Now he wants to just be friends...what to answer?

[blackorchid]

My boyfriend walked out 3 weeks ago this Saturday. Since then he has blocked me everywhere.

Last night. He unblocked me on WhatsApp to say the landlord has called and wants to know if I’m renewing the contract. I’m dubious as to if this is true or not. As I have spoke nto the landlord a month ago to say we will be renewing the lease... .

Since he left he has only unblocked me to talk about bills... . 


I responded saying of course I’m staying here, where could I move to without you? Tomorrow it’s Daisy’s birthday, if you want to come and see her. I have transferred you the money for the bills. Could we talk?

(Daisy is our dog and normally every year I make a cake and we have a “family photo”)

He responded. I’m talking about the house. I’m not talking about us.  We can be friends but nothing else. You need to believe that. You haven’t believed it but I have left you. Sorry but I don’t want you. If you disturb me I will block you again.


I haven’t responded yet


He has changed his WhatsApp photo to a pathetically childish one that someone sent me that he hs put on Instagram too. It’s a white T-shirt with a pocket on the chest. Inside the pocket you can see a printed heart poking out and written on the pocket is “ no space for ex-lovers”.

It’s so embarrassing. So many people have told me about it. I think it’s pathetic that he can message me and he knows that I can see that photo. Or is that the point? To provoke me? 

Any thoughts on how to proceed? What to reply?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi blackorchid,

I am so sorry to hear this. That sounds very annoying/embarrassing. My SO broke up with me this week too, it's in the hundreds of times that this has happened. He told me not to write him or contact him at all, but in his case I know he wants me to deep down. It's pretty annoying and hurtful, but I am not feeling devastated as I know his patterns. Sure, it feels like a real breakup, like always, and it might take, who knows, but I am keeping myself busy and just living my life. I forwarded something to him via email regarding a small task he was supposed to do regarding my train ticket stuff, but he is ignoring it so far. I expect he may threaten not to do it just to punish me. At some point I expect him to soften, but who knows, he might not. He is with his kids, his family, and if he is commiserating with them, which I wouldn't put past him, they will help harden his thoughts against me.

Oh well.

If you do contact him I think it is just best to be pleasant, but not begging for him to come back... .His feelings are going to fluctuate. Perhaps other people, and his own brain, have completely painted you black. Three weeks of this and him not talking to you I think just hardens him against you. Out of sight, out of mind, unfortunately.

He likely thinks he is sending a message by treating you in this way - to stay away from him.

For what other reasons do you need to be in contact? Are there any outstanding financial issues? Does he want some contact to the pet?

with compassion, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Hey Blackorchid,

did you decide to contact your ex?

Please keep us updated

[blackorchid]

hi Sorry for going AWOL ive found it too hard to cope this week without him.  Its been our 13th anniversary and my birthday.  He sent me three happy birthday messages but all followed with various versions of its over and you lost your chances.

The last message was ended with if you talk about us I will block you again. Believe it with have finished and you dont have another chance. Bye.  And I havent replied.

In a couple of the messages he spoke about watching our dog when I go to visit my mum. But before I even responded he said he changed his mind as i only want to control him... .That is now the reason he has left (which is new)

I think he is spiralling out of control. I dont think that his new surroundings are helping him to return to baseline.  He is living in a hotel surrounded by parties and tourists. His new best friend is a 15 year old work experience kid. He is 34.  He has been giving away his priceless possesions to him and other new "friends" he is now working with.  Items that he holds dear to his heart and wanted to give to our future children so that they would know and see their dads history.

Im not sure but I think he has split his friends too.  His real old friends that is.  On his day off he went to his old city for the day (an hour away) but didnt tell his best friends that he was going or make any attempt to see them.  and they are annoyed by it now. Especially as one is a twin... .hes best friends with one but not really friends with the other.  He visited the one hes not friends with obviously knowing that his best friend would find out from his twin... .i have no idea what he has done that for.

my mum is now getting worried about him  she says on his social media posts (they follow each other) that he just doesnt look "right" or "healthy" or "normal" and that the way he holds his facial muscles has changed completly.

i also get the feeling that he has had a kind of fall out with his family as they have been deleted from his instagram highlights... .

[pearlsw]

Hi blackorchid,

This does indeed sound concerning. You have a long history with him and I would not take a sudden break like this well myself.

