The Vicious Circle: My inner rescuer is trying to fix things again.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Greetings everyone,

I have been on this forum for quite a while now, so I feel the need to tell my story and get as many comments and as much feedback I can get from people with experience with BPD.

I will begin by saying by no way am I a victim in any of this. I heard a very true statement saying that when you are involved with someone wBPD, there are no victims, only volunteers. I am asking for help because I honestly do not know what to do anymore, so here goes (this story will get very deep, and I will spare no details in order to be as transparent as possible):

I met my current ex with traits of BPD (undiagnosed, but 9/10 boxes are ticked) in December 2017 at the gym that I go to. She was 19 at the time, and I am 29. We hit it off great, despite my concern of the age gap. We did have a few teething problems, as responsibilities for some one who is exiting their teenage years, differ to some one approaching their 30s. I noticed that she would avoid conflict by shutting down, and divert the attention on my problems/issues at hand disrupting our happiness, and it would end up being me feeling guilty for having a concern in the first place.

We slept together on the 2nd time hanging out, and the sex got better and better, by far, the best I have EVER had. Which I know is one of the 'hooks' that keep you in, which it did, because everything else went to, well you know.

Once we became closer, we fought, almost every single day. She was up and down, up to 3 - 4 mood swings per day. I would be the hero then her worst enemy in a split second. Every morning I would wake up wondering what would be the mood of the morning or day. I did not know of this condition at the time, so I took it personally, thinking that I was somehow responsible for her bad moods, as much as I was for her good moods. It was draining, I wanted to leave so many times which she knew about, which did not go down well obviously because she thought I did not want to stay anymore. In truth, I wanted to stay, our good times were the best we've had, but the bad times, were super low, and they snapped at me like a bolt of lightening.

Fast forward a few months and the good times were better (the sex improved a LOT), but the bad times were on the opposite side of the spectrum. I would be spoken to like I was a child and put down constantly, especially in public around friends. I would not understand why some one who said they love you would do this, I still don't know, but I pushed through, still voicing my doubts. I remember one weekend we were at a competition during the day competing in the same team, and she would put me down the whole day, to a point where I just wanted to leave and be alone where it was quiet. That evening we lay in bed, her all cuddled up to me, and she could not understand why I was still upset from what happened the night before. We would have a huge fight that night, because I asked her if she was happy with me, and when it was my turn to answer, I said that it felt that she put me down in front of people all the time, so she couldn't be happy with me. She would stare at the wall, crying angrily saying "you said you are not happy with me!", which I did not. I had to ask her "did I say that I was not happy with you?", when she realized that I did not say anything of the sort, just that I had a concern with if she was actually happy with me, she brushed off the fact that she misheard me and invented what I said to make it about her.

Things got worse, I was desperate, I did not understand why I was on this rollercoaster. I wanted out, but this time, properly. I am never one to call it quits but I had so many suicidal thoughts as I would see it as the only way out from this pain. We broke up because things were getting worse. A week and a half later, she cornered me off outside the gym, and told me she loves me, and wanted another chance. That she would do anything to make things right. Her friends had told her a few days before that they were sick and tired of how up and down she was, and over the horrible things she would say without thinking (sounds familiar!). So she had a sudden realization, and she wanted to make things right. I was hesitant, very, VERY hesitant, but on that Thursday evening I said I would give her a chance. The next day we slipped back into what we felt comfortable. That Saturday she went out with her sister in the afternoon, and got smashed. I asked her to come see me in the evening as she was out in the day (to see if she would actually put time aside to sort things out and see if she was serious about us), which she didn't. We had another fight, I was even more hesitant. She was under the belief that I did not want her and I, but I did, I was still there, trying desperately to get her to see how much I was hurting after she walked out on me telling me she didn't want me anymore, to a week later where she would do anything for us. That Sunday, she came over, we spoke about everything, and eventually made up.

On that Sunday evening, I didn't know, but I would reach my lowest I have ever been. She sat on my lap, we were having a great evening talking about us and how things were going to be, we were happy, when she looked at me and said "I found some one I can replace you with if this doesn't work out". Cut a long story short, she met some one when we were broken up, and she was texting him. He was out with the same group of friends the night before whilst she was with her sister. She promised me that they hadn't spoken since the time they met, until I demanded to see her phone, which showed that they were talking that Sunday morning! I asked her why is she talking to this dude if she begged me for another chance? She said "because we were fighting and I needed attention from another guy". Well, that was me, I cut myself, I wanted out, badly. She stayed the night to make sure I was OK. I remember saying to her that I would give her a chance after that.

