Female friend broke off our friendship

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey all just wanted to share. I had this female friend whom we both went through a breakup at the same time. her and her ex and me and my BPD ex. we both go to the same school, and my BPDex and her hate each other. they both are in the same club at school, which i left due to avoiding my ex. I was the president of the club.

Me and my friend have been there for another, texting, calling. I would meet her at night when she was crying about her current rs. her boyfriend does not like me, and i dont know why. a lot of guys see me as a threat to their gf's.

I started to suspect my friend starting to like me. She told me about sexual dreams she had of me, while she was with boyfriend. i never hit on her, or came off flirty with her. she was my good friend and i called her one of my bestfriends. but she didnt feel the same, and told me how guys and girls cant be bestfriends. over time, she ignored my calls, and texts. then we rekindled our friendship again when she was goign through stuff in her rs. I was always there for her. we met up at a music festival, her phone got stolen and i hugged her while she cried.

she then distanced herself again, and became cold. she set boundaries on how we cant talk on the phone anymore. but yet would call me when she needed someone.
whenever i asked her for relationship advice, she would tell me self sabotaging ideas and thoughts. how i deserve better, or how im being played. how these girls dont deserve me...

i distanced myself again. we made so many plans to meet and do photography together summer and all these plans. none of it happened. everytime i would ask to hang out, i would get the run around and hows shes busy but then see her with her friends after she told me she had to 'study".

she told me she feels uncomfortable around me. or any guy. uhm what? how do we go from being close friends to you feeling uncomfortable around me.

she told me we can only hang out if there is a group of people.
we hung out one time in a group setting, i took pics and she posted one of the pics i took. she gave me picture credit and her boyfriend and her faught. she told me i should come over to this kickback the next night. i drove 40 minutes to see her and the people. once i get there, her boyfriend and her are fighting. she leaves 10 minutes after i get there.

she would questions of who im with or what im doing at times. she went on a trip out of state, and didnt tell me. i asked her how she didnt tell me, and she told me "i didnt think i had to" but yet when i would ask why she needs to know of what im doing, she just "has to know and shes curious"

we didnt talk for a while. there was another group hang out and i didnt go. she didnt text me anymore. i tried texting but she ignored for a few weeks. then she replied to me on the day of my date with this girl i like. she told me how she didnt like the way our friendship was going, how she had to cut our friendship off. and how im a great guy and she wishes the best for me. blah blah.

just wanted to share.

[CryWolf]

Hey all just wanted to share. I had this female friend whom we both went through a breakup at the same time. her and her ex and me and my BPD ex. we both go to the same school, and my BPDex and her hate each other. they both are in the same club at school, which i left due to avoiding my ex. I was the president of the club.

Me and my friend have been there for another, texting, calling. I would meet her at night when she was crying about her current rs. her boyfriend does not like me, and i dont know why. a lot of guys see me as a threat to their gf's.

I started to suspect my friend starting to like me. She told me about sexual dreams she had of me, while she was with boyfriend. i never hit on her, or came off flirty with her. she was my good friend and i called her one of my bestfriends. but she didnt feel the same, and told me how guys and girls cant be bestfriends. over time, she ignored my calls, and texts. then we rekindled our friendship again when she was goign through stuff in her rs. I was always there for her. we met up at a music festival, her phone got stolen and i hugged her while she cried.

she then distanced herself again, and became cold. she set boundaries on how we cant talk on the phone anymore. but yet would call me when she needed someone.
whenever i asked her for relationship advice, she would tell me self sabotaging ideas and thoughts. how i deserve better, or how im being played. how these girls dont deserve me...

i distanced myself again. we made so many plans to meet and do photography together summer and all these plans. none of it happened. everytime i would ask to hang out, i would get the run around and hows shes busy but then see her with her friends after she told me she had to 'study".

she told me she feels uncomfortable around me. or any guy. uhm what? how do we go from being close friends to you feeling uncomfortable around me.

