New Member- Mother with BPD

[naturalturn]

Hi everybody. I am new here. After speaking with a therapist recently, I have been told that my mother shows many signs of BPD. I have done more research and believe that my therapist is right. I started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells where I learned about this website and decided to connect with the community. I hope to find people who truly understand what I am going through and can offer coping mechanisms they use. I am really struggling with my relationship with my mother and it is causing me a lot of mental distress. I desperately need help.  Thanks for reading <3

[Learning2Thrive]

  naturalturn and welcome!

Yes, you’ve come to the right place. We understand as many of us have BPD or uBPD mothers. We’re here to listen and support you.

There are lots of tools and resources. Under the TOOLS link in the green bar at the top of the page you can find lots of good stuff on Wisemind, Reducing Conflict, and much more. But before I overload you with information, can you tell us a little more about your situation? What kind of behavior is she displaying? Do you live together? Is she under extra stress right now?

I look forward to learning more about you and how we may help you.

  L2T

[naturalturn]

Thank you for welcoming me!

I moved out of the house last May and now live with my fiance. My mother recently separated from my father and now lives ten minutes down the road from us. She flips between being obsessed with me to the point it seems that she is romantically interested in me to then being angry and hurt by me and accusing me of not loving her, not wanting to be with her, treating her like she's "invisible" etc. etc.
She lays the guilt trip on me thick. She says she never sees me, never gets to spend time with me, but I speak to her almost everyday, text her EVERY day, and we see each other minimum of once a week. I am currently working two jobs and in college so I usually leave for work at 8:30am and haven't been getting home until around 10pm at night Monday-Saturday (and sometimes Sunday too). I try to find time for her and even sacrifice time with my fiance for her, but it's never enough. I don't think I'll ever be enough for her.

I had a dance performance last night that she attended and we spent a little bit of time together after the performance. Today, I spoke with her on the phone this morning and she was very pleasant and said she would love to be at my father's place tonight for us all (me, my brother, fiance, father, and her) to have dinner. She showed up late to  dinner, I answered the door, and she refused to come inside. She went on to say how I don't care about her, and I never go to her place (even though I was there last weekend) and how I don't love her. Then within a few minutes of talking she started kissing my ears and whispering in my ear that I need to promise her that I will go on a weekend trip with her before I start classes again just the two of us. I would rather die than go anywhere with her.

I am very busy as I have one of the biggest shows of the year next weekend (I am a professional dancer as one of my jobs). She knows this, but her behavior doesnt change. She still complains I don't spend enough time with her. She is self-centered, self-obsessed, extremely vain, irrational, and often times downright mean. She does not care about me or my feelings, and tells me to "get over it" or "stop being so dramatic" anytime I express any emotion other than love or happiness.

I honestly feel hate towards her at this point. I have always tried to please her and sacrificed much of my teen years studying non-stop because that's what she wanted from me. I am now close to finishing my bachelor's degree at a top ranked school in the country and she still tells me I could have gotten into a better school. I try to spend time with her, even though I hate almost every moment I am with her. It's not enough. She complains about how terrible her life is non-stop and gets mad that I'm not sympathetic. Truth is she lives in a nice part of town, drives a nice car, works a good job where people love her, has lots of friends, is constantly being told how beautiful she is, and overall lives a good life... .I don't feel bad for her and I think she senses this and is angry at me because of it.

I wish she wasn't in my life. She causes me to feel anxious and depressed, I have so many self-esteem problems and cry almost every time after speaking to her. She is the meanest person in my life and creates unnecessary problems. I wish I never had to see her again, but I feel guilty that I feel this way

I don't know how to deal with her, I don't know how to keep myself sane. I have tried to create boundaries, but it seems to create adverse effects, she just keeps reacting stronger and stronger.

Sorry, for such a long post... .

[Learning2Thrive]

First, your post wasn’t that long. The information you shared is very helpful for us to understand what you are going through and it also helps others who are going through similar experiences. Many of the behaviors you have described sound very familiar to me and many members will be able to identify with you as well.

I’m so sorry your mother is behaving this way. You are dealing with a lot and in spite of your mother’s inappropriate behavior, you are succeeding in school and life. You should be very proud of yourself. You have resilience. Your mother should be very proud too, but instead she is stuck inside her mental illness.

Please don’t let her mental illness prevent you from enjoying a happy life filled with love.You did not cause her mental illness. You can not control it. You can not cure it. She is an adult who has the responsibility to pursue her own health and well-being.  

