Another family wedding - another reminder how dysfunctional this is

[Hopeful15]

I have posted before about my UBPD DIL and my son.

We saw them at a close family friend’s wedding in April and they did not talk to us until we approached them at the wedding. Then they did show up for an hour or so on Mother’s day with a gift so that was nice. But they were “no shows” again for Father’s day which hurt my husband quite a bit. Especially since they didn’t even have an excuse.

So there was another wedding this past weekend. Every time they are invited to a wedding, they seem to show up so we weren’t surprised to see them. But once again, they did not approach us or acknowledge our presence until we approached them. And when we do, they were cordial but distant.

This time it was our nephew’s wedding out of town.  I noticed that the family closeness we observe at these weddings is something we used to have. And it really hurts that we are now a family split apart and we don’t even know why. My son and DIL are able to behave quite normally in this large group setting and no one would ever know the kind of vile things they have said to us (mostly in emails) and the way they treat us.

The only time (other than Mother’s Day) that they have contacted us is about a month ago. My UBPD DIL’s grandmother had died and they had to fly out of town for a funeral. So she texted me ( very sweetly I might add) to ask if I would watch both of her dogs over the July long weekend. I have my own new pup that I am trying to train and had already had plans for about 8 guests to come for the weekend. (at our cottage). My first reaction (in my head) was “no way”. But then I slept on it and decided to do it since a- she was in a spot due to a family death and b- I don’t want to make things worse.  So I did it. They thanked me and then things went back to how they’ve been all along. No communication, no connection, don’t care about us.

I would like to reach out to them but on several occasions, I have tried and my attempts have not been welcomed. (does not answer calls or texts). I haven’t tried for about a year now.

I feel like I have made a lot of progress moving forward with my life and not pining over the loss of the relationship with my son. I’m not saying I don’t think about it a lot because I pretty much think about it every day... .but I am not overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety any more. However when I get this kind of reminder , such as the wedding this past weekend,  the old feelings come flooding back. I didn’t know what to do with my anxious feelings so I decided to read the emails they sent us in the past.  And now I am angry again... .I can’t believe the things my son said to me and my husband in the emails.

Our emails were very carefully written and we tried to accept that in every relationship there are issues but we tried to make it clear that we accepted some of the responsibilities, acknowledge that he feels we made mistakes and would be open to talk about it etc etc. They were conciliatory emails. We have always been able to preserve relationships with people we love when conflicts occur. It’s about compromising, communicating, and being open. But the responses from him were very accusatory and aggressive.  Not once did he express a desire to try to make the relationship better. We have been telling ourselves that it is my U BPD DIL that is the author of these emails but now I am questioning that. Maybe it’s been my son all along.

I’m not sure if I did the right thing by reopening that can of worms and reading those old emails. Either way, I feel like I would be overwhelmed with emotions after attending this wedding.  It would be either sadness and confusion or by reading them, anger and revenge. My true feelings are that I want to ignore my son when I see him at these events and give him a taste of his own “medicine” and see how he likes it.

[zachira]

Of course, you are very hurt about being estranged from your son and it sounds like you have done everything you can to try and understand the situation. The sad truth is some people get angry with others when it has nothing to do with the person they are angry with and more to do with how that person who is angry feels about himself/herself. You seem to be doing the best you can to respect the situation you are in. You are not pursuing your son which would likely make things worse and trying to respect his desire for distance. Now that you have reviewed the old emails, it is probably best to let it go. Of course you are sad and grieving a terrible loss, like any parent would. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can help.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Hopeful15, 

Thank you for sharing your sadness and frustrations with us. As zachira said, it's very normal that you are having the feelings that you are. Here are some extra hugs for you.   

In my own life I notice that I can be doing exceedingly well, moving along in life feeling pretty good and noting my healthy progression to have healthy boundaries. Then something happens to remind me of what I have worked so hard to get over. Maybe I get very tired or lonely or begin remembering how unfairly I've been treated. I begin to feed those feelings and I start to add fuel to the fire of my own victimhood. Pretty soon I start getting hot and bothered and angry. I think it's pretty normal but it's not a healthy place for us to stay. My eyes have drifted from my own health to looking outward to how others have affected me.

It sounds as if you've grown so very much this past year, and I want to give you kudos!  It is one of the hardest things in life for us to bring change to our lives. You are doing that! Remember that you have taken back the control of your life and don't put it back in the hands of your DIL and son, no matter how hurtful it has been.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

My true feelings are that I want to ignore my son when I see him at these events and give him a taste of his own “medicine” and see how he likes it.

