First time introduction, my 18DD was arrested for beating me up, finding my way

[N Drew]

Hello,

My 18 year old daughter was arrested 2 months ago for beating me up. She picked a fight over a minor thing  and punched me in the head/face and tried to strangle me, threatened suicide and left the house. I called the police because I thought she was going to harm herself. When they got to the house, they saw that I had been battered badly and said they had no choice but to arrest her when they found her. They did find her hours later and did arrest her. Her court appearance is in a couple of weeks and then she goes to college. We got her a lawyer and he said she "needs help". We sent her to a psychiatrist who diagnosed BPD and told us she is "suffering." We then got her a therapist who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. She's acting like nothing happened. She hasn't apologized, says she doesn't have BPD but I do. She has never been able to keep friends for more than a couple of years. For years, she has had rages every few months where she throws things at us (books, statues, pots) but never before punched either of us. She hates going to the therapist (she says the therapist is stupid and thinks I'm the one with the problem -- I find it hard to believe the therapist would say that). She won't participate in the group therapy and won't continue therapy once she goes to college. Honestly, I can't wait until she leaves. I feel so victimized by her. She is a very privileged kid, gets everything. We have denied ourselves so many things to try to make her happy, but nothing we do seems to satisfy her. I love her, but don't really think she is a good person and I don't like spending time with her. I am tired of being manipulated and controlled with repeated suicide threats. I am tired of never spending enough money on her. I am so sad to not have a daughter I like and want to spend time with. I am tired of all the arguments she causes between my husband and I because he just placates her and I want to confront the problem. But there's not confronting it -- no recognition at all on her part her behavior is causing such sadness. And when she does -- because I cry constantly when I think of the beating -- she has no empathy at all. She seems to delight in my distress.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi N Drew

Welcome to the bpdfamily 

Thank you for giving us a good snapsot if what youre dealing with. This sounds truly awful for you and i can understand how you feel.

I must say that I have experienced full throttle rage but never been beaten. I really feel for you and hope you are ok.  Im glad you took action as this is unnacceptable and you need to protect yourself.

Your story sounds very familiar to mine, rages, not taking any responsibility, zero empathy and telling me I am the one with the problem.

Im glad that you are exploring therapy. It is a long journey so my best advice today is to look after yourself and step back. Learning and talking to other parents will be very valuable in being able to reset so you can best help your daughter. There is much information on the board to the right

A good starting book is " Walking on Egg shells" by Randi Kreger.

Please stay with us. We are here to talk to you anytime.

Merlot

[wendydarling]

Hi N Drew

I join Merlot welcoming you here and look forward to supporting you along with parents here. I can't imagine the unbearable pain you feel being beaten by your daughter, as Merlot says violence, abuse is unacceptable and taking steps to protect yourself is the right thing to do, before it comes a pattern, normalised. From what you write, it's come to a head these last 2 months with diagnosis and refusing treatment. Your daughter appears to be in denial, reacting in fear and avoidance behaviours of facing her disorder, one which is very scary for her and takes much courage to face, accept, hidden shame. It's complex.

That said change comes with us first as we learn from pinned at the top of the board What can a parent do I remember reading this years ago understanding how the small and gradual changes I make at my own speed can help me reduce my suffering and help my DD who at the time was in crisis, hospitalisations ….  diagnosed at 26. Along with other parents her I've learnt I can not fix my DD, I can make personal changes to gently help her take on her responsibility, on her way.

Drew have you considered therapy with someone who understands BPD, for you and your husband to gain a joint understanding what's happening with your daughter?

Welcome Drew, hang in here with us, there is much wisdom and experience we learn  

WDx

[ParentBPDgirl]

Hi N Drew.

My dd wasn’t ever physical but did rage.

Violence and abuse is never acceptable. My daughters therapist had worked up a contract where she understood if she became abusive she’d have to leave. With her it was verbal and emotional. The first time I did it she was in shock. She’s been out of the house for a year and I’ve been watching her fall and spiral out of control but looking back I see she was doing that living at home - there were just no real consequences - my only hope is she sees she needs to work at getting healthier.

Good luck.

You can do this - it’s just really hard. I have guilt about living in a house that’s safer and healthier without my dd who I know is suffering. But if she’s here? She isn’t kind or nice or loving like she once was. A day at a time is best.