I think you are right that is important to be careful what you say to him.

I am not a professional, just another member like you, but one thing I have done with my SO since I recognized that he has a mental illness, and can behave pretty badly at times, is let him know he is always safe to talk to me, can always come back. I know you likely don't have such a thing established, but I wonder if in the times you do send messages you'd say something like that. Let him know "Sorry you are having a hard time. I hear that you want to be apart. I am here to talk when/if you feel ready and need emotional support."

In my SO's case, I think knowing he could come back to me helped him. But also in my case, he is VERY attached to me. He is also sometimes self-aware and can be apologetic.

Will the ownership of the dog be an issue between you? Would he possibly want to come visit the dog? Could he be trusted to just visit, but not take it without your permission?

I know it is scary to wonder if he is taking proper care of himself. Does he have a history of self-harm or suicidal ideation?

take care, pearl.

[ziasquinn3000]

Hey Blackorchid,

Wow, this sounds like some scary stuff. I'm just a member figuring out my own stuff and currently going through some big stuff as well and this really resonated with me! My wife has walked out on me twice. Each time she has the "facial muscles have completely changed" look. The soul-less look. And the embarrassing pictures she posts to social media. This is a time they are hurting most and no doubt you too. I would echo what Pearl says about letting him know you respect that he wants to be apart AND if he wants to talk about anything you would like that. He no doubt will bring up there's nothing to talk about "us" or something along those lines. Try talking about anything but "us" unless he initiates it, he did ask very clearly it seems because he says "if you talk about us I will block you again" AND if you look closely, it seems like an opening to be able to talk about other things which is great compared to 3 weeks of radio silence! Take the wins when you can, right?

It'll take him a while to come around and if he knows you're "still around" he'll eventually warm up as long as you don't smother him and let him lead the conversations (tho as pearl said, this works for VERY attached persons). Let him know that it really means a lot to you that he would want to talk to you in that way (he might not know that). Be careful - it goes both ways though and you don't want to become an emotional punching bag, if he wants to talk, while you can still support him in it, it needs to be a back and forth conversation. If during those conversations he initiates talking about "us" do not be so hasty to take him for his word as it is probably bait since he feels so strongly about not talking about "us" and deep down he knows it means a lot to you, so when you do have "normal" conversations with him it will seem like you are not super into him or care about him since "us" is so important to you and you aren't talking about it at all, so he might use it to get you more emotionally invested into the conversation and give himself a sense of control in those conversations. Definitely use this opportunity tho to try and talk about "us" if he mentions it. Make sure to ask and listen listen listen first when he brings up "us". Continue to listen and reflect back at him. Then if he asks you to contribute to the "us" conversation use S.E.T. first to make sure he is regulated enough to have those talks. If he escalates based off the Truth part, he's probably not ready yet. This skill helped me a ton getting through moments like these, where my wife would say there's no chance, no way no how! And then she would start talking about it! https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

My wife would also always change the reasons why she left. Don't argue about it or point out the inconsistencies. Validate it. Validation does not mean you agree with it, you want to find the root emotion of why someone would say what they just said and let them know you recognize they are feeling that emotion. My wife used to always tell me that I tried controlling her all the time. Just let him know that has to feel awful and scared thinking the person he's supposed to trust controls him then remind him you do the best you can with how you know how to and will continue to do so. Make it "broad" statements if you have to get your version of reality that contradicts his into it.

Wish you the best!

[blackorchid]

Hi Pearl, Thank you, as ever, for replying.

I think that he is normally very attached to me.  i think that deep down he knows that he can return because ater previous episodes he has said that he can always return. As it was our anniversary and I had bought the gift months before I sent it to him with a note. He had messaged me on the day before asking me to post something that he had forgotten so I took that as a sign from who knows what and sent the gift.  Inside I also put his house keys. When he had got in touch for that he asked me if my family were here.  I said no. and asked why. He said that he saw something on Instagram (my sister stayed a night before going to the hotel and put a photo  of our dog on) but he wasnt asking for any particular reason. He then said good night i will sleep bye. So I left it. To me I felt like maybe he wanted to come but wouldnt if my family was here but this was a week ago now so maybe i was just clutcing at something that wasnt there?

