Hit, threatened, tormented, and I have no idea what to do PART 2

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

_{Part 1 of this thread is located here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327258.0;all}

Hi all, the situation settled down eventually, but I am anything but settled. This last act of terrorism from her I think has finally broken my heart beyond repair. The fact that after all I've done for her, she had to try and take from me the one thing I had for myself, and not only that, to publicly humiliate me in front of my classmates and teacher. I'm pretending I'm OK with her to get by and do what I need. But right now I can't find that "she's sick, she can't help it" sympathy in my heart, even though she pseudo apologized this weekend. This time she just took it too far. I'm afraid to go home and have to take anxiety medication just to make it through the evening.

Now back to strategy. Tomorrow I will tell my class some of what's going on. It will be humiliating, especially since I'm the only foreigner in the class, but it's less humiliating then letting them think I'm some deadbeat dad who's running away from a divorce and avoiding my wife and family as she more or less wrote on the school Facebook page. I am looking for a babysitter to go with me to the class and play with the kids quietly in the office. This babysitter would be my own and have no contact with my wife. I would tell them my wife sometimes has to suddenly work overtime or on weekends. This is better than leaving them at some strangers house or at my house alone. If I build some trust with the babysitter, then I might let them onto the situation. During the silent treatment period last week she started sending my son to day camp without consulting me about it first.  SoI feel no compunctions about putting them with a babysitter without her knowledge.

Called the social worker and waiting to hear back. Also forwarded my dysregulation records to our family counselor who we are scheduled to see about our son's behavior in a week. I thought it was important to show her the real family context if she's to help our son (Baby BPD I've begun to think of him) in any practical way.

~ROE

[RolandOfEld]

_{Part 1 of this thread is located here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327258.0;all}

Hi all, the situation settled down eventually, but I am anything but settled. This last act of terrorism from her I think has finally broken my heart beyond repair. The fact that after all I've done for her, she had to try and take from me the one thing I had for myself, and not only that, to publicly humiliate me in front of my classmates and teacher. I'm pretending I'm OK with her to get by and do what I need. But right now I can't find that "she's sick, she can't help it" sympathy in my heart, even though she pseudo apologized this weekend. This time she just took it too far. I'm afraid to go home and have to take anxiety medication just to make it through the evening.

Now back to strategy. Tomorrow I will tell my class some of what's going on. It will be humiliating, especially since I'm the only foreigner in the class, but it's less humiliating then letting them think I'm some deadbeat dad who's running away from a divorce and avoiding my wife and family as she more or less wrote on the school Facebook page. I am looking for a babysitter to go with me to the class and play with the kids quietly in the office. This babysitter would be my own and have no contact with my wife. I would tell them my wife sometimes has to suddenly work overtime or on weekends. This is better than leaving them at some strangers house or at my house alone. If I build some trust with the babysitter, then I might let them onto the situation. During the silent treatment period last week she started sending my son to day camp without consulting me about it first.  SoI feel no compunctions about putting them with a babysitter without her knowledge.

Called the social worker and waiting to hear back. Also forwarded my dysregulation records to our family counselor who we are scheduled to see about our son's behavior in a week. I thought it was important to show her the real family context if she's to help our son (Baby BPD I've begun to think of him) in any practical way.

~ROE

[Cat Familiar]

Hi ROE,
You’ve got some good strategies in place.

She’s pushed you so far, it sounds like you feel devastated that she would try and break the one thing you cared about.

You might think it embarrassing to disclose your wife’s mental illness to your class, but I imagine that people in every culture know about and have experience dealing with mentally ill people, maybe even in their own families.

The babysitter idea is great! And so is forwarding records of your wife’s dysregulations; that will give the counselor a far better picture of your family dynamics.

So, with strategies in place, what can you do to take care of ROE? A nice meal at a restaurant, a beer, a chat with a friendly person. Let’s all raise a virtual glass to ROE. You’re an incredibly strong and kind man!  

Cat

[RolandOfEld]

Thank you, Cat. As luck turns out I found a babysitter! I ended up telling my wife and sold it as my class becomes her night off rather than burden. She's OK with it (how could she not be?) but hope she feels at least a little guilty that I have to go outside for help when I help her with these kinds of things all the time. But I am happy because this is MY babysitter and it feels like the first step in taking my life out of her control because of the kids.

