Husband has BPD is Domestically Abusive, Have a 2 Year Old and I Want to Leave

[ms.schlee]

I met my husband after I had gotten out of a bad relationship. He seemed like the perfect boyfriend and everything moved so fast. Within the matter of months, I had moved in to his apartment. I see now that there were many red flags along the way.

I got rid of most of my belongings when I moved in, I lost all of my friends and was encouraged to quit my job to work for myself(loss of security), I assumed paying most of the bills and took over most of the household responsibilities as he finished up grad school.

Last year we made the decision to move cities, leaving all of our friends and our support network behind for the hope of better jobs and a better life for our child. I wasn't able to get a job for 4 months, eating through all of our savings. I ended up doing some work to make ends meet that really didn't fit with my idea of who I was as a person. But, you do what you have to in order to keep food on the table and a roof over your and your baby's heads.

During this time in our new city, my husband became severely depressed and with that, sexually violent, emotionally and verbally abusive and has twice slapped me across the face. He had always been somewhat emotionally abusive, and at times verbally abusive. I had thought at the time that it was my fault. His behavior has continued to escalate the longer that we have been away from our support network.

I don't think that I love my husband anymore. I recently spent some time away with my family and they voiced their concern and fear for my safety when I told them some of the things he has said and done. I showed them some text messages.

They are all encouraging me to leave him and to be completely honest, I want to. I am the primary caregiver of our child, manage the house and manage all of the bills. My daughter slept better while were away and was so much better behaved. I thought she was having the terrible two's, but now I think she is reacting to the tension in our relationship.

I cannot afford to be a single mom currently and I know he would fight for custody, which I absolutely do not want him to have. I truly don't know how to proceed. I keep thinking if I just wait it out until I get a promotion, then I can do it. However, it is a daily struggle. He has recently begun threatening to commit suicide because I make him miserable. He is talking about how he would do it, and seems to be excited about it.

My line of what is acceptable keeps moving and I really don't know what to do.

My family lives across state lines about 4 hours away and they want me to bring my daughter and come home. I don't know if legally I can even do that.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dearest Ms.schlee-

Welcome to our wonderful and supportive community.  I am so sorry for what you and your child are having to endure, and for the confusion you are experiencing.  We are here to support you in any and every way we can, so PLEASE keep talking to us.

We are a completely anonymous community.  But I urge you to keep your involvement here hidden from your H.

First, has your H been diagnosed with BPD, and if so, does he acknowledge his diagnosis and has he ever sought treatment?

Second, I am so glad that you’ve begun to trust your FOO (family of origin) enough to begin sharing some of what’s happening to you.  Did you disclose the extent of the physical violence?  I am deeply sorry for the violence.  I have been a victim as well.  There is NEVER an excuse for that.  NEVER.  After he assaults you, how does he behave toward you?

If you’ve not yet done so, I strongly encourage you to contact your local domestic violence hotline to begin a dialogue of what has happened.  You want to establish a record, of both the sexual violence and the hitting.  If and when you do decide to separate, this will assist you with custody.  You will have a record of leaving for physical safety reasons.  And please keep in mind, you are allowed to call 911 if he hits you.

“Love” sometimes has to become irrelevant... .as sad as that sounds.  The safety and wellbeing of you and your child are paramount.  When our partners escalate to the point of violence, sometimes asking ourselves how we feel just isn’t a question.  My 19-year marriage ended the night he threw me across the room.  That was the first and last time he ever raised a hand toward me.  (He is not the reason I’m here.)

When your BPDh makes his suicide threats, is there a general situation or discussion that leads to these threats?  Are you in the home WITH him when he makes these threats?  Do you feel the baby is at risk when he makes these threats?  Do you believe he is serious about these threats?  Are there firearms in your home?  We do at times tell members to call 911 if they feel the threat is serious, or to inform their pwBPD that they will need to call 911 if a threat is made.  But you don’t want to place yourself in danger if your H thinks you are threatening HIM.

