She used to be an Enigma...shes boring now

[Cromwell]

Just like Greece used to be the most culturally and intellectually advanced nation in the world, nowadays its crummy. Civlisations rise and fall.

My ex I think part of what kept me with her was how perplexed and fascinated I was by her incongruent bizarre behaviour. When you add being fascinated by a person inline with the attractiveness and emotional aspects, it is another strong pull.

Its gone now though, I find after so much ive learned, articles read, forums, videos, there is no enigma and when I extrapolate from so many other posts, there wasnt anything particularly special about what I went through - it becomes so repetitive to read the same experiences that it becomes dull.

I was just another entrant into the BPD experience programme. But thats okay.

What ive learned afterwards is that, take away the mystery and mystique, let those emotions ebb away to a healthy baseline and she is just an attractive ex (which is also fading with the sands of time, alcohol, drug and over consumption of trans-fats).

Theres not much left to pine about anymore.

One of the other members here I think Mutt said he outgrew his ex, I think thats an important perspective for my detachment, if I hadnt learned as much as I have had, the enticement to recycle based on my own curiosity has been removed. I never thought id ever be bored with my ex but even the brief reconnection I made was just observing scripted mannerisms that I now have a framework to make sense of, where before I was overwhelmed by the apparent bizareness of it all. Nothing is bizarre, and everything makes sense, you just have to analyze it all the way down to its component parts.

So there is a place to do BPD research, until reach a sort of saturation point.

Id avoid a lot of the youtube stuff though it seemed quite low yield watch out for stuff like I heard "a borderline loves you five times as much as a normal person", stuff like that is not helpful imo, but written by someone with a phd, no disrespect intended but I dont know what side of a cereal box he got that coupon to send for it from. There is a lot of stuff out there that will - and did - set back my progress. I wouldnt have fallen for it if I hadnt been seeking this information in an already emotionally-fragile-vulnerable state, so just be aware if you are in that mode, it can make more susceptible to picking out unhelpful advice.

[Harley Quinn]

Crom are you saying you don't think she loved you, or that you don't think she experiences her emotions in an extreme way?

Love and light x

[Cromwell]

I have detached, my ex loved me but in the toxic role play variant she picked up from her parents... Her version of love, not mine. Theres not much if anything to add to that as for extreme emotions, id equate them to childish tantrums, that seem extreme if witnessing it from an adult, normal from a child, not inherently extreme.

Harley Quinn, my ex was "just a chav" you dont need to go through tomes of erudite written psychology books to come to that answer, what I did need to question myself is why I made it all so overly complicated to begin with. Therein lies the root of the problem of getting towards detachment, there is a monumental volume of explanations out there that has spanned a whole industry - the answers are there only if you convince yourself you believe them to be accurate, nothing more.

The questions just keep dragged down into quick sand, it would be just as easy to answer your question picking a daisy chain saying "she loves me, she loves me not" than consult any one elses opinion.

there is no enigma more than what we construct one ourselves. Keep it simple is what is finally working, ive had to go way backwards to exhume the answers that I had originally formed way back but repressed and began later a circular windy route to find something more palatable when often the most accurate stared us in the face long ago, just didnt want to believe it.

beyond my ex being difficult to understand, or a complex individual - skilled manipulator who could 'dupe' everyone, she didnt dupe me into anything as much as that I had duped myself into believing what I wanted to believe rather than what was painfully obvious. I was emotionally vulnerable at the time - im not now - I guess its why I dont dupe myself so easily from so called experts on the subject. The real answers were there from the start, there is no need to add layers of different perspectives on top, ultimately and preferably - is the practical realisation that life has to go on, who cares it was an unsuitable match, it was an abusive relationship, I should have walked away years prior - I didnt and faced the consequences of my decision.

Her loving me or wether she has extreme emotions makes not an iota of difference towards detaching - its exactly these sorts of questions that my post is about - they prolong and stagnate recovery, rather than move on. They fill our heads with clouded thinking towards answers that are based inherently on guess work - for a person that shouldnt even be in our lives anymore. I dont see any value in it, its keeping a connection open by being actively involved in some sort of academic research. That might be benefical for say, the BPD industry writing books on the subject and needing a market to consume them - or the youtubers, not very useful for me or I suspect others getting foward with their lives which involves simply not living in the past anymore.

[Husband321]

I agree.  And this is an important point to letting go.

