yeah yeah yeah. i used to think if a girl called me dude, or bro, or friend, that it meant the same thing.

youre going to drive yourself crazy if you think in those terms. its simply not the case. know how many times my ex called me "buddy"?

i have a lot of thoughts on "friend zoning" that probably merit a separate thread. suffice to say, to the extent that such a thing even exists, i think people put themselves there. someone doesnt use a slang term and "bang", youre their friend. you dont go out on dates with someone whom you see as a friend.

in the broader context, from what i read in your thread, it did sound like she was backing off and inserting some distance because she understood you wanted more than she was prepared to give. thats just human nature and its respectful to you and to her.


the bottom line is that i think she is more interested in having fun and living her life than a committed romantic relationship.


its one example in a bigger picture of clicking with someone, finding them endearing, or being put off by them. you were obviously put off with her getting high on your date. i would be too. with something like that, i dont know that id decide to never see them again. i would lower my expectations significantly, and that would eventually lead us there.

dates are about getting to know the other person and feeling them out. what we like and dont like.

What I can take from this is that I gave my best. We had so much in common and the time spent with her was phenomenal. I think she is amazing and although she possesses flaws, she was someone I could connect with. We both agreed how we have so much in common, values, Interests, goals. Literally everything that it was a surprise if we disagreed.

Its been 8 months since my last relationship. I dated around and the previous people I dated ended in major complications. I am actually happy those ended and I got to meet this girl. I know I’m sad at the moment and finding any reason for an excuse. But I think she did like me or was catching feelings at least, I Think now I know why she became distant as she knew she was leaving too and didn’t want me to wait.

She didn’t end things with me, but I feel like she did. When I dropped her off she told me “let’s do this again sometime”

I really want to pursue dating her if she comes back but I want it to be her idea. In the meantime school is starting, and I’ll be focusing on that and see what happens.

I really liked this girl as I’ve mentioned a bunch before. I’m not going to wait for her. But I think we could have been something special. Her drug use didn’t bother me as I smoked with her on some of the dates but her being a stoner and saying how much she loves drugs was a bother to me. Or how she was high when I picked her up instead of being sober first and then waiting to smoke. But she is a stoner and we joked about it.

Her liking me was a priority’s because I liked her a lot and she had this persona she set that all these guys are all over her and she is such a catch and I got lost in my own thoughts about how I’m in a competition.

I would like to date her casually and not let me rush her into anything and ive told her this.

How do I proceed? I feel like I’m in a state of limbo right now. She’s leaving Tuesday, I don’t wanna over communicate and chase and push her away. I feel like I have to tell her I’m still Interested  if she’s comes back. I want to apologize I forgot I Came off strong.

I said, “yea of course”

We had a convo today if she still is  
Going to the DMV tomorrow and if she wanted to go together, she told me she was already going with someone. Our conversations were light. Her response times were much quicker.
I told her I just wanted to see her before she left. I kept my responses light.

Her responding bck to me is a good sign and I know she has a lot of friends whom come first so I’m not offended If she’s busy. Plus she hasn’t even packed and still has to get paperwork done.

I’m probably coming off strong but we both don’t know if she will ever come back. I’m going to step back now since I showed her my interest in seeing her before she left.

It is what it is.

i wanted to leave things on a better note in person than our date on friday. i messed up.

What is the goal here? 

seperation anxiety is kicking in.

she leaves tomorrow.
we didnt end anything, she still responded to my messages yesterday. she told me she'd like to see me again sometime when i dropped her off on our date. shes a busy girl, and wants to enjoy her freedom. im comfortable with that. 
not sure when she will come back.
she has my number and snapchat, and what i would hope for is for her to contact me when she's back. but so far ive done most of the initiations. i would like for her to message me when she comes back and continue what we had, but im not going to wait. I want to give her the space to miss me. Im not sure if this will happen as we only went on 3 dates.

i am going to back off now. she knows i like her, i have showed her nothing but chivalry, and fun times (her statements). i did tell her on our date, that "if i ever come off too strong let me know. i dont want to push you away or move too fast". she told me "its fine just be yourself and who you are" and i said "i know, but everyone has different love languages and i dont want to cross any of your boundaries"

I guess time will tell. She doesnt seem to chase. or initiate. i know a lot of you ask why I like this girl. If it was healthy for me. Im not going to lie, i became anxious over her statements of other guys, and her whole persona she played of how she is a catch, and how unavailable she is. etc. it threw me off center. it put me in fog.

While she is away my goal is to regain my confidence and recenter. so if she does come back, or i meet someone else I will be in the right frame of mind.

I truly did like this girl, but I did put a whole lot of pressure on the situation by saying things like "this is the first girl I had feelings for in a while". this only made the situation more intense and caused me to be more in my fight or flight mode.

Hey, CW, I'm going to call a time out. Flag down! 

Let's take a pause from you narrating the day by day, hour by hour sequence of events and your feelings. Take a look back at the advice and observations others have made on this thread, OK?

Then ... .summarize them. What are you being told? And what is your reaction to that?

IS THEre something I’m being blind too? I want to salvage this with the girl, if she comes back.

Everyone’s telling me she doesn’t have interest at this point. And I’m not ready to accept it, which I probably should.

I’m not sure. Despite some red flags, I am willing to see where this goes if it’s mutual. I have not reached out to her and will not. She knows how to find me, and if she does great. I left the door open and she knows I wanted to see her before she left, if she ever chose to think I didn’t care. I am also respecting her boundaries by not messaging her on her trip. She has left me on “read” too many times that I don’t appreciate.

She said she wanted to see me again, so hopefully she will message me when she comes back. Unless this is her way of ending what we had.