A week later I was back to the up and downs of her moods, not being good enough and spoken to badly. I told her that nothing was changing, so why should I stay. She came over and was very apologetic. My shrink would warn me that I needed to leave, for my sake, that every time I went back it would get worse until it eventually literally killed me. I got so angry at her that I had been put through so much that I very stupidly out of desperation threatened to leak personal photos of her, which I would never, EVER do. I was super angry, and it's no excuse. I apologized profusely, and she said she forgave me.

She now says I must move on, but she doesn't want me to leave her life because she has feelings for me, but can never work out because what I threatened her, and because she believes she is not good for me because of how she makes me feel (suicide etc). So now, here I am asking HER for a chance, despite the lies and everything she has done to me.

I can honestly say I do not know what I am doing anymore. So much has happened that I truly don't know if we could work out. Absolutely no one is supportive of us. We are still talking, and I am trying to make things right. For what, I don't know. I guess my inner rescuer is trying to fix things again (and I miss the sex, shallow, I know).

So, what do I do?

[evs09]

Greetings everyone,

I have been on this forum for quite a while now, so I feel the need to tell my story and get as many comments and as much feedback I can get from people with experience with BPD.

I will begin by saying by no way am I a victim in any of this. I heard a very true statement saying that when you are involved with someone wBPD, there are no victims, only volunteers. I am asking for help because I honestly do not know what to do anymore, so here goes (this story will get very deep, and I will spare no details in order to be as transparent as possible):

I met my current ex with traits of BPD (undiagnosed, but 9/10 boxes are ticked) in December 2017 at the gym that I go to. She was 19 at the time, and I am 29. We hit it off great, despite my concern of the age gap. We did have a few teething problems, as responsibilities for some one who is exiting their teenage years, differ to some one approaching their 30s. I noticed that she would avoid conflict by shutting down, and divert the attention on my problems/issues at hand disrupting our happiness, and it would end up being me feeling guilty for having a concern in the first place.

We slept together on the 2nd time hanging out, and the sex got better and better, by far, the best I have EVER had. Which I know is one of the 'hooks' that keep you in, which it did, because everything else went to, well you know.

Once we became closer, we fought, almost every single day. She was up and down, up to 3 - 4 mood swings per day. I would be the hero then her worst enemy in a split second. Every morning I would wake up wondering what would be the mood of the morning or day. I did not know of this condition at the time, so I took it personally, thinking that I was somehow responsible for her bad moods, as much as I was for her good moods. It was draining, I wanted to leave so many times which she knew about, which did not go down well obviously because she thought I did not want to stay anymore. In truth, I wanted to stay, our good times were the best we've had, but the bad times, were super low, and they snapped at me like a bolt of lightening.

Fast forward a few months and the good times were better (the sex improved a LOT), but the bad times were on the opposite side of the spectrum. I would be spoken to like I was a child and put down constantly, especially in public around friends. I would not understand why some one who said they love you would do this, I still don't know, but I pushed through, still voicing my doubts. I remember one weekend we were at a competition during the day competing in the same team, and she would put me down the whole day, to a point where I just wanted to leave and be alone where it was quiet. That evening we lay in bed, her all cuddled up to me, and she could not understand why I was still upset from what happened the night before. We would have a huge fight that night, because I asked her if she was happy with me, and when it was my turn to answer, I said that it felt that she put me down in front of people all the time, so she couldn't be happy with me. She would stare at the wall, crying angrily saying "you said you are not happy with me!", which I did not. I had to ask her "did I say that I was not happy with you?", when she realized that I did not say anything of the sort, just that I had a concern with if she was actually happy with me, she brushed off the fact that she misheard me and invented what I said to make it about her.