she told me we can only hang out if there is a group of people.
we hung out one time in a group setting, i took pics and she posted one of the pics i took. she gave me picture credit and her boyfriend and her faught. she told me i should come over to this kickback the next night. i drove 40 minutes to see her and the people. once i get there, her boyfriend and her are fighting. she leaves 10 minutes after i get there.

she would questions of who im with or what im doing at times. she went on a trip out of state, and didnt tell me. i asked her how she didnt tell me, and she told me "i didnt think i had to" but yet when i would ask why she needs to know of what im doing, she just "has to know and shes curious"

we didnt talk for a while. there was another group hang out and i didnt go. she didnt text me anymore. i tried texting but she ignored for a few weeks. then she replied to me on the day of my date with this girl i like. she told me how she didnt like the way our friendship was going, how she had to cut our friendship off. and how im a great guy and she wishes the best for me. blah blah.

just wanted to share.

[Turkish]

Did you feel friend zoned?

I put up with a lot more than I should have with women close to my age. One much older.  And then my ex (10 years younger).

When I look back,  I think I was attracted to emotionally immature women.  Needy.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Emotional Immaturity

This is one of my favorite discussions here. 

When I was in my early 20s, it was my partner at work,  14 years older. She was likely BPD. In my mid 30s, it was another woman at work, 11 years older, but I picked up on the fact that she wanted to use me to relive her perceived lost youth. She even told me that her teen daughter told her that she wished that her mom acted and dressed more her age. I congratulated myself on not ignoring the   with the second woman,  I only took her for a short ride on my sport bike then distanced myself because she was going firth a divorce,  and then I met my younger ex.  Pulled the trigger. Ended up here. 

I looked inward at this point.  Took a long personal inventory on why I was attracted to such women (I left another two out but won't go into it). I'm still taking inventory 

[CryWolf]

well i only saw her as my friend and nothing else. i thougth we were good friends. i never saw her romantically.

[Turkish]

she would questions of who im with or what im doing at times. she went on a trip out of state, and didnt tell me. i asked her how she didnt tell me, and she told me "i didnt think i had to" but yet when i would ask why she needs to know of what im doing, she just "has to know and shes curious

These kinds of interactions seem more than "buddies" to me, even of not exactly romantic. Would you talk like this with a male friend?

[CryWolf]

very true. When she kept asking me, i asked her why she needed to know? and shes not my girlfriend. and she responded with how shes curious. we tell each other a lot of things so it became normal. then when i saw pictures of her in a different state, i was surprised. how i tell her things or she wants to know, but wont tell me.

[Turkish]

I see this as maybe "quasi-romantic" do you think?

[CryWolf]

I see this as maybe "quasi-romantic" do you think?

Hm maybe? I sometimes drop what I’m doing for her. Listen whenever she needs me. Willing to go out of my way for her. But I thought that’s what you do for people you care about.

[EdR]

I think the 'sexual dreams' part is interesting. In what way did she tell you about that? I can't really imagine friends telling eachother that unless you are trying to give a major signal that you want to be more than friends OR to honestly discuss boundaries. I don't think saying this in a funny way would be appropriate.

I think this is really complicated territory: I still don't know what happened in my friendship. In your friendship I would say:
-) yes, she could have caught feelings for you
-) or she could be convinced that you caught feelings for her
-) or any combination of the above. For example: sexual dreams, trying to get some distance, you being surprised and not immediately complying, projecting her own developing feelings onto you, desperately wanting even more distance now etc. etc.

In brief: I fear I don't have any answers :-(

[CryWolf]

I think the 'sexual dreams' part is interesting. In what way did she tell you about that? I can't really imagine friends telling eachother that unless you are trying to give a major signal that you want to be more than friends

The first time, we were sitting together on campus she told me. I brushed it off. she also mentioned my thoughts on friends with benefits etc. I said i was open to it. she didnt say she wanted that, just my thoughts.
I was shocked and didnt know what to say. I was quite and changed subject the first time she told me the dream. second time, was on the phone. third time was over text. we joked about it those times. Shes had a boyfriend and in a committed relationship.

the mentions of the dreams happened around 7 months ago. we never made any sexual passes at another. when i see her i try hugging her as a friend but she doesnt want to. her cousin other female friends and I hug, so i just figured maybe shes old fashioned. idk .

