Exhausted- If it weren't for my 3 year old, I would divorce my BPDw in a second

[Red5]

Good Morning Living,

You'll get a kick outa this... .this was me about eighteen months ago,

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304834.0;all

... .yeah, things were pretty bad back then, but today... .things are very different.

So what changed, .me?... .or my uBPDw?

I don't think she has "changed", .but she has had to adjust her behaviors in order to get along with me, .yes, I just said that, that's what I think has happened, .have I changed, no I have not, but I have made a concerted effort to "be true to myself" so to speak, and to STOP reacting to u/BPDw's constant mayhem/behaviors.

Someone said here a long time ago, .something to the effect, ."never let a disordered person be in control of your happiness"... .what she does, is what she is going to do, .she is what she is, .somewhere along the line, I guess I decided I'd had enough, and I started to become very rigid, and I stopped trying to make her "happy", at my own great expense, as it was like trying to fill a bucket with water, that had a huge hole in the bottom, as in; an exercise in futility.

So I stopped "it", I stopped pouring water into that old bucket with the giant hole in the bottom... .she wailed, cried, yelled, and went ballistic, ie' “extinction burst" because I effectively "ended" her control over me... .but you see, I had reached a point of "apathetic despondency", .I “gave up”… which was followed by a feeling of "I really don't care anymore"... .divorce threats be damned... .so if she were to leave I thought to myself, then "good for me", .but she stayed, as for me… I am certainly going nowhere (fast)... .when we married, we joined households (long story)... .and my home became the "operating base"... .so I am not leaving,

It really reached a crescendo point back in January of 2017, and I found this website, .thank God for that !

As I have continued to learn, things have improved imho (?), albeit she has not changed, no not really, she is still who “she is”; no I do not think she has changed at all, but she has learnt to “respect my boundaries”… it’s been brutal, yes it has… talk about square peg into the round hole !… she has "curbed” her behaviors somewhat, my observation,  as there have been hard wired consequences initiated (now) when she "acted out"... .ie’ boundary enforcement… and she did not like that, so she has stopped a lot of those behaviors resultant... .she does slip her rail from time to time, but nowhere near as bad as it was eighteen months ago, or even during the last seven years plus we've been married, (she is my second wife).

Anyways, .there it is, .no easy answers, as for me, myself, I have taken on this persona of live and let live, when she is acting like a crank, I disengage, detach, and defend (not JADE) myself, by “defend”, I am saying that; I practice something I call “disciplined indifference”… as in “I don’t give a “F” anymore,  … so say (her) what you will, do what you will, but STAY away from me while you are having your meltdown, I am sick and tired of dealing with your BS, I have tried to help you but I have failed, I will no longer tolerate your behavior towards me, in such a negative manner, it’s not my fault, I did not do anything wrong, you need to back off!… thinking to myself, NOT saying it… ie’ disciplined indifference (rigid).

I my say something like… “ok, your feeling like your heart is racing, (take charge), ok then… and your BP is off the meter too, well roger that !… then GET INTO the truck, we are GOING to the ER right NOW” (been there done that)… and if she says no, and starts into some other BS… then I say, “then that’s your decision, and I will leave you to it”… and then leave her alone (disappear).

She has learned NOT to follow me, to corner me, or try to; in anyway bully me anymore, I put a STOP to that about a year ago.

It went something like this (back in January of 2017)… “we” had just gotten through completely trashing the marriage, ie’ extinction burst… fight fight fight, JADE JADE JADE… and she was ready to divorce me, take off, move out, and write me off as the supreme villain, for “ruining” HER Christmas (another post here from long ago)… so I say to her, “so you want a divorce there speed racer, then I want that request IN WRITING”,  ... .she gave me a funny look (confused) and then obliged, and I have kept that little scrap of paper… so she started to make her plans that day, and she preceded to, (control) started telling me what I (me) was going to do, as in orders!… and I said “wait just a sec there speed racer, first of all, we ain’t talking no more remember ?/!... .and second, I am getting a lawyer as per YOU’RE request that I now have in writing, happening this week(!), so from now henceforth… YOU are going to talk to the (my) lawyer, NOT me, I am NOT interested in ANYTHING further you have to say in this matter, your position is quite clear, we WILL get a divorce… am I clear !/?”…  “and the first administrative thing that needs to happen post haste, we are splitting the bank accounts back up, and this and that and the other”, CONCRETE stuff there, yes… I showed no emotion, and no tears, complete machine like demeanor… and she lasted about twelve hours !, and then she came to me crying... boo hoo hoo…

