My daughter is facing her eating disorder

[wendydarling]

Hi 

I've not spoken much about my daughters eating disorder here on the forum, it was just one in a long, long list of disorders when she was diagnosed BPD 3 years ago, totally overwhelming, you get the picture. A disorder since she was 15, next month she is 30. At 18 she sought help and was referred to the local hospital outpatient eating disorder clinic, she left after a year saying it was not helping ... .Late last year after discharge from 14 months of outpatient DBT she shared with me her eating disorder was next on her list, she'd been painfully thin these last years and I often worried it'd take a further hold. As she says it's only taken her 15 years to finally let go of her skinny clothes last month. Massive deal in eating disorder recovery. Massive. Huge. Just as big as her body now, she says. She is beautiful and looks healthy and seems happier! There is an ooze of confidence in her step.

At this time she's walking home from her last of 4 therapy sessions she's had with the NHS since last September when she was discharged from DBT, 4 sessions over nearly a year. It's a big deal, I know she'll feel alone and she'll be struggling   Her therapist sent her some info last month, about a  network of therapists at reduced rates for those not working and a free DBT 20 week course, again for those not working. DD says there is so much online DBT to help her keep her skills up and she has her twitter account where they all support each other, vent, talk about BPD, DBT ... .like we do here. I've offered to pay for therapy (till she's working) if she can't find a therapist she wants to work with through the network, some are students and that may, may not suit.

My latest posts were about her getting back to work, the waiting game of her taking action which has been my modus operandi over these last 3 years. Yes she's terrified. It's been a revelation for me her facing her eating disorder these last months, I know many will relate it's hard to know when to share progress, is it temporary, is it too soon, is this for real. From my perspective DBT has been a gift for her, as has getting the meds right.

Blaise Aguirre got her on the road to DBT, she read 'Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder: Relieve Your Suffering Using the Core Skill of Dialectical Behavior Therapy' after she was diagnosed and she promotes his book three years on for those who're looking to read a helpful book minus the stigma, she recommends check it out. I'd love for her to meet him one day.

Three years ago she was in and out of hospital, and today, things can get better.

Hope

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Thanks WDx,

  It's always so nice to hear when someone has HOPE. We all here know that change comes hard, and when something has the ring of positive to it      we all jump for joy with you. I can clearly remember how sad and upset I was when my D had a meltdown after 4 months of calm. Everyone here rallied around me, said it happens and encouraged me to share all the small things. You are so right, no mater how long the positive lasts (even its only a fleeting moment) we need to share them with each other and rejoice over them.    I hope more for you WDx.

[Lollypop]

 

Three years ago she was in and out of hospital, and today, things can get better.

Proof is in the pudding!

I read another thread this morning about a new kind of triangle - the thought that we can place their problems in each of the three angles.  Like “treatment”, “drugs”.  It strikes me that sometimes we may need overlaying triangles as the complexity and number of problems are immense!

If only life was simple!  Your daughter is in THE best place she can be to tackle her eating disorder - step by step.  I’m laughing at this amazing skill set she’s gathering on her journey - her tweeting and passion for her own self-healing is immense.  She’s found her “job”, it’s just not a “normal” one.  There’s a way for her on this path she’s on. Please don’t worry WD if you can help it!  I sincerely believe she’s on to something already.

Hugs to you both

LP

[Merlot]

HI WendyDarling

Thanks for sharing, it is great to hear your story.  I'm really happy for you both, your hard work and love is showing.  

I know you have read so many books but in her biography Rachel Reiland shares her journey of anorexia and how her therapy brought about lasting changes.  Have you read this one?

It sounds like things are very positive for you at the moment, as you say, one step at a time - one day at a time.

Merlot

[zachira]

WendyDarling
Glad to hear your daughter has decided to work on her eating disorder, a really huge challenge, which takes a lot of courage to face. She is lucky to have a mother that supports and loves her no matter what her challenges in life are.
I was wondering if you are familiar with the book ":)ialectical Behavioral Therapy for Binge Eating and Bulimia." It is written for clinicians though very readable, and might be a way to incorporate some of the DBT skills your daughter has already learned." I realize your daughter may not have either Binge Eating or Bulimia, though some of the skills in this book could apply to all eating disorders. Thinking of you and your daughter, and hoping for the best.

[Yepanotherone]

Stepping forward WD , oh how your beautiful girl is progressing xxx
Let us know how she gets on with this next challenge . Admittedly I’m watching my beautiful girl’s weight carefully . She’s definitely bordering on use of food as a control and has lost a lot of weight .
I’m not bringing any attention to it yet , just carefully watching .