I have also just been asked by my company to make an urgent business trip to UK. This is my dream come true, but I'm really afraid to tell my wife. I am trying to arrange babysitter / sister support for her during this time but she will not be happy no matter what. I have to tell her today... .

~ROE

[Enabler]

Good luck stud

[Radcliff]

The business trip sounds exciting!  I understand there's stress associated with planning for it, but you've been thinking about it and I'm sure you'll handle that.  Don't forget to let yourself be excited about going and enjoy the trip.  I'm sure it will be nice to spend some time back in an English speaking part of the world!

How did the talk with your wife go?

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Hi all, my wife dysregulated and the talk didn't happen.

Also, I've decided to quit the accapella class. The stress of taking the kids and getting them home even with the babysitter there was night was too much to bear. And it was too hard and tiring for them to be out at night. I could barely focus in class and my voice is weak from stress. Better to try this again at a better time.

And I plan to tell my director about the situation this morning and say I can't do the trip. It's too high risk after what happened with the school. She could steal my luggage the night before, or do something to the kids while I am away and I couldn't get to them. The risk is too high. Better my career take a hit than my kids.

I'll mention I was near suicidal this morning until my best friend from the US texted me. His timing was perfect. He's a mental health professional and we hashed a lot of things out.

~ROE

[Baglady]

I'm so, so sorry ROE - I've been following your saga online and I so feel for you right now  . You are in the thick of things.  Please, please take care of yourself - if not for your own sake, for your kid's sake.  They are truly down one emotionally healthy parent so they NEED you to continue to hang in there somehow and stay strong.  It's hard though - so, so hard and you have my full sympathy.

You have lost this battle but not the war.  Time to take a deep breath and regroup.
Warmly,
B

[RolandOfEld]

Thank you Baglady! Your kinds words mean a lot.

Update - I just told my supervisors about the situation and why its too risk to go abroad and they were very understanding. My supervisor even said she had a former staff whose wife changed after being home with the baby and tried to cut him with a knife, so it sounds like it may have been BPD there. They will find someone else to pick up the trip. I am deeply disappointed to lose the chance (my dream was to visit the UK) but more relieved that I don't have to worry about what would happen if I tried to go.

Right now I believe I have to switch focus from getting her help to getting me and the children into a safer situation. The fact that they will both go to school soon helps. One strategy might be to encourage my wife to move into her own apartment near her new work so she can give it full focus, which is very common in this country (one parent moving close to job). I am also meeting some babysitters who could possibly give me some support. Maybe someone from my family could fly out here to help until things get more settled.

~ROE

[Radcliff]

Roland,

I'm sorry to hear that you've had to drop the a cappella class and the business trip.  Only you know the best way to circle the wagons and put the focus where it needs to be right now.  Put that class on your "futures" list!

As for the business trip, I like that you've paired that decision with a decision to put urgency on getting you and the children into a safe situation.  Your supervisor may have been understanding this time, but that understanding may wear thin eventually and you must be safe to work.  Having your wife get a separate apartment sounds like it might be a way to work within the culture and get some breathing room for everyone.  Whatever solution you find, it's important that in addition to providing good care and a good environment for the children, it allows you to work effectively.  You are the main provider for your family, so as you know, your work is for the children, too.

WW

[Cat Familiar]

ROE,
So sorry about the crisis point you're dealing with currently. And I'm sorry for the disappointments it brings to you.   

A safer situation certainly would alleviate all the danger and anxiety you're currently dealing with. I hope you can get your wife an apartment soon. You definitely need some support from friendly helpers.

Cat

[RolandOfEld]

Thank you, WW and Cat.

I think the apartment idea might be viable and that things might be lining up in this direction. I have found new resources online to help locate babysitters who could help with temporary things like getting the kids to school or maybe a little cleaning and cooking. I will pitch it as she will be super busy / consumed by new job, she could focus on that and maybe see the kids and me after work a day or two a week and / or on the weekends. Of course she will know its also because I want to be away from her, so if she asks on this part I will be honest that I think some space might be better for our family.

