Free childcare for your own children?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have done quite a bit of reading and watched the hour long video on validation.  I know that I tend to JADE quite frequently and am an Explainer to a fault.  I am trying to understand how to validate some of the things that my uBPDw states.  One of her classic lines is that I should be thankful for the free childcare that she has provided for the last 14 years.  The children that she is referring to are OUR children, not step children, children that we had together.  From the time that our first child was born, she has been a SAHM.  She has work off and on during the weekends and evenings to keep her nursing license valid but her primary 'duty' has been a SAHM.  Our children are now preteen/teenage.  We decided to try homeschooling and after the first year or so with our son (1st grade), it seemed like it really stressed her out.  I expressed that I thought it might be better for him to go to school.  The next year, she agreed to try but that only lasted a few months before she pulled him out because she didn't like the way the teachers were teaching.  Fast-forward several years and both of our children have been homeschooled through 4th/7th grade.  I have tolerated it and tried to be as supportive as possible (though looking back, I could have been more validating if I had understood how that works).  I have maintained the position that they should be in school for both their benefit as well as her benefit but she has held firm that she can do a better job.  Both of our children will be going to public school next year.  The question that I have is, how can I validate statements like, 'you should be thankful for the free childcare that I have provided'?  This makes no logical sense to me.  I understand that she feels that way and if she is in fact a pwBPD then those feelings would be facts but the facts as I see them are as follows:
-They are our children, therefore she has a responsibility to take care of them
-I have maintained a job that has allowed her to be able to stay home
-It has been her choice to stay home
-It would have been healthier for everyone if she had allowed them to go to school and pursued her career

This is just one example of many but one that really bothers me as she seems to view herself as an 'unpaid nanny'.  How do I show validation for things like this without outright lying?

[Woodchuck]

I have done quite a bit of reading and watched the hour long video on validation.  I know that I tend to JADE quite frequently and am an Explainer to a fault.  I am trying to understand how to validate some of the things that my uBPDw states.  One of her classic lines is that I should be thankful for the free childcare that she has provided for the last 14 years.  The children that she is referring to are OUR children, not step children, children that we had together.  From the time that our first child was born, she has been a SAHM.  She has work off and on during the weekends and evenings to keep her nursing license valid but her primary 'duty' has been a SAHM.  Our children are now preteen/teenage.  We decided to try homeschooling and after the first year or so with our son (1st grade), it seemed like it really stressed her out.  I expressed that I thought it might be better for him to go to school.  The next year, she agreed to try but that only lasted a few months before she pulled him out because she didn't like the way the teachers were teaching.  Fast-forward several years and both of our children have been homeschooled through 4th/7th grade.  I have tolerated it and tried to be as supportive as possible (though looking back, I could have been more validating if I had understood how that works).  I have maintained the position that they should be in school for both their benefit as well as her benefit but she has held firm that she can do a better job.  Both of our children will be going to public school next year.  The question that I have is, how can I validate statements like, 'you should be thankful for the free childcare that I have provided'?  This makes no logical sense to me.  I understand that she feels that way and if she is in fact a pwBPD then those feelings would be facts but the facts as I see them are as follows:
-They are our children, therefore she has a responsibility to take care of them
-I have maintained a job that has allowed her to be able to stay home
-It has been her choice to stay home
-It would have been healthier for everyone if she had allowed them to go to school and pursued her career

This is just one example of many but one that really bothers me as she seems to view herself as an 'unpaid nanny'.  How do I show validation for things like this without outright lying?

[Notwendy]

Your wife has distorted thinking, so applying logic isn't going to be helpful. To someone with BPD, feelings = facts. If she feels like an unpaid nanny, then she will say that. Trying to explain that she is taking care of her own children isn't going to change her thinking.

From reading your posts, it seems your wife says several things that are "facts" to her but reflect her emotions- such as deciding you have a PD. It is important for you to hold on to your own sense of reality and not adopt hers, however, you also can not change hers with logic or get her to "see the light".

She's both worked and been a SAHM. I have done both too at different times as well. I think there are valid reasons for both the working parent and the stay at home parent to feel unappreciated at times. I think when each person feels that way, they don't really see how the other person feels.

It isn't easy to be in a relationship with a pwBPD- and likely you are stressed, tired, and doing the major share of working and helping with the kids. This can lead to resentment on your part. From my perspective- a pw BPD seems to be in victim mode. When someone is in victim mode, they are self centered and focused on their own feelings, not the larger picture that you see. She may have the normal feelings and frustrations of a SAHM, but not be able to manage those feelings. Earning a paycheck is also a source of affirmation. A parent at home needs to be able to recognize other sources of affirmation, and this may be difficult for her.

So rather than address a feeling with logic ( which could be invalidating) - think of some ways you could validate her and give her some affirmation. This may not be easy for you if you are doing more than your share and feeling resentment, but keep in mind, she doesn't see things that way. So when she says " I hope you appreciate free childcare for the kids" rather than say the obvious " the roof over your head that I provide isn't free" how can you validate the feelings behind this without validating the illogical?

W: "I hope you appreciate the free childcare I provide"

You" I appreciate the care you give to our children".

That is all you need to say. I think you can be truthful if you express appreciation but leave out the irrational. That's all that needs to be said. Don't go into a logical argument. It's a step into drama.

[Woodchuck]

Your wife has distorted thinking, so applying logic isn't going to be helpful. To someone with BPD, feelings = facts. If she feels like an unpaid nanny, then she will say that. Trying to explain that she is taking care of her own children isn't going to change her thinking.

From reading your posts, it seems your wife says several things that are "facts" to her but reflect her emotions- such as deciding you have a PD. It is important for you to hold on to your own sense of reality and not adopt hers, however, you also can not change hers with logic or get her to "see the light".