Things got worse, I was desperate, I did not understand why I was on this rollercoaster. I wanted out, but this time, properly. I am never one to call it quits but I had so many suicidal thoughts as I would see it as the only way out from this pain. We broke up because things were getting worse. A week and a half later, she cornered me off outside the gym, and told me she loves me, and wanted another chance. That she would do anything to make things right. Her friends had told her a few days before that they were sick and tired of how up and down she was, and over the horrible things she would say without thinking (sounds familiar!). So she had a sudden realization, and she wanted to make things right. I was hesitant, very, VERY hesitant, but on that Thursday evening I said I would give her a chance. The next day we slipped back into what we felt comfortable. That Saturday she went out with her sister in the afternoon, and got smashed. I asked her to come see me in the evening as she was out in the day (to see if she would actually put time aside to sort things out and see if she was serious about us), which she didn't. We had another fight, I was even more hesitant. She was under the belief that I did not want her and I, but I did, I was still there, trying desperately to get her to see how much I was hurting after she walked out on me telling me she didn't want me anymore, to a week later where she would do anything for us. That Sunday, she came over, we spoke about everything, and eventually made up.

On that Sunday evening, I didn't know, but I would reach my lowest I have ever been. She sat on my lap, we were having a great evening talking about us and how things were going to be, we were happy, when she looked at me and said "I found some one I can replace you with if this doesn't work out". Cut a long story short, she met some one when we were broken up, and she was texting him. He was out with the same group of friends the night before whilst she was with her sister. She promised me that they hadn't spoken since the time they met, until I demanded to see her phone, which showed that they were talking that Sunday morning! I asked her why is she talking to this dude if she begged me for another chance? She said "because we were fighting and I needed attention from another guy". Well, that was me, I cut myself, I wanted out, badly. She stayed the night to make sure I was OK. I remember saying to her that I would give her a chance after that.

A week later I was back to the up and downs of her moods, not being good enough and spoken to badly. I told her that nothing was changing, so why should I stay. She came over and was very apologetic. My shrink would warn me that I needed to leave, for my sake, that every time I went back it would get worse until it eventually literally killed me. I got so angry at her that I had been put through so much that I very stupidly out of desperation threatened to leak personal photos of her, which I would never, EVER do. I was super angry, and it's no excuse. I apologized profusely, and she said she forgave me.

She now says I must move on, but she doesn't want me to leave her life because she has feelings for me, but can never work out because what I threatened her, and because she believes she is not good for me because of how she makes me feel (suicide etc). So now, here I am asking HER for a chance, despite the lies and everything she has done to me.

I can honestly say I do not know what I am doing anymore. So much has happened that I truly don't know if we could work out. Absolutely no one is supportive of us. We are still talking, and I am trying to make things right. For what, I don't know. I guess my inner rescuer is trying to fix things again (and I miss the sex, shallow, I know).

So, what do I do?

[formflier]

I'm so glad you found us and so sorry you are in the BPDish situation that brought you here.

    

I really picked up on the "victim" and "volunteer" comment.  I would hope you can set that aside "for now".

After a while of learning and understanding about a pwBPD I'm positive you will be able to make more thoughtful choices about your role in this relationship.

I'm not at all dismissing the big middle part of your story, I see mood swings and push pull... and other stuff.

The question about "what do you do" is that you start learning.  If you are diligent about this for a month, you will look differently at your relationship... .same thing for another month. 

Note... we aren't going to tell you what to do about the relationship, but we can help you think it through.

Look on the right side of the screen... can you go through "choosing a path"?  Let us know what catches your eye.

FF

[evs09]

Thank you formflier for the response.

I would have to say 1, 2 and 4. Heck, maybe all of them. I know I need to remove myself out of this situation. I keep talking to her, I see her every day at the gym that I train at. I can go to my shrink, have the most positive outlook on progressing and getting out of this, then I see her and bam.

[formflier]

Can you tell me a bit about the relationship with your therapist?   What kinds of things have you discussed/tried at the guidance of your T (how we say "therapist" in shorthand)

Glad to see your response... .keep working at it... we'll get you on a better path!

FF

[evs09]

She is a cognitive therapist, which has been extremely helpful to help me see things from a head-on perspective. She has always supported me with my decisions to stay, but as time went on and she learned more about her BPD traits (as I did), she would tell me that I would pro-actively need to up my gear with getting through and over the relationship. Hope this answers your question?

[Cat Familiar]

I reread your first post and was looking for something positive that you experience in the relationship, besides the good sex.

There's plenty on the negative side: mood swings, fighting, it's "draining," being spoken to like a child and put down constantly in public around friends.