[Daisy123]

Hi Wendydarling,
You and your daughter are truly amazing. Reading about her journey and the support you’ve given has brought so much hope to me. Your DD’s commitment to healing - wow! She is so brave to face all the unraveling distorts of thought that come with this disease.

My DD20 just realized she has a binge eating disorder while in RTC. She’s put on 30 pounds since January.

Again, it is so important to hear of the victories of our loved ones
Both big and small.

Your DD has worked so hard at recovery- and you have provided a loving and supportive space for that.

Daisy123

[wendydarling]

Can you tell I've been busy   feels like so much has been happening. Thanks everyone for your lovely words of support and encouragement means so much to me. Oh bluek9 hope, hope, without a doubt I'd have gone doolally without hope. Hope helped calm and balance my anxiety during the crisis years, me mindful and present   Let's feel that hope   all together Daisy123   It's great your DD is aware she has been binge eating, did she share with you directly? I wonder what else she's learnt about herself at RTC. Small steps.

I've not read that zachira thanks for the helpful pointer. I have read DBT can provide results in some cases for bulimia nervosa and binge eating, less so anorexia. My DD suffers bulimia nervosa. Thanks Merlot, I've not read Rachel Reiland's biography, it's now on my list and it's interesting to hear what you've been working your way through! I'm very aware some books, eg I hate you don't leave me my DD finds highly invalidating for her, it's disappeared, likely recycled. Yep my experience is DD is ticking one thing   off at a time, I'm not sure if there are any general patterns to the order and why ... .how's your DD is she still managing, resisting cutting?  I do know my DD tended to focus on one thing at a time and firmly be in control of that eg cutting before addressing the next. Makes sense. I also noticed as you describe if they're tackling one thing others take centre stage for a while, we've had sleep, new one earlier this year was face picking   which thank goodness has passed and I think may have passed with her facing her eating disorder as she's now taking care of her appearance, bought new clothes etc for the heatwave we are having here in the UK. She came to the hair dresser with me a couple of weeks ago (unheard of, my treat) to have all her split ends cut and treated. LP the proof is in the pudding! It was loveandcare describing her triangle, that's bang on for me and as you say overlying triangles for co-morbid, complexity. I've decided this summer is DD's summer to do with what she wants. She's having so much fun, with the weather it's like being on a permanent holiday in the Mediterranean. Though she was treated to a week in Spain in July, 30th birthday present from her friend whose been an absolute rock star through all of this. Last Monday I had kitchen designers visit and I gave DD total control of choosing everything within my budget of course, I didn't announce I was going to give her full rein, it just naturally happened. She hit it off with the young designer similar age to DD, it was wonderful to watch and listen. So yes it's officially the summer of fun of the decade.

You'll love this one, not  DD's former employer invited her to a gig they were promoting, she's not seen him for a year. He commented on her weight gain, wow you've put on a lot of weight... .which of course set her off … she exited quickly and rang a friend in tears who talked her through. I'm glad she shared with me as she followed it up by saying that's exactly what her Dad will say, it's a number of months since she's visited him. Sigh, put your teflon on my sensitive person. So to follow up on work she's taken 5 days work with said former employer at a festival. A 5 hour journey in the car with him yesterday …. she went armed with Matt Haig's latest book Notes on a nervous planet (can't wait to borrow) and knitting to help calm herself.

So where am I?  Oh yes, DD went to see the psychiatrist week ago today. He reconfirmed she has an overlap of disorders; bipolar, BPD and psychosis, um bipolar, she's been wondering about bipolar as she can't recall this was ever included in her diagnosis at any point, seems like she's on catch up with that. The struggle is actually real and not all in her head, despite it is in her head, if you get my drift. Since discharge from the services last week, she's been given the power to control her medication intake. So when her symptoms are really off the chart, she can up her quetiapine to 400mg, but when she start to feel episodes where her mood drops and she becomes numb, she can reduce to 100mg. Same goes with her citalopram and propana. Very scary doing it on her own now but as she says heyho life... .It’s a full time job her managing her mental health, swear down.

She's going solo. Breathe WD.

Your DD’s commitment to healing - wow! She is so brave to face all the unraveling distorts of thought that come with this disease.

Thank you Daisy, this is it for my DD, you have a deep understanding, my DD will be nodding with you and we'll be spurring you and your young daughter on!

