BPD Ex is Pregnant - Desperate for HELP

[superstar]

I will try and make this short and to the point.

I dated an avoidant female with BPD for roughly 4.5 years, I had no idea what BPD or avoidant attachment was prior. Its like one day a switch flipped and it was exactly as Kim Saaed layed out in her "Blackmailed into fatherhood" writing online.

Our relationship became a series of splitting up and getting back together, repeatedly. The more often we split the longer it became before reunion. In one of the splits she moved to her mothers house and we never lived together again. After expressing my disagreement with living apart she distanced herself from my child and kept her child away as well. We are on the same weekend schedules, so on the weekends we didn't have kids she would pack a bag and come stay with me and return to her moms on Monday evening after work.

The living apart situation carried on to the point where I was separating our financial ties and was just going to leave. In mid October 2017 she claimed to have a miscarriage, the day we were supposed to see the doctor. In Nov. 2017 I sold my house and moved into a rental and I was under the impression she was moving into the rental, however it never happened. We got to the point where we were still on the off kids weekends together and if I ever brought up dealing with our issues and living together she would take off and run away and I wouldn't  hear from her for days and sometimes a week or so... .

We spent Christmas 2017 together with my daughter, continued the weekend thing on a more monthly basis. In April 2018, her 11yr old daughter tells a mutual friends daughter at school that her mom (my ex) was pregnant. She didn't even have the guts to tell me herself. Around the 20th of April 2018, she contacts me and tells me she wants me to be involved in the babies life, she wanted to do this together and she wanted to spend the weekend together so the baby could hear me talk.

As it turns out she got pregnant the end of November 2017, so by the time I found out she was 5 months along. We spent the weekend of April 20th 2018 together, we had an amazing time. She told me we had a sonogram appointment on May 3rd to find out the sex of the baby and she wanted me there, no problem... .

The Sunday afternoon of the weekend we spent together, before she left my house I asked her if I should prepare for the baby to come home to my house or if she planned on taking the baby to live with her at her mothers. You would have thought I stabbed her in the back by her reaction, she left and I heard nothing from her. So 13-14 days later I show up to the sonogram appointment and she is in total bitch mode. We go into the sonogram and the nurse asks her right off the bat if she knew the sex already, she replied with "Yes, its a boy".

Obviously Im EXTREMELY confused, only to keep asking questions to find out she had been going to the doctor the entire pregnancy. After the sonogram portion of the appointment we were supposed to see the doctor for a check up. After we left the sonogram room she made a scene and asked me to leave, so I left.

As of today I have heard a word from her since May 3rd 2018. I text her in the beginning of June to see how she and the baby were doing and no response. So today is the 78th day of no contact, the baby is due on August 20th and I have no idea what to do, or what to expect after the birth of the baby.

I see a therapist once a week, the therapist has met with my ex in sessions prior to all this. The therapist "thinks" my ex lacks the confidence to approach me and own up to her lies and that she purposely got pregnant. The therapist believes once the baby is born she will have the confidence bc she has the baby to approach me and essentially control the situation bc she has my son, and my ex knows I only wanted one more child before getting the snip.

I'm confused bc the distance would indicate I have received the "final discard" from her. After the doctors appointment she had her daughter telling kids at school its my baby and I dont want anything to do with it... .REALLY? have your 11yr old do your dirty work? We live in a small town and I have my 4.5yr old daughter all the time, its well established locally that Im a great father so no one is buying her BS. She has distanced herself from normal friends and seems to only be hanging out with people who dont know me or people in her normal circle of friends.

Additionally she's very narcissistic, so I wonder if there is another supply somewhere? I mean her family and friends could be a supply, or even the baby... I hardly think a single guy would sleep with a huge pregnant woman, but who knows... .for every ___, there is a ___

Your Input & Advise is Appreciated

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi superstar,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.  That has to be so hard for you.
 How do you feel towards your ex currently and her behaviour?  Would you want to salvage the r/s and live together as a family with your new baby?  What would you like to see happen ideally?

You're in the right place for support, so keep posting.  We're listening  

[CryWolf]

 How do you feel towards your ex currently and her behaviour?  Would you want to salvage the r/s and live together as a family with your new baby?  What would you like to see happen ideally?

Hey Superstar,

HQ asked very good questions, if you don't mind answering. We are listening 

How have you been holding up since your initial post?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi superstar,

Just wondering how you're doing and if there have been any developments for you in your difficult situation?  Do let us know when you can.  We're here for you.

Love and light x

[superstar]

My apologies I have been staying busy to keep things out of mind...

My therapist suggested I reach out to her again, so I did on 7/25/18... .a few days later I get served with domestic violence restraining order papers.

Good thing my close friend is a family law attorney, he advised me to collect any police reports from incidents we had together. In one incident she cited in her complaint the police were going to arrest her for domestic battery!

So my attorney filed an appearance and got a continuance for a date a month after the baby is due.

Recently in therapy the therapist is suggesting that her distancing herself and the baby from me is bc the child may not be mine?...

