C-PTSD. Can we start a conversation?

[JNChell]

I’m diagnosed. This condition overlaps with BPD. This was very scary for me for a while. The Acceptance has been liberating to a point. I’m angry that my parents did this to me. I was young and captive. It’s not my fault. It was never our fault.

The residual effects have me pissed. How dare these people do what they did, and then turn us loose. My abusers are dead. At times like these, I wish they weren’t so I could drag that pathetic man into the yard. I wish that I could shame my mother to tears with my words. I wish that I could cause an avalanche upon them. I wish that mountain of abuse would bury them. They would be stuck with their thoughts. I’m tired of suffering for their well being.

They adopted me. I’m so confused as to why.

[Learning2Thrive]

Yes, let’s have a conversation. No fear and face it... .visualize ourselves on the other side and pedal through to healing.

Angering is good and part of our recovery, JNChell.

Pete Walker says:

Angering is the grieving technique of aggressively complaining about current or past losses and injustices. Survivors need to anger - sometime rage - about the intimidation, humiliation or neglect that was passed off to them as nurturance in their childhoods. As they become adept at grieving, they anger out their healthy resentment at their family’s pervasive lack of safety – at the ten thousand betrayals of no-one-to-go-to for guidance or protection, no one to appeal to for fairness or appreciative recognition of their developmental achievements. [My book, The Tao of Fully Feeling, Harvesting Forgiveness Out Of Blame, outlines a safe process for angering out childhood pain in a way that does not hurt the individual or anyone else.]
Angering is therapeutic when the survivor rails against childhood trauma, and especially when she rails against its living continuance in the self-hate processes of the critic. Angrily saying “No!” or “Shut Up!” to the critic, the proxy of her parents, externalizes the anger. It stops her from turning her anger against herself, and allows her to revive the lost instinct of defending herself against unjust attack. Moreover, it rescues her from toxic shame, as it reverses Erik Eriksen’s famous equation: “Shame is blame turned against the self.” Angering redirects blame where it belongs.

Quote source: www.pete-walker.com/pdf/GrievingAndComplexPTSD.pdf

You are justified in your anger. Let it out. We are here to listen and support you.

You have so much awesomeness within you that they could never see. You are worthy of this time, your love, compassion and tender care—the care they were incapable of providing you. It’s not your fault. You are lovable and good.

 

  L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

I'm so glad that L2T posted from Pete Walker's site about C-PTSD.    You are not alone JNChell with this.

When my T said I had PTSD, I was in shock for some time too. My T and I both know that it's probably more likely cPTSD but only the PTSD is officially recognized. Here though, we understand well that what we went through is so complex.

 
Wools

[Harri]

Hi JNChell.  Count me in with the c-PTSD though like Wools, my T just says PTSD for the same reason.

Anger.  Rage.  I still get it sometimes.  I used to want to beat the crap out of my parents for what they did... .and what they took from me.  It is a healthy and appropriate response to what we experienced.  It is safe to talk about it here.  Know you are not alone. 

About BPD being very similar to c-PTSD, it is.  And yeah, sometimes I got/get very angry about that too.  I think though that with c-PTSD we can recover more than just manage unhealthy coping behaviors.  Don't quote me on that though but that is what I have come to understand after reading a ton of stuff on the subject.   A friend told me a long time ago that yes, I do have issues as a result of the way I was raised but it is normal for me to have those issues.  What would not be normal is to come out of my childhood intact, or thinking I was.  I clung to that as a lifeline for a long time.  Yes, I have issues, hooray! <a bit of sarcasm there>  It is true, I do have issues.  Acknowledgement of reality is important.

Kwamina, the Board Parrot, in all his wisdom once told me that sometimes when acceptance is too hard or even impossible, acknowledgement can take its place.  Not running from the anger and rage and pain of it all is good.  I see you doing that here and it is brave and indicates such strength in you.  You are worth so much more than what you got as a kid. 

My parents are also dead.  I find no joy in that but I do feel relief.  Lately though I found I was very angry with my mother (my worst abuser) because for her it is over and here I am stuck with the after affects.  Anger for me comes and goes.  Are you able to sit with it?  Just observe it without making a judgement about you or about your anger?  Anger can be healthy when channeled properly.   I used mine as an energy source to break away from them both physically and emotionally.  More of a Hell no attitude and being determined to overcome... .spite can sometimes be a good temporary motivator too.   

I don't know what would make a couple adopt a baby and then abuse him.  Maybe it is similar or even the same when a couple chooses to have kids and abuses them?  They wanted a child because that is what you are 'supposed to do' and that is what everyone else was doing?  That they were incapable or unwilling of seeing what a precious and important task they took on and how important self-awareness and the ability to check your own Self at the door is?  I'm not making excuses at all just thinking out loud about something that has had me confused for a long time.  I ask my T and she just nods her head, smiles sadly and says yes Harri. 

  

[JNChell]

I hate them. I’m glad they’re dead. They were evil. I held my moms hand when she drew her last breath. She didn’t deserve that. She deserved a punch in the face. Unfortunately, I feel. I know that she had a bad childhood. I hate her.

[JNChell]

She was supposed to protect me... .

[Learning2Thrive]

Yes. She was supposed to protect you. That was her job and she failed.
You deserved love and nurturing. 

You still do.

  L2T

[Feeling Better]

Hi JNChell

Just my thoughts here on why your parents adopted you. Maybe they saw you as their possession, theirs to do with whatever they liked. Maybe to fulfill their own needs in some way and to normalise their existence. Whatever the reason I think it was wholly selfish on their part, all about them and not about you.
 My counsellor told me that she thought my mother doesn’t see me as a person in my own right, maybe your parents thought the same about you too? 

[JNChell]

Hi all. I need to apologize for my comments before responding to each of you. The comments I made were unbecoming, unproductive and from a victim state of mind. I’m sorry. Being a thread that I started, I feel very out of line with my responses, if you can even call those responses. My hope is to get this thread on track with my original intention of starting a conversation and not sabotaging it out of the gate. Again, I’m very sorry for my words.

[Harri]

JNChell 

When the rage and anger and pain rise up, it is okay to let it out in a safe place.  Your comments only let me see you more clearly and that is a good thing.  As for being from a victim state of mind?  You were a victim.  I get it.  Post when you can.  We'll still be here.

[JNChell]

L2T, thanks for the support. The relationship that uncovered all of this stuff inside of me was a roller coaster, but it feels like I got off one just to board another. All of these emotions, memories, feelings of anger... .It’s all on the outside now, and it can feel very overwhelming at times. A lot of the time, actually. I know that the only to healing is walking through it, but it’s difficult. I know you understand this.

You are justified in your anger. Let it out. We are here to listen and support you.

This gives me hope even when the brighter side feels so far away. I can’t really even see it yet, but I know that it’s attainable. I’ve read that many people that are diagnosed with C-PTSD abandon therapy because it becomes very overwhelming and the patient retracts because they’re basically revisiting a time when there was no concept of relief. That it will always be this way. I keep this information at the front of my mind. I’m determined to get through this, and to become a thriver.

Have you ever hit walls with the thought that things will never really get better for you? If so, how did you muscle through them?

[Skip]

JNChell,

There are 21 steps in the survivors guide in the right margin. If you click on one, you will get a descriptive "pop-up".

What step do you feel that you are at?

Skip

[JNChell]

Hello, Wools. Thank you for chiming in. Yes, Pete Walker, I’m finding, is a very valuable resource when it comes to PTSD. I have “From Surviving To Thriving” on my bookshelf. I have yet to crack the cover. I went on a book buying spree and have a lot of literature to get through. Currently, it’s “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessell van der Kolk.

When my T said I had PTSD, I was in shock for some time too. My T and I both know that it's probably more likely cPTSD but only the PTSD is officially recognized. Here though, we understand well that what we went through is so complex.

I was actually relieved with my diagnosis. It gave me a template and something I can study/research. I’ve always been like this, though. I need to be able to apply what I’m learning to be able to understand it. Like math. I’m terrible at it on paper, but my career requires very good math skills. If I can apply to something other than a problem in a text book, I’m good.

C-PTSD is still just a theory amongst the mental health industry. I’m very curious to see how that evolves. Thankfully, for you and I both, as well as many others here, trauma specialists are embracing it as an identifiable condition and treating it as such. My T works out of the C-PTSD Workbook a lot.

[JNChell]

Hey, Harri. I’d like to point out one thing from your post that is very indicative, and I believe one of the fine lines between C-PTSD and much of the disordered behaviors that are discussed here.

  What would not be normal is to come out of my childhood intact, or thinking I was.

This is a key element to our recovery. Acknowledgement is huge, as was stated on another thread. In my opinion, this is a dividing line in our thinking, and for lack of a better comparison, their thinking. We simply acknowledge that something is wrong, we learn why and we have a drive to understand it, hopefully accept it and eventually heal from it. The most mysterious part of this is why some of us experience very similar things, and why we end up on such different paths. Some paths lead to healing, some paths lead to darkness. I have a hard time with that.

[JNChell]

Hi there, Feeling Better . Thanks for your response.


Just my thoughts here on why your parents adopted you. Maybe they saw you as their possession, theirs to do with whatever they liked. Maybe to fulfill their own needs in some way and to normalise their existence. Whatever the reason I think it was wholly selfish on their part, all about them and not about you.
 My counsellor told me that she thought my mother doesn’t see me as a person in my own right, maybe your parents thought the same about you too?

This really makes me think about “why”. They were all about keeping up appearances. For unknown reasons, they were unable to conceive (maybe Mother Nature was hinting at something  , and perhaps there was some competition going on as both sides of the family were having children. I most certainly felt like a possession, if not a slave at times. One thing that I’m beginning to accept is that I was a whipping post for two adults that were weaker than me as a child. I think that it’s important for us to recognize this about ourselves. We were stronger than they were as children. We’ve got this.

[JNChell]

Hello, Skip. I would have to objectively land on 12.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hey JNChell  

You wrote:

Have you ever hit walls with the thought that things will never really get better for you? If so, how did you muscle through them?

Hitting the walls? Oh yes! Many times. It’s a work in progress. Sometimes it’s 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Sometimes it’s 1 step forward and 2 steps back. And sometimes it’s amazing leaps forward... .which feels so good.

For me it’s been a process learning what works for me to muscle through. If you have a physical exercise or activity (or a few is even better) that’s a passion, it can really help.

I find that balancing the mental work with physical challenge that brings an endorphin release makes the biggest difference. I love bicycling. Been road cycling long distances for years, have done several century rides (100 miles or more in a day). A couple years ago I took an adventure cycling tour with a small group of women. We were all self contained, carrying all our gear, camping and cooking equipment. Rode 50+ miles per day. Rode through mountain passes alongside logging trucks. Climbed steep coastal roads next to RVs and people driving motor vehicles with no regard for anyone but their own self interest. This year I started my fat tire (over 4” wide tires) mountain bike adventue.

Every physical challenge provided amazing release, healing and insight. And brought me to where I am today, knowing I am worthy of my own love and care... .and as I love and care for myself compassionately, I’m able to give my kids (now mostly all grown) a better me.

 I still have a long way to go. I know there will be things that pop up that in the moment will feel like I’m being pulled back into the abyss and make me question everything all over again. But I am fortifying my foundation (learning and support system), establishing and enforcing truly healthy boundaries, and building healthy alliances (particpating here) and walking forward with confidence and genuine hope in my heart.

You can do this, JNChell.   And we are here for you on good days and bad. We can listen and truly understand the depth of pain and loss and incredible amount of work required to heal. We are here to encourage you. And I believe you will be here to encourage others. You are strong and you have resilience.

  L2T

[JNChell]

L2T, I just bought a bike over the weekend. I’ve also been putting together a mini home gym. The company that I work for has a really nice gym, but due to scheduling with my Son, I’m limited to 2 days a week. The problem has been implementing a routine and sticking with it. I worked out religiously from high school through my mid 20’s. I’ve never felt so good. I didn’t know about cortisol and stress hormones back then, and that working out reduced them tremendously, as well as the endorphin release. I look at those pictures of myself and wonder why I stopped being so healthy. I guess that I at least have something to reference.

Your biking adventures sound awesome! Do you think that part of this, from a physical standpoint, is breaking ourselves down to build ourselves up again? Working out, initially, is breaking down our muscles. They tear from the physical stress, and regenerate as being stronger. Hmm, something to ponder I guess.

I’m curious, have you read “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed? My sister bought me this book during a very dark time. If you haven’t read it, I’d like to recommend it. It might be up your alley.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi JNChell,

Even I, the trusty dusty llama, still hit walls, and I've been in T for quite some time now. I hit it less and less, and when I do, I'm more comfortable (not comfortable but more towards comfortable) than I used to be. I've worked through enough to know it'll pass and I'll get through. If you've read my current post on PSI, you'll see that I'm hitting a new place that is very tough. I sort of see it as... .start the music: "The last frontier!" Doesn't mean I'm done with processing, but it does mean I know this is a super big one that I've put off dealing with. Darn but if I'd known how hard it would be, maybe I would've waited even longer, but probably not.

The relationship that uncovered all of this stuff inside of me was a roller coaster, but it feels like I got off one just to board another. All of these emotions, memories, feelings of anger... .It’s all on the outside now, and it can feel very overwhelming at times 

I wanted to stop on your thought here for a moment. These rollar coasters that we get off and on, sometimes without even knowing it's happening until we are there, it's real important that we rest, recover, and restore in between. That helps you to ease the cycle a tad. If you can do something very deliberately to allow your mind and body a rest before the next round, it's a good thing.

What can you do for this rr&r?

 
Wools

[Highlander]

Hi JNChell,

Just wanting to let you know that it is common in my household for my DH to also experience intense hate towards both of his parents.   After having had both my in laws manipulate/gaslight myself for 12 years, I have the intense anger towards them too and can only try to imagine how difficult it really is for my DH after 42 years of this abuse and add to that - it being his parents.

DH's current diagnosis is now PTSD, but all his T's recognise it being childhood related and closely linked with his mother uBPD/NPD and father uNPD and their physical and emotional abuse and their inability to love unconditionally.  Like you, it must also really come in under the banner of CPTSD. 

DH has come a long way though - he was clinically diagnosed with BPD in 2011 and has worked hard to recover from that.  Now he has to address the CPTSD.  They say BPD is one of the hardest disorders to recover from and believe me, those years were very hard for both of us as his BPD was life threatening but I acknowledge that he is really struggling with his CPTSD.

His parents are still alive.  We have NC with them as well as all of his living relatives (ie: thanks to his parents gaslighting to them all about both of us).   There have been times in the past that DH and his mother have had a disagreement and she disownes him for long periods of time only to have her to walk back into his life as if nothing has ever happened, only to start the abuse again. 

At the moment, we believe she is playing this same old game with him and any day now (its been 2 years), she will try to return.  It is likely, as when DH ignored her 60th Bday the other day, her neighbour contacted DH putting his feelers out asking DH when he'll be back in the region (little does he know that he's being used as a flying monkey!).  DH informed his mother's neighbour, whom he hadn't heard from since his mother's blow up 2 years before, that he will never return.  DH said he hopes that hurt.

Its difficult to know whether she believes that DH really has made the decision to have NC with her for the rest of his life but we still live in fear when the phone rings or when a suspicious looking letter arrives in the mail. 

At times, DH says he just wishes they were dead so he doesn't have to live with the daily  fear and constant nightmares of another 'showdown'.  I guess on the other hand, seeing they are still alive, DH has the opportunity to prove to them that he has had enough and no longer wants to see them again. 

Deep down I can see my DH wants to be able to instil hurt in this particular way as she has no other children (SIL passed 2½ years ago)... .but do people like this really experience hurt... .I doubt it... .one day, when she really does realise that her son wants nothing to do her, she'll only use it to  cry fake tears on the shoulders of everyone around her and use the situation to blame me for everything.

Last night, I described your posts to DH.  There was a great sense of relief to know that his feelings are not abnormal. 

Thank you for your post JNChell, letting out your true feelings here can truly help others too.

[JNChell]

Wools, I will read your post about your current wall. Can you link it?

What can you do for this rr&r?

This question is easy to answer, but it’s been difficult to stand by my conclusion. I’m scatter brained lately. More than I ever have been. I’m 41 and feel like I had my wits about me more so when I was in my twenties. Maybe that’s just an example of ignorance being bliss. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my biological clock telling me that this stuff can go unresolved no longer. The reasons why that I pick at are beginning to feel irrelevant. It’s beginning to feel more like a duty I need to fulfill. Like I have to do this. That it’s paramount. My Son is relying on me. It’s time to crap or get off the pot. He needs me to be ok. I need me to be ok in order to do that.

If I’m understanding you correctly, you’re saying that each time you hit the proverbial wall that it’s easier. Is this due to implementing the tools that you’ve learned and a lot of self reflection? I know that sometimes things need repetition. Even when it’s uncomfortable, but it eventually becomes more comfortable and begins to make sense because it begins to show desired outcomes. Am I on the right track here?

[Woolspinner2000]

Yes, you've got it right! It's often gradual and slow, and thus it's really helpful to have someone like a safe trusted friend, your T or us here who see the changes taking place and point them out to you to encourage you.

I have a list of positive things that my T told me to write down, and even if I don't believe it, I do try and read it and begin to consider the truth of the positive words others say. Maybe you can start one?

I can tell you are so tired. You need rest for your spirit and soul. I'll say some prayers for you.

My post is here on PSI: Trauma, Triggers and Marriage counseling. Look for my name as the poster and you'll find it.

Hang in there. Rest tonight if you can.

 
Wools

[JNChell]

Highlander, thank you for sharing your experiences. I’m so sorry that you and your husband have had to negotiate this stuff, but very happy to hear that you’re weathering the storm together. So many of us here would love to be in your shoes with a partner that acknowledges their condition and is willing to put the work in. Odds are, his BPD diagnosis was incorrect. I’m not a professional obviously, so that is speculation. I’m sure that you’ve done plenty of research, and there is a lot of overlap between C-PTSD and BPD. The fine line being acknowledgement. Acceptance.

It is hard to know and understand that parents did this to us. The people that were supposed to guide and protect us. They failed, we didn’t. We’re just left with the fallout. They move on indiscriminately. I feel sorry for them. They didn’t get to experience the healing that you and your husband went through. I can only imagine how much tighter the bond became through the struggle. The things that you stated define true love. I’m happy for you, and happy that your husband has had you through this. You took the reigns.

Don’t take what his parents do or say to heart. I’m from a BPD mother/NPD father dynamic. Realize what they are. They’re not concerned with anybody’s reality but their own. It’s manufactured through very poor mental health and they don’t want to heal because seeing themselves is more than they can handle.

[Highlander]

Hi JNChell,

Thank you for your kind words.  I have a good friend's dBPDmother die last year.  He had been NC from her for many years and hadn't even introduced his children to her, and like yourself still, even after her passing, experiences angry thoughts towards her.

I respectfully have to disagree with the following:

Odds are, his BPD diagnosis was incorrect. I’m not a professional obviously, so that is speculation. I’m sure that you’ve done plenty of research, and there is a lot of overlap between C-PTSD and BPD. The fine line being acknowledgement. Acceptance.

There are cases out there of pwBPD that actually do acknowledge/accept diagnosis and they are not all that rare. My H was one of them.  We just don't see a lot of them on forum sites like this one as most people here have issues with pwBPD who don't accept anything is wrong with them so they need the support here to get them through the many strange/disturbing interactions we have with them.