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Crywolf-

Ummm... .”Old Fashioned Girls” do not tell boys they’ve had sexual dreams about them.  They just don’t.  I’m a girl, or I once was (I’m old now). And if I were to EVER say that to a guy, I would really be saying “how ‘bout making my dream come true!”  That’s more than a signal.

I’ve had many male friends in my day.  And my conversations with them centered on topics that my husband (or more recently BF) would have no problem listening in on.  If that weren’t the case, and it was something off color, I’d need to set the man straight, and have had to several times over the years.  Sorry Dude, you’re barking up the wrong tree, I’m married.

There’s harmless flirting.  And then there are things that clearly cross a line.  But that’s just my take.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Insom]

How do you feel about the friendship ending?

[CryWolf]

How do you feel about the friendship ending?

I knew it was coming. She kept wanting to end it, but then continue to talk to me. Her bf doesnt allow her to have friends of opposite sex. I tried telling her that isnt right. But none of my business, and i was probably over stepping my boundary telling people whats right and wrong.  It sucks we cant be friends, but im used to this.

[steelwork]

im used to this.

CryWolf: what is it you’re used to?

[CryWolf]

Getting close to someone. Then being abandoned.

[Turkish]

Getting close to someone. Then being abandoned.

To me it's being abused, shamed, and giving someone power over me to possibly put me in jail and destroy my life. I'm cynical enough that if I were abandoned, oh well? What's new?  In short, trust. I think that's the common theme.

No one likes to be abandoned. However, have you thought about digging deep into these core feelings? Is there a past in your FOO? Or teenage experiences?

[CryWolf]

Saw her today. We both were headed to the exit at campus. Smiled at each other and she said hey and I said hey and she walked past me. hoping we’d talk or catch up but nope. Oh well

[Insom]

Hey, CryWolf!  Congrats on your new semester at school.

It's nice she acknowledged you with a smile.  It sounds, though, like you hoped for a little more in the way of connection.  I can relate to feeling confused by friendships like these. 

How are you doing?  Anything else interesting happen today with friends/potential friends?

[BasementDweller]

Just from a female point of view (and I'm not super girly emotional female mind you... .) ;-) but it sounds like she did have feelings for you, but has a boyfriend and felt both guilt (about her bf, and the fact that she's attracted to you) and also sadness/rejection, because she likes you, but it wasn't happening, and you did not seem to be "taking the bait". I think it's that simple. Yes, she's likely very emotionally immature, sure, but I also think she's upset because she feels hurt/guilty/rejected so she can't handle "just" being your friend. It's too painful, so she avoids you.

It may blow over in time. She may not be totally happy with her BF, and is looking for an emotional crutch. If she doesn't find it with you, she may find it elsewhere, and end up relaxing around you and being able to be your friend again. Just tread cautiously, and try not to get in too deep with the drama that this friend group seems to have. It sounds like from what you describe that the boyfriend is controlling and jealous, the female friend is emotionally insecure, and through school ties, your BPDex is still a bit in the mix.

You might benefit from distancing yourself a bit from all of them and joining a new club, or finding some friends on campus that are far removed from that crowd? Maybe get a breather from emotionally needy people for a while. I had to do this with my ex. We are older than you and your friends, but everyone around him got sucked into his drama about our break-up. I had to cut ties with all of them, or he'd keep up the triangulation.   

[CryWolf]

It may blow over in time.

welp, we saw each other this morning, and smiled at another.

then... .she sent me a long message on facebook messanger just now. talking about her feelings, apologizing how our friendship wasn't normal for a guy/girl friendship, how we were too close. and it wouldn't be fair to our future partners. how it wasn't fair to them she would come to me for advice. She apologized about just leaving abruptly.