Mothers with BPD often view their children as extensions of themselves instead of separate individuals. It’s likely that her behaviors are escalating because she realizes you want to and you are separating from her (unless she can stop you).

It is NORMAL for you to feel the way you do about your mother’s behavior.

You mentioned wanting some tools to help you cope.

First, you might want to read over some strategies for reducing conflict:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

I also recommend setting boundaries: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Okay... .there’s lots more, but this will get you started and I’m sure others will be chiming in as well. Keep asking questions and feel free to talk with others who have similar threads. We’re here to listen and support each other.

  L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

I forgot to add... .

When you start implementing boundaries, it’s very likely her behaviors will worsen. This is called an extinction burst. It’s done to pull you back in line with the old behavior patterns she prefers.

Holding firm to your boundaries is about keeping you safe, not about punishing her. Remember that. You have the right to be safe.

Hang in there. We’re here and we can help you strategize if you want.

  L2T

[Harri]

EDIT:  I cross posted with L2T but will leave it here.  It is important info so repeating won't hurt. 

Hi and welcome!  I am glad you found us.  We can definitely understand and relate to your situation so you are in the right place.

I don't know how to deal with her, I don't know how to keep myself sane. I have tried to create boundaries, but it seems to create adverse effects, she just keeps reacting stronger and stronger.

As difficult as this is, it is to be expected.  Think of your family as a system that is used to functioning one way.  Any change in how you operate within that system (ie setting boundaries, saying no, etc) changes everything.  the rest of the family (your mother and any other members in the system) will push back to get you to go back to your usual role.  This happens even in 'normal' families.  When you have a pwBPD (person with BPD) the push to go back to the typical role in the system is ramped up even more.  They will dysregulate and go through extinction bursts.  

The important thing about boundaries is that you must stick with them.  Consistent boundary enforcement is critical otherwise you can actually reinforce your mothers dysfunctional behavior.  We can help you with that.  Learning2Thrive gave you an excellent article and I hope you read through it.  boundaries can be tricky so if you want to tell us what you have tried we can see if it needs a bit of tweaking.

Okay, I don't want to give you too much to read all at once.  I hope you settle in and get comfortable and ask any questions you may have.  We may not know all the answers, but we can certainly brainstorm along with you.

Again, I am glad you found us and can only encourage you to read and post more.  :)oing so is incredibly helpful.

Good to have you here.

[Turkish]

She flips between being obsessed with me to the point it seems that she is romantically interested in me

What does she do to have you feel like this? Do you feel that this is emotional incest, like she tries to make you a proxy romantic partner? Members here have dealt with this.  You are safe here to discuss what you are dealing with... .

I think I was Parentified (Parenting my mother)  more than the emotional incest,  but maybe a little of the latter. 

[naturalturn]

What does she do to have you feel like this? Do you feel that this is emotional incest, like she tries to make you a proxy romantic partner? Members here have dealt with this.  You are safe here to discuss what you are dealing with... .

I think I was Parentified (Parenting my mother)  more than the emotional incest,  but maybe a little of the latter. 

She tells me that I am the "love of her life" and that the love of her life has never been a man (my father) it has always been me. She says that she can't live without me and that she would kill herself without me. Up until about the age 14 she had me sleep in her bed with her, my father always slept in a separate room my entire life. She tells me even now that she wants me to come to her place and sleep in her bed with her. She tells me very intimate details about her relationship (well, past relationship) with my father that are very uncomfortable for me, like about their sexual life.
I believe it is emotional incest. She has always shared private things with me and closed my father out. She has expected me to comfort her and help with her problems since about the age of 12 when the recession started to impact our family financially. She never wanted my father to go with us if we went out somewhere, she has always just wanted to be with me. She has never showed him much affection, but with me she'll hang on me (physically) like a drape and whisper and kiss in my ears and try to rub my butt even in public. She'll whisper how much she loves me, how I'm the "love of her life," how "we used to be one," and "isn't it so amazing you came out of me."

[naturalturn]

The important thing about boundaries is that you must stick with them.  Consistent boundary enforcement is critical otherwise you can actually reinforce your mothers dysfunctional behavior.  We can help you with that.  Learning2Thrive gave you an excellent article and I hope you read through it.  boundaries can be tricky so if you want to tell us what you have tried we can see if it needs a bit of tweaking.

Thank you for welcoming me! I really appreciate it. Everything you said about extinction bursts makes sense. Logically, it all makes sense. I just have to learn to control my emotions and emotional reactions.