I am meeting a friend of hers, and someone that’s close to her bestfriend this Wednesday for dinner. I met him at the party that I met her, and he seemed like a cool person to be friends with. I will not bring her up, unless he mentions her. If anything I’ll just tell him, “Remember that girl I met at the party? We went on a few dates. She seems like a cool person” and leave it at that. Because I know it most defintelt will get back to her.

I will not ask any questions or details regarding her.

What do you guys think?

An important question.  What did you learn from your failed relationship to apply going forward? That is why we are here. To advance emotional maturity and to apply it in our life.

As for the dating situation... .two things are very important for two people to click - raw attraction and for it to be the right time/emotional condition for connecting.  

This sounds like she likes you, enjoyed spending time, but is not feeling a deep attraction or in the mental mindset to build a relationship. Writing the best text or doing the best posing matters when a relationship is in the making... .but if it's not, it's not.

You see this. You have described it accurately. You get it.

So what is going on (hint, it has nothing to do with this girl)?

very true, I will not gain anything mentioning her. I am trying to implement not chasing either, as I did a lot imo.


Hey Skip  ,

I learned from my r/s that the best thing to do is give space, let feelings come naturally. If someone pulls away you should mirror that. Dont let fear and anxiety control you, and start to pursue more and push them away.

I want to be in the best frame of mind, and be centered. Not rush anything, and allow the new rs to be wanted from sides.


deep down. I guess it has to be wanting to be loved. I want someone to pick me. Not me chase, and do all these things just for someones attention. I dont mind courting, but I want someone to do the same. I want to be someones first option.

It feels sad writing this out. . But, im tired of giving everything and then being left or not good enough. I know this probably stems back to my dad leaving. But, when the dynamics dont change, but your approach does it becomes disheartening after a while.

I think I give up on dating for a while.


it is not a fair statement. I was writing from a mindset of dissapointment and a little anger. I needed something to tell myself to vent and tell myself she never liked me so I could stop holding on to hope.

I know this is not the right thing to do. And I have come to realize that the past few days. Whether, she comes back or not, I need to accept what it was and enjoy it and learn from it.

I also had a bunch of friends in my life tell me she used me or shes playing me. Those played a role as well in me writing negatively. But, I know this wasnt the case. I wanted answers and talk to anyone for any sign of what happened as I was thinking of different reasons.


Im not going to wait for her. The door is open if she ever contacts me again. I dont think she is moving because she told me put vacation leave on her two jobs. She also told me her parents got her a car, so she can start driving again and how she is getting auto insurance again.

So I'm not sure why she had to tell me she is moving. I noticed she does this a lot with a lot of our conversations. She says one thing but then contradicts herself, i.e.
"i dont go on second dates" I get a third date.
"she is trying to stop cursing" curses like a sailor and then says she only said that when she met me.
"i like how you text me during the day and our dates are so fun" but then she says "dont get me wrong i have fun on dates too when guys hit me up at night to meet them for drinks"

its like this with a lot of convos we have whenever she seems to open up or some info about her, or how she feels about me. It has me confused this whole time we have dated.

my BPDex did the same when we first dated. we hold hands, she would say "i hold hands with everyone"
my BPDex also said in the early stages, "my friends all call me a dominatrix"
my BPDex also told me she wants to keep her options open how she is talking to two other guys (both were her ex)

Im not saying this new girl has BPD. Im just saying i feel anxiety dating this girl, and im not sure if its because she also makes it seem like is the "catch" just like my BPD ex did.

But yea, Im not sure why she told me shes moving or possibly moving when she also told me about all these other future plans she has going on here. Either she wants me to stop pursuing and think she moved away, or pursue more by making me anxious which she has done a good job of. I have no idea. its been since sunday and not one message from her. I dont want to always initiate contact.

idk. Im a person who likes to know why and i think of a bunch of scenarios. its not healthy


I initiated the meetup, me and her talked about the party before, and i mentioned how i met this guy at the party and he was there when me and her were talking. she told me 'oh yea i know him" and i told her yea hes really cool.

he asked for my info and we talked about hanging out at the party. Ive been meaning to message him sooner but never got around to it. we made plans for dinner. Should i cancel?  I like networking, and I dont want to bring her up as it will be creepy.

This is a great summation of what you want in a relationship.  Does she "pass your test" in this regard?

It makes sense. She keeps laying down her cards. You grasp the face cards, you are confused by the other cards.

They are all her cards. She has a lot of stuff going on. She likes you. She doesn't like you enough to derail her plains and other activities.

Dating is like this. Most relations fail in the first 90 days.

It would be interesting to see how many crushes and dates the average person goes on before meeting a serious partner. It's a high number.



This isn't that relationship. You can't earn it from her by being better. And, yes, you are carrying some baggage that makes this hard.

This is what we are all living with.

With her, plant the best seed, and let her go. maybe you will get another shot at it later.

So I was looking at her Facebook, on a pic she posted. Her mom was talking in the comments to someone about how her daughter was going for a week and saved so much money, etc.

I’m not sure why she would tell me she’s moving?... is she a compulsive liar? The first date I remember she mentioned to me how she was supposed to go to a party with her friends and said out loud “should I lie?”

Hi cry,

during all the reading that i have been doing on r/s,
one person had the opinion that the healthiest way to start a r/s was to take it like, it will end.
Am not sure i understand it, maybe so we dont start off w any expectations. 

In my program, expectations are future resentments.   If i can get to no expectations, then i will have serenity... .its like the higher my expectations, the lower my serenity and vice versa.


For me to have no expectations, its a long way from where i am.  It is the direction i am heading.
We also talk about progress not perfection, because i am an expert at all the things i miss the mark on, self loathing, etc.  The direction am going on that, is self love.  Its a tall order.

Hang in there
j