I agree on distancing myself. I have done this, I have left the club we all were in last semester due to my ex. our friend group i dont hang out with, because they were also connected to my expwBPD and her ex.

I do hang out with mutual friends of the mutual group who dont know my ex but know my ex. they seem like cool people, and i would like to pursue a friendship with that. but one of the guy's like i mentioned previously, dated the last girl whom i dated' best friend. Such a tongue twister .

It's nice she acknowledged you with a smile.  It sounds, though, like you hoped for a little more in the way of connection.  I can relate to feeling confused by friendships like these. 

How are you doing?  Anything else interesting happen today with friends/potential friends?

Hey! Yes i was confused but i accepted/respected her choice. However, when she just messaged me she told me how she wants us to talk without hostility or resentment towards another, so im confused if she wants this friendship to proceed or not.

I am doing okay, school started, and all of a sudden, a lot of feelings from my breakup with my expwBPD resurfaced. I think its because of school, and all the memories we shared there. its been tough managing the emotions. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328059.0;all

Besides those feelings, I have been meeting a lot of people on campus, and reconnecting with old classmates! before i was always alone on campus and never knew anyone. now, i feel so many people gravitating towards me. getting compliments or giving compliments on campus to people, or just random conversations. its great. i do have my moments of feeling down and depressed, but i am trying to manage.

I do see my therapist tomorrow after 4 weeks.

I also got invited to this yacht party by these girls, and some concerts and a music festival from them. my friend told me her friends like me and they want me to come along. i never imagined i would be given these experiences before. im grateful.

[pearlsw]

Oh CryWolf,

She is so into you. Very obvious. You aren't getting the clues and she's embarrassed. Once you both cross that line into romance, it is hard to get it back in the other direction so don't cross it unless you are prepared to maybe lose her altogether.

May I ask... .you are interested in dating... .is she someone you would ever want to go on a date with? I'm confused. Is she single now?

take care out there, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Oh CryWolf,

She is so into you. Very obvious. You aren't getting the clues and she's embarrassed. Once you both cross that line into romance, it is hard to get it back in the other direction so don't cross it unless you are prepared to maybe lose her altogether.

May I ask... .you are interested in dating... .is she someone you would ever want to go on a date with? I'm confused. Is she single now?

Hey Pearl! It took me a while to respond to this, but here we go.

I did make some flirty jokes here and there but she would say things like 'ew" or "noo". so I assumed she wasnt interested although it was passive flirting.

I dont mind dating her. I did think about it at times.

I dont ever think she liked me, because she always talked about her bf and how he does things for her. etc. I never thought more of it.

I messaged her back telling her, i accepted her apology. How what she did was immature but I understand. I told her how our views on friendships differed. How I fought my BPDex to keep her as a friend, while she didnt want to when her ex told her to stop being friends with me.

Im not sure if she's still with him.

She told me how she appreciated everything, and our friendship. she told me how she never saw me a bestfriend. How she never had feelings for me, but she had the "what if thoughts" if we dated. and it wasnt right to her boyfriend.

We ended up talking for a bit.

 She told me how shes there for me and i told her im there for her, etc. She kept saying she didnt want any animosity between us. and i told her there never was.

i saw her a few days later on campus, and then messaged her telling her it was nice seeing her and how she looked flustered. then we stayed up talking again. we talked for a few hours until 2am.

we were laughing, about random things and sharing music. I asked her about her family and the situation of her grandparents who were sick, etc. the convo kept going.

she seemed more interested than before, idk. like i have this feeling she likes me.

I messaged her the next day telling her i hope she had a great day and she wished the same.

... .

fast forward a week, I saw her on campus today and said hey, and she looked up and kept smiling at me. She smiles so much when she sees me now. idk. Im not trying to overthink it.