As far as boundaries, I moved out of the house, I don't text her back immediately like I used to, I try to speak on the phone with her max. once a day and only text her back if she calls more than once, I don't share almost any sensitive details about my life with her, I try to see her at most twice a week, but usually it's once a week (on the weekends) and tell her that it is just impossible for us to meet during the week as I am too busy (which I really am). I try to keep our meetings lighthearted and I have my fiance or father with me as she is nicer to me when others are around.

However, she genuinely wants me to spend every living moment with her. She would be thrilled to see all my relationships fall apart and for me to live in her apartment and be there at her every beck and call. Anything short of this ideal reality for her, is me being mean, hating her, not caring about her, not loving her, not making time for her, not prioritizing family, cutting her out of my life... .etc.

[naturalturn]

Please don’t let her mental illness prevent you from enjoying a happy life filled with love.You did not cause her mental illness. You can not control it. You can not cure it. She is an adult who has the responsibility to pursue her own health and well-being.  

Mothers with BPD often view their children as extensions of themselves instead of separate individuals. It’s likely that her behaviors are escalating because she realizes you want to and you are separating from her (unless she can stop you).

It is NORMAL for you to feel the way you do about your mother’s behavior.

You mentioned wanting some tools to help you cope.

First, you might want to read over some strategies for reducing conflict:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

I also recommend setting boundaries: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

  L2T

Thank you for all of this. Right now, it feels like a tremendous obstacle to live a happy life, it seems to just keep getting harder. It is very upsetting for me as my fiance really couldnt be any better. He is such a great person and I don't think I could have gotten this far without him. I feel bad that I can't enjoy our live together more because of my relationship with my mother.

Thank you for the resources. I will be sure to read through all the information.

[Learning2Thrive]

  naturalturn,

. Right now, it feels like a tremendous obstacle to live a happy life, it seems to just keep getting harder. It is very upsetting for me as my fiance really couldnt be any better. He is such a great person and I don't think I could have gotten this far without him. I feel bad that I can't enjoy our live together more because of my relationship with my mother

I’m so sorry for the upset and frustration you are feeling right now. Is there a way you can just take a break from your mom for a couple days? Just let her be responsible for her and you focus on you and your wonderful fiancé?

You surely could use some good self-care and time/space to give you rest and a clearer perspective. Hang in there. You are worthy and very much worth the effort.

 
  L2T

[Harri]

You know, we are all working on separating emotionally.  I am 52 and began seriously working on this about 15 years ago (give or take) and my mother died in 2007... .and I still struggle.  It gets better and the sooner you can emotionally detach or differentiate the better it is. 

Work on allowing yourself to act in your own best interests (you are not hurting anyone). 

Work on allowing your mother to have her own emotions.  None of this is not yours to own: 

However, she genuinely wants me to spend every living moment with her. She would be thrilled to see all my relationships fall apart and for me to live in her apartment and be there at her every beck and call. Anything short of this ideal reality for her, is me being mean, hating her, not caring about her, not loving her, not making time for her, not prioritizing family, cutting her out of my life... .etc.

She gets to have her own emotions and thoughts.  If she thinks you are mean, hate her, don't care it does not mean you are those things or are doing those things.  Think of it in terms of separation of self or a boundary that keeps you tending to and taking care of your own feelings and not being responsible for hers. 

The emotional separation I am talking about takes time and it can be incredibly hard because of the emotional incest and parentification you experienced and which she still wants to engage with you.  Having a mother who thinks you are being hateful hurts, as it should.  Separating will not take that hurt away but it will allow you to see yourself as you truly are, rather than through the filters of her dysfunction.

Does that make sense?

[naturalturn]

 naturalturn,

I’m so sorry for the upset and frustration you are feeling right now. Is there a way you can just take a break from your mom for a couple days? Just let her be responsible for her and you focus on you and your wonderful fiancé?

You surely could use some good self-care and time/space to give you rest and a clearer perspective. Hang in there. You are worthy and very much worth the effort.

 
  L2T

I guess I can... .I would just need to ignore her non-stop phone calls and text messages... .I don't know why that is so hard for me to do. Logically, I know I shouldn't feel bad ignoring her, but I still feel guilty.

I teared up reading that last sentence.  Thank you. I feel worse about myself every day that passes and just feel like a shell of who I used to be.

[naturalturn]

You know, we are all working on separating emotionally.  I am 52 and began seriously working on this about 15 years ago (give or take) and my mother died in 2007... .and I still struggle.  It gets better and the sooner you can emotionally detach or differentiate the better it is. 