I used to bristle at the idea of breaking up our family, but I feel deep down my son is telling me he would feel happier and safer away from mama. Sad as this makes me, it might be true. This is a lower friction approach to getting some space than a custody battle I would probably lose.  

~ROE  

[Radcliff]

I used to bristle at the idea of breaking up our family, but I feel deep down my son is telling me he would feel happier and safer away from mama. Sad as this makes me, it might be true. This is a lower friction approach to getting some space than a custody battle I would probably lose.  

It seems really smart, you'd be proceeding directly to a more healthy solution for your family with out the delay, expense, uncertainty, and trauma of involving outsiders.  It is always better to figure out things out of court, and to have moderate solutions.  I'm not sure about where you live but in many localities the status quo matters a lot when settling custody issues, not to mention the fact that if your wife actually feels good about the new status quo (is that an oxymoron?  ) you may be less likely to have a battle even if you do proceed to divorce.

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Thanks, WW. It might take a campaign of conversations to make it happy. I think she still feels safest being with me and is used to me eventually defaulting to forgiveness and letting go and then back to normal life. But that normal life is becoming less and less sustainable.

ROE

[BetterLanes]

Hi Roland,

I just read your namesake's song (Dorothy Sayers' translation is online at  https://www.fadedpage.com/books/20130224/html.php )

This guy is awesome. Sounds like you have decided to channel your inner Roland and ride out to the metaphorical battle to improve your life. Godspeed to you.

Through Gate of Spain Roland goes riding past
On Veillantif, his swiftly-running barb;
Well it becomes him to go equipped in arms,
Bravely he goes, and tosses up his lance,
High in the sky he lifts the lancehead far,
A milk-white pennon is fixed above the shaft
Whose falling fringes whip his hands on the haft.
Nobly he bears him, with open face he laughs;
And his companion behind him follows hard;
The Frenchmen all acclaim him their strong guard.
On Saracens he throws a haughty glance
But meek and mild looks on the men of France,
To whom he speaks out of a courteous heart:
“Now, my lord barons, at walking pace—advance!
Looking for trouble these Paynims ride at large—
A fine rich booty we’ll have ere this day’s past;
Never French king beheld the like by half.”
E’en as he speaks, their battles join and charge.

>>BL notes: I see why it goes so wrong for original Roland after that good start is that he is too proud and independent to call in the reinforcements until it's too late and they can't get there in time to help out. Looks like modern Roland is doing a rewrite where you sound the horn as soon as you join battle and call in all the help you can. So your song is going to end better than his. This now is the part in the middle with the dramatic tension, but I think yours ends with banners flying.

BetterLanes x

[SunandMoon]

Dear ROE

I am so sorry! I usually hang out on 'bettering' and only just saw your post this morning.

It's unbelievable how quickly things have gone south and how badly she has behaved. I can't imagine how you felt when she turned up at your Acapella class with the children 

It sounds like she will stop at nothing to control you and get her own way.

And to miss your chance at going to the UK! To finally have a break and visit a country you've been excited about visiting... .not to mention, the chance to move up in your career. My heart really goes out to you.

As always, you are handling this in a compassionate way and thinking things through. But at what cost to you? You cannot continue to appease her and let a mentally ill person control your life. And the lives of your children. I worry so much when you say you are noticing BPD in your son too.

I hope you are keeping records on your office computer. Making notes of what happened, date and time, and keeping any physical evidence such as screen shots of the facebook page and any ugly texts, as well as call logs. Make sure you back up to an external hard drive or flashdisk too, so you have an extra portable copy.

I like the separate apartment idea and hope you can instigate this as soon as possible. Although I can imagine the extra stress of juggling your job, babysitters, looking after the children and home; at the same time I think it will give you space to really breath at last.

Sending you love and strength
SaM

[Woodchuck]

Hi guys, had something pretty awful happen yesterday and for once I'm at an utter loss what to do about it.

