Thank you,
Winds... .
My T and I did cover at one point that emotional detachment is a coping mechanism that I tend to use, whether I'm conscious of it or not. Maybe not the best coping mechanism, but it has its uses. I guess the question I'm facing is how much of what I am feeling--or rather, not feeling--is me coping on some level with what I have been going through, and how much of it is actually damage that warrants closer attention? Either way, there's work to be done with my T, but I get the sense that the nature of the work could be different depending on the answer.
Were you able to go to the beach last weekend? I didn't keep up on that thread where you mentioned it.
I means a lot that you even remembered and asked! No, the potential day trip to the beach was actually slated for this coming Wednesday. I still haven't decided on whether I'll go, in spite of HQ and braveSun's gentle encouragement. I'll keep an eye on the weather and we'll see. It will probably come up in session with my T on Tuesday, and she'll probably give me just enough encouragement to see it through... .
Another thought is that maybe you're just emotionally exhausted, with all the anxiety and unhappiness you were dealing with in leading up to the separation.
Very possible. I was suffering from significant emotional burnout when I first started seeing my T, due to all the caregiving I was doing and other pressures from my uBPDw at the time. I never really had time to recover from that since soon afterward I came to the realization that our marriage had to end and was having to start navigating that. My experience leading up to the separation was very much like what you described for yourself, minus the crying to sleep at night. But that's only because I really don't cry much at all. It might help if I did more... .
I'm glad the anxiety went away for you when you moved out. I am still feeling it, I think mostly due to having to interact with my stbx for co-parenting. That pretty much keeps everything else at bay... .sadness, relief etc... .I haven't been able to relax yet.
So, again, maybe once everything's final, you have the house in order, and feel that you've checked everything off your to-do list (hopefully you won't keep adding to it), then your emotions will feel it's okay to let go. And relax. And feel. And move on.
Yes, that's the trick... .so far, there seems to be an endless supply of things to add to the to-do list! Some of that I think I seek myself to avoid being able to relax and feel. I kinda just want to skip to the moving on part, but I know that's not very realistic.
I found making small changes in most every room allowed me to feel like my home was refreshed and just mine, instead of feeling the ghost of our memories everywhere I looked.
Great ideas,
HQ! I don't really have the space to create a new kind of room (like an exercise room), but rearranging and refreshing the spaces is definitely on the agenda. My first goal is to sell off a few things... .in part to get them out of the house, and also to get a little cash (even if it's just a few dollars). Then to hang some new pictures and/or artwork... .
Right at the end I began to grieve and recognise the shock and trauma that I was feeling the impact of physically, yet had to push things down because of the family law case my son's father started and from that point I went pretty numb too. Go easy on yourself and let things take their own natural course.
"Autopilot" feels like a good way to put it. Mostly I go through the day knowing there are things that just need to get done, for my kids' sake, for the sake of my job, etc. So I do them, and move on to the next thing that needs to be done, and the next. I do appreciate the reminder to not be so hard on myself. It's kind of ingrained in me to do that and I'm finding it very,
very hard to stop.
Could you increase your therapy sessions maybe if you're feeling like they are not enough?
Yes, my T is open to me asking for and scheduling whatever I feel I need. The problem is that I struggle with feeling needy just by going to therapy, so the idea of going even more frequently than I already do is not very appealing. We have touched on this topic before, and I told her last session that I don't really know what to ask for. I get the sense that she's helping to nudge me into scheduling based on what she thinks will be helpful.
Something has happened with my therapist and my last appointment was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. I think I can understand your worry about yours going off on maternity as I feel a bit cut adrift and need that regular appointment. We've been working a CBT process on self esteem and it's gotten real. Now to not know if I'll see her or when is anxiety provoking.
I'm very sorry to hear about your therapist needing to cancel your last appointment! I can understand that the uncertainty around getting that next appointment set up is nerve-wracking at best, especially considering that this seems to be a crucial time for you. Does she practice with anyone else that can pick up your case?
As for me and my therapist, I do need to ask her about the plan for when she has the twins. I don't think a gap of eight weeks (minimum) will be good for me, but I also need to know her thoughts from a clinical perspective. The idea of opening up to someone else is
really daunting for me. There are plenty of things I haven't even scratched the surface on with my T, and am only just starting to consider that I
might be OK doing so after eight months of seeing her. It's not gonna happen within eight weeks with someone new. Still... .being stuck in the places I have felt stuck in lately is not a good thought. Especially considering that her maternity leave will likely last through the holidays, and I anticipate dealing with
plenty of issues over that timeframe.
Today was a very long and busy day, but I did get a lot accomplished. D9's room is a new color and her new furniture arrived. I'll spend tomorrow finishing up working in the house and hopefully catching up with a couple friends. This coming week will be the first time we finally settle into our true 2-2-5-5 schedule (there had been several adjustments over the past month due to vacation schedules), so it's going to be interesting to see how the kids manage... .
mw