My ex tried to reconnect a few times before this summer started. And I found myself to be absolutely bored with any conversation I had with her. It was no longer interesting.  Or a puzzle to figure out. I saw it for what it is. Just desperation. Lies. Nonsense that has no rhyme or reason, other than being someone for her to reach out to if she finds herself alone for a moment.

The last time we spoke it was her mom that was the cause of her life problems. And older sister. And Now her younger sister was painted white. These sort of conversations used to be somewhat interesting when I was sucked in. Now I see it for what it is. Just total nonsense based on her momentary emotions that change daily. Sometimes hourly. 

It's just boring to be with someone who spends their days making grand promises and future plans, but could never follow through with any of them.

[Roler]

When I came to this forum, initially the information and all the posts helped me in that I could see that the person I had been involved with, shared traits in a similar way partners described here by many, that the ways we had been interacting weren't 'just us', weren't unique. Me too had been searching, seen youtubes and many infosites and the likes. THe bpdfamily seemed to have a more thorough and reliable base in providing information, as were the postst in the many many threads I went through before posting myself. From that point of view it helped me find some understanding.

But along the way, reading and analysing, trying the find explanations and answers, it also started to show me just as much about me as it showed about her (therapy sure aids in this aspect). About why it was that we had bonded the way we did, why it was that we 'shared' so much, so quickly and so deeply, and maybe I should add unfortunately here: showed me that what I experienced with her was unique for me, but how she had been with me showed to be less unique. I wasn't unique for her.

Now that I have been able to distance myself more from my r/s with her, I can see that what she meant to me, has even more do to with myself than I could see, or could have admitted to. She was excellent in being a person for me I wanted her to be without realising she could mirror my needs and flawlessly became a person I was willing to be dragged along with. Thats how I eventually nearly completely lost myself. She filled a void in myself, that I didnt even had recognised had grown within over time, and rather than trying to see it that way, I thought this was it, this was the person that felt me like no one else. Yes, the  word fascinating or intriguing would come to mind. Add falling deeply in love and have all your feelings  answered the same in return, and you find yourself in a perfect illusion without escape.  My T said the other day to give myself some credit; she is extremely good (partly likely not even consciously) in being or becoming that person that connects with you in the most prefect way. At that time. You shouldtn blame yourself for not seeing, or not seeing beyond it, in that time. Being in love (in my case) was genuine and very intense, and I also see (now) how it can make blind. Describing my ex to my T (as well as talking about it with my wife) and how we were together, makes me wonder how I could have ever seen something in my ex. And I must admit, so do I start to see it now too. But that is now. Now I'm starting to be able to see things more outside the overwhelming love that played it's role, more in the light how it was my part equally to be open for it in the first place.  Much like you Cromwell, I was in a vulnerable susceptible state, but I hadn't realised it. I was aware of being unhappy, but I couldnt change the circumstances behind that at the time. It opened myself up to become a person I thought I'd never be; someone who would start an affair (but thats for another thread on its own).

How I see it now? Having learned and read up so far, I feel a weird emptyness. It gave me some answers, but always elect more questions. Questions that will be unanswered,. She felt unique to me, and I probably have been for here in some way. But not as unique as I hoped. Especially not unique, was the way she bonded with me and I think that is what bites me most, or at least in the past few days again after starting to read your thread. I think it has to do with the image I had from myself, before I realised my void: a person who could withstand the pull of the Sirens. Who could recognise the play he was becoming part of and take a hard look at himself and stop it right there and then. I dont blame her for how I feel today, or that she "hauled me in". It takes two to... .well, tango would be an understatement.  I am honest enough about my part and how we got involved. It just went too deep, too quickly and despite us being both on the same page (at the start of our interaction) with not wanting to be involved with a married person and not wanting to go astray, it happened. And with indescribable intensity.

Me too, another entrant in the BPD traits experience, that is somewhat similar as the start of my first post here. And also the affair experience. Knowing now in hindsight ( which I ignored against better knowing): both of them will have unhappy endings. But like I said: it is starting to show me as much about me if not more, than I have come to learn about her.

Back to you:
Yes, the saturation point is something I recognise. Even reading here, sometimes reading stories that are way way worse than mine, can help me but also at times keep me stuck and make me think back about a lot of things, again. With so many questions (to ask her) and knowing they will be left unanswered. I see how you mean that you can get stuck, and you are right, in the end maybe it was just that and we need to move on. Whatever helps.