Recent breakup that's left isolated, guilty and frustrated.

[Kramer99]

Hi there,
I'm new to this place but I'm looking for some help and advice on the best way to go about my now single life. My partner has been suffering from BPD for some time and also had other illnesses that contribute to her outrageous behaviour and it has only been over the last year that she has become physically abusive towards me. I have been punched, grabbed, scratched and spat at. I have also been called all sorts of hurtful and horrible things that I can't shake from my mind and that I've started to believe are true.  I have always tried to remind myself that it's not her fault and remain calm but recently when I was last attacked, I completely lost self control and physically her held against the wall. I've been trying to tell myself that it was in self-defence but really there's no excuse for me laying my hands on her. I'm so wracked with shame and and guilt that I lost control and I'm now dealing with all sorts of horrible feelings about self-worth and I'm now having to examine who I am a person if I can do such a thing.

I've been feeling hopeless and worthless for a long time and this is just that straw that has broken the camels back. Any sense of High moral ground that I had, I feel I have now completely lost. Needless to say, my action has now become the forefront of the abuse between us and all of her physical attacks on me have seemingly been forgotten about. I feel so depressed by the whole situation and even know I know my actions were wrong, I also know that I am not that type person. I feel like I have lost everything - the woman I love and tried to support, my two young kids, my family home and my sanity. I feel like I can't even live with myself anymore. Any advice would be greatly received. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Kramer99,



While it was a different set of circumstances I too lost the moral high ground in my relationship. It's not an easy place to stand in life if you weren't expecting to be there - no more high ground I mean.

It's important that you recognize it, learn from it, and don't repeat it and it sounds like you are on that path. You can come back from this.

It's interesting, I'm on a trip now and had a random encounter on a train with a pretty out of control woman who was yelling at me... .seemed like it could have come to blows. She did threaten to kill me and not so politely insinuated she'd had sex with all my family, dead, real and imaginary. There was certainly a moment I didn't feel so monk like and would have liked to make her stop talking. But, it's important to gain some mastery over our own emotions, slow ourselves down, and observe the pain we are seeing in the other person - in other words depersonalize. I'd recommend regular meditation as a way to slow yourself down and have better control when faced with such things.

Are there charges against you? How far did this go? What led to her attacking you and you reacting back like this? Are you completely broken up now? No more contact?

Sorry you are feeling so hopeless and worthless! It does matter that you are making an effort to learn and grow!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Welcome to bpdfamily.  I'm sorry for the trouble that has brought you here, but am glad you have found us.

Dealing with a violent partner is tremendously difficult.  There is no instruction book and no training.  You are isolated and trying to figure out how to navigate the situation on your own.  Frankly, it sucks.  It's also easy to lose your bearings on what's reasonable and what's not, what's really your fault and what's not.

Physical intimate partner violence can be considered in two categories.  One is mutual combat.  The other is predominantly one-way abuse.  It sounds like you are dealing with the latter.  But contrary to what you might think, survivors of one-way abuse rarely have a completely clean "resume."  Sometimes simply escaping requires them to use muscles to break free of a grasp, or defending requires them to block an arm swinging at them.  They face ridiculous questions like whether it is OK to push past someone to escape being trapped in a bathroom.  They even retaliate.  Obviously as a man it's best to avoid using any physical force at all, but if you've been there, you know that's almost impossible to accomplish in a long-term abuse scenario.

There's a lot to talk about, but let's start with details of the incident you feel guilty about.  It's possible you feel more guilty than you should.  And it's likely that some of our other members have been in similar situations, so at least you will know you're not alone.  Can you tell us what she did in the lead-up to your reaction, and exactly what you did? 

WW