Things had been mostly good recently. After 4 years of staying at home with the kids, my uBPDw had just landed her lifetime dream job. This came in huge part from the support I've given her all these years and especially recently. The pressure of me to support our family of four alone was gone, and she could no longer torture me with guilt about her being the one at home. I bought her some jewelry she loved for our anniversary (which she forgot and always forgets). She's been seeing a psychiatrist and on medication for depression and anxiety, and I had some dim hopes that things were on an upward slant, especially since a few months ago I was often going to the police and preparing for a potential separation / custody battle.  

But  I sensed in the last few days that there was still a storm coming. I could see it in her eyes and little twinges of anger. Yesterday I was supposed to leave work on time so she could go do some laser surgery she's wanted for a long time. I got distracted in an important meeting that ran late and forgot and got home about 15 minutes late. This almost NEVER happens and I have an excellent record of being there whenever she needs me. But I knew it was like handing her BPD a steak dinner. She left and still made her appointment, but when she got home later that night I could see immediately she was in major dysregulation mode. I had almost gotten S5 and D2 to sleep (I sleep in a big bed with them these days, my wife sleeps in her own bed next to ours). Tonight I am supposed to start my accapella class, something I signed up for months ago and is extremely important to me to give me some enjoyment in my life. She started talking in a mocking voice about how she had something to do tomorrow night so I wouldn't be able to go. And how even if I didn't come home from work first before class she would leave the kids alone. We argued a little.  She crawled into the bed to hug our daughter and kiss her tonight.  Then she smacked me in the head in front of our two kids, saying "Oops, sorry, slipped." She then proceeded to turn off the AC in the room (we live in in a subtropical country in Asia in a climate she can tolerate far better than any of us).

At this point I'm just laying there in the dark, sweating, between my two sleeping kids, weeping silently. I knew I couldn't do anything about the hitting since it would just escalate in front of the children. I was afraid she was going to take the one thing I had asked for for myself away. I knew if I got up to turn on the AC she would get right up and turn it off again. The best I could do is lie there and wait for her to fall asleep so I could turn it on. I have never felt so helpless.

In the past for things like hitting I have notified the police to put in a record. But I have been divided on this recently since she seemed like she was making progress. I could also call the social worker that her psychiatrist has been pushing us to get in touch with and my wife said she would call, but I don't want to set off a situation that might see us losing the kids. I'm really at a loss and everyone's thoughts would be of huge help.

I plan to go to my class. I do not believe she would leave the kids alone. This has to be an empty threat. I doubt I will enjoy myself much, but I paid my money and its the first class. But I am quite afraid of what I will come home to.  

Thank you everyone,
RolandOfEld

RolandOfEld
You are definitely having a rough time!  I can relate to much of what you are going through.  My uBPDw was hired for her 'dream job' earlier this year but she soon quit blaming the place she was working at for not doing things as they should and blaming me for being 'too supportive'.  I was being selfish by being supportive according to her when in reality, I wanted to do whatever I could to help her feel successful and happy.  I thought that she more than deserved getting that job after she had spent many years at home taking care of the kids and putting her career on hold.
Anniversaries are another similarity.  This year, I did not even mention it.  In years past, when I have attempted to do something for our anniversary, she has pushed back, asking why I would want to celebrate years of hurt and misery.  This year, I just gave up. 
We have spent the majority of the last year sleeping in different rooms as well.  The first time that I chose to sleep in the spare room, she told me that she didn't like me doing that, she wanted to feel me close to her even when things were not right.  After that I chose to stay in the same room as her and expressed to her that I appreciated her communicating how she felt and that I would stay in the same room with her.  When the next episode began, I expressed to her that I was going to stay in the same room with her because I loved her despite what we were experiencing.  She replied that she could care less where I sleep.  At that point, I decided that trying to meet that need was pretty much pointless and have spent most of my nights in the spare room. 
There have been a few occasions where I have come close to calling the authorities but have not done so as that could have a huge impact due to the career field she is in.  I doubt that getting the authorities involved at this point would be beneficial, especially considering that it is quite likely that she would make something up and I would end up being the one facing charges. 
None of this is easy at all.  I really can understand the pain and confusion you are going through.  I do hope that things will get better for you.  On the bright side, at least she is talking to a therapist and making an attempt. 

