Need help with contact with daughter

[Livermore]

Hello,
My daughter showed traits of BPD in high school. Police involvement, self harm, physical attacks, trying to separate myself and her dad on separate sides, running away, violent outbursts, hospital stays, so much more. She was diagnosed BPD at 19. I pretty much went over the edge and sought therapy and took meds for a year to get through the irrational life I was living. She currently is 21, has a job, supports herself, lives in her own apt and pays bills. I cannot be around her as she always starts a commotion with my husband, her Dad, saying he needs to apologize for what her life was in high school and it is his fault. Side note she has told her current boyfriend she has BPD, and asked him to research what it entails. I feel bad that I must keep her away from my life, miss her, but the whirlwind it entail to even have dinner with her, is too much and has a negative impact on me. Its hard,sad and exhausting. Help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Livermore.  Glad you found us... .sorry you had to.

I'm one of the older parents participating on/in this forum.  We have lived this hellish life with our daughter for 40 years now and I so wish I had taken a stand similar to yours in those early years.  Maybe, just maybe the situation would not have escalated to the point it is at now for us.

I can't tell you the number of times she cut us out of her life (at the drop of a hat!) and the life of our grandchildren.  Sometimes the no-contact period would go on for years and I gotta tell ya, I have cried buckets. 

So, now we are in a period of no contact again but this time... .our choice.  Her verbal abuse was escalating to the point where a counsellor warned us this could/might turn to physical abuse.  What happens when age has taken its toll and I cannot look after myself?  It is me, her Mom, she targets... .not my husband, her Dad. 

So... .barriers had to be put up... .now!   She has been told that the next time we meet has to be in a counsellor's office and she is adamant that will never happen and I am so okay with that!  Life is so much calmer now that we are not sitting on pins and needles wondering when her next rage would surface.

I so urge you to stick with us... .do your homework.  There is so much information to the right |--->with links to more.  Learn to put you and your husband first.  Communicate boundaries and limits with your daughter (see right |---> and get on with your life.   Great to read that she is self-sufficient... .working and paying her own bills.

Making changes is not always easy... .baby steps, baby steps... .but when you start getting that feeling of being empowered... .you will crave more.  Cancel out those  feelings of guilt because that will keep you a victim and she will continue to be a bully.   

I love my daughter... .just don't like her so much.  I'm sure you feel the same.

Hope you keep sharing. 

Huat

[Livermore]

Oh Huat,
your refreshing reply brought tears. I very much agree with you much to be learned with the information that is here on this site. I am 61 yrs old, have retired, and moved on with this part of life, traveling quite a bit.
My therapist advised me a couple yrs back and at a tune up session a few months back to avoid contact. It is hard, and there are great moments of sadness. I had no choice than to be with her for three days about a week ago. My mother in law, her grandmother passed away in another state, and I made arrangements for her to fly, attend services and then fly out. She started her usual tirade of Dad needs to apologize, ect, and for the most part I was successful not to buy into it or escalate it. Home now, wondering if my sadness is the passing of my husbands lovely mom or the sadness of her actions and my loss of dreams, or both.
That being said, I agree time to move forward. I worked 30yrs for the govt, raised 4 steadily employed, self sufficient children, my heart gets in the way sometimes.

[Blueskyday]

Hi, am so sorry for you. Currently I am juggling the relationship with a Grandchild and 28yr old with traits . Its a living hell. Its like she's there but she is emptý. She's currently drinking and having fun whilst I am Mothering the child. I dont regret the time I spend the child. She's not well looked after in her house. I feed her, teach her things and play .

Currently we have contact but its very much one sided. Every day that passes sees us a bit further apart...

Sadness in the extreme. You just can't describe it

[DoneMom]

Livermore, Blueskyday and Huat:

Wow, you all really capture the frustration and sadness of having a adult BPD child.  I feel for you as I have been dealing with this for a long time too. I want to have a life of my own now at age 55. 

My husband wants to take me on a month long tour of south east Asia in January. I really, really want to go but I fear making any plans because of the instability of my 23 year old daughter... .

You know what a conflict this is as well as many others here I am certain. 

DMom

[abcdefg1]

Wow can I truly relate to you all! I am now in a period of limited to no contact witht he grandkids as my 30 yo DD has BPD and I believe NPD as well. She is doing 'what is good for her' and only allows us 'day visits on special occasions' which are hell because she never gives us a moment alone with the kids, always hovering and micromanaging to the point where we cant even enjoy them. However, I am so done. I used to ask (read:beg) for holiday/weekend time. Now at this point, I realize that it is over bc I cant put myself thru the pain of living visit to visit, call to call. the grandkids actually lived her for a short time and it was amazing bc she wasnt here except once or twice a week (and BTW they are at their WORST with her around). However now that she has continued to push us away and set time limits  even when we can see them (I think it was 6 times all told last year) I just cant anymore. My advice to you all is: Live your life. Find your joy elsewhere. I have no other children/grandhildren so if u do, lucky you. Enjoy them. be with the grandkids when u can but if you cant, just dont think about it like I used to, and obsessabout them like I used to. Put your husband first (if you have one) or yourself and your health first. Just live life. You will find it to be so much better for you. And yes I do cry buckets too... but then I wash my face and move on. Its her loss, not ours, and i hope that one day when the grandkids get older, they will come find us on their own. I pray alot and trust God in Heaven who sees everything, that one day this will happen. Best of luck to ou and know that that I do feel your pain, and send hugs. All the best.