I wanted to message her just now, but she blocked me on facebook.

[pearlsw]

Hey Pearl! It took me a while to respond to this, but here we go.

I did make some flirty jokes here and there but she would say things like 'ew" or "noo". so I assumed she wasnt interested although it was passive flirting.

I dont mind dating her. I did think about it at times.

Hey CryWolf,

She sounds very interested to me. It's how she mentions the other guy that helps you get the signals. Does she put up a clear wall, or seem to be questioning (upon further reflection) if she is with the right guy?

Just keep an eye on it. I bet the right moment to take it a step further, if you want, will present itself.

Oh, and I've never dated someone who was a friend first, well, maybe my first boyfriend, but they all became best friends. Friendship is a great basis for a friendship so enjoy and cherish this phase of things, these long conversations! They can get better and better and be things you never forget in life! Just an amazing, unforgettable moment of connection!

warmly, pearl.

p.s. There is a chance she likes you. I've had a few male friends who I would never have dated, but were great friends. But this could be more. Time will tell. I am sure, let me tell ya, the thought has crossed her mind about you. If it could be more.

[CryWolf]

Thank you Pearl! 

I’m not sure she stopped talking about him as we just started talking again. It’s not my place to ask so I stay out of it since we aren’t close like before. We are in a weird position.

I did see her today talking on the phone, and other times. So perhaps. I was weary of saying hello to her because I didn’t want her boyfriend to hear a guys voice and get her in trouble so I assumed it was him although she said hello back and smiled and seemed like she wanted to converse. I respected she was on the phone and left. As my other friends were also waiting for me and I was getting food for another female friend of mine. (Friend recently mentioned in  “I met a girl Part 3”  

At the age of 24, I finally have a social life. All my friends are back across the country. For years I wanted friends... I finally have friends at my school and In this state. It’s exciting. Sorry ioff topic . I’m enjoying the school semester!

I have also never dated a friend first. I’ve also never really dated anyone before my BPDex. After our relationship, this summer I started getting attention from all these girls and making all these friends.

I still need to work on myself. I’m not looking for a relationship anymore and just want to focus on my goals and put  myself first for once. Dating this summer put a foul taste on things but it also helped me grow and mature.

However, she blocked me so I’m not sure why. My guess is, either not fair to her boyfriend. Which my classmate who is friends with her told me she probably stopped talking to me because her boyfriend is coming home soon from the military.

Or she blocked me because she couldn’t control her emotions for me. (I sound full of myself I know )

[pearlsw]

Thank you Pearl!  

However, she blocked me so I’m not sure why. My guess is, either not fair to her boyfriend. Which my classmate who is friends with her told me she probably stopped talking to me because her boyfriend is coming home soon from the military.

Well if she did than good for her for doing things the right way! One relationship at a time and no messy boundaries! Overlap = not good.

Or she blocked me because she couldn’t control her emotions for me. (I sound full of myself I know )

hahaaha. Now you make me think of CryWolf being the cover model for a romance book! hahahahaaha.

Okay, good. Hit those books. Get smarter and smarter, set yourself up for a good job and a good life, and enjoy that social life fella!    

[CryWolf]

Thank you for the good laugh and smile

I bumped into her on campus again. This time I went up to her and smiled and she smiled back. My heart was racing. I haven’t felt this way by her before. It could be nothing. I was excited. I had to go though and she was on the phone and I didn’t want to interrupt.

I saw her again the next day. And this time I approached her again and we smiled and I kept it really really brief. It always seems like we hvwso much to say to each other and we both smile and I feel this insane intensity from glancing in her eyes but wwords don’t come out from both of us. I  wanted to sit with her but I was with a classmate already.

She always sees me walking with a different girl. Not that it should matter.

[EdR]

Hi Crywolf!

Been a long time. I haven't been on these boards lately and I feel that helped me a little.

