Dealing with a break up: BPD partner broke up with me, I am recovering BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there,

This is my first time posting here. My BPD ex-partner broke up with me about 4m ago. We'd been dating about a year. I'd known her for about 7y casually and we reconnected and started dating. She had always been a fun, easy going, nice person to me up to this point. She was also the beautiful,  cool girl, very charismatic. She had a long term relationship with another friend of mine and I knew that they had a very rocky relationship. Knowing both of them casually, I thought it was her ex-partner and not her. (Lesson #1:It takes 2 to tango) This seemed to fit the dynamic I had always seen between them. My ex would tell me all the things that her partner would do and she sounded very unstable, etc. I took her at her word and her behavior up to this point backed her up. (Why would I want to date someone who had been in a long term volatile relationship? It did not even give me pause.)

I have been in recovery from BPD for about 8 years now. I met most criteria but I mostly internalized my anger. I did have a few rage attacks and cut some friends off but I mostly lived in constant excruciating pain that I kept to and tried to manage myself. I never cut or was suicidal. If you subscribe to the idea of a BPD continuum, I'd call myself moderate. I also have Bipolar II and have been very stable on meds for about 10 years. I finally started DBT after a total breakdown following a minor breakup. I don't meet the criteria anymore, but I am certainly a work in progress and still struggle with abandoment and self esteem issues.

So the love bombing started and it was a blissful 6 months.  I couldn't believe the person I'd been pining for for many years, was so loving, giving, all the things love bombing entails. She would make comments, sort of as an aside, that concerned me. "I'm emotionally unhealthy, self loathing, I'm going home to worry about my future." Very casually, as she's walking out the door. I would try to discuss them with her later but she always said she was just joking and would change the subject. I discovered that she was someone who drinks beer and smokes weed everyday. She also smoked a pack a day. Once I realized this was going on, I knew there were serious self esteem issues. My brain and body told me to get out but I was crazy about her by this point and I think I just pushed those thoughts and feelings down. It didn't enter my mind once that she might have BPD. My BPD manifested so differently and I had never even heard of love bombing.

So 6m in, things start to take a turn. She quit smoking and cut down her drinking drastically but she started having brief episodes of anger towards me that were out of proportion to the circumstance. Then short episodes of intense negativity. Out of the blue venting about something that most people would consider minor. Then the real toxicity started. Berating me in public, intense anger if cooking dinner wasn't exactly as she wanted it,etc. Between episodes everything was fine, she could be so loving, giving, etc. She seemed like 2 people at this point and I never knew who was coming through the door. I would attempt to discuss these issues but she just would not allow it. Mostly with deflection. She would send me long texts telling me things like, I mean everything to her, I deserve her best love, etc so there was some insight that there was a problem, she just could not talk about it. When I write this out now, I think what the hell was I doing staying there? I was choosing to stay in an abusive relationship. Its astonishing. I am a physician and have many times counseled women about DV, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse. I never in a thousand years thought I would be in an abusive relationship. Not only was I in one, I was staying in one and making excuses to myself and others about her behavior.

I had always known that she had a very difficult childhood but not like the one she started to tell me about. Her mother developed schizophrenia when she was 7 and she regularly beat her severely. This went on for years and her mom was in and out of the hospital until age 14, when she was permanently hospitalized. She does not recognize my ex at all. During this time, she was also being molested by her father who apparently did nothing about the beatings. Absolutely horrific. She would calmly tell me these things and said she had come to terms with it and had done a lot of therapy for many years. Her father died about 8 y ago so she is literally an orphan. No other family members, she says. I'm not sure if she has just cut other family out or she really has no one.

About 8 m in, things were full blown toxic. Changing dinner plans one night spiraled into 6w of conflict. She would take a fairly minor issue and add layer upon layer to it until the original problem was lost. Gaslighting,circular conversations, projecting like I had never experienced. At this point, I was doing a lot of reading about childhood trauma and complex ptsd, which is what I thought she had. It still did not dawn on me that she might have BPD too. After this period, we entered into 2 months of stability. We finally had a "real" conversation about everything one night after she had been drinking heavily. She was able to talk about all of it and said she never wanted to be a source of hurt for me again. She seemed to have really turned a corner. She was much more open about her feelings and could apologize for something. This was progress. She threw me an amazing birthday party and I really thought we were turning a corner.

Not 2 weeks after my birthday, she became very upset that I had asked her new roommate how everything was going in the house. She felt that I was talking about her and promptly broke up with me saying she needed space. She said she was worried that she could not "hack" our relationship anymore and she didn't want to hurt me anymore, that I deserved better. It was remarkably civil and I was hopeful that she was reaching a point of starting therapy. We had discussed the topic more lately and she was willing to discuss it more openly. I gave her all the space she needed and reached out a month later just to check in. I received the most scathing, hateful text of my life saying our year together was the worst of her life and on and on. We spoke once more, it went horribly and she has deleted me from her life. Literally.