You mention having suicidal thoughts due to this relationship of less than a year. When you tried to reconcile, she told you that she had already found a   replacement for you if it didn't work out. Out of desperation, you threatened to release revenge photos of her. None of your friends are supportive, and your therapist has told you to end this relationship.

It appears more like an addiction than a relationship. From Wikipedia: "An intimate relationship is an interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy is characterized by friendship, platonic love, romantic love, or sexual activity."

OK, you've got the sexual activity, but what else? Other than sex, what is good about this relationship?

[evs09]

I reread your first post and was looking for something positive that you experience in the relationship, besides the good sex.

There's plenty on the negative side: mood swings, fighting, it's "draining," being spoken to like a child and put down constantly in public around friends.

You mention having suicidal thoughts due to this relationship of less than a year. When you tried to reconcile, she told you that she had already found a   replacement for you if it didn't work out. Out of desperation, you threatened to release revenge photos of her. None of your friends are supportive, and your therapist has told you to end this relationship.

It appears more like an addiction than a relationship. From Wikipedia: "An intimate relationship is an interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy is characterized by friendship, platonic love, romantic love, or sexual activity."

OK, you've got the sexual activity, but what else? Other than sex, what is good about this relationship?

When the mood was good, we would be like best friends, all the good stuff. It was fun, easy going, and it was good to have the company.

Funny thing is, the more I think about it, and especially when I write it down, I know that if I had to find some one who can offer the same (without the wild ups and downs), I wouldn't even be writing this post. Which hits hard at my newly realized codependency issue. But why her? Why am I so stuck on this?

[Cat Familiar]

So you've enjoyed the good companionship, the fun, but at the same time, you realize that she has these wild mood swings. You wonder why you're stuck on her, when you could try and find someone who brings all those good things to a relationship, yet doesn't have the mental health issues. And like many members here, you realize your tendencies to be codependent, to try and take care of other people's issues, often at the expense of your own well being.

[evs09]

So you've enjoyed the good companionship, the fun, but at the same time, you realize that she has these wild mood swings. You wonder why you're stuck on her, when you could try and find someone who brings all those good things to a relationship, yet doesn't have the mental health issues. And like many members here, you realize your tendencies to be codependent, to try and take care of other people's issues, often at the expense of your own well being.

I don't mind the mental health issues, I think everyone has one, but it's how I was treated, manipulated, put down. I want to stay because I always look for the good and positive end result in everything, and forget that I need to be healthy myself, which I think is the problem here.

When I'm alone I can convince myself that I dont deserve what I was put through regardless of the end result, but as soon as there is a "trigger" of her, I lose all logic thought and self worth and would gladly sacrifice my health for hers. Not good.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm posting something from another poster's thread which I think is a brilliant response that also applies to your situation:

After being with pwBPD for as long as I have, not even as long as others, I’m not so sure I would give anyone(knowingly) with a PD a shot. Nothing against them as individuals as all people deserve respect, but why knowingly submit oneself to that. It’s been 4 months, definitely enough time to really like someone, and possibly enough time to be in it with your heart, but again I would consider this as a vision of what your permanent future would be like. Is this what you want to live with forever? Dating is the stage leading to marriage, if you can’t see yourself dealing with this permanently then the dating stage worked as it should as a window for the future and now you make a decision. The more obligations you have with a person the decision will become harder. I also feel the more obligation and commitments you have the person with a PD will become more comfortable with you, meaning they will show you more of their true self the PD will possibly become stronger not necessarily better.

[evs09]

I'm posting something from another poster's thread which I think is a brilliant response that also applies to your situation:

I have read this over and over and it is unbelievably applicable. I texted her last night to say that I have got my closure. I am going to do everything in my power to get through this. I cannot subject myself to this abuse in exchange for company and sex. I need to go back to the drawing board, fix my own issues before I even start looking again.

I heard another quote, it goes something like this: "If you let your sex drive, and your inner rescuer/knight in shining armor do your screening for a partner, you might as well accept that you're a BPD magnet and call it a day". Blunt, but powerful.

Here's to healing 

[Cat Familiar]

You might think about joining the other folks on "etaching from a Failed Relationship." https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0
There's a lot of collective wisdom to be found there.

I married two BPD husbands. I was totally influenced by family of origin stuff. My mother was a pwBPD and she taught me what "love" is--which I later learned was tolerance for really out of bounds behavior. Live and learn.