Two weeks till she hits 30, she's entering her next decade in better shape than she entered her last!

I can't write anymore right now, I need to go be mindfully non BPD thinking, come join me.  


WDx

[wendydarling]

PS: facing her eating disorder coincided with DD becoming vegan after a weekend fest when I was away, of watching documentaries that give you the reasons whys to, veganism. I believe this has really helped her, she's had to work hard at balancing her diet, cook new dishes (lucky me, yummy!), purchasing new ingredients and products, and a brand new community out there to engage with, she's not alone etc. This is self care. 

[Huat]

Hello Wendydarling

I'm smiling as I read your latest posts. 

You are so active on this forum, reaching out so quickly and so often to those who are in need of comfort... .all the while facing and dealing with the problems/hurdles in your own daughter's life.

Kudos and many pats-on-the-back to your daughter as she works very hard to overcome her illnesses.

Thank you for sharing this latest, optimistic segment in the journey you are taking with her.
 
Huat

[wendydarling]

Oh Huat I'm glad you are smiling   as I was smiling writing.  I'm feeling some relief for now I've stepped down from my worry step about her getting back to work these last months, her struggling to know what to do, do it, take some action... .that's what she should be doing right now... .Er Nope, I have to remind myself she's suffered 3 degree burns of BPD, bipolar, psychosis et al and is still finding HER way to cope each day, in HER own time. Thank you for your kindness Huat, yes I am committed to this forum, you've all helped me get where I am, and I'm forever grateful to you, all parents and bpdfamily. That's what a support group is, a community of members, giving back as and when we can. And you do Huat as a senior member here, provide relief for members and newbies sharing your experiences. Huat when you share bpdfamily did not exist when you were a younger mother resonates and reminds me how fortunate I am today and how fortunate we are you found your way to be here are here with us  .

I do have good news, DD called last evening and shared how she was coping at the festival she's working at with her former employer. We spoke for 30 mins. DD feels grounded (not like 2 yrs ago, she came back in a mess  ) that she can see by observing some people really struggling like she was/can and others healthy. Wow, wow. She's not jumped in the soup. There was an Australian band and she talked with one of the older members, who shared their younger lead was out of control, what's ahead is difficult. They shared their mental health experiences, challenges  

Well! DD also shared back in June
~ she forgot to take her meds for 3 days, not intentional
~ she felt good, lots more energy
~ she was off meds for a month  
~ till she felt touch of pyschosis

DD shared with her two friends independently, one said that's good, see how it goes, other (who is on meds) - said oh no, not a great way suddenly stopping meds.

A whole month off, she went back on her meds. And I think that maybe why the psychiatrist has given her the recent advice how to self manage her meds by how she feels.

New one on me, I'm still learning! Again  

Change of heart, DD did call up the place that does a DBT course recommended to her before her discharge from mental health services. Being honest about her current situation in recovery got her no where since they only take on ‘High Risk Applicants’.  A couple of days later they called her back and said they did have a refresher group she could join …... they want to learn from this new group. Interesting.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Here's my brief update.

DD had a 2 hour assessment and has been accepted at the charity for 20 weekly DBT skills group session, even though you have to be under the age of 30 (they focus on young children, teens and young adults), they slipped her in, she turned 30 a couple of weeks ago.    She's relieved as she feels she is slipping at the moment. It's an interesting charity, a holistic family approach, from complimentary therapies, life coaching, a wellbeing centre, library, lectures, events ... .… a place where you can become a member, a volunteer... .Not far from my office. First session is next week.  Meanwhile no progress on her finding a therapist, yet.

DD held her 30th birthday party at home in the garden.  It was quite overwhelming to see all the many people, DD's friends from her 30 yrs and mine who have been there supporting us through the BPD nightmare since 2015, all together in one place, there was a lot of love in the air, it felt like a celebratory recovery party, it was!  A number of her friends shared with me how brave and how well they felt DD was doing facing her eating disorder. That was good to hear.

The following day she was overwhelmed, dysregulating, feelings of guilt not spending enough time with some etc. It was days of preparatory work and she did the most, the whole house and garden was full of banners and fairy lights... .She sat with me in the lounge, in floods of tears, anxious, exhausted …. I watched her regulate, she talked to herself as she used her skills breathing, focusing on the moment, sitting with her feelings, accept her feelings, this will pass. It did. 

I've bought a load more books, I hope in time DD will be interested to read some of them, she may find them helpful.