She got a new girlfriend pretty quickly who I know very, very casually. She is very young and not very complicated. I'm not trying to be judgmental, this is just my observation of her. She is a very sweet girl. She will not have any contact with me whatsoever. I wrote her a letter a few weeks ago and I've heard nothing. I am crushed. As much as she acted out, she was a great partner much of the time.

I have a good therapist who has been helping me see my co-dependency and helping me explore why I would stay in an abusive relationship for any amount of time. This has been an extremely painful time and I have learned a lot about myself and my core issues. I still long for her. If she agreed to get into therapy full time, I would try to make things work. I myself have recovered from BPD and I know that things can change drastically. I know this is an incredibly wordy post but I really need to get the whole thing out and hear from this community. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for any constructive thoughts anyone might have for me.

[Sarah71]

Hi there,

This is my first time posting here. My BPD ex-partner broke up with me about 4m ago. We'd been dating about a year. I'd known her for about 7y casually and we reconnected and started dating. She had always been a fun, easy going, nice person to me up to this point. She was also the beautiful,  cool girl, very charismatic. She had a long term relationship with another friend of mine and I knew that they had a very rocky relationship. Knowing both of them casually, I thought it was her ex-partner and not her. (Lesson #1:It takes 2 to tango) This seemed to fit the dynamic I had always seen between them. My ex would tell me all the things that her partner would do and she sounded very unstable, etc. I took her at her word and her behavior up to this point backed her up. (Why would I want to date someone who had been in a long term volatile relationship? It did not even give me pause.)

I have been in recovery from BPD for about 8 years now. I met most criteria but I mostly internalized my anger. I did have a few rage attacks and cut some friends off but I mostly lived in constant excruciating pain that I kept to and tried to manage myself. I never cut or was suicidal. If you subscribe to the idea of a BPD continuum, I'd call myself moderate. I also have Bipolar II and have been very stable on meds for about 10 years. I finally started DBT after a total breakdown following a minor breakup. I don't meet the criteria anymore, but I am certainly a work in progress and still struggle with abandoment and self esteem issues.

So the love bombing started and it was a blissful 6 months.  I couldn't believe the person I'd been pining for for many years, was so loving, giving, all the things love bombing entails. She would make comments, sort of as an aside, that concerned me. "I'm emotionally unhealthy, self loathing, I'm going home to worry about my future." Very casually, as she's walking out the door. I would try to discuss them with her later but she always said she was just joking and would change the subject. I discovered that she was someone who drinks beer and smokes weed everyday. She also smoked a pack a day. Once I realized this was going on, I knew there were serious self esteem issues. My brain and body told me to get out but I was crazy about her by this point and I think I just pushed those thoughts and feelings down. It didn't enter my mind once that she might have BPD. My BPD manifested so differently and I had never even heard of love bombing.

So 6m in, things start to take a turn. She quit smoking and cut down her drinking drastically but she started having brief episodes of anger towards me that were out of proportion to the circumstance. Then short episodes of intense negativity. Out of the blue venting about something that most people would consider minor. Then the real toxicity started. Berating me in public, intense anger if cooking dinner wasn't exactly as she wanted it,etc. Between episodes everything was fine, she could be so loving, giving, etc. She seemed like 2 people at this point and I never knew who was coming through the door. I would attempt to discuss these issues but she just would not allow it. Mostly with deflection. She would send me long texts telling me things like, I mean everything to her, I deserve her best love, etc so there was some insight that there was a problem, she just could not talk about it. When I write this out now, I think what the hell was I doing staying there? I was choosing to stay in an abusive relationship. Its astonishing. I am a physician and have many times counseled women about DV, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse. I never in a thousand years thought I would be in an abusive relationship. Not only was I in one, I was staying in one and making excuses to myself and others about her behavior.

I had always known that she had a very difficult childhood but not like the one she started to tell me about. Her mother developed schizophrenia when she was 7 and she regularly beat her severely. This went on for years and her mom was in and out of the hospital until age 14, when she was permanently hospitalized. She does not recognize my ex at all. During this time, she was also being molested by her father who apparently did nothing about the beatings. Absolutely horrific. She would calmly tell me these things and said she had come to terms with it and had done a lot of therapy for many years. Her father died about 8 y ago so she is literally an orphan. No other family members, she says. I'm not sure if she has just cut other family out or she really has no one.

