Honestly, from the beginning.

From the “dates are so fun”, to her not knowing my name on the second date while we’re eating dinner in a place I got reservations for, to the texting games and pretending to be at work and telling me she’s at work but sending me snaps from different locations and nothing adding up to what she was saying. From the extensive drug use and always getting high on our dates. To her valuing then devaluing on dates. But I thought it was her humour.

She would even call herself a hoe but I thought she was joking. There’s a lot I didn’t understand. Im a person that needs to know and why. And I lost a lot of sleep over her. She did say she didn’t want anything serious but she told her mom and brother about me and she did tell me a lot of personal stuff. But that doesn’t matter. She even took my wallet on the third date and gave me her card to pay for everything since I payed the first two.

Nothing added up. But now it did. The time line fit and her lying about never being on her phone was a huge lie because she actually is always on her phone. And this  other guy started talking to her right before our third date. So her interest when to him.

My friend told me that me and her would probably be together because it seemed like she did like me but her ex got in the picture. But I’m grateful it happened. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who lied so damn much about a lot of things.

Another thing, I dont think I mentioned earlier because I didn’t know how. But, when we were leaving the lake at night, I opened the car door for her and saw her sit. And I walked across my car. She looked so much like my exwBPD. I was shook. Like spot on, glasses, everything. All I saw was my ex in that  moment.

All these girls I dated, made me appreciate my relationship with my ex even more. Although the situation with my ex as toxic, it was healthier than the girls I have been meeting. Not saying I want a relationship with my ex again, but that I miss her. And I think I’m done dating for a longtime.

I went out with my friend yesterday, the one who got cheated on. Let’s csll her L1. We went out yesterday as a friend date. and I used to have a crush on her a year ago, when me and my ex we’re on and off. We were also in the same class and this girl was so positive and fun and pretty much the only friend I had at the time. Her boyfriend made her stop talking to me although it was just platonic. He didn’t allow her to have any male friends or do.anything. But constantly cheated on her.
She asked me what’s wrong with her yesterday, and i got mad because there was nothing wrong with her and to me I thought she was amazing. She’s had two rs and both she been cheated on.

The reason I mentioned this was because I also felt like this. I asked myself what’s wrong with me and feel so low and unlovable but it’s because I put myself in situations with girls who I ignore the red flags for and subconsciously think they are the one and I give benefit of the doubt and build this hopeful situation where the red flags are mostly my anxieties. I could be wrong or right though. But that’s the dynamic so far. Not the fixer but the savior in a way. I want to be chosen by someone that’s unavailable so I feel of worth.

Okay long tangent, thank you if you’re still reading and following. Haven’t written like this in a while.