[Blueskyday]

Awwe abc,
heartbreaking... .I agree with what you have said. We need to get a life because they don't feel what we feel.I think at times we all disconnect from this truth. We break down and they just go through their day focusing on whatever drama is next.

I have done a 180 because of the amazing people here and wonderful advice. I am crawling back from the brink. How sad our kids don't get to see us, share us. Sad for them but you can't rescue someone who needs you to drown first

[Feeling Better]

Hello Livermore

My heart goes out to you and I am sorry to hear what your daughter has put you through.

It is good to hear that your daughter is managing to hold down a job and support herself financially. My uBPD son also is able to work and support himself, he is very intelligent, I consider him to be high functioning in those respects. He is NC with me. His choice.

Huat offers you some excellent advice. I understand how sad you feel to have to keep her out of your life and you say that you miss her, do you think that if you looked at different ways of interacting with your daughter, that would be something that you would consider? 

DoneMom, the trip your husband wants to take you on sounds wonderful, I really hope that you are able to work something out so that you can do it. You deserve to have a life of your own. What’s your husband’s view on this? 

Blueskyday I love this what you have said:

... .you can't rescue someone who needs you to drown first

How true! So few words that say oh so much. Thank you 

[allone]

Soo sad for all of you.

My adult child has finally been diagnoised. Had a psychotic break at 15, and we went into mental health but they would not diagnois at that age or even help further than telling us it was my fault according to the DSM, and now finally she has her diagnosis. It has been hell for me as well, and for her.

We have contact now but, she limits it. It is the percieved abandonment everytime I can or will not give into her expectations, sometimes unrealistic, or not in my best interest that is heartbreaking for me. That seems to be the catalist for her feeling abandoned and her rage at me.

She is employed and has support in her group of peers. Iam thankful for this. I do not feel alone and like Iam the only one wh understands her illness. Her attention seeking directed at me fulfilling her emotional needs has lessened.  I think about three days is the max we can spend together without her moods becoming unbalanced. I feel that twith this illness, she needs time alone to regulate. 

Two years ago I lost my 18 year old son. My daughter and son had gotten into a fight that had turned violent. She called the police on him. She was unable to see her role in breaching his boundaires, and played it to the hilt. It resulted in pending charges, and them being estranged and put me in a very challenging positon. I saw both sides were wrong in part with in how they handled the situation.I was traveling at the time and got the phone call from the police.  I did not go to court to support either one. My son died before the end of the court proceedings in a hit and run accident. They never did make amends with eachother.

 That is when her BPD and seperation became worse. She tried to convince me she was the right one in the situation and win my sole favour but there were two sides to the situation.She began to seperate from me more after that and find her own life. We are on good terms but, she limits contact with me and has not been home much since. I had to at one point change the locks on the door and tell her she could not come into the house and tirade as it was not her home anymore. She had a residence, and I had a partner living with me that I wanted to have  stick around.

Boundaries are so important with these children. She eventually respected the restictions. It was brutally hard on me to have to do that and Iam sure on her. but, I feel at the time it was for the best. Her life is good right now a job friends and activities she enjoys. Iam happy for her but wish the quality of our relationship were different.  It is soo hard to love someone soo much but not be able to be with them in the way you would like. When your soft underbelly is showing they seem to strike the hardest and wound the deepest.

Thank-you all for sharing your experiences. It is good to know Iam not the only parent out there that is going through this heartbreak.   

[Huat]

Hello Allone

In a word... .Wow!

This post of yours is so powerful, I wish it had been the start of a new thread to highlight it more.

There are the times, when I am licking my own wounds, that I click onto this website and start reading the stories of others, like yours... .like Livermore's.   My focus shifts from me to the authors of those posts and I feel the need to send a ((HUG)  and to say I am so, so sorry for what has happened with/to you... .and also to say, "Welcome!  Welcome!  Welcome!".

I am sure if each of us revealed our status, who WE are in real life, the spectrum would be wide and varied.  While we would probably pass each other on the street and not take notice, the common denominator on this board is that we are loving parents/grandparents whose stories differ but are experiencing the same heartaches... .a bond that unites us.

One translation I see in the moniker you have chosen... ."Allone"... .is "All alone"... .makes me think back to before I found this forum.  I did feel alone, so alone!  No one in my family or circle of friends could relate to the stories I told... .or wanted to tell... .but couldn't because of the shame I felt.

Then there is the other translation I can see... ."All One"... .and I nod my head and smile.  Yep!  Conjuring up that vision of being part of a group, not standing alone, is comforting to me... .and I hope for all the others here.

So many who first come on board have not been able to reach the point you have, Allone... .have not been able to set boundaries... .are afraid to do so because of the fallout that may occur.  For them it is so important to read posts like yours where you have taken a stand.  I am sure that stand has not made the relationship with your daughter the one you would ideally want it to be... .but... .you have thought through what you felt needed to be done and have gotten on with your life.  That is not to say you have abandoned your daughter.  As soon as they were born, our role as parents was to teach them and a lot of that teaching was by example.  We are still parents and the teaching-by-example continues. 

Glad to have you here, Allone.  Hope you continue to share... .the good... .and the not-so-good.

Huat   ; )