Bringing up possible BPD or just staying no contact after discard

[Antihero]

I have a close friend of many years who I just now realized might have BPD. Just a few months ago I had no clue such a thing even existed and after a ton of reading and research I feel that this friend seems to fit a lot of the criteria. I am aware that I am not a psychiatrist and don't have the ability to make a diagnosis however I am trying to understand whether or not something like this is best left alone or if mentioning something might actually be beneficial to them. Long story short this person had childhood trauma and a never ending chain of failed relationships, has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and has both idolized me and then discarded me as though I was a stranger over something that most would consider inconvenient. I had been discarded before but after a year of no contract I noticed I was unblocked and decided to reach out. After the reconciliation things were great and after a few years the distance grew. When questioned, it was written off as stress and lack of time essentially avoiding the topic making me feel like a nuisance. Eventually another explosion over something minor and back to block on social media with no contact. I've read that BPDs might sometimes regret their overreactions and other times you're essentially non existent to them after a discard. This has been a person I consider very close whom I've spent time and shared many experiences with so even if I don't fix the friendship I would want them to get help. Very confusing when someone tells you you're the best thing in their life and then suddenly just throws you away without much of an explanation. My question is should I reach out and possibly bring up the idea of them having BPD or quietly walk away and let them live undisturbed seeing as my coming back might cause more grief and stress? Reason is they have a life event coming up which I would like to celebrate them for but I'm starting to feel like years of friendship have been unreciprocated and it might be time to walk away

[Harri]

Hi there and welcome!  I am sorry you have been cut off by your friend.  It is confusing and painful when that happens.  Many of us here can relate to that experience and know the pain it can cause.

My question is should I reach out and possibly bring up the idea of them having BPD or quietly walk away and let them live undisturbed seeing as my coming back might cause more grief and stress? Reason is they have a life event coming up which I would like to celebrate them for but I'm starting to feel like years of friendship have been unreciprocated and it might be time to walk away

Whether or not to say anything will take some time to think about.  We generally don't recommend you tell someone that they may have BPD or that they exhibit BPD like behaviors.  It usually does not go over well.  Also, it is almost impossible to get someone into treatment if they do not recognize they have a problem.  People need to see they have a problem and want to get help for help to work.  Here is an article that explains this:  Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

When is this special event?  Is it soon?   I am wondering how much time we have to think about the best course of action for you and your friend.  It is great that you care so much about them and want to help. 

[Antihero]

Thanks I'll give it a read when I get home. No contact since end of April. The event is coming up end of August. I figured if I'm out I might as well plant the seed seeing as their family just walks around on eggshells and chalks it up to mood swings and the therapist seems to have missed it. Then again I don't know how candid this person was with them so things might have been excluded for a full diagnosis. Thing is this person told me they were aware they had issues blamed and devalued themselves not being to pinpoint the problem. meanwhile I coddled then telling them they were amazing and listing all the positives in their character. Maybe just like me they were never aware BPD if even a thing. I had no clue about cluster b stuff until I heard it on a podcast and it clicked. Then I started reading about it and found many matching traits. I've read so many different stories and instances that showed there is no exact answered as things are different from case to case. And I'm having a hard time between one last hurrah for a suffering friend or walking away and not stepping back into an emotional meat grinder which might wind up being a waste of time anyway as they see me as a horrible person

[Learning2Thrive]

And I'm having a hard time between one last hurrah for a suffering friend or walking away and not stepping back into an emotional meat grinder which might wind up being a waste of time anyway as they see me as a horrible person

  Antihero,

It’s been a few days. How are you doing? Have you decided how to proceed? We’re here to listen and support you.

  L2T

[Antihero]

 Antihero,

It’s been a few days. How are you doing? Have you decided how to proceed? We’re here to listen and support you.

  L2T

L2T,

I've done more reading and research. It's such an odd thing to learn about. I'm leaning towards sending an anonymous gift. I'm conflicted because I'm not sure if it's best to leave it alone or possibly open up the door to dialogue. Maybe subconsciously looking for closure.

Thanks for checking up.

[Learning2Thrive]

L2T,

I've done more reading and research. It's such an odd thing to learn about. I'm leaning towards sending an anonymous gift. I'm conflicted because I'm not sure if it's best to leave it alone or possibly open up the door to dialogue. Maybe subconsciously looking for closure.

Thanks for checking up.

Yes, learning about BPD can feel odd and overwhelming. Whatever you decide, we’re here to support you if you have questions.

Take care Antihero,

L2T