Feeling better than before: one week NC, silence makes me anxious, want peace.

[Tomacini]

I was quite hesistant to post this since I no longer want external validation but instead try to find peace within. I noticed though that replying to others also helped my case so I decided to write this.

I’ve known this BPD girl for 4 years, first 3 years lots of drama etc... .also partly due to my childhood wounds. 1 year ago she broke it off and almost immediately got into a new relationship to get over me, because she couldn’t be alone etc... .
I have been in intensive therapy for over a year, she for the last 6 months. After 2 months into this new relationship, she contacted me. I know they are looking for people who can be their emotional caretaker and I was better at it than the other guy. Our contact continued until I could no longer take that she was with the other guy and told her this: I cannot see you anymore as long as you are seeing another guy. Sure enough she broke it off with this other man, it was anyway a relationship doomed to fail.

From that moment on she started talking about marriage and children but this was of course way too soon but you know, it feels so good. Of course it got too much for her + all her childhood trauma was triggered by the therapy + some grievance for the other relationship and she became heavily depressed and distancing herself from me.

Unlike before she didn’t cut all contact but of course a person can handle so much so the distancing + all the heavy talking and the burden of her depression made me anxious and last monday when she was here i Cracked. I cried because of all the emotions I’m feeling and I told her that I missed the connection between the both of us. Surely I was needy and this turned her off. She said: I can’t give you what you want right now, why don’t we take a couple of weeks apart from each other. She hugged me and said: we’re still ok and I love you. I think because of her therapy and me being less needy (I used to blow up her phone, send 50 messages and be all dramatic) she reacted more elegantly.

It’s been 1 week since we had contact and she usually doesnt go without contact more than 5 days. But I know she’s working on herself. The therapy does a lot for her, she says it’s the best thing that ever happened to her. She wants to find out who she is and what she stands for and what she wants in her life and I think that’s very good. I also want her to figure these things out but sometimes we loose the connection But I guess that’s what she needs right now.

But still, the silence makes me anxious from time to time. I know we can’t be strong all the time, and that’s ok.

Thanks for reading and all the best!

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[once removed]

hey Tomacini!

i wouldnt beat myself up about the last time you spoke. im all for avoiding chasing and over pursuing and being too needy... .it sounds like you were vulnerable, which you need in a relationship.

i dunno that that killed anything, per se, it just brought the underlying problems to a head. it sounds like she was honest, that presently, she simply isnt in a space to provide that connection. that hurts, certainly, but honest communication is far more workable than l awkward distance and limbo.

she offered some reassurance too, which helps.

we all run into a place from time to time where we are emotionally unavailable toward others, and need some space to work on that by ourselves. theres a lot on her plate; more than likely, she needs to grieve the other relationship, and i suspect she realized that she was falling into old patterns with you (too much too soon) and caught herself... .it can be a really humbling blow, and a helpless sort of feeling when a person catches themselves doing that.

so, whats your plan over these next couple of weeks?

[Tomacini]

Thanks so much for your kind words.

She said she'll contact me in a couple of weeks after her holiday.
Sent her a short text to see how her operation went, she responded positively and I left it at that.

Maybe I'll reach out again to see how she's doing but I want to do it only because I really want to know how she is, not for external validation. I must be in the right state of mind and I'm not there at the moment.

I'll keep monitoring my emotions over the next couple of days/weeks