Woodchuck

[raiano18]

Roland  Sadly, this sounds so familiar to me. Luckily, you knew what to do to end the current situation. Not feeding into it makes us feel like NOTHING but in the end its so much better to just take it and go with it. It sucks to have to live this way, but to avoid conflict we have to. My fiancé has BPD, and I deal with this so often. I can also tell when an episode is coming, by the tone in her voice and the look in her eyes. I feel one coming soon  In the meantime, I enjoy the person I fell in love with, and hold onto every memory. I hope the best for you, bpdfamily really is amazing.

[Cat Familiar]

Hey ROE,
How are things going today? Any developments on getting an apartment for her?
If not, what about an apartment for you and the kids? How about babysitters?

Wish you a smoother path ahead.

Cat

[RolandOfEld]

Hi all, I'm sorry for the late reply. I've been following but too consumed with family business and new job to make a decent reply. Finally got some time today.

After the incident with the bed hitting and dropping kids at my class, I realized the environment has become too toxic for me and the kids. At the same time, my wife is talking about how stressful and difficult her new job will be so I will have to take over most of the responsibility for the kids. I realized that this is my opportunity. The more I take care of them myself, the more control of the situation I have. Part of the reason she has so much control over me is because she can derail my life so easily, especially by using the kids. When she starts working she will not have time.

So I have been telling her she needs to focus on work and to just let me pick up everything. This is Phase 1. Phase 2 would be proposing she move near to her job since people here are terrified of commuting long distance; this way everyone can have some breathing room. Phase 3 would be eventually moving to full separation / divorce.  

To prepare, I am trying to interview some babysitters who could potentially assist me in the long term, e.g. picking kids up from school, watching them while I cook dinner, give me some rest time, etc.

I also reached out to my family about the severity of the situation. My father has already pledged to support me financially in the event of custody battle and is also helping me look for lawyers with knowledge of foreigner's rights in this country. I myself contacted the American embassy here to ask for such resources and am awaiting a reply. While I really don't want to go that far, I need to be prepared. I'm sure the last thing my wife wants with a stressful new job to deal with is a court battle that could ruin everything for her.

At the same time, the social worker got in touch with me this morning after having a talk with our psychiatrist, who gave her more of a perspective on the situation. She understands that at this point I am more focused on creating a separate living situation than improving the relationship, but she still suggests me and my wife come in together for an interview. After that she will help me find resources to move toward a separate living situation.

So on the action side, I believe things are coming together towards a possible solution.

On the emotional side, I could be doing a lot better. After what happened, its very hard to be around her, even when she's being her cheerful old self. I can't go back this time. The best I can do is fake it. I often sleep poorly and am more irritable with the kids. Sometimes I need to take anxiety meds just to get through the evening. All I see when I look at her is the person who has kept me in a cage for ten years. But I will not be caged much longer.

Oh, and by the way, she saw our marriage counselor yesterday (for our son, but this session focused on her). I asked her how it went and she said she told the counselor she felt completely unsupported and alone with the kids and how I took her for granted like a nanny. She said she broke down in tears and that the counselor looked ready to cry to (the counselor knows all about her BPD from me and what she's done). She said the counselor told her if I am that way then she should seek a parent support group. [Expletive deleted]. I feel deeply betrayed and frustrated by the counselors need to remain "neutral", even after I have told her about the problem in detail. I will not seek the counselors help again.

~ROE  

@raiana18, thank you for your kind words and so glad bpdfamily has been able to help you, too!
@Woodchuck  , looking forward to getting to know you on here and swapping stories! May I ask what kinds of things you called the authorities for? I don't know what country you are in, but generally if you ask to just leave a record on file it will not impact your wife.

[RolandOfEld]

BetterLanes thank you for the beautiful poem. My Roland comes from Stephen King's the Dark Tower, but the lyrics you shared could be describing the same knight character.

~ROE

[pearlsw]

Emotionally, I'm constantly vacillating between or "supporting someone I love who has an illness" or do I leave someone who is abusing me". I think reporting to the police is as much an act of love as one of self protection.

~ROE

Hey ROE, I was away on my trip and am just getting caught back up here. Argh! This is painful to read!

