Numb and lost on where to go

[Insecure silence]

Hello.
I’m at an emotional loss on what to do - I know what is best for me, but too scared to make the step.
My 5th year wedding anniversary is this week and I’ve been with my husband for over 9 years now, it’s been one hell of a rollercoaster and I’m ready to get off. I’m dreading the upcoming weekend and it’s all starting to trigger my own anxiety and depression.
My husband suffers from Peter Pan syndrome and is impulsive and explosive. Initially it was mood swings and intense emotions. I was 22 and had never been in a serious relationship before we got together. I was quiet and shy, insecure. I’m a caretaker at heart and wanted to love and support him. He has managed to alienate everyone in his life, yet goes on about how he needs a support system with his “depression and adhd”. He expects me to reach out to people, because he says it makes him too vulnerable, and then blames me when no one reaches out.
He has a temper and will go into rages where the look in his eye and the tone of his voice sends chills down my spine and causes immediate panic as he will sometimes become destructive towards himself and objects around him. He will scream for help and then speak in obsessively about wanting to die - but I know there is little intent behind the statements.
I hit my breaking point last week and finally called 911 during an episode. He was able to turn it off in 2minutes of me being on the phone. And remained calm at the ER where they did nothing for him. I stayed at my parents for the week because I couldn’t handle being around him and then he managed to blame me for being gone in his time of need. I feel like I’m holding my breath around him now. He’s calm and vulnerable, but I feel like it’s only a matter of time.

I am exhausted and know that I deserve better. My confidence has grown as I have - I have a fantastic job that I love and I’m good at. I have a loving and supportive family, friends that I wish I could see without his drama. I just want to be happy. Every day is a negative cloud with him and I don’t want this to be he story of my life. I want to havehildren and a family, and I know that he’s not the person I want to do that with because it wouldn’t be fair to me or the kids.

Advice on how to safely walk away? I’m not sure I want to wait for the next explosion. I keep saying next time will be the last time, but it never is. My biggest concern is that he has no friends and his mom lives quite a few states away, and they have a rocky, weird relationship. I don’t think he would do anything right now, but I don’t know what he would do if I left.
I know he would blame me and tell me how I’ve lied to him about being happy - which is true at this point. Because I’m not happy. But I do it to keep tantrums from happening because I can’t handle them,. And I know whatever actions he decides to do if(when) I decide to walk away are on him and I’m not responsible - but I’m too scared to make that step. Deep down he is a good guy with great things to offer, but this is just way too much.

I see an individual counselor and I won’t see her until next week. I think this will be the first time I’m this serious about wanting to start over and try to figure out how to go about this and talk to her about it.
But any help and support in this would be greatly appreciated. Just knowing I’m not along helps!

[Ltahoe]

I’m fairly new here. I just want to say I can relate to how you feel. I truly too sometimes wish I could leave my relationship but I have responsibilities kids, shared financial stuff etc. stuff that makes it harder for me to adjust to separating.  I’d say though anytime emotions are really a roller coaster ride, it’s almost best once you do separate to have the least amount of contact as possible. It sounds cold initially but at least for you and possibly your partner it will shorten the amount of time that you are emotionally involved in the break up. Of course no one that highly values marriage wants their marriage to end either, so idk that there is any real easy way to go about it other than just make a decision and go through with it. I suppose when I’m torn between two decisions I always make a list of pros and cons for each choice and a decision can become more clear.

I truly understand not wanting kids with someone with BPD. In my relationship I’ve been forced to take on an overwhelming amount of the joint repsonsibility. Not only that your kids will be subject to the BPD treatment, and run higher risks of either becoming BPD or caretakers. I really do think that is a sound judgement on your part. As far as initiating divorce idk what to say I’ve become a little teary eyed myself when thinking about actually doing it on occasion.

[Cat Familiar]

I truly understand not wanting kids with someone with BPD. In my relationship I’ve been forced to take on an overwhelming amount of the joint repsonsibility. Not only that your kids will be subject to the BPD treatment, and run higher risks of either becoming BPD or caretakers. I really do think that is a sound judgement on your part.

I completely agree with Ltahoe! So many members here struggle to keep their kids protected from BPD spouses' meltdowns or just weird unhealthy parenting.

Your husband sounds a lot like my first husband, with the destructive rages. I too was shy, insecure and young when we got together. I put up with the crazy rollercoaster for far too many years before I ended it. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to end, since you accumulate assets and it becomes more habitual to just endure it.  

I'm certainly not going to sugarcoat the challenges in ending a marriage to a person with BPD (pwBPD). But for me, I have never once had even a moment of regret. My only regret was that I waited so damn long to pull the trigger.

Now I'm married to yet another man with BPD, though this man is kind and his PD (personality disorder) is on the very mild end of the spectrum. Still, what I didn't realize was that because I grew up with a mother with BPD, that set me on a path to tolerate what others wouldn't find acceptable. I highly recommend counseling for people with BPD spouses, especially with those on the more extreme side, such as your husband. I'm glad you've found a therapist to work with. If you choose to leave, or want to try and improve your marriage, having T (therapy) is invaluable.

I stayed in my first marriage because like you, I saw something worthwhile in him. I kept believing, despite all evidence, that I could bring that part out and that the horrible behavior would be a thing of the past. Well, what I had to come to terms with was the fact that he was both Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. I couldn't have just the good Dr.

You did the right thing calling 911. I dealt with many suicide threats over the years. After I divorced him, his next girlfriend spoke with me and told me that he was holding her "hostage with his suicide threats." They learn strategies that get them the attention they want, whether it's good or bad attention--it seems like it doesn't matter. You could see that he was more in control of himself than you might have thought, due to being able to seem normal at the ER.

You deserve to have an emotionally healthy partner to create a life with and have children. It's great that you have a job you love and friends and family who support you. So often, pwBPD try to alienate us from our support network.

Whatever you choose, keep your friends and family close and heed their wise counsel.

 
Cat