If I were in your shoes,  I'd likely feel the same,  wanting validation of my own feelings. 

As sad as the situation is,  however,  I think that you and your husband are doing the right thing by being better and not petty or using them as she did you with the dogs.

[Angie59]

Hi Hopeful 15!

It's good to hear from you again.  I can so relate to how you must be feeling.  Although LC is not really there for my son and my husband I, or his brother, our communication has definitely changed.  I do tell my son whenever I see him (twice a week for babysitting our grandson), that I love him very much, give him a big hug and kiss which he reciprocates and that is great!

I do hope this will last because I feel I'm walking a tight rope with it even though he seems positive towards me.  The conversations are really superficial, how's your job going, the house looks really nice, etc... .  No talking about his uBPD girlfriend at all (there will only be defenses for her made) and he himself said he was taking himself out of the middle of myself and her.  So he made that boundary, which is probably a pretty good one because I don't have any positives to say to him about her. 

I totally agree with what everyone said on the board regarding your progress in your own life.  I am struggling and taking a few steps myself in that sense.  No babysitting at all for instance in September while my husband and I take three weeks off to ourselves. 

I think you know or read about the tablet, so the I made a boundary about that one and said if I see the tablet out where GS2 will want it, it is going in your bedroom next to your night stand because I don't want him to have it while we are here (because of the nature of the content in photos).  He said okay to that and has been taking care of putting it away himself. 

Those are some things I have done but you seem to be way, way farther along than me and kudos to you!  I feel your pain about your son and the relationship being what it is.  It is my biggest fear - loss of contact with my son, thus my grandson as well.  You seem to have really taken some big strides here and along with that, took the high road and accepted taking care of her dogs even though you could have easily said no.  I think that sometimes just "doing the right thing" in your own heart is the best way to go. 

Hope to hear from you again soon!

[Hopeful15]

Thank you all for your replies.

Zachira, thanks for reminding me that this may not be all about me. After all , my son has always suffered with low self esteem.  And although he seems confident and self-assured when he is replying to me, I think it is more likely what you said about him not being happy with himself. It makes sense but I still do puzzle about him being unwilling to try and compromise with us regarding the relationship. That’s where I think our DIL comes in and her BPD traits. He is definitely being influenced by her

Wools and Turkish, you make some good points about falling into the victim hood trap. It’s like when feelings are hurt, we tend to fall back into reactions we might have as a child. Self pity, revenge etc. But the important thing to remember is that I am the adult and I don’t really want to be that childish person.

Angie59, thank you for your support and encouragement.

You have no idea how much all of you have helped me through this stumbling block. I am so glad I found this forum and all you wise people. All the best

[Learning2Thrive]

You have no idea how much all of you have helped me through this stumbling block. I am so glad I found this forum and all you wise people.

  Hopeful15

But... .yes, we do. We have been where you are. Whether with a sibling, in-law or parent(s). Some of us have all three!  

We are like family here. We understand and we genuinely care.

I hope you’ll check in from time to time. There’s still so much to be learned and nothing helps more than helping others... .even if it’s just sharing our own experiences.

Sending you gentle hugs and smiles.

  L2T

[Feeling Better]

Hello Hopeful15

I feel like I have made a lot of progress moving forward with my life and not pining over the loss of the relationship with my son. I’m not saying I don’t think about it a lot because I pretty much think about it every day... .but I am not overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety any more. However when I get this kind of reminder , such as the wedding this past weekend,  the old feelings come flooding back. I didn’t know what to do with my anxious feelings so I decided to read the emails they sent us in the past.  And now I am angry again... .I can’t believe the things my son said to me and my husband in the emails.

I could have written this part of your post, only difference being that my son, I am pretty sure has BPD traits. Like you I have lost the relationship I once had with my son, I know how heartbreaking it is. I too think of my son every day and I don’t think that will ever stop but I cannot live my life in constant grief, like you I am now in a better place emotionally. BUT, as you say, when these family events crop up all those old feelings come flooding back. I am just getting over the fact that my son has recently celebrated another birthday and has not acknowledged the birthday wishes that I sent him. Again.

I understand you wanting to read old emails, I have in the past read old text messages and practically every single one was him asking me to do something for him!

My true feelings are that I want to ignore my son when I see him at these events and give him a taste of his own “medicine” and see how he likes it.

Yes, I sometimes feel this way too, I get angry about what has happened to us but giving back as good as you get is not the way forward. It would probably not have the effect that you want and you could even end up feeling a whole lot worse yourself.

Stay strong Hopeful15 x