Drive-By Guilt Trip - Happy Friday

[Recycle]

Those sneaky guilt trips just come outta nowhere sometimes!

I'm minding my own business working from home today and get a long FB message from my Mom about something someone sent her online that was funny. Then she calls when I don't respond.

Here't the resulting chat:

Me: Funny! Glad you laughed! I can't talk on the phone right now because I'm working. Love u
Mom: I won't bother you anymore.
Me: You're not bothering me. I'm juts working and can't chat on the phone, silly.
Mom: The last time I saw my daughter was in the spring when you came over to rake some leaves.
Me: The last time you told your daughter not to come over or cancelled our plans was last week.
Mom: I won't bother you anymore.
     

My uBPD Mom cancels things chronically (over 99% of the time). One of my boundaries with her is that we need to plan our get-togethers (for my sanity and also due to the fact she has insomnia and is often sleeping during the day). The most common response I get from my spouse and friends when I tell them about stuff like this is "why don't you just go over there to visit - just show up!"

It is so hard to explain to them why that is not an option in my toolkit.

[zachira]

You have come to the right place to talk about your challenges with your BPD mom. Many of us on this site have a BPD mom, and we understand how frustrating and sad it is to have to deal with the hurtful unpredictable behaviors of this type of parent. Know that you do not have to justify or explain to anybody why you have set the kind of boundaries that you have with your mom. You are doing what is best for you, and really best for your mom. Most people will not understand because they do not understand BPD, and are not around when your mom acts out. We are here to listen and support you. Keep us posted and let us know how we can help.

[Recycle]

Thank you! I feel so very welcome here - always.

Between my post and your reply, I discovered the reason for this (seemingly random) guilt trip. My spouse had posted pictures on FB of a gift my step mother had made and sent to us (this is the woman my Dad left my uBPD Mom for over 30 years ago). This likely triggered her feelings of abandonment in our relationship.

I usually hide such posts from her. However, my family members don't think of such things before posting. I can ask them to censor their posts, but that is a lot to ask IMHO.

[Harri]

Hi Recycle, it is good to see you back. 

Yeah, the FB post likely triggered her.  I agree that asking other family to tip-toe around her sensitivities is a lot.  Unfortunately, she is going to have these reactions, sometimes even without FB posts.  It is so sad really. 

In spite of the fact that she keeps canceling and doing all the "I won't bother you any more" stuff you have some pretty good boundaries.  I like that you said the last time she cancelled with you was just last week.  But what happens to you when these things happen?  Are you able to roll with it, understanding it has nothing to do with you?  Or do you remain upset for more than just a short time?  Or neither?  At one point I would have taken it very personally and believed that I needed to protect her and do more.  I can also imagine feeling very aggravated and upset too. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Recycle,

I'm really glad you shared this example. The conversation went well with you maintaining boundaries about work and your time. I think that you are probably right about what triggered her.

I can understand though how the conversation doesn't necessarily end there does it? It's in your title: ":)rive by guilt trip." Are you like me and you go over it in your mind, asking what you could have done differently? The nagging Inner Critic busily at work within us. I hate it, the questioning of myself and wondering how I stepped in it again. It takes work to counter those voices within.

If you've been reflecting on it, what have been your thoughts? Would you try something else with her if you could rewind the tapes and start again? Would you keep it the same? Whatever answer you give is totally fine here. 

 
Wools

[Turkish]

The Waif parent ("rescue me!" can be maybe the most frustrating  

[Recycle]

I really appreciate the thoughtful replies and questions to my post! I am still having things come up for me about this interaction and my resulting in-person visit with my uBPD Mom. I want to spend some focused time on a reply, but can't do that until Wednesday. More to come! 

[Learning2Thrive]

I am still having things come up for me about this interaction and my resulting in-person visit with my uBPD Mom. I want to spend some focused time on a reply, but can't do that until Wednesday. More to come! 

  Hi Recycle, sorry I am late to the welcome back party. I’m glad you’re here and working through this. We’re here to listen when you’re ready.

  L2T

[Recycle]

Hi again! It's been about a month since my last post. I'd intended to reply sooner, but thought it would be interesting to see how things cycle after my in-person visit after her last "drive-by guilt trip".

She seems to have completely forgotten about the positive interaction we had in person that day. But I am not surprised, because this isn't new. Her cognitive abilities seem to  be declining more rapidly year over year. Not memory loss. More like learned helplessness, which is definitely a real thing.

For example, she's been asking me 2 - 3 times a year for the last 10+ years to help her and my step dad downsize and move to a senior living place. I work for an aging services organization with access to many printed resources. So, I've given her 4 different housing directories. She's asked for my help to pick out a few. We've set up countless meetings to plan their downsizing. But EVERYTHING has been cancelled. We've made absolutely no progress. But, she keeps pleading for my help in ways that leave me in a FOG. I can't even take her seriously anymore when she asks for help. I try not to be critical of her, due to her multiple mental illnesses. But I cannot see another way to do my part moving things forward besides asking her to follow through with the times we set up to get her the help she needs. We had one of these conversations yesterday. It ended in a familiar way. "I guess I shouldn't have called. Let's just forget about it. Bye (click)." Then I get a Facebook message in the middle of the night that says "This is the last time I will let you hurt me."  There have been a few other last times, which makes me take her even less seriously.

I seriously feel like I'm at a point where a NC trial for 1 to 2 weeks is in order. I've been NC for around a week before, but that ended after finding out she was in the hospital.

Thank you all for listening today! I really appreciate it.

[Harri]

Hi Recycle and thanks for the update. 

It must be frustrating to be asked for help, give it, think they take it, only to realize they don't really want it and then be accused of not caring.  It is hard to take someone seriously who refuses to take action to help themselves.  I wonder if in a weird way she is using this as a means to connect with you.  yes, practically speaking she probably needs to move and will need help but it seems more a desperate and misguided attempt to bond in a way.