So, then she tried to love bomb me, .and I rejected her, yeah, I was pretty pissed off, about damn time (?)… how many times, in the last ten years had she done this to me, recycle recycle recycle recycle recycle… you see, even the kindest, gentlest old dog, .you kick him a few too many times, he WILL bite you… so I said, “ok there speed racer, you want to “talk”… then let’s talk… come into my office” (man cave)… I sat her down, and then she got right back up, she tried to “flip it” back on me (control) and poked me in my chest, got right in my face (grill) and started right back in on me, you you you you… this that and the other… I had; had enough at that point, and I pretty much snapped, “que será, será - "whatever will be, will be"… I grasped her hand, and pushed it away from me… and I told her ENOUGH !, and I said to her, “DON’T TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN”... .and then she started crying again… yeah BPD’isms’ on parade…

I told her “now sit the “F” down and listen”… “I am going to talk for a little while, and YOU are going to listen”… I said to her, “THIS is the deal… the BLUF… I am old, I am tired, and I have been through a lot of $H1T in my time, and so have you” (previous marriages-me 22 yrs, her 20 yrs)… “I do love you, but you are really really really testing me (seven years married/ten years relationship)… “I am done taking tests, so no more, that STOPS now”… “YOU are not whom I thought you were, you have changed for the worst over the years, perhaps so have I” (validation?)… “so this is the deal”, “if you want to stay married, then that’s fine, I am far too old to “start over”, not even interested at this point any longer”… “but things are going to change”… she started to interrupt me again, and I stopped her cold, it was like I was speaking to a little girl, which I do believe; BPD trauma resultant, NOT a forty-nine-year-old woman (at that time)… I continued, “yes, I am an old fart, a grumpy A$$’ed old man now… and pretty much a crazy basterd at this point, and a hard A$$… this is what life has done to me… what you see is what you get,literally”… “NO SECRETS HERE!”… “and I am not likely to change at this point”… “I have been through a lot of $H1T in my life as I said, and it was far worse than anything you could ever dish out to me”, “somebody else has done beat you to it!”… “please understand this FACT, you need to understand whom you are really married to, you need to understand this… trust me when I say that”, “I have a hardened heart now, maybe I should have never remarried in the first place, and I do apologize for that, ok”, I continued… “I am damaged goods, so please don’t; damage me any further, or I will have to take drastic steps to maintain my own sanity… ok?”… “so that said, I am no longer going to tolerate your behaviors towards me, if you choose to act this way in the near distant future, things may get a bit tense between us, are you understanding what I am saying?”… you want to blame me, then go right ahead, I really don’t give a flying “F” anymore, I will shoulder any and ALL blame, it ain’t nothing to me”… “so bring it on”… “as far as divorce, I am not in any way afraid of that, as we both have been through that before, you want one, then get yourself one!” “stop messing around, just do it if that’s what you want”… “kick the tires, and lite the fires!”… “and furthermore… and be advised, I am completely capable of being miserable on my own, I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP WITH THAT !”… “So stop it !”…

(I continued)…

“We can stay married if you’d like, that’s just fine with me, if that’s what you want… but conditionally… if that’s what you want to do, either way, I really don’t care anymore at this point… if you want to stay, I will fulfill my duties, and wedding vows as your husband as I promised at the alter, I will smile, be nice, and play along… I will hold your hand, I will help you through your trials and tribulations (she has stage IV C)… I will sit by you in Church, I will pray with you and for you”… “I make a good living, and I will provide for you, no matter what happens between us”… “but know this; I WILL let your hand go the FIRST instance of any further verbal, or mental abuse from you, do you understand?… you attack me again, and “its off”… I mean what I say, don’t provoke me… I am done with that from now on… ok!”… “I need, no I WANT peace and quiet in MY life, I need it, I want it, I CRAVE it… and I WILL get it… ok?/!”… I can be a real nice guy, a very quiet and peaceful man… a real “saint”, a humanitarian, a knight in shining armor”… and you KNOW this, but please don’t abuse me anymore, shhh ! QUIET ! (snap finger/knife hand up)… but please DON’T abuse me anymore, or the dented tarnished knight will go full rebellious, ok!/?… I am very capable of being one real mean SOB if pushed too far, please don’t turn me into one ok!/?”… I will be a good husband to you, but DON’T wear out your welcome… I’ve had quite enough of that you see.”… “please I am begging you, with tears in my eyes, DON’T awaken the bad mean SOB crazy “me”… please don’t.”… “we can have a nice life together but YOU need to calm the ”F” down, you need to get ahold of your feelings, emotional actions, and bad behavioral tendencies… in fact I would encourage you going to see a counselor, but that’s up to you, NOT me… do you understand ?/!”… don’t push me away anymore, because I may not “come back” as the ‘same person’ next time you do it… ok, I am done talking”…

She just stared back at me… and then her crocodile tears stopped, and finally she said… “I love you too”… and I said to her,  … “so we have a deal?”… she said “yes, we do”… that was over a year and a half ago now… and I have been true to my word so far… there have been days… yes there have, but I do what I need to do to “shut it down”… and let it ”burn itself out”… that’s been huge !… if she ever utters the “D” word now;… now she knows… I really could care less, and it has no effect on me, it’s just another “change” to me… another possible chapter of my (our) lives, either together or apart… been there done that, “next”.

