Going to counseling with a wife who I think has BPD. First try failed.

[k54]

Hi there. I found this old thread in another space about counseling:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=117485.0

I thought it could work over here. Here are my thoughts. I'd be interested to hear from others:

I would say MT was a total unmitigated disaster and it has put my marriage on the brink of divorce. I have twin six year old boys so the consequences are not limited to me and my SO either.

I went to counseling with my wife after she attacked me during a fight. I asked her to seek counseling. She made a phone call, after which she decided based on that phone call that she was being emotionally abused. Soon after that she had a panic attack.

I was pretty depressed at this time due to a stressful job transition and our relationship troubles.

We went to counseling and our marriage counselor emphasized that we learn how to really listen to each other and really speak our truth. Quickly everything was based on my depression. We would make agreements in counseling and she would fail to follow them. When I tried to make her accountable, I was belittled. Sometimes the counselor failed to hold her accountable after promising to do so. I became distraught in counseling several times and the MT would belittle me and admonish me. Several friends of mine questioned me about our counselor, but I stayed committed to our process, until one day my wife declared, "I don't want to work on it anymore," as though she had ever wanted to work on it. I din't know about BPD at that point and was very confused. I was taking responsibility for everything.

My individual counselor has been good at helping me get my bearings these last few months. I have also read some good books about separation and BPD. I have worked to create a pretty peaceful home life, but its still pretty rough. I think our MT helped devalue me to the point that I don't know if my marriage will ever recover.

Recently though she has agreed to go to counseling with me again. She has been asking to go to mediation, and I have been resisting, but I got her to agree to go to counseling as a precursor to mediation. I will try hard to find a good counselor. Would appreciate any tips. Its interesting that she says she is frustrated that I wont agree to mediation but is relying on me to set things up. Totally typical.

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[pearlsw]

Hi k54,

I'm sure other members will come along with better tips than I have about counseling. From all I read here I gather that marriage counseling is not necessarily the right thing for someone with BPD, but I think it is always good to remember that not all people with BPD are the same. I personally would not do it in the present version of my relationship because his emotions are simply too much for me and I afraid counseling would make him more unstable. I would even be afraid for him to have counseling, unless he was really with someone who gets what BPD/BPD traits are like because I don't see the merit in him digging into the depths of his emotions like regular therapy could do.

I think you are smart to, as we say, put on your own oxygen mask first and get counseling for yourself. I remind myself that professionals need therapists when they have BPD clients, so it is no wonder we would as well.

wishing you the best & looking forward to hearing from others, pearl.

[braveSun]

I think you are smart to, as we say, put on your own oxygen mask first and get counseling for yourself. I remind myself that professionals need therapists when they have BPD clients, so it is no wonder we would as well.

I think so too. I have tried some form of mediation with a friend counselor who's very skilled at this type of work. It didn't go passed the second session and my spouse took the floor before I had my turn to speak. It was extremely frustrating. I don't blame the counselor friend. She really did her best. I had thought my spouse would at least want to listen to her friend with professional experience. Sadly it didn't work out. And later down the road, I stopped discussing my fears and concerns with her friend because I saw that she wanted to help us, but primarily she wanted to support her friend, my spouse.

I did have a therapist for about a year. It did help me tremendously to sort out my own feelings and to learn to get out of the rolling discourse about her behavior. I needed so badly to be heard and seen. My spouse did not like me to go to my own T however. She tried to disengage in all common activities we had said we'd do which would support me going to therapy (like driving to the city on same days as appointments). It's been a difficult experience for me.

I hear that my spouse fears that a complete stranger (therapist) will not know how it's like inside of her. That basically they won't *get her*. She feels mainly threatened. There is no amount of reassuring nor arguments I could come up with that would help her see the healing potential of it.

Now I don't wish for the MC any longer. I sincerely wish for her to get some form of helpful therapy. And for me to continue mine for myself later, when I can afford it again.

Even if it's only a few sessions/semester, it still makes a big difference if you can find the right professional for you. I'd make sure like pearlsw says, to get someone who understands BPD traits and how they can affect their partners.

Brave

[isilme]

Counseling is dicey, especially BPD is so hard to pin down when you only interact in short segments.  Since it mostly affects those closest to the person, in intimate, close, contact day in day out, and can creep up on you, and since part of BPD is having a "public face" to present to hide the turmoil inside, it's very easy for a counselor to miss.  we all know how convincing and charming they can be - and it IS part of who they are, so it's not really artifice, it's just a part we see less of as we become the conduit by which they process painful feelings.

It's very easy and common, it seems, for the non to become the blame for everything during counseling sessions.  You have been trained about proper behavior in front of strangers, ways to act when a disagreement is happening but you don't want the world to see it, or a full meltdown to happen.  I wonder if this might apply as well in a counseling session, where the taboo of speaking openly (like you can do here) is still active.  If the pwBPD makes the first volley, it's hard for you to recover from that and gain equal footing.

I think maybe if you both saw the MT separately, then together, maybe it would help.  maybe. 

Go to individual counseling, work on you, making yourself stronger.  Also, go to counseling to strengthen a case that you are the one working on things, she is not.  I tend to caution men that they need a stronger plan to retain custody and to protect their images should any attempt at divorce be made.  You may consider having a quick chat with an attorney, not to start anything, but to ask what you can do to protect your assets and your kids, if your wife's instability gets the best of her.

As you work on you, you will be making some changes to how you react to her.  This, in turn, forces her to re-work how she approaches things.  It sounds strange, but I found as I worked on my codependent actions, I triggered H less, and he, well, behaved more?  I am not saying I was the blame, but my normal inclinations would pour gas on the fire.  Once I got a few in hand (still a work in progress), the fires were less often, and less explosive.  And we have NEVER gone to any counseling.  I honestly don't quite trust it fully, having been forced into it as a teen by my BPD dad, who wanted the T to dish out what I'd said in his session, later.  I calmed up, and found ways to simply talk about TV.