New attitude

[abcdefg1]

I originally posted this as a reply but I'd like it to stand alone as a post as well.
 I am now in a period of limited to no contact witht he grandkids as my 30 yo DD has BPD and I believe NPD as well. She is doing 'what is good for her' and only allows us 'day visits on special occasions' which are hell because she never gives us a moment alone with the kids, always hovering and micromanaging to the point where we cant even enjoy them.
However, I am so done. I used to ask (read:beg) for holiday/weekend time. Now at this point, I realize that it is over bc I cant put myself thru the pain of living visit to visit, call to call. the grandkids actually lived here for a short time and it was amazing bc she wasnt here except once or twice a week (and BTW they are at their WORST with her around). However now that she has continued to push us away and set time limits  even when we can see them (I think it was 6 times all told last year) I just cant anymore.
based on the last 7 years, when she went through a divorce and is still in a custody battle with my ex SIL,My advice to you all is: Live your life. Find your joy elsewhere. I have no other children/grandchildren so if u do, lucky you. Enjoy them.
I will  be with the grandkids when i can but if I cant, just wont think about it like I used to, and obsess about them like I used to. I will now put my husband first, and myself and my health first. To all of you out there in my situation:
Just live life. You will find it to be so much better for you. And yes I do cry buckets too... but then I wash my face and move on. Its her loss, not ours, and i hope that one day when the grandkids get older, they will come find us on their own. I pray alot and trust God in Heaven who sees everything, that one day this will happen. Best of luck to you all... .and know that that I do feel your pain, and send hugs. All the best.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi there abcdefg1

Wow, I think that was a brave post for you to write, I know how much your grandkids mean to you.

I am sorry that you have no other grandkids, not that having other grandkids would necessarily make it easier for you to bear. It is hard no matter what.

Your advice is good advice - just live life. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, I know that for sure. What does living your life look like for you abcdefg1, are you able to get on with your life? Sending you hugs   

[Lake45]

Such a timely post. My husband and I are fairly new to the no contact with our daughter. She is 21 and is UBPD but also has very narscisstic tendencies. She is also in an abusive relationship of only 2 months and they are trying for a baby. A baby I am quite certain we will never see. She has also stated in the last month that she has had 2 miscarriages... .which is a whole other story and not one we believe.
However we do have a 10 year old daughter as well. She has quite calmly told us that she is somewhat happy that her older sister is nit around so that perhaps some attention can be directed at her. Shame on us

[Huat]

Hi Abcdefg1

I'm not sure if I have responded to any of your posts but I know I have read them and much of what you write resonates with me... .especially the cut off from the grandchildren... .my only grandchildren, too.

That was such a good idea, pulling up this old post of yours and starting a new thread because there are important words to be read by those many others who walk in similar shoes.

You write... .

"I will be with the grandkids when I can but if I can't, just won't think about it like I use to and obsess about them like I used to.  I will now put my husband first and myself and my health first.  To all of you out there in my situation... .Just live life.  You will find it to be so much better for you.  And yes, I do cry buckets, too... .but then I wash my face and move on."

With all that said, I'm sure you (like me) will have your days but with work, those days will be fewer and fewer... .those tears not filling buckets... .in time.  It is long, hard work for us parents t to accept the reality that there is only so much we can do and that the only control we have is over ourselves. 

I certainly hope you stay with us Abcdefg1!   I think you will have lots to offer as you share the stories of your journey... .how you are learning to cope, heal and redefine your life.

((HUGS) to you Abcdefg1.   

Huat

[abcdefg1]

Thank you all. Although I dont know you, your replies to my post brought tears to my eyes. Yes living life means that I direct my love and energies to those who love and appreciate me, not to those who take and take and drain me emotionally. I always have time and emotional energy for the victims, my grandkids, but the limited contact I have means I cant help them with their mom (My BPD daughter). I can only mail them love packages, see them when I can, and pray to God that they will have a good life. I spend lots of time with my loving support system-my hubs, my good friends who all know my situation, and my family (of course) who are aware of my BPD daughters reality distortions, lies, etc. Yees I do have my days where i break down... but then I redirect my focus. Every time I talk to her on the phone, or have ANY contact with her, I tell myself not to react, not to take it to heart, she is a sick person, etc. KEY is to develop a support system, however and whomever, that after the call, visit etc I can rehash and redevelop perspective. I also love what I do and immerse myself in my work (I am a teacher) and give my energy and love to my students and helping them. Most of all, my faith sustains me and I cry out to God and know He is listening. I hope my words can help some of you as your words and support have helped me. Sending all of you hugs and strength to get through your own difficult situations.  

[wendydarling]

Hello abcdefg1  

I hear some relief and acceptance in your post and I so get your subject line 'new attitude'.   While my situation is different to yours at this time, I relate to you and I understand from my learning here my situation with my 29DD may change in the future and yours can too. I don't kid myself, there are many loving parents here like you dealing with situations that change overnight, BPD. And if that happens I'll change my approach again.

Mindfulness? Wise mind is the same idea, by identifying and changing our focus from the future, present to the here and now and integrating our emotional and logical minds together, our focus has shifted to wisemind. You can practice this by challenging your thoughts, am I certain about what the future holds?

Triggering, Mindfulness, and the WiseMind

Radical acceptance was one of the tools I immediately engaged here when my 29DD was suicidal 3 years ago. I learnt when we go against the grain of reality, things out of our control we cause ourselves a lot suffering.

1.06 | Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)]

My DD has learnt these skills, and many more on this site during her DBT skills group and therapy. By us learning here helps us understand their challenges and we are able share, teach, pass on to family, friends, colleagues. A gift. I encourage you to learn the tools skills here, after DBT my DD shared she was truly grateful to feel kindness, I've felt exactly that here too.

I'm glad you are done, accepting her control and you are placing you and your husband first, as leaders of your family, it's healthy for everyone, especially your daughter.

Hugs to you abc   change is tough and takes courage, it also brings better.

I too look forward supporting you forwards and sharing learning here.

Gently does it.

WDx  

[abcdefg1]

Hi Wendy. You are right. we never know only God knows the future. But my DD refuses all treatment and she is the one who refuses t acknowledge that she needs help, as she is a social worker who 'knows it all' and WE are the ones who, in her words, are 'crazy and unstable'. In the words of Dr. Phil "you cannot change what you dont acknowledge' and she refuses to acknowledge that SHE has a real problem and needs help. For that reason and many others, we have chosen to move on and be done with her manipulations. She refuses all therapy and all help and you cannot ehlp a person who is stubborn and blind to the truth. She will have to hit rock bottom and need us enough to do something to help herself, and that hasnt happened yet. Meanwhile, the grandchildren are the losers in this situation, as they are deprived of grandparents who love them more than naything... .