whiplashed_mom,
Have you had a chance to look at the link Panda shared? If not, I encourage you to do so. I just perused the page again and it brought back so many memories of when I was finally strong enough to endure the break up of my BPD romantic relationship.
Once you open the link, scroll down to this section if you really want to understand why your son is stuck (I’ll provide a quote here):
Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck
Breaking up with a “BPD” partner is often difficult because we do not have a valid understanding of the disorder or our part in the “loaded” relationship bond. As a result we often misinterpret our partners' actions and some of our own. Many of us struggle with some of the following false beliefs.
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
We often believe that our “BPD” partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special. You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes. You will also come to realize that someone coming out of an extended intense and traumatic relationship is often depressed and can not see things clearly. You may feel anxious, confused, and you may be ruminating about your BPD partner. All of this distorts your perception of reality. You may even be indulging in substance abuse to cope.
I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. It is so difficult to know our (adult) child is caught up in the dysfunction and choosing to abide in it. It’s hard not to want to (or try to) save them.
I very much like
Panda’s idea of starting a journal for your son. One day, if/when he decides to break free, that journal may be a priceless gift of support that will help keep him focused. In the meantime, it may help you by providing a positive outlet for your love for him.
Additionally, I encourage you to keep reading and posting here. We are a family and you fit well on this board. Sharing and supporting each other with healthy compassion and sense of community makes us a stronger, healthier family.
Sending you love, gentle hugs and smiles. I hope your pain eases and you’re able to do something especially compassionate and kind for yourself today.
L2T