Caveat, we have no children together, our children are from our previous marriages, and they are grown and on their own now… however, I have a special needs son who is autistic, whom has the mental capacity of about a five to seven-year-old… he is in his thirties now; my life long responsibility, he will live with me permanently… I am his protector, his guardian, and she knows this, and this is the source of much angst between us… a post for another day perhaps… that said, taking care of my son, surviving the first marriage/divorce… I have learnt patience, and understanding to great depths, maybe never experienced by a “normal” parent-child relationship…

Have you ever done anything like this Living?… have things gone this far in your marriage?

I have come to believe, that once you let go of the “fear” (FOG) of losing the relationship, then you are a free man, or woman, that constant fear, keeps us Non’s in line, but if the Non should “awaken”… then things change, not immediately, but over a period of time… for me, it’s been eighteen months…

Yeah, that’s me… the crazy old Jar Head…

Hang in there Living !

Red5


Red5

[LivingWBPDWife]

Red5 -- wow, that's a great story. I will cut right to the chase. I HAVE got to this point a couple times. Her parents are both manipulators, and her mother is an enabler and caretaker. So, my BPDw can't breath without them. Since day one they have interrupted my life, crossed boundaries, acted like children if they don't get THEIR way. Many times, they invite themselves to stay at my house without me knowing. My wife just says, my parents are coming this weekend and that's the first I hear of it. Of course, most the time I say no, which then causes problems.

When they are here, they take over which is a joke, since I am the king of my castle. I run my own company, went to graduate school, I have been thru life, and I don't need anyone telling me what to do.

So, this dynamic caused HUGE problems when we had our baby -- her mom literally thought she was going take over the birth, this is going to happen, then that, blah blah. I sat her down, said "NO", we are having a home birth, 3 midwives, in water, YOU will not be there -- Mind you this was ALL my wifes birth plan, but her MOM wanted to take over, and my BPDw is afraid of her mom, so doesn't have the balls to tell her NO --- Plus our birth coach said NO MOMS -- this is between the man, the woman, and the baby. AND moms that are hysterical, control freaks can cause complications, and have had to be removed via sheriffs before in their experience and put the baby at risk if there are problems.

Anyway, so her parents hate me. That sets the stage. Anytime they don't get their way, I get the blame, my BPDw would never say "we" decided this, she would say "he" decided and throw me under the bus.

They still came over once every month or 2, my wife went from adoring me to hating me after she had the baby, about 6 months after -- that's when I realized she WAS BPD.

But, after that, her father and I got into it 2 times.

The first time was over me telling my wife to close a door upstairs as she took the baby to sleep, he made some comment, I said, she needs sleep, you guys are loud, and I don't want you to wake the baby up. He started in about he is older, knows more, LOL -- he is 60, I am 45, I have 3 graduate degrees and literally I am a rocket scientist, not stupid, don't need irrational advice about my daughter.

He keeps it up, then threatens me, tell me he will break my legs, shoot me. This is all like out of a dream. Now, I am a very fit man, weight training and juijitsu for 20 years, I would crush him in about 10 seconds. But, I am in shock that he thinks he can physically dominate me? So, I tell him, lets go outside, thinking, this m-___er needs an ass whopping. He runs a biz with mexican workers and is used to abusing them and terrorizing them and thinks he can threaten me. Mind you, I haven't got in a fight since high school. I am NON violent, my MMA training makes me that way, control and subdue is my training. I don't like to hurt anyone. But, I REALLY wanted to beat his ass - But, the mom jumped in and stopped it.

He went up stairs, pouted, came down later, and apologized.

After they left, I was F'ing ballastic -- just like you, I was past the I don't give a F line. HOW DARE ANY MAN threaten me in my own home, in front of my baby daughter, and all for what, I wanted you to keep your voice down?

I read my BPDw the riot act, very similar to your story. I didnt' care what she did.

For 5 days she was an ANGEL. Then she went right back to BPD.