Please be careful here. Remember what I said in this thread? Just like in your case all people and professionals were sure that my friend caught feelings for me. I doubted that for a long time though... .Now I am almost positive she indeed caught feelings for me at some point, but she has a really awful way of dealing with those feelings.

You seem to be in a similar place. PLEASE don't ignore the warning signs: one does not simply block someone on FB!
I fear you are dealing with the 3rd option I described in my first reply in this thread. An awful combination of catching feelings herself and projecting that unto you (and therefor denying her own feelings). If you'd pursue in any way now, it might lead to her painting you black. Because 'oh my gosh, is this guy blind or something? Didn't he get the message when he blocked me on FB?'


Please be careful.

[CryWolf]

Hey EDR,

I just implemented your approach a few moments ago. I saw her sitting alone on campus. She looked up and saw me, and turned her head back down. I didnt say anything, and walked by her. No hello or anything.

I figured the black and white thinking wouldnt apply here since she is nonBPD. But I believe it can also be implied with anyone. She was the one who said she wanted us to continue to say hi and greet each other on campus and not make it awkward. So I figured why not?

[CryWolf]

Update:

Since last posting, I would see her on campus and I finally approached her and asked if I can sit with her. We both studied and caught up. Things were good. Another day  I we walked together and sat waiting for her next class. We ate at the table and joked and the only facial expressions I would see on her face were laughter and smiles.

I had no indications that she didn’t want me there and I would even ask if it was okay if I can be there. I even brought up her boyfriend and how he’s doing and recommended some places to go together when he visited back from the army.

We text here and there and I assumed okay we are probably okay with being friends again. I of course keep my distance and keep it minimal at best.

I see her today after almost over a week. I saw her and walked from behind and gave her a quick side hug, and walked away and she smiled and said hey and I said hey and I left to my next class with my female classmate.

A few minutes this is what I receive through text...

Her: please don’t do that again.
Her: I would kindly appreciate if you could just stop all together as well. I get that you want to be friends, but you’re making me uncomfortable.
Me: I’m sorry.

Then I blocked her. . I can’t take the emotional stress keeping a friendship with her is causing me. It’s ups and downs and there is boundaries I don’t know about. Her text also made me feel like she feels obligated to be my friend. I don’t deserve that. I felt low and like poop.

Then later in class, it was affecting me and I told a mutual friend what happened. The friend told me, she’s not the type of person to accept hugs. I told her I personally felt utterly horrible and low from reading her text.

Later in class, me and her were being sarcastic to another and then she says “no wonder people cut you off”. I know when to be sarcastic with people but I don’t take it that personal like this mutual friend did. This also hurt. But I’m trying not to take it to heart and ruin my day.

[CryWolf]

To add on to my last post, I texted the mutual friend saying "im sorry if i made you mad in class" and she left me on read.

I told this mutual friend a lot of events and so has she, and her saying how people cut me off. really really made me feel that there is something wrong with me and why i cant keep relationships whether friends or lovers.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Crywolf-

I’m sorry you’re feeling rejected.  I do understand that feeling.  Please do your best NOT to judge yourself this harshly.  I have to say, I think there is a high level of sensitivity that can affect us after we exit relationships with pwBPD.  After all... .we have been criticized for a LOT of invalid things, and subconsciously, those words do linger just beneath our surface for quite some time.

As an older person I can say with certainty, some people can dish out the sarcasm, but they CANNOT take it in return.  If you feel like it, can you share what you said that your classmate was responding to when she said “no wonder people cut you off”?   And not to be “sexist”, but young women can be especially sensitive to certain types of sarcasm.  I know... .I WAS a young woman and I have a sharp wit.  I could use it with my male colleagues, but NOT with my female colleagues (close female friends, yes).

People generally told me way too much.  But I was very selective about who I shared what information with, including which parts of my humor; and in time, you will hone your selection skills.  You’ll find that will serve you well.

Crywolf-
I have read your posts and see you as a loving and thoughtful young man with so much to offer.  Please don’t allow limited thinkers to ground your flight.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes