Pitfalls to watch out for

[BreatheFirst]

My ex uBPD/NPD is driving the separation process and firing off emails and letters to me and from solicitors.  I feel very daunted about the process but also in dealing with an unstable person for this process.

He has ripped away all the monies he was contributing (half mortgage, half bills, half child care, etc) and only now paying child support which doesn't cover even a quarter of all those expenses. Anyt time I stand up for myself in person or an email I get punished with another deduction of monies or he doesn't let me talk to the kids when he has them.

I fear being blindsided and wondering if people can share their advice on pitfalls to look out for/ be prepared for.

I read strugglingthroo's similar post and I think the advice about not trying to be fair is wise.  So far being fair has got me nowhere.

I guess I also need to buck up and find some confidence and fight within me.  But after feeling defeated and eroded it is hard to keep standing up and not wilting and giving in.

[kells76]

Hi breathefirst, sorry you're going through this. There can really be a lot of chaos and conflict during and after divorcing a pwBPD -- my husband has been divorced from his kids' mom for >7 years, and yet the drama continues. Fortunately it's more under control now that there are counselors involved.

I think I'm hearing that in addition to sending stuff to the lawyers, your husband is also sending stuff to you? Let me guess -- is he sending letters/text/emails that are blaming, threatening, and/or unrelated to the kids?

This is just one step, but what would it be like for you if you had someone (a trusted friend, family member, counselor, etc) preview what he sends you to see if it even merits a response? I wonder if that might free up some of your time and energy to deal with other parts of your divorce process.

With all the long-time members here, I think you will get a lot of good feedback and support. Let us know if you'd like some more ideas like this to help you through. You're definitely not alone in dealing with a high-conflict person.

[AnuDay]

I learned early in life not to fight with crazy people but still I do. The best thing that you can do is try to keep your life stable, whatever that takes. I would never try to go Tit for Tat with my UBPDeX.  Instead what we do on this board is to practice, prepare and plan. We try not to react and instead we try to plan for what the BPD may do next.  Judging from your thread it sounds like you are behind the 8-ball and you need to get in front of it. I was in the same position.  It does take time and courage to get yourself together and plan ahead but you have to do it so that you're not always reacting.  There are many many pitfalls and planning is one way of avoiding them

[BreatheFirst]

Yes, thanks AnuDay, I do feel like I am behind the 8-ball.  I would like to plan but I just don't know what to do next and hence I don't know how to plan around it.  I feel a little lost and wish I could see the bombs coming before they hit me!

I live in a state of anxiety trying to figure what he will do next.


Kells76, he is sending emails to be about things, mainly progressively cutting out all the finances so that there all bills fall on me.  That responsibility is stressful in itself.  He is hostile toward me at every pick/up drop off.  Its not verbal but you can feel the hostility emanating from him.  It is the same vibe he would give off when he would give me the silent treatment or wasn't happy about something I said or did.  I have a good friend who reads the emails and helps me respond but I think its still me getting used to the new level of nasty treatment.

I would defienitely like any more ideas on how to deal with a high conflict person.  Please feel free to give me any advice or tips! And the shared experiences are helpful too in knowing that I am not the only one going through this. Thanks.

[AnuDay]

I don't know where you are in the separation or if anyone has actually filed for divorce yet, but a divorce court order would help get things in order and protect you somewhat eg. who pays what, restraining orders, etc.  Not sure if you think there's a chance for reconciliation.

[BreatheFirst]

We are not married... .they call it a defacto relationship.  I'm in Australia and it doesn't seem that there are any legal protections regarding the finances.  The person who remains in the family home seems to cop all the expenses with a slight chance of getting a bit back at settlement as maybe an adjustment.  It is very frustrating.

I wish there was a chance at reconciliation.  I still love and care for him and despair that our family is broken.  He was one that left.  However there would need to be some VERY major shifts in his behaviour and attitude for me to consider it.  I doubt that he is able or willing to reflect on himself and his behaviour.  I feel very much I have been painted black forever more.

Its an awful place to be in.

[takingandsending]

Hi BreatheFirst.

So, have you hired or consulted a solicitor? If not, I really do recommend that you do so. If he is no longer paying mortgage, is there a process similar to America, where a quit claim is filed, i.e. if he gives up his obligation to pay for half the mortgage, he gives up his equity portion in the home?

And how was child support and the custody schedule set?

It sounds like things are not really finalized, and he is just dictating terms out of anger, which is pretty common for someone with personality disorder. Seeking your own solicitor will help protect you and your rights. You need to find someone who is experienced in litigating cases with a personality disordered spouse/partner. Things can seem really helpless, but when you take the process into your own hands, you may find there are more protections regarding finances and custody than you thought. But you cannot wait for your disordered ex-partner to become reasonable. You have to be involved in your own (and your children's) defense.

I can see that you are still grieving the loss of your relationship. Do you have any family or supportive friends to talk to? It's really hard to deal with all of the practicalities of making ends meet and deal with your own sense of loss at the same time. I hope you are able to get help just for yourself?