When he received the gift he messaged me saying why did you buy me something and send it to me? I didnt want anything from you. (It was my bday) happy bday with wishes for the new year... .I will send everything back to you.  I ignored everything and just said thanks for my bday wishes. He replied why did you buy something.  I said I bought it months ago and explained why I had chosen it . He siad yes but I didnt want it from you. How much was it, I will send you the money or if you dont want the money I will send them back to you. I ignored that and in the morning just said dont send them back. They were just an anniversary present that i had bought a while back.  He didnt talk about the note inside or the keys... .and that was when he replied if you talk about us again i will block you... .


So he knows he can come back right because I sent the keys... .in the note I said this is your house and home.  Do you think I should still send a message saying something along the lines that you said? I have spent the morning going through my old posts and Im not sure if I just need to go full NC for a while. When i try and reach out to him he pulls further away.  Im at a complete lost.  The longest he has done this was 7 weeks in 2015... .which he broke by coming back to walk the dog (without me so I can trust him with that) and then that turned into a walk with me and slowly we got back on track .  I just have a helpless feeling in the pit of my stomach this time.  Today it is 4 weeks since he left. 


Back in 2008/2009 he was cutting himself so I do worry that he will do that again but I guess while he is on a high with his new found "friends" that that is not going to happen... .at least for now.

[blackorchid]

Hi ziasquinn3000

the soul-less look... .that resonated with me so much. Thats exactly how i would describe him as he packed his bags and when he came back for his other stuff. It really is as if nothing is there isnt it? And I guess that would be what my mum is saying about his eyes on his social media posts.


I like the viewpoint that you see from his last message, I definitely didnt see it from that angle, But I dont know if after almost 3 days of NC there is any point to me breaking the silence or if the silence is helping him to calm down. if that makes any kind of sense?


thank you for your long explanation of how to get into the conversations with him and i will definitely use it and reread everything about SET. Im honestly at a loss for what to do... .to message or leave him alone. 

i hope that everything is ok with your situation.

[ziasquinn3000]

So your question is whether to break silence or not. Well, what is your goal? If your goal is to help him calm down, you have to remember you can't control him and once you realize that you will be more comfortable with choices like these as to whether to message or not. I had this same issue when my wife left and we didn't talk for weeks except for little spurts of messages like "If you talk about us I will block you!". I looked back at it and I had the chances to productively talk with her if I would've looked at them from my wive's perspective. It's hard to in the moment and times like these require us to forego doing "what is right" or "by the book" sometimes. At least that's what worked for me.

"The last message was ended with if you talk about us I will block you again." If that was the last message, I would send him a message as a light-hearted hey. He didn't say you couldn't talk about other stuff. Ask him about his life! He's been gone for almost a month now, you're curious aren't you? However you would approach a friend you wanted to check in on is how I would approach this conversation. I would only do this after you think it's been enough time for him to "calm down". This is what's called a push-pull cycle and my wife did the exact same thing! Another member here mentioned it to me and he was absolutely right. Her cycles were typically a blow up and then 3 days later she would warm up to me and I would "have my chance" to re-engage with her. You have to remember, what is going on in his head is that he only told you not to talk about "us", right now he probably feels super hurt that you wouldn't talk to him at all from his perspective, even as flexible, consciousness and respectful you've been about this whole thing! So if you don't reach out he might message you again and if you reply he might bring that up "why didn't you talk to me? do you hate me?"  At all costs do not say something like "Well you told me you would block me". Just move past that on your end, it's noise to filter that isn't productive to you moving forward, however he might still be stuck on it. That's a good chance to use SET.

Support: I care about you very much and I want you to feel comfortable by having your space.
Empathy: I can see how me not messaging you can make you think I might hate you. I would be really sad too if someone close to me didn't message me like that.
Truth: I wasn't sure if I should message you or not. I was afraid of not doing the right thing and since I didn't know what to do, above all else I wanted to respect you wanting to be apart.

Whatever his reply might be, just listen. Truly listen to his answer. During this process before you guys separate or get back together or anything in between, it requires a lot of listening as the non-pwBPD (Don't be a punching bag tho! Verbal abuse is not OK). And as luck would have it, when someone feels heard, they typically become a million times more receptive to you! When I started listening to my wife all of a sudden the things that I wanted, such as seeing her or talking about our issues, she would be the one to offer those things after I listened to all she had to say. Remember tho, it doesn't always work as perfectly as that. It took several times of me "listening" before breakthroughs were made. Be hopeful but also stay grounded.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. 13 years is a hella of a long time for someone to separate so quickly and insensitively like that with all the blocking.