About 8 m in, things were full blown toxic. Changing dinner plans one night spiraled into 6w of conflict. She would take a fairly minor issue and add layer upon layer to it until the original problem was lost. Gaslighting,circular conversations, projecting like I had never experienced. At this point, I was doing a lot of reading about childhood trauma and complex ptsd, which is what I thought she had. It still did not dawn on me that she might have BPD too. After this period, we entered into 2 months of stability. We finally had a "real" conversation about everything one night after she had been drinking heavily. She was able to talk about all of it and said she never wanted to be a source of hurt for me again. She seemed to have really turned a corner. She was much more open about her feelings and could apologize for something. This was progress. She threw me an amazing birthday party and I really thought we were turning a corner.

Not 2 weeks after my birthday, she became very upset that I had asked her new roommate how everything was going in the house. She felt that I was talking about her and promptly broke up with me saying she needed space. She said she was worried that she could not "hack" our relationship anymore and she didn't want to hurt me anymore, that I deserved better. It was remarkably civil and I was hopeful that she was reaching a point of starting therapy. We had discussed the topic more lately and she was willing to discuss it more openly. I gave her all the space she needed and reached out a month later just to check in. I received the most scathing, hateful text of my life saying our year together was the worst of her life and on and on. We spoke once more, it went horribly and she has deleted me from her life. Literally.

She got a new girlfriend pretty quickly who I know very, very casually. She is very young and not very complicated. I'm not trying to be judgmental, this is just my observation of her. She is a very sweet girl. She will not have any contact with me whatsoever. I wrote her a letter a few weeks ago and I've heard nothing. I am crushed. As much as she acted out, she was a great partner much of the time.

I have a good therapist who has been helping me see my co-dependency and helping me explore why I would stay in an abusive relationship for any amount of time. This has been an extremely painful time and I have learned a lot about myself and my core issues. I still long for her. If she agreed to get into therapy full time, I would try to make things work. I myself have recovered from BPD and I know that things can change drastically. I know this is an incredibly wordy post but I really need to get the whole thing out and hear from this community. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for any constructive thoughts anyone might have for me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi and welcome! 

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for everything you've been through.

My wife is possibly taking the first few steps towards getting help for her BPD. I'm hopeful but at the same time I maintain a flexible attitude for the future. She might not get better and I might separate from her some day. Right now I'm taking the priority off making this decision and putting the focus on other things, like our kids and my career.

This relationship sounds very important to you but also very conditional on her getting help, which is completely in her hands. Based on your experience with her, do you think she will walk this road? If she doesn't, do you think you are prepared to let the relationship go?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Sarah71-
I want to join RolandofEld and welcome you to our wonderful and supportive community and also express how sorry I am that you’re going through this pain and confusion.

I also want to tell you that with your personal experience with BPD and your recovery journey, you can likely help many people here to understand certain feelings.  But I want to gently caution you that like you, many people come here in very heightened states of emotion and pain. 

Since this site is geared toward “nons” (people who do not have BPD), who are/were romantically involved with pwBPD, or have family members with BPD, Please take care NOT to take some of the comments personally.

There are also some of us (myself included) who have questioned whether we have perhaps exhibited BPD traits at points in our lives.

All of this aside, your pain is real.  The fact that you experienced an abusive relationship, something you never thought you’d either enter or stay in is real.  And I’m sorry. 

There is so much information on this site that may provide insight you haven’t had before regarding certain BPD behaviors.  And it really sounds as if your gf’s behaviors were very foreign to you.  The “love bombing” for instance.  My exuBPDbf... .(translated ex undiagnosed BPD boyfriend)... .the love bombing was incredible.  And I’m no beginner at love.  I believed, at 55 and after a 19-year marriage, that GOD had sent me a true gift.  I could not have been more wrong... .But it took me 3.5 years to figure out what was going on - when I looked up the phrase “unprovoked rage in men”.  So please, don’t think yourself foolish.

What tends to happen after the love bombing, is that THAT is the person we believe in.  That is the beautiful lover we pray will return to us.  That’s the hope we cling to, and it’s so hard to release.  I did my best to learn all the communication tools I could from this site; but in the end his cruelty won out and I had to send him away.  I finally understood I could not love him into wellness.  I could not “fix” him and he wouldn’t get help.  He did send an email 2 months after we parted saying he’d go to a therapist with me for MY depression.  Go figure... .

As for her ability to move on so quickly... .she has a void that must be filled, an emptiness.  And in my humble opinion, the hateful text “validates” to her that she made the “right” decision leaving you.  It’s a way to deflect her shame.  I’ve received so many hateful texts out of nowhere... .And you understand... .until she does work on herself to heal those deep wounds and truly becomes self-reflective, she will move from relationship to relationship.  Each time her partner will be blamed for whatever was wrong with the relationship.  That’s just a sad fact of the illness when left untreated.

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes