What to Expect

[BugsAndSlugs]

Hello,

I'm BugsAndSlugs, and I think I have a sister with BPD traits.  

On my wedding day in April my sister accused a family member of some egregious actions towards her young children.  My family is in shock - as far as I know, everyone in my family thinks she's lying, and no one can make sense of her claims.  My extended family has refused to answer her calls and texts.  My mother and I were closer to my sister than the other family, and we've reached out, asked for an explanation, some kind of justification for what she did and the claims she continues to make. She's lashed out at us (mostly our mom) and believes we owe her an apology for not believing her, and she demands that we tell her she's a good mom and we trust her judgment.  She's cut us off from her children.  Just this past week, she filed a report with the police accusing the family member of the crime she believes happened.

A friend of a friend is a diagnosed BP, and I started to see the similarities after this recent outburst and her irrational responses that I can't explain.  I just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and I now know that there's an explanation for what I've dealt with and witnessed for at least 20 years, when my sister reached adolescence.  

My first concern at the moment is weathering the storm of a potential criminal investigation into the behavior of the family member accused.  What's it like dealing with false accusations made by a person with BPD traits - especially when those accusations are potentially damaging to one's reputation and career?  I already know that I can't expect logic, but how far will this go? I'm worried about what she might put her children through.

[Harri]

Hi BugsAndSlugs.  I am glad you found us but so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.  What a distressing situation! 

I am not sure what you can expect with the investigation as I have never experienced that situation.  From what I know from reading of similar situations on this site, often the investigation finds no evidence of abuse and the matter stops there in terms of any legal consequences.  Most of the cases involve the spouse of a pwBPD but several have been accused of molestation, physical abuse, etc. 

We have a Legal board here that may be better able to help you with your questions about what you might expect and how to handle things at your end.  I am not saying you don't belong on this board because you most definitely do, but the legal board has excellent people who have been there done that and can maybe give you answers or even some peace of mind.  Here is a link to the Family Law, Custody, Co-parenting, Divorce board.

But lets talk about you now.  First, congratulations on your marriage!  I hope you were able to enjoy your day despite the situation with your sister.  Having a label or a reference point to look at her behaviors can be both a relief and a head spinning event. 

How old are your sisters children?  Is she married?  Were you close to the kids prior to her cutting off contact?  On this board we can also help you explore and understand your childhood growing up with a BPD sibling so I am very glad you posted.  It is a lot to take in and I understand that your immediate concern is the legal situation and rightly so.  I won't hit you with too many questions here but I do hope you stick around and read and post some more.  I never understood how beneficial posting on a public forum could be until I came here.  I think I gained so much by posting because it is not your typical board.  People here actually work to understand and improve their situations.

Again, I am happy you found us and I hope you stick around.  We have many other people who have siblings with BPD and we can all relate to having dysfunction affect our lives.  You can also reach out and post in other peoples threads (when you are ready).  There is great benefit in that and you can build a support network of people who understand.  that is something that can be difficult to find in real life. 

PS.  I don't mean to say we have no posters on this board who had false accusations made against them, because we do.  It is just you may get a more immediate response by posting on the board I gave the link to above. 

[Learning2Thrive]

  BugsAndSlugs,

Congratulations on your wedding!

I want to join Harri in welcoming you. I don’t have anything to add to addressing your current situation and concern about a possible investigation. Harri has made a good suggestion in posting to the other board.

In the meantime, please take time to look around and check out the resources and helpful techniques available by clicking on the TOOLS link in the green bar at the top of the page.

I hope you’ll continue to post and update us if you feel like it. We care.

L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome BugsAndSlugs! 

I want to extend my welcome along with Harri and Learning2Thrive. From what you described, your sister definitely has some concerning behaviors that sound much like a pwBPD. How sad that this came up on your wedding day. Those who suffer with BPD need the spotlight to shine on them no matter who else is in the room. Your wedding day was your wedding day, and I wonder if she struggled to rejoice with you. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this.

I know from some of the postings on the other boards that it is not uncommon for false accusations to be made by a pwBPD. Others here have gone through it as well. I'm sure that you will find some helpful advice from them.

When you are ready and feel up to it, please share more about your relationship with your sister. We are family here and good listeners.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

What a way to put attention on her on your wedding day   is the family member from your family or your spouses? I'm guessing yours.

If she made a report, it will be investigated. It's hard to say where it may go from there.  The family member will be interviewed as will the child and any siblings. How well do you know the kid or kids?

How long before has your sister exhibited traits of BPD?

[zachira]

You are wondering about how it is all going to play out now that your sister has made some terrible accusations, which she choose to do at your wedding of all places. Let me first say, I am so sorry that this happened at your wedding, and hoping that in spite of this, you still were able to enjoy your wedding.
As far as the accusations go, nothing will happen legally unless the children are still minors and there is a report to CPS, or the children are adults and a crime has been committed within the statue of limitations.
You are now dealing with how to go forward, and it is not easy. Many of us on this Board and website have family members with BPD, and have endured the heartbreak and turmoil of false accusations by family members who have BPD. We are here to listen and support you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Panda39]

Hi BugsAndSlugs,

Has anything progressed in terms of the allegations?  Any investigation?  

I agree with the others folks with BPD can make False Allegations.  My significant other (SO) experienced this during his divorce from his undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw). (He had Parental Alienation going on at the same time)

He had visitation with his daughters, he was on the phone with his ex who he got frustrated with and when he hung up he threw his phone into the couch in disgust.

The story morphed between mom and their daughters and escalated from... .

Throwing the phone into the couch, to throwing the phone and shattering it against the wall, to throwing the phone at the girls, to not letting the girls use the phone to call their mother, to not letting the girls leave their father's home.  Except for throwing the phone into the couch none of this ever happened and obviously mom wasn't even there.

My SO was cut off from his children by his wife, and was summoned to court.  On the appointed day his "Oh so concerned" ex did not even come to court.  She was "ill" and couldn't be there. (In reality she was out having a mani/pedi with their youngest daughter). He brought his in tact phone, answered everyone's questions, and in the end the charge was dropped and he was ordered to see a Therapist for "anger management".  He didn't have anger issues his Therapist saw this early on, but the Therapy turned out to be a really good thing for him.  He was able to have an outside/neutral person to talk to, and to have someone help him with his children and the parental alienation.

All I can say is produce any evidence that refutes the charges... .I would imagine at a wedding there were lots of people who saw your relative that day and the kids.  Try and create a timeline and witnesses.

Panda39

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi BugsAndSlugs,

It’s been about a week since you posted. How are you doing? Have things settled down?

I hope you’ll pop in and update us when you have a chance if you feel like it. We care and we understand how frustrating this situation is for you. Life with disordered family members is very challenging.

We’re here to listen and support you.

  L2T