Thanks for the well-wishes Keep posting here, it helped me a lot through this time! And it helps me with the times that come after!

By the way, was your boyfriend diagnosed with BPD? Has he been in therapy? DBT?

[blackorchid]

thanks for replying so fast ziasquinn3000. really needed it as im not doing so well today.

Honestly? my goal is just for this to all go away and for him to move back home. I feel so lonely. None of my friends here even want to talk about it... right from the start they havent and every day I just feel worse. and my fear is this time his not coming back. 


It's mental isn't it that they can be so similiar... .with your wife saying stuff like that to you to. I hope that you are in a better space with her now. If you dont mind me asking... .did you first engage the conversation with your wife then? Should I just send a normal message or would a SET message be better or do I just do SET as and when i need it if he replies something requiring it?

yep 13 times is a long time and this has happened before.  But as I said it hadnt happened in 2 years and I think thats why its left be feeling so much worse about it.

I live in Turkey so its not really a thing here to get therapy or mental health support so he's not diagnosed. He had a small dysregulation back in February and he went to see a psychiatrist , she said he had depression ( he had a tough year- he was a pro footballer and tore his ACL in august 16 and had surgery was out for the season , went back last year but it went again and has been unemployed sept 17 until may this year... .Im not sure if somehow the change from unemployed to work has spurred this too). She also just said he has issues controlling his anger and emotions and gave him some pills.  He was using them and stopped at the beginning of May (again not sure if that affected him to have a massive episode).

[ziasquinn3000]

No problem, I'm glad to help as best I can

I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you tried reaching out to a friend lately? Maybe when you talk to your friends focus on yourself a bit more than the relationship, most people don't want to play therapist and from what you said it sounds like mental health isn't a big thing in Turkey. Feeling so lonely is a terrible feeling and while our SOs can contribute to making us not feel alone in different ways than friends can, friends are still vital! Have you been practicing self-care during this time apart? Please be careful, fear driven goals can lead to these things repeating or blowing up in our face. If loneliness is what's prompting you to message him, I would advise against it until you're in a better head space.

Yeah it's pretty eye-opening how similar all these stories can be! Regarding my wife, I had some pretty firm boundaries setup and I felt afraid, just like you, with how she sent her last message to me. So I gave it a few days and waited for the push-pull cycle and also to where I could collect myself enough to be able to proceed effectively. I had very clear goals in mind as soon as the separation started: I wanted a healthy and sustainable relationship. If you figure out your goals first, if you figure out the "why" first, almost any "how" can be done. My therapist told me that and it makes a lot of sense! So I messaged her the final time before we got back together because I knew what my goals were and I knew that I could only control myself and had accepted that. The times before that I let her do the engaging since she was so dysregulated and I felt very hurt in this process. It sounds like you are hurting a lot too. Please make sure to practice self-care. Just because your boyfriend does not see someone for mental health support doesn't mean you can't. It's soo helpful! Being with someone so hypersensitive is a lot of work. That's really amazing you've been with him 13 years.

Regarding SET, if you do message him, I would approach it like a friendly conversation how I said before and respect his wishes about not talking about "us". If you send a SET message, I think that will be read as not confident or low self esteem, it's like you're "crawling back". Start confident and casually friendly then use SET if he replies with something that sounds super far out there, which will probably happen. Please be sure to read through the threads about the skills and their examples so you can learn how to better use them. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0  This is something I had to figure out the hard way. I went to the extreme side with it and used the skills all the time for any situation. My wife picked up on that and felt I was disingenuous. These are still people we're dealing with and more importantly they're our partners. We know them best and we have to look for the spots where they get regulated again and can communicate with them like we normally do. The goal of all these skills is to navigate difficult situations or situations where our partners are not regulated well and help them get back to a baseline.

Wow, it sounds like you are both going through a lot! I think it's fair to say anyone in your boyfriends shoes could get pretty stressed out about that work situation and his injury, to a controlled extent of course, not just up and leaving.

You can see my thread here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325822.0
WentWorth gave me lots of valuable advise, maybe something will stick out for you there.