She's both worked and been a SAHM. I have done both too at different times as well. I think there are valid reasons for both the working parent and the stay at home parent to feel unappreciated at times. I think when each person feels that way, they don't really see how the other person feels.

It isn't easy to be in a relationship with a pwBPD- and likely you are stressed, tired, and doing the major share of working and helping with the kids. This can lead to resentment on your part. From my perspective- a pw BPD seems to be in victim mode. When someone is in victim mode, they are self centered and focused on their own feelings, not the larger picture that you see. She may have the normal feelings and frustrations of a SAHM, but not be able to manage those feelings. Earning a paycheck is also a source of affirmation. A parent at home needs to be able to recognize other sources of affirmation, and this may be difficult for her.

So rather than address a feeling with logic ( which could be invalidating) - think of some ways you could validate her and give her some affirmation. This may not be easy for you if you are doing more than your share and feeling resentment, but keep in mind, she doesn't see things that way. So when she says " I hope you appreciate free childcare for the kids" rather than say the obvious " the roof over your head that I provide isn't free" how can you validate the feelings behind this without validating the illogical?

W: "I hope you appreciate the free childcare I provide"

You" I appreciate the care you give to our children".

That is all you need to say. I think you can be truthful if you express appreciation but leave out the irrational. That's all that needs to be said. Don't go into a logical argument. It's a step into drama.

Notwendy -
Thank you for the very simple suggestion!  It makes a lot of sense to approach it that way.  I know that she has felt unappreciated being a SAHM and that she does find appreciation when she works outside the home.  I have tried mostly in vain to show appreciation by helping out and taking care of things that I could take care to relieve part of the burden from her.  Looking back a year or so ago, I did practice validation techniques (unknowingly).  Things were great as long as I was constantly validating everything but the amount of effort that I had to put into it (probably partially because I was overthinking things) wore me out.  It did not help that there was little or no validation in return.  As you pointed out, the only person that we have control over is ourselves and that is what I am trying to focus on.  Thank you again!

[Notwendy]

It is an imbalance. My H craves a lot of validation, yet hardly gives some in return. It is very hard to not give up or feel resentful. However, it is best if we avoid feeling in "victim" perspective and speak from that. It isn't that we can't feel that way, but if they are always in victim perspective and we approach them from that perspective, it doesn't work. The response is often like a competition. if we say" You don't appreciate me" " well you don't appreciate ME".

These discussions remind me of a woman I used to work with. The work schedules and load were divided equally, yet she constantly complained that she worked more than anyone else. If there was extra work to be done, it was often distributed to me and others rather than her to avoid the constant complaining. If there needed to be a schedule change, they would ask her last as she'd complain about how much more inconveniences she was than others. So- even if we lightened the load for her - she still felt the way she did. Feelings are not logical. She saw things the way she did.

I think it is great that you help out - it's a validating thing to do, but also that you recognize how much she needs appreciation and affirmation from you. Don't overthink it and don't use logic- speak from the heart. " Thank you for a great dinner " if she cooked. "Thank you for the time you have given to the kids". Just try to find the best honest response and don't invalidate the invalid.

[Woodchuck]

It is an imbalance. My H craves a lot of validation, yet hardly gives some in return. It is very hard to not give up or feel resentful. However, it is best if we avoid feeling in "victim" perspective and speak from that. It isn't that we can't feel that way, but if they are always in victim perspective and we approach them from that perspective, it doesn't work. The response is often like a competition. if we say" You don't appreciate me" " well you don't appreciate ME".

These discussions remind me of a woman I used to work with. The work schedules and load were divided equally, yet she constantly complained that she worked more than anyone else. If there was extra work to be done, it was often distributed to me and others rather than her to avoid the constant complaining. If there needed to be a schedule change, they would ask her last as she'd complain about how much more inconveniences she was than others. So- even if we lightened the load for her - she still felt the way she did. Feelings are not logical. She saw things the way she did.

I think it is great that you help out - it's a validating thing to do, but also that you recognize how much she needs appreciation and affirmation from you. Don't overthink it and don't use logic- speak from the heart. " Thank you for a great dinner " if she cooked. "Thank you for the time you have given to the kids". Just try to find the best honest response and don't invalidate the invalid.

Notwendy,
I can definitely relate to both of us being in the victim perspective.  It never ends well.  I am having a difficult reconciling on my head how to have my needs recognized/met in a healthy way as the more I understand how things are the more I see that she is not 'capable' of meeting my needs and I can't just pretend they are not there.  When I talking about my needs, I mean things like validation/support/understanding etc.  I believe that the lack of these being met is what led me to have my affair.  I am in no way blaming her for the affair, just recognizing that it was more about 'intimacy needs' not being met, not about sex.  At the end of the day, I want to be able successfully validate her and meet her needs and understand that I need to work on that.  I also realize that I have needs and want to find a way to have those met in a healthy way instead of either expecting her to meet them and constantly being disappointed or finding unhealthy ways to have them met.  It is very interesting to learn about what validation is and how to use it effectively.  Thank you for your insight!

Woodchuck

[Notwendy]

Yes-everyone has needs and yet looking outside a marriage to for romance to meet them usually causes more issues. Self care is important. If the person with BPD is at a deficit - and the spouse is too- that isn’t good.

Besides romantic - there are needs that can be met by others without breaking marriage vows. Counseling is a source of emotional support, friendship, spiritual needs, taking care of oneself- eating right, sleep, exercise. The more we can take care of our needs it seems the less we feel we “need” others to do that.

Start by doing some good things for yourself. Consider counseling if you have not already.