Work on allowing yourself to act in your own best interests (you are not hurting anyone). 

Work on allowing your mother to have her own emotions.  None of this is not yours to own:   She gets to have her own emotions and thoughts.  If she thinks you are mean, hate her, don't care it does not mean you are those things or are doing those things.  Think of it in terms of separation of self or a boundary that keeps you tending to and taking care of your own feelings and not being responsible for hers. 

The emotional separation I am talking about takes time and it can be incredibly hard because of the emotional incest and parentification you experienced and which she still wants to engage with you.  Having a mother who thinks you are being hateful hurts, as it should.  Separating will not take that hurt away but it will allow you to see yourself as you truly are, rather than through the filters of her dysfunction.

Does that make sense?

That all makes sense. Thank you for the advice. I understand it all in my head, and know the things she says about me are not true, but it is such a hurdle for me to know feel guilty. You are absolutely right though, I need to take care of my feelings and not feel responsible for hers.

[Harri]

Yes, the guilt is difficult and so hard to get rid of.  I am a visual processor and used to imagine a glass wall between my mother and me.  her stuff stayed on her side of the wall, I could see it, understand it to a point but it was on her side.  I also talk to myself a lot and I would repeat over and over the guilt is only because of the unhealthy attachment and stuff like that.

Can you think of any visualization or phrase that would help you to remember and reinforce that the guilt for how your mother feels is not healthy?  Something else?  I would suggest something easy you can say to yourself regardless of where you are or what you are doing. 

I agree that knowing something intellectually is different than knowing it on an emotional level.  The key is to combine the two.  It takes time and practice but you can use mindfulness and Wise Mind to get there.  I can't remember if we gave you a link to our article on that so I am going to link it here anyway. 

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind  This is wonderful for managing feelings.  It takes time and practice but it works.  It can help with anxiety and panic attacks as well.

if you try it I would be interested in hearing your thoughts about it.

[looking4light113]

Naturalturn: I am new here too and have just recently discovered my mom has BPD tendencies. I can sympathize with much of what you are going through. My mom also had me sleep in her bed until I was a teenager. She would drop anything to hang out with me and my kids and wants to be with us all the time. I started therapy a year and a half ago to work through some childhood trauma and started to see how unhealthy our relationship was. I started to put boundaries in place but didn’t say them straight out to her but just tried to be around her less. She told me she was lonely because we weren’t spending time with her. She was living in a back house on our property and I asked her to move and she then turned my husband into the “all bad” person and started verbally abusing him every chance she got. I am not speaking to her now but it honestly feels so freeing. I had said so many of the same things you did about your mom even to the point of yelling I hate her and I want her dead (to my husband). I didn’t want her babysitting my kids from when my first was born but I would anyways because I didn’t know how to tell her no. I am so glad something horrible never happened to them in her care but she has been verbally absusive and physically rough with them. She has now been so mean to my husband that he never wants our kids alone with her and he doesn’t want to be around her out of fear that she might make up a story against him claiming elder abuse. It has gotten so crazy.

I love what learning2tbrive said- we didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, can’t change them. We just have to learn how to deal with them if we want a relationship with them. Have you seen the movie Grey Gardens? My mom would always joke about how we were going to end up like that- it’s sick.

I am wondering what kinds of boundaries you are thinking of having and what boundaries others have successfully enacted with their pwBPD?

This has been a great support for me and I hope you find it to be as well!

[naturalturn]

Naturalturn: I am new here too and have just recently discovered my mom has BPD tendencies. I can sympathize with much of what you are going through. My mom also had me sleep in her bed until I was a teenager. She would drop anything to hang out with me and my kids and wants to be with us all the time. I started therapy a year and a half ago to work through some childhood trauma and started to see how unhealthy our relationship was. I started to put boundaries in place but didn’t say them straight out to her but just tried to be around her less. She told me she was lonely because we weren’t spending time with her. She was living in a back house on our property and I asked her to move and she then turned my husband into the “all bad” person and started verbally abusing him every chance she got. I am not speaking to her now but it honestly feels so freeing. I had said so many of the same things you did about your mom even to the point of yelling I hate her and I want her dead (to my husband). I didn’t want her babysitting my kids from when my first was born but I would anyways because I didn’t know how to tell her no. I am so glad something horrible never happened to them in her care but she has been verbally absusive and physically rough with them. She has now been so mean to my husband that he never wants our kids alone with her and he doesn’t want to be around her out of fear that she might make up a story against him claiming elder abuse. It has gotten so crazy.