I'm usually on Bettering trying to keep up with folks there and hadn't been over here yet... .Was thinking of starting my own post on this board, but then got caught up in reading about you and feeling heartsick at all you are going through, but also really impressed by your strength as you go through all this.

Maybe it is time you start a new thread as it is reaching the page limit and there is still a lot of road ahead for you?... .And we all want to offer you support back!

Glad to hear you are getting out of the cage!    

warmly, pearl.

p.s. although you can't be part of the singing group now I hope you take all the chances to sing that you can. i don't have a nice voice or anything but i have used singing to myself (and to my SO even) in the last years as a way to comfort myself. so, if ya can, keep singing... .freedom songs! redemption songs!  

p.s.s. you are a great guy and the future will surely bring you more happiness someday! hopefully not too far from now! 

[Radcliff]

Roland,

Thanks for the update.  Don't be so ready to cut yourself off from the counselor.  I learned never to trust my wife's version of other people's reactions and feelings about our situation.  I've had many instances where she said something that sent me spinning off, feeling vulnerable and betrayed, and I later checked things with the person in question who had a totally different memory than my wife.  If your wife says anything about something someone else said or felt, including your kids, you must regard it as very possibly distorted.  I've been burned so many times.  It's of course possible that she accurately relays things sometimes, which makes it tough, but be on guard and don't give up on an outside relationship based on something she says.

The counselor would want to empathize with your wife enough to keep her coming back.  It's a tough place for the counselor to be in.  They may use partial validation, especially in validating her feelings.  It is entirely predictable that your wife would come back insisting that the counselor is entirely on her side.
 Your wife's report that the counselor was about to cry is very subjective and likely distorted.  It could be factual that the counselor recommended a parent support group thinking that your wife could benefit from being surrounded by other parents to influence her.

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi ROE, I read the counselor part at the end and truly echo what WW said, don’t write the counselor off just yet. I learned, not to listen to my husband’s version of what the counselor told him. Just wait and see what the counselor actually says to you. It’s sort of triangulation, or trying to get a third party to be the “judge”.  At any rate, I wouldn’t trust what your wife says about the counselor.

For what it’s worth, my husband likes to triangulate, or tell me someone else’s words, like... .the old guy neighbor across the street, the mail lady, the preacher, etc.  And the counselor... .

Dig

[Enabler]

Hey ROE,

Well done on executing the plan and checking things off. I would agree with Dig, be incredibly sceptical about any ‘information’ you receive back from your W especially as far as professional advice is concerned. It could well be an outright lie or could just be a messed up interpretation. On the other hand, the therapist could merely be suggesting your W does something about her perceived situation of lack of support rather than just moan about her victim status, a bit like “well what are you doing about that luv?”

I look back at my couples counselling and think “how on earth could T not see my W had BPD traits? I said so many things that should be huge red flags and yet she never cottoned on.” Who knows and maybe she did, maybe she saw that I was a reactive non and together we are toxic so best encourage us apart. I never received a headsup if T did think this. Anyway... .

Use the information from your W as ‘a source’ and evaluate that information, store it until you can validate its authenticity and then reason her motivations for sharing that information as when you can confirm or deny it. Few people stockpiled tins of food recently because of the reported new crack in Yellowstone Park even though the tabloids would have us believe the world was about to end?

[RolandOfEld]

Thank you all for your comforting words and feedback. After giving it more thought I determined the stuff about the counselor was likely a) an exaggeration / outright lie from her, b) the counselor just trying to offer some proactive, neutral advice, or c) most likely a combination of both.

The one good thing to come out of these sessions is that the counselor has more or less confirmed S5 is ADHD (her son was, too). I find it saddening but also a relief much as when I learned about my wife's BPD. Suddenly I felt so much more clear about their behaviors and could stop blaming myself. It also gives me some direction on how to approach the problem. I will be looking for the ADHD version of bpdfamily soon.

Emotionally, I still feel full of anger and hate. Usually my understanding of my wife's illness helped me move back into compassion but every day I look at her and think of all the ways I could hurt her back. This is not like me, but we all have a dark side, and I will walk the higher path no matter what. I think she is starting to sense the love has run out. I'm considering even telling her if it comes up that as far as I'm concerned she is only a co-parent to me now and my romantic love for her has died. Don't even know if she would care that much.

