Welcome to bpdfamily
Kristoff!
You are at the right place. Many people on these boards have experienced the things you are describing with your wife. If you engage reading and commenting on other people's threads, you'll find this is a great place to find support and a sense of community.
First I want to say that I am sorry that you are having such a rough patch with your wife... The behavior you describe is intense. You say her family is supportive, this is huge! could you talk with them about what is going on?
I know this doesn't change the fact that she doesn't see herself as having a need for therapy. I know for my part that I could not convince my spouse to seek therapy. She was very much against it. But I took the initiative and went to see someone for myself. It did help me a great deal. At least I could vent for all the hurtful things I was going through.
Another thing that helped me greatly is to learn to take good care of myself. Like getting enough sleep, healthy meals, some exercise, meditation. This was not intuitive at first. I used to get on alert a lot, and to take my spouse's critique personally.
I too, like
Notgoneyet, did find out that practicing the tools, including establishing good self care routines, has helped diminish the fires of my spouse's rage fits.
I try not to take her abuse literally or personally but my work is suffering and I’ve found myself mixing a few too many cocktails to deaden the pain.
I get it.
It's good that you have an awareness of this.
Do you have support from others for that? I do drink wine, and I saw myself reaching out for the bottle more and more. I am very careful with my limit, though, and did decide to attend a support group for people in recovery from addictions. Before it got out of control.
There are various groups with different approaches. It's good to be among people who are sharing my value of sobriety, and who are sharing their daily struggles.
Right now she says that I am 100% responsible for everything bad in her life because I’m so cruel to her.
They do that, yes. You know that it's not about you. It's the way pwBPD feel about themselves. There seem to be a lot of shame they cannot process well, so they will project that onto the closest loved one to escape the pain. It's painful to hear.
Best thing I'd say is for you to seek some support for yourself. Like when you put the oxygen mask on yourself before you try to help others. You eventually starting to make positive changes in your life, at home, etc, will in turn affect the relationship in a more stable and hopefully positive way.
Do you have an idea of what could have triggered her increase in difficult behaviors?
Hang in there
Kristoff, and keep on posting.
This is very much a work in progress...
Brave