[blackorchid]

Thank you ziasquinn3000  I took a few days off the site to try and stop my mind spinning so much and to practise self care.  I did also send a friendship type message and that has been a bit succesful and thanks to your words i can see the push-pull cycle, so when he writes something inflammatory I just step back and ignore it.  I hope things with your wife are going well

[WonderingGirl]

Thank you ziasquinn3000  I took a few days off the site to try and stop my mind spinning so much and to practise self care.  I did also send a friendship type message and that has been a bit succesful and thanks to your words i can see the push-pull cycle, so when he writes something inflammatory I just step back and ignore it.  I hope things with your wife are going well

Hi blackorchid,

I was wondering how everything is going for you. Im in a similar spot, although less harsh then what you ex is putting you through. Have things gotten better yet?

When you talk about the just plain cold expressions, I know exactly what you mean. My ex has that same cold face right now. He is rapidity cycling through. I know that face means he is not expressing his true feelings though, only the ones of anger.

[blackorchid]

Hey WonderingGirl,

Things have gotten no where.  I thought last week we were at the start of things getting better... .I made a new post here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327931.msg12989985#msg12989985

but now i dont think so.  Hes still cycling and I must have pushed him too hard yesterday (?).  On the 11th of each month the repayment is due on the bank loan we took out together in his name so I sent him half the money.  for my share. He replied saying are you just doing that to get back together with me. I said no, its my debt too we used it together so I will pay it my share back.  Its not fair on you otherwise. He then said maybe 5 months down the line you will control me and say I have to be with you because you paid it every month. I said no and repeated that it was used for both of us.  Im sorry you feel that way. Its my debt too and I feel guilty its in your name. He said no dont feel like that.  Then later last night, I asked for confirmation that he would watch our dog sat-mon whilst I visit my mum. He said yes.  but said he can do fri-sun not monday night as hes going to a match in the city here (hes no longer living  here) and it would benefit him to stay here.  I said ok, Ill cancel my lessons on saturday then if you dont want me in the house.  He said if youre in the house I wont come, if youre not in the house I will come. I said fine Ill cancel them and you can come, Ill work monday instead. Then I got mad and so I highlighted the message on whatsapp about him saying if youre not in the house ill come, and put I dont understand why youre saying this, I thought we were friends now, you came last week and we talked, we had a nice time, you dont have to be nasty to me.  He said we are friends, nothing more.  I said I know and Im happy to have you in my life as a friend. He said whatever, I dont believe you because you will have hope always.  I replied, I dont have hope I know you dont want me, I understand.  Thats why Im drinking alone.  (this tactic usually works... .somehow he likes hearing that... .but obv not last night)  He got angry... .and asked why are you  drinking... .I said because I know you dont want me and Im alone.  And I said ok Ive cancelled Saturdays lessons (Im a private tutor) you can come tomorrow.  He replied you have a big house, you can go out and find a man and bring him home, like when you gave  your number to the man in Aldo shop and when you met your friends friend.  I said Im not a whore, Im not bringing men back to the house and I told you before the shop assistant wanted lessons and I was dumb for believing him.  Im not a slut so dont so that about me, maybe you can flirt with others but I cant.  He replied Im not a bad person, whatever bye, Im not coming to youre home and blocked me again.

background: he last did this in 2016. My friend was worried about me and after he had been gone for about a month asked me to meet her for a meal with her boyfriend.  Said it would do me good to get dressed up and go out, as he is clearly having a good time.  So I did.  Good distraction. HOWEVER, when I got to the restaurant without me knowing she had set me up on a double date, i was mad at her and so not interested, She put a picture on social media, he saw it and blew up, going crazy this is what youre doing without me... .

the man in ALDO was at the same time, in summer my lessons can dry up and I was worried about money, Im a shoe addict and the staff know me, Im in Turkey, this was after the coup and people were panicking wanting to leave the country, to do so they need english,... .so he asked for my number for lessons.  I dont normally do that but was desperate for money so gave my number.  However he didnt want lessons he wanted a date... .

when my boyf came back one night he messaged and he read it and it was an argument... .

so that is what he was bringing up last night... .


what should I do now... .reach out through a different number and ask him to watch the dog... .its easier for him to stay here tonight or put her in the vets (didnt want to do that as its so hot and they have no AC at night for them )


wonderingGirl thanks for reaching out to me today... .needed it and I hope your situation is ok

[CryWolf]

hey Black Orchid, any update since your last post? how have things been going?