~ROE

[Cat Familiar]

It's sad when love dies, but after such unkindness, it's inevitable. However love can regrow, when one is treated with consideration and tenderness. It's hard sometimes to get past the terrible wounds inflicted, but awareness and behavioral change can assuage the trauma.

The difficulty with forgiveness with a pwBPD is the lack of awareness that they've ever done anything wrong or the unwillingness to admit it and offer genuine remorse that lasts.

Of course you're angry and feel hate for your wife's behavior. You've been living with the consequences.

So sorry, ROE.   

[Radcliff]

All of your feelings are understandable.  One of the things that helps me to not hate and to reduce my other negative feelings is to think about what will give me more serenity and peace in the long term.  Anger, resentment, and other emotions flare in me from time to time, but I'm able to keep them from staying, which helps my own mental well-being.  It's important, though, to feel the feelings before letting them go, rather than stuffing them.  Did you say you came from an FOO where it was difficult to express feelings?

WW

[Red5]

Emotionally, I still feel full of anger and hate.

This is normal, considering what you have been through, completely understandable, a normal human; emotional reaction, but don't stay there too long, as it isn't an emotionally healthy state to be in for too long.

Usually my understanding of my wife's illness helped me move back into compassion but every day I look at her and think of all the ways I could hurt her back.

I used to do this too, ie' feel this way, "a dose of her own medicine: that she has been forcing down my throat", .yes, I used to think this way; before I (thought) I began to understand/understand BPD… this phase of anger, you need to just let it go my friend.

This is not like me, .but we all have a dark side, and I will walk the higher path no matter what.

Good!… yes, take the “high road” !

I think she is starting to sense the love has run out.

Yes, sooner or later, when the Non comes around, and starts acting differently than before, the (abuser), pw/BPD will start to notice, and this is terrifying to them I do believe, as in "loss of control".

I'm considering even telling her if it comes up that as far as I'm concerned she is only a co-parent to me now and my romantic love for her has died.

If it were me, I would not do that, as another wrote here before, “let her connect the dots”… what purpose would it serve to even tell her that, actions speak louder than words (high road), as you start to act/behave independently/differently to her, I call this disciplined indifference; she will figure it out, and as I wrote above, she will become afraid, as you pass away from her ultimate (perceived) control.

She will have to deal with that "fear" on her own, .you take back your life, and live your life,

Best wishes, Red5

[empath]

The one good thing to come out of these sessions is that the counselor has more or less confirmed S5 is ADHD (her son was, too). I find it saddening but also a relief much as when I learned about my wife's BPD. Suddenly I felt so much more clear about their behaviors and could stop blaming myself. It also gives me some direction on how to approach the problem. I will be looking for the ADHD version of bpdfamily soon.

One of the things that I have learned in my own journey is that sometimes kids who are in abusive environments can show behaviors that are remarkably similar to ADHD. I have a friend whose son was even diagnosed with ADHD and was medicated for it. She noticed that his behaviors would be significantly better when he had less time with his dad and less medication.

[pearlsw]

Emotionally, I still feel full of anger and hate. Usually my understanding of my wife's illness helped me move back into compassion but every day I look at her and think of all the ways I could hurt her back. This is not like me, but we all have a dark side, and I will walk the higher path no matter what. I think she is starting to sense the love has run out. I'm considering even telling her if it comes up that as far as I'm concerned she is only a co-parent to me now and my romantic love for her has died. Don't even know if she would care that much.

~ROE

hey all,

I think this is what has led to my most recent troubles. Him sensing the love was running out after all the mistreatment.

I liked Red5's advice, for myself at least, to leave it unsaid. If you need to say it, say it as long as it is not said in anger or with cruelty.

I had moments, when we used to share a bed, we don't because of work schedules (and BPD related reasons), where I'd lie next to him at night just holding all my anger in and having dark thoughts as well. They are just thoughts. Let them go. We see you on the high road! We're walking with you! 

take care, pearl.