My H had all 9 BPD traits and was diagnosed with BPD by 4 different psychiatrists and even more psychologists, all independent from each other.   

The difference for H was he actually had 'remorse' for his BPD behaviours.  Remorse led to acceptance/acknowledgement then recovery.  So for me, I find that the fine line is 'remorse'.

I have heard this theorised in a number of ways.  One is reference to other PD's.  Lack of remorse is not actually a BPD trait, but it is a trait of NPD and ASPD, which at times does co-exist with BPD, if not in full, but in one or many traits.  My H had no NPD, nor ASPD traits.

Another one is reference to 'low functioning BPD (LF)' (often landing in hospitals and at times because they almost succeeded at suicide so that gives them a big wake up call recognising that something is actually wrong with them, leading to remorse and acceptance) vs 'high functioning BPD' (often denies anything is wrong with them).  My H was definitely LFBPD.

Although I once lived with my H's BPD rages, splitting and self harm regularly and those years were hell,  I am now living without any of those traits except his depression, which is daily.

There are times when some random BPD trait may poke its nasty little head up, like the rare times when H may experience splitting and I just kindly say ''Hey Your Black & White Thinking'' and he'll think about it for a while and agree and apologise saying ''Sorry, I wasn't seeing the grey''.

The other night H had a laugh about his previous BPD when he told me he wanted to change his hairstyle yet again -  ''I guess I'll never get rid of that 'change of appearance' BPD symptom'' he laughed.  ''I don't want you to'' I said ''I love not knowing who I am going to wake up next to from day to day''. 

The hardest thing for my H to accept was when he was told by many T's that they believed his mother had BPD too!  It offended him ''I couldn't have what she's got.  I'm not that cruel''!  Once he understood that his mother also has NPD and that he actually had LFBPD and his mother has HFBPD, he began to understand.

[Highlander]

I just needed to add that there is one thing that was agreed by all H's T's and it made it rather easy for him to understand was that he was raised by two people that could not express their emotions effectively, therefore it was impossible for H to learn how to express his own emotions effectively either. 

There seem to be many adults raised in these conditions that did not contract any actual PD themselves and may instead suffer from CPTSD or like H -both. 

Now that H no longer has BPD and can experience emotions safely,  his T's can now address his CPTSD (his childhood) without risking his life, but we are finding out that H's CPTSD is either just as hard or even more challenging to address than his previous BPD.

All my hugs and support to you JNChell, I can only try to understand through my H's eyes how difficult it must be to suffer from CPTSD.

[Learning2Thrive]

JNChell wrote:

Do you think that part of this, from a physical standpoint, is breaking ourselves down to build ourselves up again? Working out, initially, is breaking down our muscles. They tear from the physical stress, and regenerate as being stronger. Hmm, something to ponder I guess.

Yes, I definitely think there is something to it. I think there are many parallels between physical workouts, mental workouts, emotional workouts and spiritual workouts; and there is a great deal of interconnectedness between them, whether to the positive or negative.

I’m curious, have you read “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed? My sister bought me this book during a very dark time. If you haven’t read it, I’d like to recommend it. It might be up your alley.

No, I have not. I will add it to my list.

I’m really glad you’re posting here, JNChell. Your sharing of honest expressions of anger, self-aware perspectives, and curiosity about the experiences of others is helping me and I’m certain lots of others who are reading but haven’t yet found the courage to post. 

  L2T

[JNChell]

Highlander, thanks for pointing me in the right direction here. This is very interesting. I have read/heard that pwBPD (untreated) do possess a certain level of empathy and sympathy. I thought I had learned a lot about comorbidity with this condition, then I talked to you . What you described makes total sense with the crossover of NPD or ASPD being absent. Thanks for pointing that out.

I just needed to add that there is one thing that was agreed by all H's T's and it made it rather easy for him to understand was that he was raised by two people that could not express their emotions effectively, therefore it was impossible for H to learn how to express his own emotions effectively either. 