Second time it happened, 3rd b-day party, same thing, they came over, after the party, BPDw, her sister, dad and mom all attacking me again because I wanted my daughter to take a nap after being up all day. She was exhausted -- simple thing, take her to a nap. This caused her smart ass sister to insult me, I fired back, the father and the sister teamed up, ranting at the top of their lungs, the mother sat their, this time, I let them both go nuts, and just watched, it was crazy -- I thought I should just go break his face, and knock her sister out cold for assulting me in my home. Or maybe call the police and have them both arrested. But, I did nothing, I just listened, they all got their bags, told me I would suffer, they would kill me, and left.

My BPDw was ANGRY at me, blamed ME for her entire family attacking me in my home on our daughters 3rd bday.

The next day, I was the most angry I have ever been. I told my wife, I am going to file a restraining order on her father, I have him on video and audio, which I did, that's why I didn't say anything, I got my phone and recorded the entire crazy tirade.

I also, said if he EVER wants to see my daughter again, I challenge him to mutual combat (in texas this is legal), I want to kick his ass, tap out or knock out, but I am going to give him what he deserves - he never accepted of course. I was being childish, but I have been alive to know one thing, some men only respect you after you beat their ass -- WE do need a PECKING order sometimes --

Anyway, again I read my BPDw the riot act told how how badly her family crossed the line, and how SHE let it happen. In OUR home.

For days, she was the sweetest person alive, but by the 5th, 6th day, she reverted back. And I am back where I am now.

So, to answer your question -- YES, I have been pushed so far 2X, I got absolutely scary and cold, SHE respected this, was afraid of it, whatever, but FEAR of ? or whatever happens when they sense you just don't give a 5hit anymore makes them retreat --

I guess, I haven't been able to maintain this level of pissed off, anger, detachment, and/or it only lasts a few days for her.

But, there is something to when they see us finally HAVE ENOUGH and let them know we do NOT CARE what they do --

Now, I do care is the problem -- she can smell it.

I don't know -- maybe instead of requiring a catalyzing event like her dad trying to start a fight and threaten to kill me, I just have to be absolutely COLD and DETACHED.

I HATE being a dick, hate it, but maybe that's the only way to get along -- as Cat said, I have tried everything, and my BPDw is not going to change, so I have to change the way she has to DEAL WITH ME... .

I am going to read your post again - actually gives me hope... .

[formflier]

LivingWBPDWife,

Nice work standing your ground in your home.

Confirm you do have a RO on the Dad.  Any problems getting that?  Have you had to enforce it?

I'm now estranged by choice from my wife's family.  Similar things... verbal attacks  or "screaming about me" with me being right there.  (yeah... think about it).  They somehow claim its ok if they aren't accusing me... .but if they scream about me... with me in same house... it's ok.

I'm a disabled vet and have to be very mindful of how I use my body.  I can actually do quite a bit, just not all at once... .and when I realize my body is saying no... I quit and care for my body.

Anyway... .my father in law announced they would be using my truck and trailer and I would be lifting a piano for them... .to take it to my sister in law... because other family members wanted rid of this thing.

I said I don't lift pianos.

What followed was a screaming fit of epic proportions.  I went to a back room and close the door, yet could hear everything.  Essentially my wife was screaming at her Dad to let her handle it, her Mom was yelling at her to not talk to her Father that way, the Dad was screaming at the Mother to shut up and stay out of it...

And... it went on for a loong time.  It was an interesting view into the family dynamics... .because nobody changed what they were yelling about... .they just got louder and kept repeating their point.

In my Foo... .they effort was to find a place we could all be happy... .or at least something we could all live with.

I'm a bit out of time... .but I'll quickly say my FIL came over to my house at about midnight to "enforce" the ability of his daughters to watch TV at whatever volume they want (keeping me awake).

He came in the front door in a "crouch"... .with his hands up... bouncing around like a boxer (I'm retired Naval Aviator... .we trained in boxing during flight school to better understand how to think while getting pummeled and/or while pummeling someone else.)  Was actually a lot of fun...  

Anyway... .I kept my hands down... .praying he would hit me.  I would have taken the first punch and then knocked him out   However... what I learned was he, like the rest of the family, is big on hot air... .short on action.

I'm certainly no trained fighter or street brawler.  In my life I've been invited outside and invited others outside a couple of times and I was the one that walked back in.  I know what you mean about some guys just needing their a$$ kicked.

Most memorable was the bully in 8th grade.  Even back then... .I didn't jump into others fights... but I knew about this guy.  Then he picked on me, I stood up to him and he invited me outside (I was pretty "cerebral"... even back then... and figured my longer arms would be key).  Turns out... .they were.

I can still feel the air move as his fists sailed past my nose... .and my fist as it impacted his face.  After I put him on the ground a couple times... .I made him verbally recant his days as a bully before I would let him up.  All this in front of about 50 other kids.

Yeah... .some guys just need a good whoopin'.

Wasn't I going to stop talking a while ago?    


FF