partner had convinced you into believing they were going to fulfill some deep, unmet need. Once you can identify what this need (or hook) is, you can get down to the business of grieving. Grieving means (figuratively) holding your hands open and letting it go. You say goodbye to the notion the need you have may never be met. At minimum, it will not be met by this relationship.

8. Write a list of bottom-line behaviors for yourself. Possible examples: “(1) I will not sleep with someone who calls me names. (2) I will not argue with someone who has been drinking. (3) I will take care of my own finances. (4) I will not have conversations with anyone when I feel desperate (or defensive, or obsessive, etc.).” Whatever your areas of concern, determine what you need to do to change and make those your bottom-line behaviors.

9. Build your life. Little by little, start dreaming about your future for yourself (and your children, if you have them); in other words, make dreams that don’t involve your traumatic partner. Maybe you want to go to school, start a hobby, go to church, or join a club. Start making life-affirming choices for yourself that take you away from the toxic interactions that have been destroying your peace of mind.

10. Build healthy connections. The only way to really free yourself from unhealthy connections is to start investing in healthy ones. Develop other close, connected, and bonded relationships that are not centered on drama. Make these your “go-to” people. It is extremely difficult to heal without support. Notice the people in your life who show you loving concern, and care and hang around with them as often as you can. Reach out for professional help as needed.

Source - www.goodtherapy.org/blog/10-steps-to-recovering-from-toxic-trauma-bond-0110175

[freespirit]

  Hello, as an adult-child of a NPD / BPD mother and alcoholic farther,  I am exploring the topic of trauma bonding and how it relates to me today as I free myself from an abuse marriage. So far I have found this related article on recovery from trauma bonding, and would love to hear from anyone who has recovered from trauma bonding and moved through it to freedom.

Thank you for your replies 

10 Steps to Recovering from a Toxic Trauma Bond

Trauma bonds occur in very toxic relationships, and tend to be strengthened by inconsistent positive reinforcement—or at least the hope of something better to come. Trauma bonds occur in extreme situations such as abusive relationships, hostage situations, and incestuous relationships, but also in any ongoing attached relationship in which there is a great deal of pain interspersed with times of calm (or maybe just less pain). I liken it to a heroin addiction—the relationship promises much, gives fleeting feelings of utopia, and then it sucks away your very soul.

If you or someone you know has been in an abusive relationship, you have witnessed the strength of this type of connection. Maybe you or someone you know is trying to get out, but seems incapable of leaving.

Well, there is hope. Here is some advice on how to break free from this type of stronghold:

1. Make a commitment to live in reality. If you find yourself wanting to fantasize about what could be or what you hope will be, stop. Remind yourself that you have made a commitment to live in truth. Even if you don’t choose to leave the relationship immediately, in the meantime you can at least remind yourself that you will stop fantasizing about what is not happening.

2, Live in real time. That means stop holding on to what “could” or “will” happen tomorrow. Notice what is happening in the moment. Notice how trapped you feel. Notice how unloved you feel and how you have compromised your self-respect and self-worth for this relationship. Pay attention to your emotions. Stop hoping and waiting, and start noticing in real time what is happening and how it is affecting you.

3. Live one decision at a time and one day at a time. Sometimes people scare themselves with all-or-nothing thinking. Don’t tell yourself things like, “I have to never talk to the toxic person again or else”; this is akin to trying to lose weight by telling yourself you can never eat chocolate again. While it is true that your relationship is an unhealthy one, you don’t need to make every encounter a do-or-die situation. Don’t scare yourself.

4. Make decisions that only support your self-care. That is, do not make any decision that hurts you. This goes for emotional “relapses” as well. If you find yourself feeling weak, don’t mentally berate yourself, but rather talk to yourself in compassionate, understanding, and reflective ways. Remind yourself that you are a work in process and life is a journey. Do not make the uncaring decision to mentally beat yourself up. In every encounter you have with the object of your obsession, stop and think about each choice you make. Make choices that are only in your best interest.

If you find yourself feeling weak, don’t mentally berate yourself, but rather talk to yourself in compassionate, understanding, and reflective ways. Remind yourself that you are a work in process and life is a journey.

5. Start feeling your emotions. Whenever you are away from the toxic person in your life and feel tempted to reach out to them for reassurance, stop. Consider writing your feelings down instead. Write whatever comes to you. For example, “I feel ____. I miss ____. I wish I could be with ____ right now, but I am going to sit and write my feelings down instead. I am going to teach myself how to feel my way through the obsession, rather than turning to ____.” This may help you to build inner strength. Learn to simply be with your emotions. You don’t need to run from them, hide from them, avoid them, or make them go away. Once you fully feel them, they may begin to subside. Remember: the only way out is through.

6. Learn to grieve. Letting go of a toxic relationship and breaking a traumatic bond may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. You cannot do it without honoring the reality you are losing something very valuable to you.

7. Understand the “hook.” Identify what, exactly, you are losing. It may be a fantasy, a dream, an illusion. Perhaps your partner had convinced you into believing they were going to fulfill some deep, unmet need. Once you can identify what this need (or hook) is, you can get down to the business of grieving. Grieving means (figuratively) holding your hands open and letting it go. You say goodbye to the notion the need you have may never be met. At minimum, it will not be met by this relationship.

8. Write a list of bottom-line behaviors for yourself. Possible examples: “(1) I will not sleep with someone who calls me names. (2) I will not argue with someone who has been drinking. (3) I will take care of my own finances. (4) I will not have conversations with anyone when I feel desperate (or defensive, or obsessive, etc.).” Whatever your areas of concern, determine what you need to do to change and make those your bottom-line behaviors.

