New and Grieving, what to do?

[Lake45]

Good morning,
 New here and grieving, confused, sad and a whole range of emotions. My daughter and I have always been extremely close. That is not to say there haven't been difficulties. After reading as much as we can and discussing with our therapists, it looks like we may have been dealing with this disorder for quite a while. Our daughter recently moved back from another province a few months ago due to the fact that her grandmother is terminally ill. We had no issues while she lived away. A few times we had to reign her in and talk her down from 2 meltdowns but she was only 20 and had a very good job, friends and seemed to be coping well. Upon moving back, she promptly moved into her own place soon after. Stating, it would be better for us. I couldnt argue. We texted several times a day, told each other we loved each other... .flash forward she rushes into a relationship and we are cut off. We were supportive of this realtionship at the beginning, seemed like a good guy, good match, the pastors son. Then we got to know him. He was beligerent and rude in our home and to us. I would call her and he would take her phone and talk to me instead. He started saying things like what he would allow her to do. The last I saw my daughter was Canada Day weekend. She spent the weekend with us, was herself and said she was going to breakup with him after telling us alot of concerning things about him. She tried to break up with him July 2nd and it has been downhill since then. They never broke up. It got worse. I could send her a text I love you and she would quite literally rip me a new one. He hit her. She asked her dad to come help move this SOB stuff out of her apt. Afterwards she couldnt get rid of my husband fast enough. We know now she was trying to do damage control and repair things with this guy. She somehow ended up in hospital with a possible miscarriage and he rushed to her side. This story has changed 3x.
 We are now being told she had another miscarriage while out west that was our fault too for al the stress we cause her. I sound cold when I say it but when there are issues we try to resolve with her, she deflects or we think she does. 3 rapes, 1 beating, 2 miscarriages, a neurologist visit, eating disorder, cutting, and suicide attempt, a heart condition, she wears 2 hearing aids and, and, and... .We've been to the classes at the hospital, counselling, jumped through so many hoops and are exhausted. Now we are intervening, being manipulative and she is telling others about the abuse she suffered at our hands. We are cut off except when she calls and reams us out. We also have her 10 year old sister in our home.
 My husband and I are going to counselling as we just feel broken.
 Her 21st birthday is tomorrow. In less than a month, although we have had issues, we have always been able to communicate. With this young man in the picture who bought an engagement ring within 3 weeks (he has his own issues) we have went from her loving us to isolated and God is telling her this is the way .
 What to do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Lake45.  Welcome.

Quite a story you tell and so heartbreaking for you and the rest of your family to be going through these challenging times with your daughter.  My heart goes out to you.

First of all it is good to read that you are being proactive in getting counselling for yourselves.  It is so helpful to have a sounding board - especially someone who is trained professionally to listen and counsel.  This forum can be an excellent resource, also, because you are interacting with other parents who are walking in similar shoes... .never quite the same... .but similar.

We have been dealing with our daughter's BPD behaviours for 40 years now.  Oh the stories I could tell (and have done so many times in previous posts)!  I think back to when she was with one partner for 20 years (had her first child by him).  They would break up, on an average, 2 times a year (not a typo!).  When the break-ups would happen, her tearful phone call would come and we would jump into action to help her.  Had it not been for that grandchild we loved so much, I like to think we would have handled things so much differently.  Well... .I'd like to think that... .but in hindsight I know we just didn't have the tools... .the information that is available now... .and we loved that grandchild so much!

At any rate, it wouldn't take long before we could feel the shift in the wind... .and she and our grandchild were back with him, leaving us with the memories of the terrible stories she had told us about what he had done.

Sadly, we can't save our children from themselves.  We learned that way too late in time.  We learned way too late that by jumping in and helping, we were actually enabling her.  What need was there for HER to change?  We kept playing along.

It is totally unacceptable for our children to be "beligerent and rude" to us... .and it is red-flags-up if their partner does the same.  Currently we are in no-contact with our daughter because of her escalating verbal abuse towards me, her Mom, and her refusal to go to counselling with us to help fix our situation...

Your daughter is an adult and she has made a choice (her choice, not yours) as to having this abusive man as her partner.  Could be, the more you object, the more she digs in her heels and stays with him.  Work hard on never buying into her accusations that you, her parents, are to blame for any of her actions... .nor the outcomes of those actions.