Taking a break from that can be good for you.  Forgive me, I can't remember, have you tried being direct in saying something like "we have talked about this before and nothing has changed.  You refuse to follow through so my hands are tied"?  I am not sure if that is a good idea or not.  Just curious what might happen if you did. 

Again, thanks for the update. 

[Recycle]

Thank you, Harri. Yes, it is a very difficult position to be in. I'm dammed if I do and also if I don't. But, I don't feel like I'm a victim. I've worked hard to reparent myself and build up my emotional health. I just want to be there for my Mom. I still can't believe she is this sick.

I have tried a more direct approach. I actually said something last night on the phone with her very close to what you suggested. That triggered her, too.

I dont feel like I'm dealing with an adult. I can't trust her word, either. I think this is really makes it harder to let go. (Because I honestly no longer believe she's able to make key decisions in her life.)

[Harri]

But, I don't feel like I'm a victim. I've worked hard to reparent myself and build up my emotional health.

This is apparent in your words.  Excellent!

When it is a damned if you do and damned if you don't the only alternative is to make the choice that is right for you.  That may involve something that ends up triggering your sister.  Obviously you would like to avoid that if you can but it is not always possible.  If she gets triggered, she gets triggered.  That is for her to deal with.  You need to take care of yourself and your mom. 

Sorry, just rambling.  I know you know this stuff.

[Recycle]

Thank you!

Just to clarify, it is my Mom, not my sister.

[Harri]

I am so sorry.  I knew it was mom but my fingers decided different!  I change peoples names sometimes too!  Thanks for being kind about it. 

[Recycle]

No problem at all! I appreciate you.

[Recycle]

I just remembered I wanted to comment on what you said, Harri:

"I wonder if in a weird way she is using this as a means to connect with you. Yes, practically speaking she probably needs to move and will need help but it seems more a desperate and misguided attempt to bond in a way."

Yes! I think there's a good chance this is true! It is a way for her to get around my boundaries. Another way she does this is by calling me at strange hours. Once, she called at 7:30 am ... .to tell me my pediatrician died (I'm 41) and that she was surprised to find out he was Catholic and not Jewish. Just a couple days ago she called me at 9:30 pm because she "needed" right then to talk about how she's "worried" about her husband's mental health (not a new story, and how ironic). When I told her I was about to go to bed and couldn't talk, she hung up on me abruptly. To go with all this, she's "coached" me for many years to make sure I always answer the phone when she calls "in case there's an emergency". So with this "coaching" and the oddly-timed calls... .ugh.

I am really starting to see how she continues to manipulate me. Sad. 

[Harri]

I am glad this helped you make sense of things.  I am not sure manipulation is the right term as it implies well thought out intent to me.  To me BPDs are too dysregulated to really plan things out in a methodical way. but their behaviors often come off that way.  For em though, when i was dealing with my mother, her intent had little to do with my choices.

Good to talk with you Recycle!

[naturalturn]

Hi Recycle!

After reading your initial post and now seeing your more recent posts, I can say that I may not have a lot of advice, but I relate to you! My mother does a lot of the same things and the first conversation you posted in this thread of your text messages with your mom sounds EXACTLY like conversations I have had with my mother. I also struggle with maintaining boundaries with her. I haven't spoken to my mother in almost two weeks now and it has been great. I can feel myself starting to feel better and it is so much easier to be positive. I dread the day I have to speak to her again... .it's so hard having a relationship with a parent like this as I feel she will always be in my life which seems discouraging sometimes.

I wish you all the best Recycle and I hope that peace comes your way soon! 

[Recycle]

I am not sure manipulation is the right term as it implies well thought out intent to me. To me BPDs are too dysregulated to really plan things out in a methodical way. but their behaviors often come off that way. 

Truth. I could have phrased that differently: I can really see now how her behavior continues to change mine when I let it.

@naturalturn

Thank you for reaching out! That dread of speaking to her again - what are you dreading the most? I haven't spoken to my Mom in a week, and what I dread is that when we finally talk again she will act like nothing ever happened. It feels like digging a hole and filling it back up again, over and over.

I wish you the very best, too! Keep me posted on how you are doing. 

[cruiser23]

I just joined this board a few days ago, and I am dealing with a BPD mom as well... .she is incredibly hard to deal with... .I finally went NC with her this week, and it's been 10 days since I last spoke with her (I feel like I'm at AA or something ) Truly, I am dreading when we do talk. She always acts like she did nothing wrong, like I owe her an apology etc... .Your mom and my mom read the same playbook I believe LOL

 I find that it makes me feel better to remind her that she cancels so many things with me... .plans we have standing for weeks. Sometimes I really think she does plan things just to keep me from doing things with my friends/husband, just to eat up my time then at the last minute cancels on me, so I'm stuck doing nothing... .other times she cancels so she can complain that she didn't get to do anything with me (I travel for work and am home every other week). That's on her... .I try to plan stuff, if she wants to play that game, she's gonna find she's playing alone.

So now we're NC, and I'm in the airport lounge, headed home for the week, and nervous as heck about what might happen when I get there... .(She lives around the corner from us... .).

Good luck to you!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi cruiser23,

You'll have to let us know how things go once you settle in. Don't be surprised if there are some pretty big bumps as you work at this new step. It's like learning a new dance. There are a lot of steps to learn, and the music is different too, so have patience and be kind to yourself as you make these changes.

Have you ever heard of something called Extinctiion Bursts?  You may want to read this article and keep it in mind as you learn the new dance. Your uBPDm won't want to learn the new steps is my guess, so I want you to be as prepared as possible.

 
Wools