This is absolute truth. I’m learning and accepting this through my own therapy. Like many of us here, I had a terrible frame of reference when it comes to issues like this. I truly feel for your H. It’s tough stuff, and I’m glad to hear that he is aware and accepting of this and is working through it. I’m always glad to read about success stories here. You yourself have been a real trooper to stand by him through his journey and struggles. It would be refreshing to hear more of your story if you’d like to share.

[JNChell]

L2T, thank you. I’m grateful that you and the other members are here to receive folks like me. It’s very reassuring. This is an amazing community that has helped me gain perspective and really begin to open my mind. It’s been a huge pillar on my fledgling path to healing. Many thanks!

[Harri]

On empathy, my understanding is that pwBPD do have empathy, the problems is how they handle it.  Same with any other emotions.  If they become overwhelmed it will trigger them often all before they are even aware of having an emotion.  I can understand that because it happens to me as a result of the PTSD.  I have been told I am heartless but i come off that way because I shut down emotionally.  I used to feel disconnected between my feelings and my words and actions because I shut down.  Dissociation is on a continuum.  I am told I am at the milder end even when I used to leave my body and observe it from a corner on the ceiling.  Mild dissociation.  I can't really imagine being worse and still functioning. 

JNChell, I think you show a lot of insight and understanding even though things are so complicated and so very painful right now.  You sharing yourself here is a gift to all of us and I appreciate your openness.  It is what we do, right?  Give each other support, understanding, perspective and sometimes a soft nudge in the right direction. 

[Harri]

Hi again.    I've been thinking of the post you made the other day in this thread apologizing for your comments and calling your posts unproductive.  I couldn't find my own words to say about that but I did remember reading something important for all of us to keep in mind: 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evil-deeds/201209/essential-secrets-psychotherapy?page=2

Swallowing the "bitter pill". We can't change the past. There are no magic bullets for undoing what has been done. No therapeutic techniques for permanently erasing trauma from memory. No way to unring a bell. This is one of the hardest and most painful facts of life for psychotherapy patients to come to terms with. They have been trying all their lives to run away from or deny the reality of what took place during childhood, be it physical, emotional or sexual abuse, literal or emotional abandonment, rejection or neglect. Perhaps the most painful, poignant and pivotal point during psychotherapy comes when, much like Oedipus, one confronts the true facts of one's own history. Some childhood wounding or trauma is inevitable in this imperfect world. In order to survive, both physically and psychologically, such trauma is often defended against in the form of childhood amnesia. In adulthood, emotional laceration may be recognized, made conscious, placed in a wider perspective, and, sometimes, even healed. But "healing" (like forgiveness) does not mean forgetting, for to become conscious is to remember and to know. Healing entails the mature acceptance of the traumatic facts of one's emotional mortification, the causes and the consequences, as well as a resolute willingness to swallow the following "bitter pill" : We cannot change the past nor undo the wound. Nor can we realistically hope as adults to now magically receive that which, in so many cases, brought about the original wounding by dint of its absence during infancy, childhood or adolescence. We can never return to undo what was done to us. To receive what we never received from parents or caretakers. We can, nonetheless, allow ourselves to feel our rage and grief over this irretrievable loss. We have the power to decide our attitude toward the past. We may even--with good fortune, time and grace--find within ourselves the capacity to forgive those who we feel inflicted our agonizing injuries. But we cannot expect to totally exorcise such "demons." They have taken up permanent residence. Become an integral part of us. Molded our personality. Made us who we are today. Partaking of the "bitter pill"--which includes admitting embitterment about childhood history--is typically the true turning point in therapy, as patient's start to move toward accepting the past rather than trying to forget, distort or change it, living more in the present, and looking ahead toward the as yet undetermined future. The empowering secret psychotherapy patients discover is that though the unpalatable "bitter pill" may taste terrible and feel toxic at first, it unexpectedly turns out to be emotionally medicinal and healing.

The whole article is excellent but I especially like what this section says about accepting our anger, that it is a turning point and essential to healing.