You mention that you also have a 10-yr old daughter and this drama must be shaking up her little world.  So much attention is sometimes given to "the squeaky wheel" that the other children feel they are losing out in having their fair share of their parents' love and attention. 

Far be it for me to advise you what to do differently with your daughter... .but I will advise you to check out the info on this website.   So often I point to Lesson 2 at the right "If your current approach is not working... .change it."  Making changes is not always easy but unless one is willing to continue on the same heartbreaking path... .something different has to happen.

I certainly hope you keep sharing with us, Lake45.  It is important for others to read what works and what doesn't work for others.  While none of us want to be here (and never, ever thought we would be!), we are... .and comfort can come in knowing one is being heard.  It can also be comforting to reach out and help others as they, too, deal with this difficult, difficult part of being a parent... .to a difficult, difficult offspring.

Huat

[wendydarling]

Hi Lake45

I join Huat welcoming you here to bpdfamily. I'm sorry you are grieving, confused and feeling sad, it's no wonder your emotions are all over the place, you've been through so much. You clearly love your daughter, as you say there in support throughout, dealing with BPD, traits it's exhausting. It's good to hear you are gaining support through counselling.

You ask what to do? Have you any thoughts about this?

What helped me is to better understand my daughters situation, what drives her behaviour, her disorders through the resources here I found ways to change how I communicate, my approach and my choices. My confidence grew with the support of the wonderful parents things can get better. I took small gentle steps.

Lakes45 what treatments has your daughter engaged in, you mention classes at the hospital.

We're here for you, listening, it really helps to talk.  

WDx

[Lake45]

Thankyou for the welcome.
While in high school, my daughter attempted suicide (looking back, she only mentioned it while having a meltdown) we took it seriously and she was held for 72 hrs. We did outpatient counselling after that. She seemed to just shrug it off and was more concerned that we attended. Next came an eating disorder. For that we attended classes at the hospital to learn how to better communicate with our daughter. This was also followed by outpatient counselling.
She just turned 21 a few days ago, lives on her own, has a good job( she has always worked well) with the exception of moving back to our city recently. She is floundering, the lies are constant and she is in a dark place. Her boyfriend is abusive and has isolated her from all family and most friends. She has went from texting me I love yous and random pic throughout the day to telling me she wants nothing to do with me, she cant heal if she talks to me, hates me, I've ruined her life and accusing everyone of attacking her, and, and, and. All in the span of one month. We had hoped once she moved back to Ontario we could steer her towards some help as we have seen her slowly go downhill in the last few years. Little things that just were off and catching her in lies but she had a ready made boyfriend waiting in the wings. When I look at the traits of BPD she hits all 9. My husband and I are attending therapy separately and pastoral care together. She ( her BF)  says Its Gods plan and that prayer is all she needs. She doesnt have anxiety or any sort of disability. He's all she needs and he will steer her on Gods path. His daddy is a pastor. Yes, we have tried talking to him.

[Feeling Better]

Hello Lake45

I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through with your daughter, I can imagine how painful it is for you right now, knowing that her relationship with her boyfriend is just so wrong and there is nothing that you are able to do about it. My heart goes out to you 

It is devastating I know when one minute all seems fine, you are getting on great with your daughter and then wham! It felt just like that for me with my uBPD son, we were in counselling together trying to salvage our relationship and then when I least expected it he just walked away from it. And walked away from me. He has been NC (no contact) with me for about eighteen months now and it has changed my life completely.

You and your husband are both doing the right thing, going to therapy, I sincerely hope that by doing this you are learning to cope with your situation. I had a short course of therapy a few months back and I’m so glad that I decided to do it as it helped me immensely.

How are you now Lake45, how are you coping? 

[Lake45]

Thank you for the support.
I think I am doing okay until I'm not. My daughter is now wearing an engagement ring, it looks like her boyfriend has moved in and has also lost his job

[Feeling Better]

Hi Lake45

Thank you for the support.
I think I am doing okay until I'm not.

Oh yes, I can relate to that, what a great way of putting it! It’s good to know that support is here for those times when we’re not ok, and sometimes it’s good to share the times when we are doing ok too  

My daughter is now wearing an engagement ring, it looks like her boyfriend has moved in and has also lost his job

How do you feel about this Lake45?

[Lake45]

Not good at all