At the doctors appointment I went too the conception date was Nov 26th give or take 4-5 days. We have sex on the 20th before she went out of town for thanksgiving. So give and take the days, it fits the time frame.

I also document everything on a desktop colander and going back through the months we had the most sex during that time of the month, I assume she was trying to get pregnant, but why?

Why would you get pregnant by me and then distance yourself from me? To play victim? Someone help me out here... .

As for me, I’m fine... .moved on dating someone new which may have fueled the restraining order... .I have no idea. I have the ability to turn off parts of my brain and the ex is turned off.

I miss her, still love her but the price isn’t worth the prize anymore. Just trying to figure out the baby and what a bod woman’s intentions are with hiding a baby from the alleged father or is the therapist right?

All Input is appreciated

[pearlsw]

All Input is appreciated

Hi superstar,

Thanks for the update!

As I read this I imagine there are differing options here, probably none you haven't thought of. Either it isn't yours, or it is yours and she doesn't want you around seem to be the two most obvious possibilities. I imagine she doesn't want you around so she has control and doesn't have to deal with you. If she is using this DV angle she is trying to make you out as an abuser, a danger to her it seems.

I don't remember what was happening back then, all your details, but she may have tried to get pregnant because she wanted to keep you - at the time. Then something changed. There is a lot of push/pull in these relationships, idealization and devaluation. Seems to happen to all of us around here, a lot.

Sorry to hear of the out of the blue DV restraining order. That must have been a shock!

Do you think she knows you are dating someone new? Will there be testing after the child is born to determine paternity?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Pearl asked a great question, what do you think superstar?

[superstar]

Hi superstar,

Thanks for the update!

As I read this I imagine there are differing options here, probably none you haven't thought of. Either it isn't yours, or it is yours and she doesn't want you around seem to be the two most obvious possibilities. I imagine she doesn't want you around so she has control and doesn't have to deal with you. If she is using this DV angle she is trying to make you out as an abuser, a danger to her it seems.

I don't remember what was happening back then, all your details, but she may have tried to get pregnant because she wanted to keep you - at the time. Then something changed. There is a lot of push/pull in these relationships, idealization and devaluation. Seems to happen to all of us around here, a lot.

Sorry to hear of the out of the blue DV restraining order. That must have been a shock!

Do you think she knows you are dating someone new? Will there be testing after the child is born to determine paternity?

wishing you the best, pearl.

Pearl, thanks for the great response! So here is a new update... .

One of my best friends luckily is a family law attorney (one of the best here) so after being served, he waited down to the very last day and filed for a continuance setting the hearing date for 9/20, I'm sure she showed up to court and that really pissed her off that there was no hearing. The baby is due tomorrow 8/20, and through a friend I found out yesterday she still hasnt given birth. I imagine she will be at the hospital tomorrow being induced.

Does she know I'm dating someone new? I would think so. Its all over my facebook and we have mutual friends so I would assume someone would ask or say something to her.

Will there be a paternity test? Absolutely.

At one point my therapist said my ex wouldn't care if I dated someone else bc she knew she had the ultimate tool (the baby) to control me. She sort of made it seem like a scene from the old movie Animal House where I could literally have a house full of women and she would kick in the front door holding the baby like a trophy instructing everyone to leave the house and poof everything would seemingly be back to normal although raising the baby together.

In the beginning I wouldn't have imagined her sleeping around behind my back, she just never seemed like that kind of person. However fast forward to hiding the pregnancy almost the entire time I guess anything is possible at this point.

In our community I'm a high profile individual and for her to claim its mine openly is a HUGE risk for her, the fact that she has also publicly stated I didn't want any part of the babies life likely ruined her credibility. My 4.5yr old daughter has literally been on my hip since she was born, so no one would ever buy her story that Im not interested in participating.

So I have a few questions, Im a planner and im never worried about today bc Im thinking about next week, next month and so on. So in order to prepare for the future please give me your opinions

1. Assuming its mine, what usually happens after birth? Do they do like the therapist said and try and re-appear and do it together or does it usually end up in a co-parenting situation?

2. In the online article "Blackmailed into Fatherhood" it suggests she will never leave me or let me go in a sense. She has an older daughter with a far less desirable guy, she barely acknowledges his existence. Will this be the case for me as well?

3. My therapist told me her first child was bc she simply wanted a baby. This child is bc she wants my image, my reputation (the positive way im seen in the community) and she wants "name" recognition by having a baby with my last name, again bc Im very well known here and Im financially set for the rest of my life. Do any of theses seem possible or far fetched based on the hiding?

4. What percentage of her "avoidant" attachment style plays a role in all of this, specifically hiding the baby?

5. Obviously if the baby isn't mine this is all been a nightmare. If I wouldn't think she would cheat or publicly announce it was mine if it wasn't, I guess I could be wrong and she may have cheated?

All Input is appreciated...

BTW things with the new girlfriend are going great, she is very aware of all this which is why im asking so many questions.

Thanks Again.