A very comforting thing is that you have a supportive family.  Please keep that contact, no matter how BPDh tries to isolate you from them.  If you need to escape, you know your family will welcome you ; you have a safety net.  If you really feel things escalating, it’s often good to prepare a “go bag”; maybe something you leave at a friend’s house or at work.  Something with diapers, changes of clothes for the baby and you, etc.  things your BPDh won’t notice are gone from the house.

Are BPDh’s comments about you “making him miserable” something new?  Does he provide explicit reasons WHY he is feeling so miserable that he would want to take his own life (aside from “punishing” you)?

Finally, please know that you are NOT the reason for ANY of this.  NONE of it.  He had these behaviors and feelings way before you ever met him.  To pwBPD, feelings = facts.  There are tools on this site to assist you with better understanding BPD, tools to assist with communication skills (i.e. don’t JADE) and tools for establishing boundaries, among other things.  When you have time, take a look.  I would start with JADE as far as communication tools.  We all do it without knowing it.

Again, I am so very sorry for what you’re going through.  There is help and you’re so much stronger than you think.  Above all, the safety of you and your baby come first.

Please stay with us and keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[livednlearned]

Hi ms.schlee,

I'm glad you reached out, and sorry for what brings you here

You know that you are not the reason for your husband's depression and suicidal ideation... .

And that you deserve to be happy and feel safe.

Taking a step toward self-care and self-preservation is a big one. I know there is a lot of heart ache and pain that led to this point, and hope you know that you're not alone, that you have people here who are here to share support and collective wisdom.

It's a good sign that your family will express their concerns, and they offer some degree of support. It sounds like you could stay with them indefinitely until you got back on your feet, but that you need a plausible reason to go for that long? The legal part doesn't typically kick in until a custody motion has been filed. Until then (at least in most states), a parent is free to visit family in another state. You'll want to find out how long you have to reside in your home state before you can file.

Do you feel safe reaching out to an attorney, one who does free consultations? Gathering information so you know what ducks go in what rows can help manage stress, cutting down on some of the uncertainty that adds to anxiety.

Do you have a safe place to be documenting the abuse? Regardless of where you file, most of us found it was essential to shine light on the behaviors, and there are important ways you can document some of this to help strengthen your case.

It took me a year to plan my exit. It's a long time when you think of abuse measured by the hour  My ex was a former trial attorney and I was terrified I would lose to someone with such a big home court advantage. He fought for custody but never really wanted it, and dysregulated so badly that he eventually lost everything. It wasn't a pretty sight and I would never wish it on anyone. I mention it because there are all kinds of things (and people) who show up to carry you on their wings, making things easier than expected.

Whatever choice you make, I'm glad you found us. This place changed my life and carried me thru some pretty dark times. I'll be paying it forward for a long time   so other people like us don't have to struggle more than necessary. It's already a lot to overcome.

 

LnL

[ForeverDad]

Over the years I have concluded that there are two basic reasons for suicidal remarks... .(1) Either he really does have suicidal thoughts or (2) he is stating them to control, influence, intimidate or manipulate you.  Around here the second possibility is more common.

However, authorities will say you're not qualified to decide which it is.  Even if you were a doctor or psychologist, they'd tell you that you're too close to the relationship.  After all, even doctors don't treat their own families, the emotional component would make that a concern.  So what to do?  As hard as this seems, reporting this and letting the emergency responders or hospital staff handle it is best.  They have the training and impartiality.  Big problem arises, your spouse will probably Deny making suicidal comments.  Your word against his and odds are they may step back, pack up and leave.  That's why you either need witnesses to the suicidal comments or have them documented or recorded.  Of course, that may only work once, after that your spouse will always suspect you're recording.

Which type of ideation does it appear to you?  Intended to harm himself?  Or to guilt, control or manipulate you?

As the others wrote, he's an adult and is responsible to a great extent for his own welfare.  You have a child as well as yourself to worry about, that's your top priority.