9. Build your life. Little by little, start dreaming about your future for yourself (and your children, if you have them); in other words, make dreams that don’t involve your traumatic partner. Maybe you want to go to school, start a hobby, go to church, or join a club. Start making life-affirming choices for yourself that take you away from the toxic interactions that have been destroying your peace of mind.

10. Build healthy connections. The only way to really free yourself from unhealthy connections is to start investing in healthy ones. Develop other close, connected, and bonded relationships that are not centered on drama. Make these your “go-to” people. It is extremely difficult to heal without support. Notice the people in your life who show you loving concern, and care and hang around with them as often as you can. Reach out for professional help as needed.

Source - www.goodtherapy.org/blog/10-steps-to-recovering-from-toxic-trauma-bond-0110175

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi freespirit,

I am not at a place/time where I am able to provide a proper reply. But I definitely want to explore this topic with you. You are not alone. 

L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi again freespirit  ,

I can self identify trauma bonds with my abusive/possibly unpd father (now deceased) when I was a child; with my unpd/sociopathic mum (currently NC) when I was a child, as a pre-teen, teen and young adult; with my 1st husband/ex-husband of nearly 25 years who who was a mirror version of my mum; and the person I allowed myself to become involved in a lesbian relationship outside of my current marriage of over 20 years. My husband was aware of the lesbian relationship before it began and all along until it nearly destroyed me. I never hid it or deceived him... .but it was extremely damaging. Or was it the catalyst I needed to finally step off the drama triangles and seek healing while owning my part in all of it?

To say all this is extremely complex and complicated is an enormous understatement.

The events that erupted to caused these trauma bonds were horrific and — for me — a combination of extreme physical and emotional abuse and manipulation. Healing from this is a continuous work in progress for me. I have some great days and I still have difficult days.

I will say that it is getting easier the more I am able to honestly face the truth of my own choices while simultaneously focusing on self care, healthy boundaries and more self compassion.

I briefly skimmed the article you quoted. I’m no psychiatrist or psychologist but it seems to offer some decent advice. I plan to go back and re-read when I have more time.

Here is another article that was helpful to me when I went through the final horrific traumas that ultimately led me to stepping out of the drama of caretaking my abusers:  https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html#

Do you have specific questions about what you experienced or how you might expect to heal from it?

[Harri]

I can't say I am recovered or free but I am working on it.  I think when it comes to c-PTSD it is much harder to break the bonds and almost impossible to do it without professional help *though a lot can be done without T*. 

I do know the bond becomes so powerful due to intermittent reinforcement of reward (parent is happy, acting 'normal', loves you) and punishment (parent splits you black, rages at you, abuses you).  It is further strengthened by the sense of relief/happiness when the abuse ends.  This all creates a reflexive response where we will look to the abuser for comfort, solace, support, understanding, etc.

What sorts of things do you want to talk about?  The methods mentioned in the article for dealing with it seem helpful though almost too simplistic for me (just my opinion though).

 

[Learning2Thrive]

freespirit, how are you doing today?

I reread the article and while I still feel it offers some good advice, I tend to lean towards Harri’s perspective that it seems a little too simplistic.

Sharing some thoughts from Pete Walker:

This article explores the role of grieving in treating childhood trauma and Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Insight, as crucially important as it is, is never enough in recovery. No amount of intention or epiphany can bypass one’s need to learn to lovingly care for himself when he is suffering from the emotional flashbacks of C-PTSD. Emotional flashbacks are regressions that take the survivor back to the excruciating states of fear, humiliation, abandonment, helplessness and hopelessness that he nearly drowned in during childhood. Grieving is an irreplaceable tool for metabolizing and resolving the overwhelming feelings that arise during emotional flashbacks.
Grieving aids the survivor immeasurably to work through the innumerable death-like experiences of being lost and trapped in emotional flashbacks. Grieving also supports recovery from the many painful, death-like losses caused by childhood traumatization. Recoverees need to grieve the death of safety and belonging in their own childhoods – the death of their early attachment needs. They need to mourn the myriad heartbreaks of their frustrated attempts to win approval and affection from their parents.
As the grieving process therapeutically evolves, survivors typically uncover a great deal of unresolved grief about the deadening absence of the nurturance they needed to develop and thrive. Children will only flourish if the following types of needs are consistently met: 1. Physical needs for affection and protection; 2. Emotional needs for caring, regard and interest; 3. Spiritual needs for recognition of their worth and basic goodness; 4. Verbal needs for welcoming inquiry, positive feedback, and multidimensional conversation

Full article here: www.pete-walker.com/pdf/GrievingAndComplexPTSD.pdf

As Harri mentioned, breaking and healing from trauma bonds is likely nearly impossible without an appropriate therapist; though much can be accomplished on your own with the ability and willingness to do the work.

Are you currently in T?

[freespirit]

Hi Learning2Thrive   

You said,  " You are not alone" Thank you  

"The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too.” - Brené Brown 

Thank you for sharing your experience with me around your recovery from trauma bonds and for the articles you posted. I love Pete Walker and I am currently reading his book Complex PTSD: From Surviving, which is proving to be life changing for myself and my teenage daughter.

Together, as part of our recovery process we have set up a personal resilience project called The Gifts Of Thriving, which is a youth led, inter-generational self empowerment movement and a self-study, self-exploration and self empowerment,  expressive arts book club.

Members must  be reading at least one of the books - The Gifts Of Imperfection by Brene Brown or Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker. (under construction) #MyResilientHeart 

Thank you for sharing Harri, you asked " What sorts of things do you want to talk about?"

At the moment for me its about information gathering / researching, and I would like to know of any recommended books specifically on the subject of Trauma bonds and if there are any workshops here on bpdfamily directly addressing this issue.

Thank you