I love what learning2tbrive said- we didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, can’t change them. We just have to learn how to deal with them if we want a relationship with them. Have you seen the movie Grey Gardens? My mom would always joke about how we were going to end up like that- it’s sick.

I am wondering what kinds of boundaries you are thinking of having and what boundaries others have successfully enacted with their pwBPD?

This has been a great support for me and I hope you find it to be as well!

Wow, sounds just like my mom. I hope I can get to the point that we don't speak, but it seems like so difficult to get there. I have been reducing the number of texts this week dramatically and haven't called her once, however, she showed up unexpectedly at my work place on Tuesday and was all over me. Yesterday, she called my boss to ask if the gym beside my workplace is any good because she wants to start going there.

Even though I may be able to cut contact through technology, it seems she will still show up in my life and follow me. I went to the grocery store on the other side of my workplace and was looking over my shoulder constantly as I felt she may pop up somewhere. I hate feeling this way.

Basically, the only boundary I have is reducing the amount of text messages and calls I send/return.

[naturalturn]

Yes, the guilt is difficult and so hard to get rid of.  I am a visual processor and used to imagine a glass wall between my mother and me.  her stuff stayed on her side of the wall, I could see it, understand it to a point but it was on her side.  I also talk to myself a lot and I would repeat over and over the guilt is only because of the unhealthy attachment and stuff like that.

Can you think of any visualization or phrase that would help you to remember and reinforce that the guilt for how your mother feels is not healthy?  Something else?  I would suggest something easy you can say to yourself regardless of where you are or what you are doing. 

That's a good idea to have a visualization of the situation. I like the wall image, I'll keep that in mind for the next time I have contact with her because this guilt feels unbearable sometimes... .

[Harri]

naturalturn: 

Yesterday, she called my boss to ask if the gym beside my workplace is any good because she wants to start going there.

Wow.  Yeah, my mom did similar things.  She would call the office and chat with her "friends" (my co-workers) and tell them all sorts of personal stuff about me.     One time she knew I was going to the bank and I had left something important at home so she called the bank to ask them to tell me to go home and get it!    Really?  I set a 'boundary' by telling her to knock it off and that she was jeopardizing my job.  I also refused to take her phone calls at work (this was before cell phones  ) She got angry and raged but I did not back down.  You can't let fear of their reactions stop you.  Fight the guilt.  Say no.

lookingforlight113:

I am wondering what kinds of boundaries you are thinking of having and what boundaries others have successfully enacted with their pwBPD?

My mother never gave me problems in terms of social media (she was not computer savvy).  But I had to enact boundaries on everything from her barging in on me, to touching me inappropriately, to trying to control me, basically in every way.  Back then I had no idea of the tools that we have here so I sort of stumbled my way through.  There was lots of yelling,  on my part as well, extinction bursts to deal with and silent treatments as well. 

For me, fighting my own impulses was the hardest.  The knowledge that she depended on me to regulate her emotions, that I was making things harder for my brother and father Oh! the guilt... .ugh.  I had to learn to separate emotionally not just physically.  Differentiation is so hard after a lifetime of enmeshment and being an extension of someone.  Another member, Libra, mentioned in her thread https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326885.0;all that she feels like a piece of her is missing and I think that can happen to a lot of us.  It did for me.  I had to learn to be me without my mother who was such a huge presence in my life.   Whether you decide to go no contact or limited contact or even controlled contact, it is hard.  But worth it.

[Learning2Thrive]

Quoting Harri:

For me, fighting my own impulses was the hardest.  The knowledge that she depended on me to regulate her emotions, that I was making things harder for my brother and father Oh! the guilt... .ugh.  I had to learn to separate emotionally not just physically.  Differentiation is so hard after a lifetime of enmeshment and being an extension of someone.  Another member, Libra, mentioned in her thread https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326885.0;all that she feels like a piece of her is missing and I think that can happen to a lot of us.  It did for me.  I had to learn to be me without my mother who was such a huge presence in my life.   Whether you decide to go no contact or limited contact or even controlled contact, it is hard.  But worth it.

I’m so sorry your mother contacted your employer. That is such an over-step of boundaries and must make you feel violated. My mother did something similar when I was much younger and I was mortified.

Harri is right, becoming our own selves outside of our mothers who do not see us as having a right to our own identity is very difficult and a lot of work, but it is worth it! This is your one life. You get to choose how you want to live it. You are your responsibility. Your mother is NOT your responsibility.

We’re here to listen, support and cheer you on. Please take good care of you today, naturalturn.

  L2T